Signs Contempt is Poisoning Your Relationship
How to Reduce and Stop Contempt
6 Signs Contempt is Poisoning Your Relationship
Contempt is a silent killer of relationships. It often creeps in unnoticed, subtly eroding the trust, affection, and respect that once held two people together. Over time, contempt can poison not just your marriage or partnership but other relationships in your life as well. The word itself carries weight for good reason—contempt is more than simple frustration or anger. It’s an underlying feeling of disrespect, disdain, and superiority toward another person.
How Contempt Poisons Relationships
Dr. John Gottman, a renowned marriage counselor, has identified contempt as one of the most telling predictors of divorce. But contempt doesn’t just apply to marriages—it seeps into friendships, family relations, and even workplace dynamics, leaving a trail of broken connections in its wake.
Understanding the signs of contempt in relationships is the first step to addressing and healing the rift it can create. Below, we’ll explore six key signs that contempt might be infecting your relationship, real-life examples of how it manifests, and actionable steps to overcome it.
Signs Contempt is Poisoning Your Relationship
1. Frequent Eye-Rolling and Sneering
Eye-rolling isn’t just a harmless gesture—it’s often a physical manifestation of contempt. Sneering or looking down at someone while they speak sends an unspoken but loud message that their words or feelings are not worth taking seriously.
Case Study
The Dismissive Partner
Sarah would frequently roll her eyes during dinner while John talked about his day at work. When John discussed a new project he was excited about, Sarah would sneer and mutter, “That’s so trivial.” Over time, John stopped sharing his thoughts, feeling repeatedly invalidated and dismissed.
What to do: Be mindful of your non-verbal communication. Show interest, even when you disagree or find the topic mundane, by maintaining eye contact and offering supportive body language.
2. Sarcasm and Mocking Tone
Sarcasm may seem like harmless humor, but when it’s used consistently to ridicule or insult another person, it becomes a weapon of contempt. A mocking tone conveys negativity and can make the recipient feel small and foolish.
Case Study
The Sarcastic Spouse
Mark constantly used sarcasm when he was upset with Emily. Instead of expressing his concerns directly, he would say things like, “Oh sure, you’re the queen of multitasking,” whenever Emily accidentally forgot errands. While he laughed afterward, Emily felt belittled and hurt.
What to do: Replace sarcasm with clear and constructive communication. Instead of making cutting remarks, focus on addressing the issue openly and respectfully.
3. Name-Calling and Belittling
When disagreements escalate into name-calling, the underlying message shifts from “I’m upset with your behavior” to “I think you’re a problem.” Belittling someone—whether in private or public—chips away at their self-esteem and fundamentally damages the foundation of mutual respect.
Case Study
The Critical Parent
Lisa frequently belittled her husband, Tom, in front of their children. When Tom misplaced his keys, she sighed dramatically and said, “How can someone so clueless even function?” Over time, Tom felt humiliated, and the kids began to distance themselves from family conversations.
What to do: Commit to fighting fair. Eliminate name-calling and degrading language from your disagreements. Focus on addressing the issue at hand rather than attacking your partner’s character.
4. Dismissing Opinions and Feelings
Contempt often looks like dismissiveness—when one partner chronically brushes off the other’s feelings, ideas, or experiences. Phrases like “You’re overreacting” or “This isn’t important” send the message that one person’s view is invalid or inferior.
Case Study
The Emotionally Unavailable Friend
David’s friend reached out to share his struggles, but David always dismissed them with comments like, “It’s not a big deal” or “You’ll get over it.” Feeling unheard, his friend stopped opening up as the emotional gap between them widened.
What to do: Practice empathy. Instead of dismissing someone’s perspective, take the time to listen and validate their feelings, even if you can’t fully relate.
5. Superiority Complex and Lecturing
When one partner feels morally, intellectually, or emotionally superior, it creates an imbalance of power in the relationship. Lecturing or “talking down” to someone because you believe you know better fosters resentment and lack of intimacy.
Real-World Example
Imagine a scenario where one partner insists they’re always “right” in decision-making—whether it’s about finances or parenting. Over time, the other partner feels undervalued and excluded from important discussions.
What to do: Foster collaboration. Approach decisions as partners rather than competitors, working together to find solutions that benefit your relationship as a whole.
6. Constant Criticism and Fault-Finding
Criticism, especially when chronic and unconstructive, is one of the most toxic forms of contempt. Instead of focusing on specific behaviors, blanket criticisms target a person’s character, making reconciliation harder.
Case Study
Lisa’s husband, Tom, often criticized her cooking with phrases like, “You never get this right” or “How hard is it to follow a recipe?” These repeated critiques left Lisa feeling inadequate and unwilling to try cooking for him anymore.
What to do: Shift the focus from blame to collaboration. Instead of pointing out flaws, offer constructive feedback or ask how you can help.
6 Signs Contempt is Poisoning Your Relationship (And How to Stop It)
If you recognize one (or more) of these signs in your relationship, take heart—it’s not too late to turn things around. Here’s how you can begin rebuilding respect and trust together.
1. Practice Active Listening
Commit to truly listening when your partner speaks. Acknowledge their points without interrupting or dismissing them. Active listening fosters empathy and shows that you value their feelings.
2. Take Accountability
Reflect on your actions and admit when you’ve displayed behaviors rooted in contempt. Apologize sincerely and discuss how to make meaningful changes moving forward.
3. Focus on Appreciation
Counteract contempt with gratitude. Make an intentional effort to recognize and celebrate your partner’s positive qualities and contributions.
4. Seek Professional Guidance
Couples therapy or marriage counseling can provide a safe space to address underlying issues of contempt. A trained therapist can help both partners develop healthier communication strategies moving forward.
Respect as the Foundation of Every Relationship
Contempt is powerful, but so is love, respect, and intentional effort. Recognizing the signs of contempt in relationships is the first step toward creating a happier, healthier dynamic with your loved ones. By addressing contempt head-on and working as a team, you can foster a relationship based on mutual respect, understanding, and shared growth.
If contempt is poinsoning your relationship and is a growing issue in your partnership, don’t wait—start taking steps toward change today. Respect is more than a feeling; it’s an active choice, every single day.