Relationships, all relationships, are about rupture and repair. We all have issues that come up that cause pain, anger, insecurity and hurt. Couples that can do better at repairing the ruptures, can feel more connected, closer and recover from a painful relationship event. Others that struggle with knowing how to resolve things are going to end of fighting or distancing more – and the longer it takes to resolve (which may be very difficult on your own) the more walls go up and the relationship really suffers. Unhappiness all the way around.
There are many things that can cause ruptures – it might seem like it’s about lack of intimacy, not feeling like a priority or fights about money and finances, but the feelings under many of these fights are really about:
- feeling like you don’t matter
- feeling like you’re not important
- feeling like your spouse or partner is not there for you
- feeling like you can’t count on him or her in small and big ways
The hardest things to get over…
One of the most difficult ruptures for couples to get over is by far infidelity and affairs. Healing after an affair or another serious betrayal takes much more work. Developing patience and really understanding the hurt caused and validating the emotions felt (every single time they come up) is key. A deeper level of betrayal causes a deep level of grief and lack of trust. There are for most people waves of grief, insecurity, sadness and anger that come up when the waves hit you. Understanding and allowing your partner or spouse to feel what they feel, learning to make it safe and learning how to really be there is a big step in the healing process.
You were not there for me when I needed you most…
Couples also have big issues when one is not there for the other emotionally around serious health issues, a miscarriage, the death of a loved one, bouts with depression or other mental health issues, career or financial hardship, struggles with your children and more.
So when it feels like you or your spouse or partner can’t seem to get over a past hurt – from and painful event like an affair or infidelity, to repeated events where you are feeling like you don’t matter, understanding each other, really understanding each other, is the key to reconnecting.
Are You Having Trouble Getting Over the Past?
If you are having trouble getting over the past you will need your partner to really listen, take in and care about what you are feeling – to really be there and help you feel like you do matter, that you are not alone. You may need help feeling safe enough to turn to your partner with your pain and also help saying it in a way he or she will take it and most importantly, emotionally respond to you in ways that can heal the relationship on a deeper level. That’s what will help getting over the past.
If you need help getting over the past, couples or marriage therapy may help. If you’re looking for a therapist in Essex County, NJ, please contact us at 973-902-8700 or email now.