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Struggling to Stay in Your Marriage? Decide Your Next Steps in NJ

Struggling to Stay in Your Marriage? Decide Your Next Steps in NJ

Anxiety, Depression, Grief, Relationships

Struggling to Stay in Your Marriage? A Guide to Clarity

Struggling to Stay in Your Marriage? Decide Your Next Steps in NJ

By Debra Feinberg, LCSW, Robert Jenkins, LCSW (Reviewed by Senior Level Therapists)

Are you feeling deeply unhappy in your relationship, unsure if you can turn things around? Have you found yourself quietly agonizing over the future of your partnership, wondering if staying is the right choice?

When the connection fades, it is entirely normal to feel lost, overwhelmed, and alone. You might have tried for years to manage negative feelings, hoping things would naturally improve. Perhaps there has been such a profound disconnect over time that finding your way back to each other feels impossible. Whether you have shared your thoughts about separation with your partner or kept them entirely to yourself, navigating these emotions is incredibly painful.

This guide is designed to help you explore the complexities of an unhappy relationship. We will look at the common reasons people stay, the vital factors to consider when deciding your next steps, and how professional support can provide the clarity you deserve.

The Heavy Weight of an Unhappy Relationship

Over time, some couples grow so disconnected that one or both partners feel ready for a split. You might be grieving the relationship quietly, feeling isolated even when sitting in the same room as your spouse. Have you been working exhausting hours trying to make things better, only to feel like nothing changes?

It is actually quite rare for both people to be on the exact same page when it comes to ending a marriage. Usually, one person has been carrying the weight of the decision for a long time.

Does this sound familiar?

  • You have tried endlessly to process negative feelings about your spouse or partner.
  • The emotional distance has grown so vast that reconnecting feels unnatural or forced.
  • You feel immense guilt about potentially hurting your partner by bringing up separation.
  • You have experienced emotional neglect or deep misunderstandings, leaving you feeling entirely drained.

You do not have to carry this burden alone. Acknowledging that your relationship is in a bad place is the very first step toward finding a resolution, whatever that may look like for you.

Why Do We Stay in Unhappy Marriages?

When you feel miserable, outsiders might wonder why you do not just leave. But relationships are complex, deeply intertwined, and rarely simple to untangle. Understanding why you are choosing to stay can help you make more conscious decisions about your future.

The Fear of the Unknown

Starting over is terrifying. When you have spent years or decades building a life with someone, the prospect of navigating the world alone can feel paralyzing. Will you be okay on your own? Will you find love again? This fear often keeps people anchored in familiar pain rather than risking the unknown.

Deeply Intertwined Lives and Finances

Marriages are not just emotional bonds; they are practical partnerships. You likely share a home, bank accounts, investments, and social circles. The logistical nightmare of separating these deeply intertwined assets can make staying feel like the only realistic survival option.

The Impact on Children

If you share children, the stakes feel infinitely higher. Many parents sacrifice their own happiness to maintain a stable household for their kids. You might worry about how a split will impact their emotional well-being, daily routines, and future outlook on love.

Holding Onto Hope and the Past

Do you catch yourself remembering how beautiful things used to be? It is common to stay because you remember the person you fell in love with. You hold out hope that if you just try a little harder, or communicate a little better, that original spark will miraculously return.

Feelings of Guilt and Obligation

Marriage often comes with a strong sense of duty. You made a commitment, and walking away can feel like a personal failure. You might also worry about how your partner will cope without you, keeping you tied to the relationship out of a sense of protective obligation.

Important Things to Consider About Your Future

If you are standing at the crossroads of staying or leaving, it is essential to evaluate your situation with honesty and self-compassion. Here are a few vital things to consider as you navigate this transition.

Evaluate Emotional and Physical Safety

Your safety and well-being must always come first. If you are on the receiving end of verbal, emotional, mental, or physical abuse, staying is actively harming you. A relationship should be a safe harbor, not a source of fear or constant distress.

Is the Effort Mutual?

A partnership requires two people willing to do the work. Are you the only one trying to improve communication and resolve conflicts? If your partner refuses to acknowledge the issues or participate in finding solutions, repairing the relationship will be incredibly difficult.

Can Trust and Respect Be Rebuilt?

Trust and respect are the absolute foundation of any healthy partnership. If there has been infidelity, deep betrayal, or a complete breakdown of respect, ask yourself if you genuinely believe those elements can be restored. Rebuilding trust takes immense time, transparency, and mutual dedication.

What is the Cost of Staying?

Consider the toll this unhappy marriage is taking on your physical and mental health. Are you constantly exhausted? Have you lost your sense of self? Sometimes, the long-term cost of staying in a toxic or deeply unfulfilling environment outweighs the temporary pain of a breakup.

How Professional Counseling Can Empower You

Divorce and breaking up are profoundly painful, even if you are the one initiating the separation. You need a safe, non-judgmental space to discuss your feelings, fears, and hopes.

Relationship and marriage counseling provides expert guidance tailored to your unique needs. A therapist can help you:

  • Learn effective strategies to communicate your needs clearly.
  • Acquire tools to resolve conflicts constructively.
  • Reignite emotional bonds and empathy, if both partners choose to work on the relationship.
  • Navigate the transition of separation with dignity and mutual respect, should you choose to part ways.

Whether you need support to repair your marriage or the courage to step away, therapy offers a compassionate environment to explore your options. With virtual and in-person sessions available, you can find support in whatever format feels most comfortable for you.

Book Your Session

Frequently Asked Questions

Is it normal to feel this disconnected from my partner?
Yes, it is entirely normal. Many couples go through phases of disconnect. Life transitions, stress, and unresolved conflicts can build walls between partners. Acknowledging the distance is the first step toward addressing it.

How do we know if it is time to separate or if we should keep trying?
There is no single answer to this question. It often comes down to whether both partners are willing to actively work on the relationship. If mutual respect is gone, or if the environment is toxic, it may be time to consider separation. Therapy can help you find the clarity needed to make this decision.

Can therapy help if only one person wants to go?
Absolutely. While couples counseling involves both partners, individual therapy is incredibly beneficial when you are struggling with relationship decisions. It provides a safe space for you to process your emotions, set healthy boundaries, and decide what you truly want.

What if we have children to consider?
Children thrive in environments where their parents are emotionally healthy and stable. Sometimes, two happy households are better than one high-conflict home. A counselor can help you navigate this specific challenge and develop a plan that prioritizes the well-being of your entire family.

Take the Next Step Toward Healing

You deserve to feel secure, understood, and fulfilled in your life and relationships. If you are struggling to navigate these difficult decisions, you do not have to do it in isolation.

Transform your challenges into an opportunity for growth and clarity. Reach out today to schedule a session. Let us provide the supportive, empathetic guidance you need to figure out your next steps and reclaim your peace of mind.

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Helpful Resources

 

Discernment Counseling in NJ | Should We Stay or Split Up?

Discernment Counseling in NJ | Should We Stay or Split Up?

Anxiety, Depression, Relationships

Discernment Counseling: Finding Clarity at the Crossroads

 

Discernment Counseling: Finding Clarity at the Crossroads

Are you feeling stuck in a state of relationship limbo? Perhaps you aren’t sure if you should keep trying to work on your marriage or if it’s time to separate. It is an incredibly painful and confusing place to be. One of you might be leaning out of the relationship, feeling “done,” while the other is desperate to save it. Or maybe you both feel exhausted, unsure if there is enough left to salvage.

If you are asking yourself, “Should we stay together or split up?”, you are not alone, and you don’t have to make this decision in isolation. Discernment Counseling offers a safe, specialized space to pause, reflect, and find the confidence to choose your next step.

Navigating the “Stay or Go” Dilemma

Traditional couples therapy assumes both partners are ready to work on the relationship. But what happens when you aren’t on the same page? What if one partner is ambivalent or has lost hope?

Entering marriage counseling when one person has one foot out the door can often lead to frustration. The partner who wants to save the marriage may push too hard, while the hesitant partner may feel pressured, leading to a standstill.

This is where Discernment Counseling is different. It is not about fixing the relationship immediately; it is about figuring out if the relationship can—or should—be fixed. It provides a structured process to help you gain clarity and confidence about the future of your partnership, honoring the feelings of both the “leaning out” and “leaning in” partners.

What Is Discernment Counseling?

Discernment Counseling is a short-term therapeutic approach designed specifically for couples on the brink. It typically consists of 1 to 5 sessions, focused purely on decision-making.

The goal isn’t to solve your marital problems right now. Instead, the goal is to see if those problems are solvable.

In these sessions, your therapist will help you:

  • Create a Safe Space: We provide a non-judgmental environment where both partners can speak openly without the pressure to commit to a specific outcome immediately.
  • Understand Your Dynamics: We help you look at the relationship objectively to understand what happened to get you to this point and what each partner has contributed to the current dynamic.
  • Explore All Options: We guide you through looking at three specific paths: staying as you are, moving toward separation/divorce, or committing to an all-out effort in couples therapy.

The Three Paths of Discernment Therapy

During the process, you will explore three potential outcomes for your relationship:

  1. Path One: Status Quo. You decide to keep the relationship exactly as it is for now. This is rarely chosen, but it is an option if you aren’t ready to make a change.
  2. Path Two: Separation or Divorce. You decide that the healthiest path forward is to end the relationship. If this is your choice, the counseling can help you move toward that transition with greater understanding and less animosity.
  3. Path Three: A Six-Month Commitment. You agree to take divorce off the table for six months and commit fully to couples therapy. This is an “all-in” effort to see if the relationship can be revitalized, with a clear understanding of what needs to change.

Is Discernment Counseling Right for Us?

This approach is specifically helpful for “mixed-agenda” couples—where one person wants to preserve the relationship and the other is considering ending it.

It might be the right fit if:

  • You have experienced a major breach of trust, such as infidelity, and aren’t sure if you can recover.
  • You have grown apart over the years and feel more like roommates than partners.
  • One partner has threatened divorce, but you aren’t sure if it’s truly what you want.
  • You have tried traditional couples counseling before, and it didn’t work because your goals weren’t aligned.
  • You want to be able to look back and say you did everything possible to understand your options before making a life-altering decision.

It is important to note that Discernment Counseling is inclusive. Regardless of your background, orientation, or family structure, we honor your unique relationship dynamics. Our role is not to judge or steer you toward a specific outcome, but to empower you with the insight you need.

The Process: What to Expect

Because the goals are different from traditional therapy, the format is also unique. A significant portion of the session time is spent one-on-one with the therapist.

Why separate time? Because when tensions are high, it’s often difficult to be honest in front of your partner without triggering an argument. Individual time allows each of you to explore your own feelings, fears, and contributions to the relationship problems safely. The therapist then helps you bring key insights back to the joint conversation.

This structure respects both partners. The “leaning out” partner gets space to express their doubts without being pressured to “try harder.” The “leaning in” partner gets support in managing their anxiety and learning how to bring their best self to the crisis, rather than acting out of panic.

Moving Forward with Confidence

Living in uncertainty is exhausting. It drains your energy and affects every other area of your life, from your parenting to your career. You deserve clarity.

Whether you decide to reignite your bond and work through the hard stuff, or you decide to part ways with mutual respect, Discernment Counseling gives you the tools to make that choice with your eyes wide open.

If you are ready to find a way out of the limbo and determine the best path for your future, we are here to help.

Book Your Session

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

Q: Is Discernment Counseling just a way to delay a breakup?
A: Not at all. It is an active process of evaluation. While some couples do decide to separate, they often do so with less anger and more clarity, which is crucial—especially if you are co-parenting. Others find that once the pressure to “fix it” is removed, they can actually see a path to reconciliation they hadn’t seen before.

Q: How long does this process take?
A: It is brief by design. Most couples come for one to five sessions. At the end of each session, you decide if you want to come back for another. There is no long-term commitment required up front.

Q: What if my partner refuses to come?
A: Discernment Counseling requires both partners to be willing to show up, even if one is very skeptical. If your partner is completely unwilling to attend, you may benefit from individual therapy to help you clarify your own feelings and decisions regarding the relationship.

Q: Can we do this if we are already separated?
A: Yes. If you are currently separated but haven’t made a final decision to divorce, Discernment Counseling can be very effective in helping you decide whether to attempt reconciliation or make the separation permanent.

Q: Do we try to solve our problems in these sessions?
A: Generally, no. We don’t focus on teaching communication skills or resolving conflict in these sessions. We focus on understanding the problems to see if they are solvable. If you choose “Path Three” (reconciliation), the hard work of solving problems begins in subsequent couples therapy.

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Helpful Resources for Couples Seeking Counseling

Is Your Marriage in Trouble?

Anxiety, Depression, Grief, Relationships

Is Your Marriage in Trouble?

Time to Get help?

Contact Maplewoood Counseling

Is Your Marriage in Trouble?

Are you really scared about the status of your relationship? Are you feeling like your wife or husband has completely shut down? Are they now discussing wanting a divorce or breaking up? Are you feeling terrified and not sure what to do?

I hear from many men and women who are really scared of losing their marriage or relationship. They are feeling abandoned emotionally by their spouse. There has probably has been ongoing problems in the relationship that have never been dealt with properly and it has caused a great amount of distance and disconnect in the relationship. Often times one person has been asking (or begging ) to go to a couples or marriage counselor and those requests were ignored. Unfortunately, ignoring someone’s pleas to get help can cause great damage to the relationship. Sometimes that damage can be repaired and sometimes not.

So what should you do? Certainly, discussing what you are going through with a trained and experience therapist can help you figure out your next step. Fear or feelings of abandonment can cause people to struggle with sleep and lose their appetite and be unable to eat.

When Your Relationship or Marriage is in Trouble

The worse things are in the marriage, the more help you will need (if both people are willing) to turn things around. Each situation is different.

If you want to know what to do with your intense emotions and struggle, feel free to get in touch.

Contact Maplewoood Counseling

Marriage Therapist | Are You in Crisis?

Anxiety, Depression, Grief, Relationships

Find a Marriage Therapist

Help Improving Your Relationship

Contact Maplewoood Counseling

Searching for a Marriage Therapist in NJ?

Has your spouse or partner been asking to go to therapy? Did you feel like you could handle things on your own? Did you not realize how much pain and disappointment your partner has been feeling sometimes for years? Are you feeling pain now and decided it’s time to go to therapy? Are you the one who’s been feeling pain for a long time – show this to your spouse or partner so they don’t wait until it’s too late. It’s important to try and get into therapy sooner and not wait until things are in crisis and it’s hard to come back from feeling so sad, alone, angry and disappointed for so long.

This happens all too often when I hear from someone looking for marriage or couples therapy. They are no the one feeling tremendous pain and, as a result, very motivated to go to counseling – finally. What they are feeling most likely is what their spouse or partner has been feeling for sometimes a very long time. That’s where it gets difficult.

In a way – in a big way,  you can sense how distant and checked out your partner is. Maybe they’re even saying they want a divorce and that they’re done. You can somehow sense how much you don’t matter anymore. So at this point, the wall is up very high. I do see a lot of couples that are in this place – some can come back and some cannot. It’s hard for me to know unless I meet with each person and the couple to assess what has been going on in the relationship and how both people are feeling at this point. I carefully assess the person that has had to build up a wall to protect themselves from ongoing pain in a relationship. Feeling like he or she doesn’t matter, they i’ve been feeling very alone in the  relationship. And feeling like they have not been able to count on their spouse or partner to be there emotionally for a very long time.

So if this is where you’re at right now in your relationship – not sure how this is going to end up, but desperately trying to save your relationship, counseling can help you figure out what the next step is in a safe place. Safe for both people.

If you are looking for marriage therapist in NJ or couples counseling to help you figure this out, feel free to reach out to me to see how therapy can help.

Contact Maplewoood Counseling

Letting Go of Anger and Resentment?

Relationships

Help with Anger and Resentment

NJ Family and Couples Therapy

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Need help with Anger and Resentment?

Aer you struggling with intense anger and resentment? Is this you?

  • You’re angry at your spouse for hurting you and you just don’t know how to let it go
  • You resent a family member because they’ve done or do things that really upset you
  • You have so many angry feelings, you can feel how it negatively affects your health
  • You can tell how bad hanging on to these emotions hurts you, but you don’t know what to do

We all experience difficult times in our lives that can bring up very harmful and negative emotions.  Sometimes there are so many triggers that cause certain reactions and it is very difficult to control your response. Someone it feels like focusing your anger and resentment is helping you – like some kind of outlet or release. You think the anger is warranted because the other person has done something “wrong” or to annoy or bother you. And in some cases, the other person should know they are hurting you or know what they are doing is causing you pain, but they actually may not.

Where we all see it most often is with a break up or divorce.  The intensity of angry, bitter and hostile emotions causes people to do a great deal of harm to others and themselves. Hanging on to the anger and resentment is hurting everyone. Most people want to hurt their exes because they feel betrayed, abandoned, sad, disappointed and/or shocked. But what most people don’t realize is how that negativity really hurts their own physical and mental well-being.

I’ve seen (and maybe you have as well) many people who have gone through a painful divorce and have fought bitterly ever step of the way to get back at an ex. Hanging on to the negative feelings for years and years.

I have also seen many of these exes come to peace over the years and let go of the anger and resentment. They have come to an understanding, and their siutations in more accepting ways, leading to more compassion and less anger and resentment.

Do you need help understanding how to let go of your anger and resentment? See how acceptance and forgiveness can really benefit your life and the lives of those around you.

 

Save Marriage | Can We Prevent a Divorce?

Relationships

Saving My Marriage Possible?

Is it too late?

Contact Maplewoood Counseling

Save Marriage | Can Therapy Help Save Our Marriage?

Does this sound familiar?

  • We are not sure things can change to save our marriage
  • I/we cannot go on the way things are going without help
  • I don’t trust my spouse and we fight about it constantly
  • I just found out my spouse cheated on me and I’m devastated
  • We are dealing with an affair that happened awhile ago, but I can’t get over it
  • We’ve tried everything and this is a last resort
  • I feel so incredibly alone and my partner is just not there for me
  • We are so unhappy and have been for a long time
  • I don’t feel like I matter and it is so painful
  • I know or suspect my spouse or partner is having an emotional or sexual affair
  • I feel so angry and disappointed in my spouse most or all the time
  • I love my spouse or partner, but we fight so much and I don’t know why
  • I’m not sure if it’s worth saving our marriage and I feel hopeless
  • My spouse says he or she will change and it never sticks
  • I’m never a priority and it feels awful

I am not in love with my wife or husband anymore and not sure what to do

Can We Turn this Around? Is it possible to save our marriage?

Are you looking for ways to see if you and your partner or spouse can turn things around and save your marriage or relationship? Is this your last attempt before you call it quits?

Some couples have tried marriage counseling in the past and maybe it helped, button enough – or maybe it didn’t help at all. Many wonder if marriage counseling or family therapy is worth it. With some therapists and for some couples, it is worth it if it can hep you reconnect and find ways to improve the way you feel about one another.

If both people are really committed to the process, it may help you turn things around. We’ve seen many couples learn how to (and more importantly want to) improve how they respond emotionally to one another. Emotional responsiveness (according to a leading innovator in the field of couples therapy Dr. Sue Johnson) is one of the most important (if not the most important) aspects of creating meaningful and long lasting connections in a relationship.

If you are looking for a NJ therapist to help you with your marriage or relationship, please contact us and let us know how we can help you or call us if that’s easier for you.