INFIDELITY COUNSELING NJ MAPLEWOOD
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Maplewood Infidelity Counseling Therapists
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NJ In-Person & Online Infidelity Therapists
Couples Therapy After Infidelity
Are you a couple or individual in need of help with infidelity? Are you feeling depressed, shocked, sad, or angry and need some help processing difficuly emotions? Need a safe place to discuss what is happening and what you’re going through? We can help
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DEVASTED? SHOCKED? ANGRY? We understand…
Are you feeling completely devastated finding out about an affair and not sure what to do? Anger, confusion, and shock are completely understandable. Most couples need professional help from deal with the fallout. Coping with the betrayal and resulting intense emotions is very, very hard. It’s traumatic and sometimes the most painful event of your life – your relationship is in crisis. Infidelity counseling with a trained and experienced infidelity does make a difference.
How Could This Happen?
Infidelity is one of the most common issues we see with couples. It happens to good people and couples. People that never would have thought they would betray their spouse or partner can find themselves in this place. The reasons can be complicated. Most of the time infidelity happens because of a disconnect and general dissatisfaction in the relationship. However, infidelity can happen to couples that feel happy and connected as well. Whatever the reason, we can provide the infidelity counseling you need to start working on repairing and healing the relationship.
Finding Out – A Profound Sense of Loss
When the affair is disclosed (either by finding out or being told), it is not uncommon for both partners to feel depressed (sometimes suicidal thoughts) as well as intense anxiety and a deep sense of loss. The partner who was betrayed can have intense reactions causing acute stress that can quickly feel similar to the symptoms of PTSD post-traumatic stress disorder.
Common reactions to broken trust can make the betrayed partner obsess about the affair and wonder about details and a heightened sense (hypervigilance) to more signs of betrayal ( intense insecure feelings). You can get constantly triggered and have intrusive thoughts and images as well as flashbacks similar to someone who experiences PTSD.. Partners who had the most trust in the relationship ( “this would never happen to us”) and suspected nothing are the ones that can feel the most traumatized by finding out. One the other side, the partner who had the affair may fear that they will never be forgiven and be punishment will last forever. They also might feel grief for fantasies and losses associated with the affair and how it made him or her feel.
Infidelity Counseling – Giving Couples Hope
Many couples can survive infidelity – and it might be too soon to hear this – but many marriages and relationships can become stronger and feel more connected with effective marital and couples therapy. However, the healing process and building trust back takes time. As infidelity therapists, we understand and do not push the process. It is a matter of helping a couple have important conversations about what happened in a safe place. Recurring trauma and painful emotions of sadness, shock, confusion, anger and other “ how could you do this?” painful feelings keep coming up. Understandably. The idea is to guide the person who had the affair to know how to help the betrayed partner. Knowing what to do and say and what will make things worse.
Emphasis of therapy will be safe place to explore healing, forgiveness, and the direction of the marriage or relationship.
The Focus of Initial Sessions
Purpose: We will assess if both partners want to work on repairing the relationship, but that means they will need to work on resolving any ambivalence about staying in the relationship. If couples are not able to work things out helping them work toward separating in a productive and useful way. Also, one partner may want to work on things and the other may not be sure or may want to end the relationship. We understand this is emotionally painful for both people. One can understand feel angry, sad, shocked and many other difficult emotions, while the other may feel guilt and shame.
The therapist will assess each couple’s situation, commitment to treatment and healing, ability to forgive, and important discussions about the impact on children. Infidelity counseling will make sure establishing safety and reducing intense emotions happens before exploring what made the relationship vulnerable to infidelity. The couples will discuss the affair and the therapist will help them move toward the last stage – forgiveness.
Initial sessions will focus on creating a safety for the couple. However, successful infidelity counseling also means maintaining safety. It is important for recovery from an affair that there must be no contact – not just agreeing to not having sex – with the affair partner. This means all contact including texting, phone calls or any other contact for a couple to be able to start building back trust. In situations where the affair partner is someone at work, there must be full transparency with about the co-worker with your partner or spouse and contact must be only business related with strict boundaries. This will help the recovery process and allow the healing to continue.
Infidelity counseling is not an easy process. What happens in many situations is the betrayed partner will want details, ask and interrogate their spouse and this process is challenging. Talking about the affair is hard for both partners. There is certain information that will help in the healing process and other information that will not. It is understandable for the betrayed partner to want to make sense of things, to question and want details, but questions such as “when did you”, “what did you”, “where did you” are not going to help the healing process even when the partner shares truthful information. It will be hard to believe anything since there was lying and deception. Questions such as “how do I know you are telling the truth now” are understandable but will not promote healing. Complicated reasons for the affair are better to discuss when emotions are not as intense. . Successful infidelity counseling will safely allow telling the story of the affair in a way that will help couples to move toward the final stage of therapy— forgiveness. Successful infidelity counseling is closely tied to the a compassionate process for both partners that allow for the cultivating empathy and hope in each partner.
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Recovery from Infidelity
Effective infidelity counseling will make sure the recovery process will include a safe place to discuss and process intense emotions, work through ambivalence about staying togehter or explore other options. It takes time to really understand the vulerabilites in the relaitonship that may have led to infdileity or other causes for the betrayal.
Maplewood Infidelity Counseling
All of our infidelity counseling therapists are trained to help couples who need help recovering from an affair. We also help others trying to figure things out in their marriage of relaitonship. We provide a safe place to help you with intense emotions and know what will help. Feeling shocked, depressed, angry and don’t know what to do? We can help.
Understanding the Causes of Infidelity
Some of the main reasons for infidelity:
- Low Self Esteem
- Lack of Love & Attention
- Situational or Circumstance (Accidental)
- Sexual Desire
- Need for Variety
- Low Commitment
Most affairs happen due to feeling dissatisfied in the relationship. In addition, affairs can be the result of personal dissatisfaction, low self-esteem or other personal challenges. In such situations, the partner involved in the affair may be unaware of their part in what might be lacking or missing in the relationship. involved partner may be unaware of his or her contribution to what is lacking in the relationship. For a couple to feel satisfied and connected, it takes both people focused and aware of the give and take needed. When this does not happen, it can cause unhappiness and leave the relationship vulnerable to infidelity. Also, if there is not enough attention, affection, or intimacy, one person to the other can feel unhappy, neglected and seek some type of connection outside or the marriage or relationship.
In some cases, infidelity happens due to the acceptance of having sex with people outside of the relationship as part of someone’s culture or conditioning – maybe someone experienced a parent having an affair or multiple affairs and feel it is acceptable and feel they have done nothing wrong.
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Helping Couples Recover & Discuss
- Emotional Affairs
- Cyber Cheating & Internet Affairs
- Physical Affairs
- Sex Addiction Affairs
- Romantic Affairs
- Exit Affairs ( The Last Straw)
- Casual Affairs, One-Night Stand, Accidental Affairs & Flings
Effective infidelity therapists can help create safety for a couple as they work through intense emotions to evetually work on forgiveness and healing – or explore other options.
We are here to help when you’re ready.
Understanding the Types of Affairs:
There are many things that can make a couple vulnerable to infidelity. It takes time to explore the motivations and causes of infidelity, but this is an important part of the therapeutic and healing process. Assessing the couples and various issues is importna to understanding and helping in the recovery process. FOr example, Life transitions such as a new baby, dealing with parenting, family, work and relationship demands, empty nester challenges can cause a lot of relationship problems and cause a vulnerability that can lead to an affair as well. Others may try to justify an affair by idealizing and comparing their relationship to what they can get from a love affair free of the day to day of their existing long-term relationship and family.
This is the most common form of cheating in a relationship or marriage. The cheating partner may have an emotional connection with the affair partner or not. In some cases, physical affairs include sexual intercourse, but in other situations just something like kissing. It is still betrayal and considered an affair regardless since it involves someone outside of the relationship.
Emotional Affairs and Internet Affairs
Emotional affairs can happen when people who never meant to cheat on their partners cross lines and find themselves in this situation. Unfortunately, social media as well as mobile phones and other technology have caused an explosion of cyber affairs, which might turn into emotional affairs. This has led to a crisis in online cheating and emotional affairs. Connecting with others can start out innocently, then develop into full blown affair inadvertently. You didn’t mean to betray your spouse or partner, but it happened. You start to deceive your partner and end up hiding, lying and secretly communicating in appropriately. What might start out “we are just friends” turns into emotional intimacy and although there is no physical contact, there is often some type of sexual chemistry. These types of affairs can cause a lot of pain and damage trust in relationships.
Romantic affairs are common and are a combination of physical and emotional affairs. Intense emotions might be confused with love and over time when those feeling fade, the cheating partner might want out, but the damage to the relationship has been done. Some couples can recover from this and other cannot. Also, at times, the partner who is having the affair may feel trapped in the affair by the affair partner who does not want the same. He or she might be threatened with “I will tell you wife “ (or husband ) and they stay longer due to this threat. We have seen many couples after the affair partner reached out and told them about the affair, which is intended to hurt and cause as much damage as possible.
Some couples are avoidant with important aspects of the relaitonship and this causes many problems and disconnect in the relationship. For example, not knowing how to resolve conflict ( being conflict avoidant) can cause huge dissatisfaction over time. Instead of talking about and resolving issues effectively, one or both partners might be internalizing anger, resentment, hurt and many other emotions. Some people don’t say how they really feel and over time, this can leave or partner or the other vulnerable to an affair. Also, some couples end up agruing a lot about other things due to a (unconscious or conscious) fear of sex/intimacy. The end result can cause some couples to never or rarely have sex or any other type of intimacy. The lack of intimacy and closeness can lead some perople to step out on their partner.
Multiple Affairs – Sexual Addiction Affairs
When a person has multiple affairs it can be a symptom of an addiction to sex, love or romance and or a person can be driven by getting into a new relationship (sometimes referred to as NRE …new relationship energy). If you are a sex addict, you may be compulsively drawn to the high (as well as release of anxiety) of sexual orgasm. Unfortunately, this will most likely increase shame and feelings of worthlessness as well as cause a hit to self-esteem.
Some people feel gender or status entitlement to have sex outside of their long-term marriage or relationship and can seek sex without impact to self-esteem and do not feel guilt or shame about betraying their partner.
Some couples are at a point where the infidelity is a way of ending the relationship that is already dying. Maybe they have been so unhappy and connected for a long time and on person might seek out another relationship as a way of (sometimes not consciously) of ending the marriage or relationship.
Other Types of Affairs might involve a one-night stand, casual affairs (no emotional connection) also considered a fling. We hear from couples when maybe on partner had too much to drink and ended up making a big mistake.
infidelity counseling is not an easy process, but can sometimes help a couple not only recover and heal from infidelity, but gives them an opportunity to make the relationship stronger and more connected over time.
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