When a husband, wife or partner has an affair, the betrayal can be devatating. Online cheating can also cause a tremendous amount of pain in a relationship. So seductive and easily accessible, the Internet and mobile devices are an opportunity anytime, anywhere to fill a void and get attention you are not getting elsewhere.
Is this you?
you hide your phone because you are sending inappropriate texts at all hours
you suspect your spouse or partner is connecting with other men or women online or on their phone
you feel guilty about cyber cheating and need help ending something that could ruin your relationship
the attention is so seductive, tempting and it’s so easy to start something with a coworker or friend
you want to come clean and admit the cyber affair before it’s too late
it’s hard to stop because it makes you happy and feels very good
your spouse or partner keeps accusing you and feels insecure
you don’t think it’s all that serious and deny anything is going on
you clearly see how it is hurting your relationship and need help
If online cheating is hurting your relationships, get in touch.
Six Spousal Squabbles | Top 6 Topics Married Couples Argue Over
The Six Spousal Squabbles –a list of the top topics about which married couples argue—is based on Dr. John Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. As Gottman explains, “Even in very happy stable marriages, these issues are perennial.” We know that all couples argue, but you need to take what you learn from these arguments and grow with your spouse. This is how you and your loved one will truly get to the best place in your marriage.
Stress in the Workplace
After getting yelled at by your boss, you come home and yell at your husband or wife. Clearly, this is a recipe for disaster. While you or your spouse may suffer at a stressful job, you always want to try to make your marriage a peaceful oasis. After a long difficult day at work, give your spouse some time to collect her thoughts when she gets home, and do the same for yourself. This unwinding time is much needed to avoid bringing that dreaded work stress into your marriage. Make sure that you both schedule some “me” time separately before coming together to discuss your days.
Issues with In-Laws
This actually happened: Kim Smith-Jones was invited to her husband’s family reunion. Her mother-in-law had t-shirts made for the occasion. All of the Joneses were given blue t-shirts; Kim—and the spouses of her husband’s siblings—got yellow. Then, when it came time for the big family photo, Kim and the other spouses-in-law were left out. Not surprisingly, the ride home was not pleasant.
Friction between a spouse and in-laws can beone of the biggest issues in a marriage: If you or your spouse is a “mama’s boy” or “daddy’s girl,” a clear line has to be set and abided by. When you got married, you created a new family with your spouse, and that means that your priorities have to change. You begin your own family traditions. You need to make sure that both the in-laws and your own parents understand that they cannot and will not comebetween you and your partner.
Money Problems
They say that opposites attract, but opposite attitudes towards money can create problems. Finances can certainly be a huge stressor for any couple, but if they do not look at financial issues in the same way—picture a big spender and a die-hard saver—disagreements will follow. I am a big believer of keeping your and your spouse’s money separate, but if you decide that you want or need to pool it together, you have to be ready to work as a team on all financial issues. You need to come up with guidelines regarding what spending, borrowing and investing is acceptable and what is nonnegotiable. If you have issues in this area, look into the possibility of a financial planner.
Physical and Mental Sex
In the movie Annie Hall, the two lead characters, Alvy and Annie, are shown separately talking to their therapists. Both are asked how often they sleep together. Alvy responds, “Hardly ever. Maybe three times a week.” Annie says, “Constantly! I’d say three times a week!”
Sexuality in a marriage is just as much mental as it is physical. You need to be able to open up with your partner so that you both understand what the other is looking for. Sex should bring you closer not only in body, but in mind as well. In a happy sex life, you and your partner should see sex as intimate, but not allow the needs or desires from either side be taken personally. After all, you want to both be happy and satisfied!
Housework Responsibilities
Long gone are the Mad Men days where women stay at home and tackle the housework while the men are at the office. Nevertheless, the stereotypical expectations regarding cooking, cleaning, shopping and laundry can certainly put strain on your marriage. The solution is that you simply need to work as a team and fairly contribute to the chores.
While it would be an overstatement to conclude that men are always at fault regarding these issues, that is often the case; men who grew up with stay-at-home mothers may need to make a more conscious effort to avoid this problem. Maybe this will help:Studies show that “women find a man’s willingness to do housework extremely erotic.” Now, if that doesn’t get you washing dishes, I don’t know what will!
Children
For nine months before a child is born, the responsibilities are almost all on the woman. Eat right, exercise, doctor appointments, and, in particular, labor. After that, however, that the responsibilities for caring for and raising the child and need to be split equally. Both spouses have to experience the transformation into parenthood and divide the duties so that one or the other do not end up overwhelmed and feeling underappreciated. Equally important are reaching agreement regarding how to raise your children and presenting a united front when issues arise. If you and your spouse have divergent views on nutrition, education, discipline, etc., you need to deal with them before you add an actual child to your lives.
Now that you know which of the Spousal Squabbles to beware of in your marriage, you can work on your own solutions. It’s important to remember that all couples can disagree and quarrel, and that is normal, but in order to grow and get to the best place in your marriage, you need to work together to reconcile your differences, preferably before they become arguments.
Link used as a reference for this info article: https://www.gottman.com/blog/6-arguments-all-married-couples-have/
Have you been sensing distance in your relationship? Do you feel like your spouse or partner has been acting unusually cold and distant? Do you suspect they might be having an emotional or online affair? Maybe more?
Men and women can usually tell when something’s not right. It can cause tremendous amount of insecurity and suspicion. Some people resort to checking emails, texts and cell phone records and even purchasing programs that try and help them make sense of what’s going on. Confronting your spouse or partner with your suspicions can be met with “you’re crazy” or “that’s ridiculous”, which can make you feel crazy and really doubt yourself. It can cause frequent fights and arguments that never get resolved.
Are you having an emotional or online affair?
If you’re having an emotional affair and you don’t know what to do, you’re going to need help if you want to save your relationship or marriage. It’s not easy to let go. Most likely the emotional or online affair happened gradually and innocently. It felt good to get some attention, to be noticed. But then things developed and got out of control and now the connection is difficult to let go of, but you don’t want to lose your marriage or relationship because if it.
There are many couples that come in trying to cope with an emotional affair or online affair. Emotional affairs can certainly trigger intense emotions and feelings of rage, anger, sadness and betrayal as a full-blown sexual affair. Your spouse or partner loses trust in you and you certainly can feel pretty lousy about yourself as well.
Letting go of an emotional or online affair and reconnecting and your marriage or relationship.
It’s going to take patience. It’s going to take understanding. It’s going to take to working through the pain and finding out how to repair things and rebuild trust.
If you need help dealing with an emotional affair or online affair, let us know. We are located in Northern New Jersey in Essex County and we also offer online therapy if you are located anywhere in NJ.
At Maplewood Counseling, we see many couples and individuals who work or live in Chatham, New Jersey in Morris County. Some are looking for marriage counselors and want to see a therapist located nearby, but not necessarily in Chatham. Do you live or work in Chatham Borough or Chatham Township and need to find local therapy services to help you or your family? We offer in-person and video telehealth sessions.
Is this you?
You are struggling in your relationship or marriage and need help with communication
Your spouse recently found out about an affair and you want to save your marriage
You are stressed, anxious or feeling unhappy and want some professional help
You are both unhappy and distant and don’t want things to continue on this way
You’re considering divorce after a long term marriage and want to know what to do
You’re struggling with parenting, co-parenting, step family or blended family problems
You’ve been through a loss and need help dealing with grief
Issues with you teenager or adult children cause tremendous stress on the marriage
You’re dealing with serious medical issues and it is affecting the entire family
We provide therapy services for couples and individuals who work or live in Chatham. Some are looking for marriage counseling, some help trying to get through a difficult time. If you need therapy services, please contact us and let us know how we can help .
What do the most healthy and connected marriages have in common? Partners consistently emotionally respond to one another.
Emotionally responsiveness is one of the most important things you can do for a few very important reasons. It shows you are truly listening, you care about and validate their feelings. This allows the person to confirm these very important things –
I feel like I matter to you
I feel important to you
I feel like I can count on you
I fee like you’re there for me
What does it look like to emotionally respond? Here are some examples:
“I am angry you didn’t pick up the groceries”
Emotionally responding – “I’m so sorry” (this validates the other person’s emotions and shows you care about their feelings), I understand your feelings and I want you to be able to count on me” (this make the other person feel like they matter and you want the person to be able to count on you)
Opposite of emotional responsiveness – “Stop complaining, you forgot to get my dry cleaning last week” – this leads to disconnect, more anger, sadness, feeling alone, and makes the other person feel like they can’t count on and do not matter to you.
“I am feeling so sad and overwhelmed”
Emotionally responding – “I’m so sorry you’re feeling sad and overwhelmed” (this validates the other person’s emotions and shows you listening and care about their emotional experience), “I’m here for you – what can I do to help you?” (this make the other person feel like they matter even if they just want you to be present and listen and not fix anything)
Opposite of emotional responsiveness – “you’re too sensitive”, “stop crying”, ” you wouldn’t be so overwhelmed if you…” people want you to be present and not fix anything…
The best way you can be there for you spouse, partner (child, friend or other family member for that matter is – Listen and don’t try to fix anything
You can improve your marriage or relationship by improving
Find a therapist experienced with attachment issues (many are) to help you. If you’re looking for a therapist in Essex County, NJ, give us a call at 973-793-1000 or email us if that’s easier.
Want to tell your partner about an affair, but don’t know how?
How an Infidelity Therapist Can Help
Coming Clean and Being Honest
Want to know what to do about infidelity and how to tell you partner or spouse before they find out? Infidelity is extremely difficult to admit to, but continuing to be dishonest, lie and deny things can be even more harmful not only to the relationship, but the person having the affair. So many men and women who start affairs can’t even believe the Made such. mistake. “It is never something I thought I would do”, “I can’t believe I’m here”, “I’ve always been faithful and thought affairs happened to other couples”. And now you find yourself in an affair and the guilt is destroying you. You may need an infidelity therapist to help.
Understanding Infidelity
Is this You?
you were vulnerable to infidelity because of lack of connection, passion and feeling like you don’t matter
the kids, work, everything but the realtionship was a priority
we became so distance in your marriage over the years and felt unhappy and alone
there is/was some kind of thrill and adrenaline rush – maybe feeling alive again
it just felt good to be wanted for the first time in a long time
the infidelity may be masking an underlying issue such as depression, grief or trauma from the past
When things aren’t going well at home other things can happen. The insidious effects of the lack of connection can often start the process with what feels like is harmless flirting, texting and talking. Slowly you start wanting to do it more and more. Secretly you find ways to connect with the other person. Sometimes your spouse or partner senses something and starts questioning you, but you deny things when your spouse questions you, which really feels lousy.
When couples feel disconnected, forming a connection with someone else can (unfortunately) happen. Some couples realize they have lost the connection and choose therapy to help them and work on reconnecting before it goes down that path. Others may not really be aware of what they’re doing. Not feeling good about the marriage or relationship and then someone else pays attention to them – it can happen easily in these situations.
Once lines are crossed…
The toll an affair takes on the person having the affair can be huge. Good marriages and people do end up here. It usually happens over time – a couple becomes disconnected. Circumstances of busy lives, raising children, pressures at work, and trying to manage it all. Finding it difficult to maintain your connection and giving the relationship the attention it needs is very challenging. Depression, disappointment, anger, loneliness, not feeling like a priority, no sex or intimacy, frequent fights can all take a toll on your relationship.
How do I Tell My Wife, Husband or Partner About Current or Past Infidelity?
It’s not an easy thing to do. You may need an infidelity therapist to help.
Are you still having the affair? Are you trying to end it? Is the affair in the past, but guilt about the betrayal is eating away at you?
Fear of losing your marriage and family is the biggest reason people don’t want to admit to infidelity. So much pain it will cause and so much to lose if things can’t be worked out. Also, ending something that has given you much needed attention can be very difficult. It can cause men and women to feel grief, especially if you formed an attachment to the other person. You find yourself in a really hard place to be. Letting go of the affair may be painful (or not) and telling your spouse will be painful.
You may be ready to take the steps to end an affair and/or tell your spouse about the infidelity. You may need help doing this in the most sensitive and safe way possible. An infidleity therapist can help you do this in a safe place. You can take the steps to repair the damage, understand, talk and reconnect.
Need help healing your relationship? Contact Maplewood Counseling in Essex County New Jersey and let an experienced infidleity therapist help you take the steps to heal infidelity.
