How Does Marriage Counseling Work?

How it Can Help

How does marriage counseling work?

If you’ve never done marriage or couples counseling, you might wonder how it works. The way I work with couples is this – I like to take the first session and meet with a couple together. I assess the way you interact, listen, respond or react and the reasons you are coming to therapy. I want to understand each person’s perscpective and get a sense for the issues you are struggling with. At the same time, I will assess what happens when you are discussing the problems and to see if you interrupt, agree, disagree and understand. The second and third appointments I like to meet with each person individually to get a sense for their background and experience. It helps me to connect one-on-one to learn more about what each person feels and needs and what they are not getting in the relationship.

I also like to understand what each person experienced growing up when it comes to roll models for relationships. I will often ask how did your parents or other significant caretakers treat one another and how did they treated you. It gives me a good idea of how each person was “conditioned” to relate and how tow people from different backgrounds can have different views and expectations around relationships. You may want to repeat or avoid they way people treated each other when you were growing up. It is impoprtnt to undestanding how the past affects the present when it comes to relationships.

Many people that have gone through traumatic experiences growing may face have more challenges in their love relationships and therefore may need more help creating a more satisfying and stable relationship. I do want to understand attachment style and how secure or insecure you felt growing up how secure or insecure you feel in your marriage or relationship now. Understanding all of this and then helping you both understand the patterns and dynamic of your relationship is what we work on in the couples therapy.

Many people ask how long is couples therapy or how long will it take. Without knowing each of you and your dynamic…without knowing what each of you bring to the relationship from your past, it’s hard for me to answer that question other than to say the work that we do is short term in nature. Anywhere between 8-20 appointments for most couples. Some couples are in therapy longer. Typically session one is together with the couple so your therapist can assess you communication style and dynamic. Then th therapists will meet with each person individually to assess each person to leanr more about each person. Then the couples will meet together again session 4 on to work on issues. So I hope this helps as you’re searching for a couples therapist and trying to understand how therapy works if you are new to the process.

Just know that changing patterns and behavior takes time, awareness and consistent effort. Pain is a great motivator and usually people are much more willing to change something when there is a threat of losing your spouse or partner. Ultimatums like “i want a divorce” or “I can’t do this anymore” will make many people very scared and ready for counseling. The real challenge is staying what is most importnat to your partner or spouse – learning what they really need and responding rather than reacting. We do this together to help each person really understand and respond to needs of the other person without discounting, neglecting, defending, criticizing or invalidating when you don’t understand. Understanding and responding to each other rather than reacting is critical to building a stronger and ongoing connection with one another. I hope this helps as you’re searching for a therapist to understand the process of marriage counseling or couples therapy.

Find us on Psychologytoday.com and see some helpful info on the Psych Central Blog

Mental Health Resources in the LGBTQ+ Community

5 Ways to Improve Your Relationship

Relationships

Ways to Improve Your Relationship

Doing This Will Help

5 Ways to Improve Your Relationship

Here are 5 ways to improve your relationship that will help you connect in more positive ways with your spouse or partner.

1) Stop criticizing
2) Listen and learn how to be there emotionally
3) Follow through, do what you say – you want your partner to be able to count on you
4) Avoid “you always” or “you never” statements
5) Learn what makes your spouse or partner feel important – what he or she needs

Stop Criticizing

Stop criticizing and attacking when you’re upset and try to say something your spouse, partner or family member will more likely hear and take in. Many people will say criticizing is an auto pilot response when they get angry, frustrated or disappointed. It may be the way their parents or other relationship role models interacted. It may the way you were treated when you were you and just feel familiar. It may take some work to stop the habit of criticizing when you feel hurt or misunderstood, but it can be done and will improve your relationship and connection.

Listen and Be There

It may be tempting to defend yourself or even withdraw from your spouse or partner when they are angry, sad or upset, but it is important to try and listen to what they are saying and need. This is not always possible especially if you’re being verbally attacked and criticized, but if your spouse or partner can express their feelings, whatever they are, in a reasonable way, try and listen. Don’t try and fix their sadness or solve their problem. Just listen. Be present.

You Can Count On Me

Do you follow through with what you say? It can be the small things “I’ll pick up the groceries”,. “I’ll be home by 7”, or the big things “Don’t worry I’ll take care of things so you can take care of your mother”, “Go ahead and take the promotion – I’ll take care of the kids” or some of the biggest challenges “Don’t worry about anything but getting better – I’ve got this”. Giving your partner the consistent message – you can count on me – will help you build a stronger connection.

Try to Avoid You statements
If you want your partner to respond rather than react, it’s best to avoid “You” statements and rather use “I” statements when trying to talk about something that bothers you. You want your partner to hear you and no becom defensive, argumentative and/or shut down. If you use statements such as “you always” or “you never”, it will not help you understand your spouse or partner and resolve an issue.

You are Important to Me | You Do Matter

Find ways to let your partner or spouse know they really matter to you – that they are important to you. This may be easier said than done, but being present, listening (without being defensive, judgmental or trying to fix something) is a good way to really be there and let your loved one know you care and are trying to understand what they need. It will make a hug difference in your relationship if you can emotionally respond in this way.

Ways to Improve Your Relationship (It’s not that easy sometimes)

If you’re feeling stuck and having trouble improving your relationship and connecting in more positive ways, emotionally focused therapy (what is emotionally focused therapy?) can help you find ways to strengthen your marriage or relationship. There are understandable reasons you may not be able to do this on your own.

Need marriage or couples therapy? Get in touch and let us know how we can help you.

Find an Experienced Marriage and Relationship Counseling in NJ

Trying to Heal After An Affair? Need Help?

Anxiety, Depression, Relationships

Therapy After An Affair

Helping Couples Heal

How to Heal Your Relationship After an Affair

Need marriage or relationship therapy after and affair? Can your relationship heal after this level of betrayal? Is it really possible for the relationship to survive cheating, or is a divorce or a break-up inevitable?

The news is better than you might think. It is possible to heal your relationship after an affair, but only if you both are willing and committed to doing the work necessary to fix the damage: both the damage that the affair caused, as well as the damage which caused the affair. According to “Surprised by Love” by Jay Kent-Ferraro Ph.D., MBA, “Marriages don’t end because of infidelity; they end because of how infidelity is dealt with.” Is your love and commitment strong enough to overcome the profound failure of cheating? Here are ten critical steps couples must take to survive the damage of an affair and emerge with a stronger relationship.

Honesty

When cheating is brought to light, it is important that the wronged member of the relationship talks openly and honestly to their partner. Overcome with feelings of grief and distrust, this member must put their pain and hurt into words to let their partner know what they are feeling. By the same token, the partner who had the affair must respond to questions truthfully; attempting to minimize your partner’s pain by understating the facts will only lead to more distrust when they inevitably learn the truth.

Bear Witness

Just as significantly, if not more so, the cheating partner must prepare to face the pain and heartache that their behavior has brought on. In many situations, the unfaithful party can feel paralyzed with guilt, and see the affair as damage that cannot be repaired. This causes them to push their partner to put the pain behind them rather than take the time to grieve to help heal. Dr. Janis A. Spring, clinical psychologist and author, insists that the offender “bear witness” to the pain they have brought on instead of trying to defend or deflect. Taking responsibility of this wrongdoing is vital to rebuilding trust in the relationship.

Atone

After bearing witness to the hurt and pain they have caused, the unfaithful partner must express remorse. This is key to rebuilding a relationship after an affair, and without this step there is no way the relationship can be repaired.

Get it in Writing

After the person who had the affair has listened and understood the pain they caused their spouse or partner, Spring suggests that they write out their apology in their own words. This detailed letter to their loved one can help prove to their partner that they understand the pain that they have caused. Spring explains, “Verbal reassurances, promising you won’t do it again, that means nothing after cheating. They have to prove they’ve heard and understood their partner on the deepest level, and that means citing very specific examples of how they’ve hurt them and then taking actions to prove they will not do so in the future.”

Forgiveness Isn’t Cheap

Sometimes, the offended partner—desperate to salvage the relationship or too scared to be alone–will forgive before they have had any chance to grieve. This “cheap forgiveness” actually can hurt the relationship by interrupting the healthy grieving process. Avoid this “cheap forgiveness” as it can set you up in a place where you do not deal with the hurt, your partner does not come to understand your pain, and in turn they can continue to be unfaithful in the future.

Who’s Responsible?

In relationships where one person has strayed, both parties may bear some measure of responsibility for the problems which led to the affair. While the unfaithful person must own up to 100% of the guilt, the wronged member of the relationship must accept some responsibility for cultivating an unhappy relationship. Not only the cheater, but the hurt person has to see how their role played a part that made their significant other decide to have an affair, and take progressive steps to provide more emotional intimacy in the future. That being said, no matter what the couples’ problems were, only one partner cheated, and this step cannot be used to deflect responsibility for that conscious and deliberate decision.

Full Disclosure

After the cheater understands their significant other’s feelings and owns up to their 100% of the guilt for cheating without being defensive, the cheater must fully disclose everything. While uncovering all secrets may be painful, this allows for a blank slate where both parties have been transparent and vulnerable.

Couples that are healing after an affair need to get insight in what went wrong without just blaming each other. During this step, some partners will feel anger, hurt, pain, and betrayal when they learn what their lover has done, but full disclosure and honesty is the best way to get back trust and intimacy.

No “Second Chance”

Not only does the person who is responsible for the affair need to end the affair, they need to end all contact at all with his or her lover. This “no second chance” rule may seem over-the-top, but it will discourage cheating.

Gain Support

Once both partners have forgiven and are ready to rebuild their relationship, they both must make the relationship a top priority. As part of this new obligation to value each other, the couple should go public with the state of their relationship and gain support from the people closest to them. Let these people know that, despite the affair, they are recommitted and are rebuilding trust.

Get Physical

The last step is about being able to reconnect with your partner physically. If the couple wants to stay together, the rebuilding must reach the bedroom, too. According to Dr. John Gottman, “Without the presence of sexual intimacy that is pleasurable to both, the relationship can’t begin again.”

Healing your relationship after an affair is a difficult process, but it can be done. The process can be helped along with an experienced therapist to help you repair and strengthen your relationship. Call 973-902-8700 if you are a couple needing help in Essex County, New Jersey.

Pornography and Marriage

Relationships

Pornography and Marriage

The Impact on Relationships

Pornography and Marriage | How Porn Affects Relationships

Recent advances in technology have made pornography remarkably available; the days of X-rated theaters, adult bookstores, and video cassette rentals are long gone. What does this mean for our relationships? Many people have come to terms with porn, concluding that it is just part of society and brushing it off as if it is not a big deal at all. Others, on the other hand, feel distraught about this addictive, self-esteem shattering “hobby.”

The truth, like most things in life, it is neither black nor white; pornography can have negative or positive effects on a relationship. Here are a few insights on why people turn to pornography and how you can use porn to improve your relationship instead of destroy it. You may want to think twice before hiding your secret stash to avoid being caught by your significant other. According to recent studies, people who are upfront with their partners about watching pornography have better, happier relationships. According to Dr. Fran Walfish, “Being honest about pornography use with a partner indicates that the person is comfortable with their own sexuality and the things that sexually titillate, stimulate, arouse, and turn on their excitation.”

In relationships, honesty and openness between partners is what brings them closer together and helps to yield a happier relationship. On the other hand, when one of the two members choose to hide their porn use and keep it secret, Walfish explains that this could be seen as “betrayal and raise mistrust, suspicions, and put a wedge of distance between the partners.” Disclosing your secret porn use to your significant other is certainly not easy.

Partners who want to come clean about their use of pornography may not know how to begin to approach it.

Here are a few questions that Dr. Walfish suggests asking yourself:

1. Why did you keep in secret in the first place?”

2. Is it because your partner is inhibited and might judge you for this type of behavior?

3. Do you feel shame about your pornography usage?

The responses to these questions will help to assess if it will be easy to talk to a partner or spouse about these issues. In addition, while not everyone is the same, men and women tend to hold different views about pornography. According to Psychology Today, “Men and women tend to disagree on two issues: How porn is watched (alone, in groups, with a sexual partner); and how often it is watched.”

If you are in a relationship where you and your partner do not agree about the use of pornography, the following questions can help you understand your partner’s point of view. The partner who is in favor of porn, ask yourself…

1. Does watching porn cause trauma in my partner?

2. How does watching porn influence my day-to-day emotions and how does it cause me to approach my relationship.

3. When does watching porn harm my relationship?

The partner who is against porn, ask yourself…

1. Why does my partner’s participation in watching porn trigger trauma in me?

2. Why do I experience trauma from porn while others may not?

3. How do my feelings about my partner watching porn affect my relationship?

It is very important that both partners understand how the other feels about the use of porn and arrive at a mutually acceptable conclusion. The alternative can create significant problems. Among other things, partners who object to their mate’s use of pornography often experience fear, anxiety, a feeling of not belonging, and feeling emotionally on edge. The other partner, who wants to view porn but feels compelled to stop, may experience feelings of depression, anxiety, and loneliness, which lead to unhappiness and dissatisfaction.

If your relationship is stuck in the middle of this quandary, what can you do?

1. Two is better than one Couples who participate in viewing porn together and who come to a mutual agreement of what is acceptable and what is not, have much more satisfaction in their relationship because of the high levels of communication and honesty. According to Walfish, “When both partners are equally open sexually and emotionally pornography can be an ‘exciting wonderful foreplay’. Often, watching can stimulate ideas, themes, and scenarios that can elicit spontaneity and adventure for the couple.”

2. Honesty is the best policy Many of the negative feelings experienced by those who do not agree with watching pornography stem from the idea that doing so is akin to infidelity. According to reseachers Marley N. Resch and Kevin G. Alderson, “Female partners may find pornography to be a source of competition in that they may not be satisfying their partners’ needs.” Opening up the lines of communication can help address these concerns. However, it is important to address these issues as early as possible. Later disclosures about previously hidden porn use can not only affect trust, but also affect one partner’s sense of who it is they are with.

3. Ask For Help All these questions and feelings can be extremely hard for couples to navigate on their own. More often than not, it takes a skilled professional to assist with these issues by doing a thorough background history with each partner to help them assess both themselves and each other, preliminary to bringing them to a happier, healthier place in their relationship.

If you’re in New Jersey, call Maplewood Counseling at 973-793-1000 to help you and your partner begin this journey.

Online Cheating Threatens Relationships

Relationships

Online Cheating & Cyber Affairs

Dealing with Betrayal

Online Cheating, Affairs and Cyber Infidelity

When a husband, wife or partner has an affair, the betrayal can be devatating. Online cheating can also cause a tremendous amount of pain in a relationship. So seductive and easily accessible, the Internet and mobile devices are an opportunity anytime, anywhere to fill a void and get attention you are not getting elsewhere.

Is this you?

you hide your phone because you are sending inappropriate texts at all hours
you suspect your spouse or partner is connecting with other men or women online or on their phone
you feel guilty about cyber cheating and need help ending something that could ruin your relationship
the attention is so seductive, tempting and it’s so easy to start something with a coworker or friend
you want to come clean and admit the cyber affair before it’s too late
it’s hard to stop because it makes you happy and feels very good
your spouse or partner keeps accusing you and feels insecure
you don’t think it’s all that serious and deny anything is going on
you clearly see how it is hurting your relationship and need help

If online cheating is hurting your relationships, get in touch.

Online Cheating

Betrayal & Trust Issues

Caught Your Spouse?

6 Main Reasons Married Couples Argue

Relationships

6 Main Reasons Couples Argue

Understanding Can Help

Six Spousal Squabbles | Top 6 Topics Married Couples Argue Over

The Six Spousal Squabbles –a list of the top topics about which married couples argue—is based on Dr. John Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. As Gottman explains, “Even in very happy stable marriages, these issues are perennial.” We know that all couples argue, but you need to take what you learn from these arguments and grow with your spouse. This is how you and your loved one will truly get to the best place in your marriage.

Stress in the Workplace

After getting yelled at by your boss, you come home and yell at your husband or wife. Clearly, this is a recipe for disaster. While you or your spouse may suffer at a stressful job, you always want to try to make your marriage a peaceful oasis. After a long difficult day at work, give your spouse some time to collect her thoughts when she gets home, and do the same for yourself. This unwinding time is much needed to avoid bringing that dreaded work stress into your marriage. Make sure that you both schedule some “me” time separately before coming together to discuss your days.

Issues with In-Laws

This actually happened: Kim Smith-Jones was invited to her husband’s family reunion. Her mother-in-law had t-shirts made for the occasion. All of the Joneses were given blue t-shirts; Kim—and the spouses of her husband’s siblings—got yellow. Then, when it came time for the big family photo, Kim and the other spouses-in-law were left out. Not surprisingly, the ride home was not pleasant.

Friction between a spouse and in-laws can beone of the biggest issues in a marriage: If you or your spouse is a “mama’s boy” or “daddy’s girl,” a clear line has to be set and abided by. When you got married, you created a new family with your spouse, and that means that your priorities have to change. You begin your own family traditions. You need to make sure that both the in-laws and your own parents understand that they cannot and will not comebetween you and your partner.

Money Problems

They say that opposites attract, but opposite attitudes towards money can create problems. Finances can certainly be a huge stressor for any couple, but if they do not look at financial issues in the same way—picture a big spender and a die-hard saver—disagreements will follow. I am a big believer of keeping your and your spouse’s money separate, but if you decide that you want or need to pool it together, you have to be ready to work as a team on all financial issues. You need to come up with guidelines regarding what spending, borrowing and investing is acceptable and what is nonnegotiable. If you have issues in this area, look into the possibility of a financial planner.

Physical and Mental Sex

In the movie Annie Hall, the two lead characters, Alvy and Annie, are shown separately talking to their therapists. Both are asked how often they sleep together. Alvy responds, “Hardly ever. Maybe three times a week.” Annie says, “Constantly! I’d say three times a week!”

Sexuality in a marriage is just as much mental as it is physical. You need to be able to open up with your partner so that you both understand what the other is looking for. Sex should bring you closer not only in body, but in mind as well. In a happy sex life, you and your partner should see sex as intimate, but not allow the needs or desires from either side be taken personally. After all, you want to both be happy and satisfied!

Housework Responsibilities

Long gone are the Mad Men days where women stay at home and tackle the housework while the men are at the office. Nevertheless, the stereotypical expectations regarding cooking, cleaning, shopping and laundry can certainly put strain on your marriage. The solution is that you simply need to work as a team and fairly contribute to the chores.

While it would be an overstatement to conclude that men are always at fault regarding these issues, that is often the case; men who grew up with stay-at-home mothers may need to make a more conscious effort to avoid this problem. Maybe this will help:Studies show that “women find a man’s willingness to do housework extremely erotic.” Now, if that doesn’t get you washing dishes, I don’t know what will!

Children

For nine months before a child is born, the responsibilities are almost all on the woman. Eat right, exercise, doctor appointments, and, in particular, labor. After that, however, that the responsibilities for caring for and raising the child and need to be split equally. Both spouses have to experience the transformation into parenthood and divide the duties so that one or the other do not end up overwhelmed and feeling underappreciated. Equally important are reaching agreement regarding how to raise your children and presenting a united front when issues arise. If you and your spouse have divergent views on nutrition, education, discipline, etc., you need to deal with them before you add an actual child to your lives.

Now that you know which of the Spousal Squabbles to beware of in your marriage, you can work on your own solutions. It’s important to remember that all couples can disagree and quarrel, and that is normal, but in order to grow and get to the best place in your marriage, you need to work together to reconcile your differences, preferably before they become arguments.

Link used as a reference for this info article: https://www.gottman.com/blog/6-arguments-all-married-couples-have/