Maplewood Counseling
Understanding and Overcoming Controlling Behaviors

Understanding and Overcoming Controlling Behaviors

Relationships

Understanding and Overcoming Controlling Behaviors

 

At Maplewood Counseling, we provide inclusive care for people of all races, cultures, and backgrounds, including interfaith, interracial, BIPOC, LGBTQIA+, and blended families. Our therapists bring lived experiences and specialized training to create a safe, affirming space for all.

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Are you struggling with the need to control things in your life? Do you find that this need affects your relationships? Understanding the reasons behind controlling behaviors is the first step toward finding a healthier balance.

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What Does It Mean to Be Controlling?

Controlling behaviors often come from a feeling of being out of control. It can be a way to cope with deep-seated fears or insecurities. A person might feel inadequate or afraid of being seen as a fraud. This can lead to actions like gaslighting or guilt-tripping to maintain a sense of power.

However, the desire for control isn’t always negative. Sometimes, it comes from a genuine place of concern. A parent might want to protect their child, or a friend may try to keep a loved one from making a mistake.

In relationships, a strong need for control can be damaging. It creates an imbalance of power and can lead to resentment, anger, and mistrust. The person being controlled may feel like they have lost their independence. Letting go of control, on the other hand, is a sign of trust and respect. It allows for open communication and a more equal partnership.

To break free, it’s important to understand what drives the need for control. This might involve exploring past experiences or insecurities. Learning to communicate your needs clearly without trying to control others is key. It’s also about learning to accept that some things are simply out of our hands. Embracing this uncertainty can open you up to new experiences.

5 Common Reasons People Are Controlling

The need to control others can make relationships with a partner or children very challenging. Here are some of the most common reasons why people develop controlling behaviors.

  1. Insecurity: Deep-seated insecurities are a primary cause. When people feel they are not good enough, they may try to control others to feel more powerful and important.
  2. Fear of Losing Control: Some people fear losing control in their own lives. This often comes from past situations where they felt helpless. They try to control others to create a sense of stability.
  3. A Need for Perfection: Controlling people often need things to be perfect. They can become anxious when things don’t go according to plan and may try to manage others to ensure a perfect outcome.
  4. Lack of Trust: A lack of trust in themselves or others can also be a factor. They might feel they are the only ones who can do things correctly and fear that others will let them down.
  5. Relationship Insecurity: People with low self-esteem may fear being abandoned. They might try to control their partner’s actions to prevent the relationship from ending.

Past trauma can also lead to controlling behaviors. If someone grew up in a household where control was used to maintain power, they may learn to use it themselves as a way to feel safe.

What If People Call You a “Control Freak”?

Being seen as controlling can cause a lot of friction in your relationships. It can lead to anger, resentment, and frequent conflicts. This behavior might show up as being manipulative, demanding, or overly critical.

It’s important to remember that being controlling doesn’t make someone a bad person. Often, it comes from a fear of losing control or a need for security. However, since this behavior can damage relationships, it’s important to address it.

Open communication is one of the most effective tools. Both people in a relationship need to be able to express their feelings without fear of confrontation. Setting and respecting boundaries is also vital. This means recognizing your partner’s right to make their own choices.

Learning to let go is also a part of the process. Trying to manage every situation will only lead to frustration. Accepting that some things are out of your control can lead to healthier, happier relationships.

How to Reduce the Need to Control Others

  1. Acknowledge the Behavior: The first step is to recognize that you are being controlling. This can be hard, as you may not see your actions in that light or may feel they are justified.
  2. Practice Letting Go: Understand that you can’t control everything. Trying to do so only leads to disappointment. Accepting things as they are can reduce the need to control others.
  3. Build Your Self-Esteem: Low self-esteem can fuel the need to control. Working on your confidence will help you feel more secure in yourself, so you won’t need to rely on controlling others.
  4. Communicate Better: Often, controlling behavior is a substitute for effective communication. Learn to express your needs and concerns clearly and respectfully.
  5. Seek Professional Help: If the behavior is deeply ingrained or stems from past trauma, therapy can be very helpful. A therapist can help you work through the underlying issues.

Ready to Find a Healthier Balance?

The need to control others may come from a place of fear, but it can harm your relationships and your own personal growth. By understanding your motivations, practicing healthy communication, and respecting others, you can break free from controlling patterns.

Working on these tendencies can help you build fulfilling relationships based on mutual trust and understanding. It’s an ongoing process, but the reward of healthier connections is worth the effort.

Therapy can help you understand and reduce your need to control things around you. If this behavior is causing problems in your life or relationships, please reach out for help.

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Frequently Asked Questions About Controlling Behaviors

 

What are the signs of controlling behavior in a relationship?
Controlling behaviors can include telling someone what to do, needing to know where they are at all times, or making decisions without including others. You might also notice patterns of criticism, threats, or guilt-tripping.

Why do people become controlling?
This often starts from deeper feelings like insecurity, fear, or a need for stability. Some people learned controlling habits from tough experiences or past relationships.

How can controlling behaviors impact my relationship?
These behaviors can hurt trust, cause resentment, and make partners or loved ones feel small or unheard. Over time, relationships can become strained or distant.

Can controlling behaviors be changed?
Yes. With self-awareness, practice, and support, most people can learn to manage these habits. Therapy is a safe place to work on this, either individually or as a couple.

Is it normal to want some control in relationships?
It’s normal to want to feel secure and understood. Healthy relationships respect each person’s boundaries and need for independence, while allowing for compromise and shared decisions.

What should I do if someone says I’m controlling?
Try to listen openly. It might hurt to hear, but their feedback can help you see things from their perspective. Working with a therapist can help you explore new ways to communicate and support each other.

When should I seek professional help?
If controlling behaviors are causing pain, frequent arguments, or isolation, seeking help can make a big difference. Therapists can guide you through understanding and changing these patterns to support a healthier connection for everyone involved.

Ready to take the next step?

If you’re looking to break free from controlling patterns and create stronger, more satisfying connections, we’re here for you. Contact Maplewood Counseling today to learn how compassionate guidance can support you and your relationships. Book your confidential session now—we’re ready to help you move forward.

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When you feel understood

How good does it feel when someone gets you? When someone truly  listens and understands you and is there for you emotionally? How wonderful does it feel when someone responds to you rather than reacts? How awful does it feel that the person you’re sharing a home with, a bed with cannot do that for you?

Feeling understood and seen is where a deeper connection starts. It also were disconnect and unhappiness starts – if you repeatedly feel misunderstood and not seen.

In some cases a spouse or partner truly does not understand what you’re upset about or what you need. But there is a difference between trying to fix something and the intention of trying to help, than being dismissive, eye rolling out of frustration. Some people don’t know how to respond in a compassionate way and and respond. It will help your spouse or partner hear “I see you are (angry, sad, frutrated, etc…) and I understand (or want to understand) – I am sorry you feel that way…what do you need from me (or how can I help?) ”

Want to get better at respnding in more compassionate and positive ways? Want to repair your fights in more effective ways? Get in touch.

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Ways You Might Be Causing Jealousy in Your Relationship

Ways You Might Be Causing Jealousy in Your Relationship

Anxiety, Depression, Relationships

Ways You Might Be Causing Jealousy in Your Relationship

 

Reviewed by Debra Feinberg LCSW 

At Maplewood Counseling, we provide inclusive care for people of all races, cultures, and backgrounds, including interfaith, interracial, BIPOC, LGBTQIA+, and blended families. Our therapists bring lived experiences and specialized training to create a safe, affirming space for all.

Causing Jealousy in Your Relationship

Jealousy can be a powerful and challenging emotion in any partnership. While often seen as a sign of insecurity, it can also be a response to certain actions, even if they are unintentional. Understanding how your behaviors might be contributing to your partner’s feelings is a crucial step toward building a more secure and trusting connection. It’s an opportunity to look at your interactions with empathy and see where small changes can make a big difference. Recognizing these patterns isn’t about placing blame; it’s about fostering awareness and strengthening the foundation of your relationship.

Navigating these feelings together can transform challenges into growth. Let’s explore some common ways you might be unintentionally causing jealousy and discuss how to address them with care and understanding.

Lack of Open Communication

When your partner doesn’t know what’s going on in your life, their mind might fill in the blanks, sometimes with worst-case scenarios. A lack of transparency about your day, your social plans, or your interactions with others can create a sense of unease.

How to Address It:
Make an effort to share details about your life proactively. You don’t need to provide a minute-by-minute report, but talking about your day, mentioning who you had lunch with, or sharing a funny story from work can close the information gap. This openness helps your partner feel included and secure, leaving less room for doubt to grow.

Giving Excessive Attention to Others

Whether it’s constantly liking and commenting on someone else’s social media posts or spending more time texting a friend than talking to your partner, giving excessive attention elsewhere can feel like a slight. It may signal to your partner that they are not your priority.

How to Address It:
Be mindful of where your attention goes, especially when you are with your partner. Put your phone away during shared meals or while watching a movie together. Ensure your interactions with others don’t overshadow the connection you have with your partner. The goal is to make your partner feel seen, valued, and prioritized.

Not Setting Clear Boundaries with Others

Friendships outside of your relationship are healthy and important. However, if the lines become blurry, it can create discomfort. A friendship that feels overly familiar, involves sharing intimate emotional details, or lacks clear boundaries can easily trigger feelings of jealousy.

How to Address It:
Work with your partner to establish clear and mutually agreed-upon boundaries for your friendships. This might involve discussing what level of communication is appropriate or deciding together what “crossing a line” looks like. These conversations empower your partnership and create a shared sense of safety.

Comparing Your Partner to Others

Making comparisons, even if meant as a joke or a casual comment, can be incredibly hurtful. Statements like, “My ex used to love doing this,” or “So-and-so’s partner is always…” can make your partner feel inadequate and insecure in their position in your life.

How to Address It:
Focus on celebrating your partner for who they are. Avoid making comparisons, whether positive or negative. Each relationship is unique, and honoring that uniqueness is key. Reinforce your appreciation for your partner’s specific qualities and the special bond you share.

Building Trust and Strengthening Your Bond

Addressing the root causes of jealousy is an act of love. It requires patience, empathy, and a willingness to see things from your partner’s perspective. By communicating openly, setting clear boundaries, and making your partner feel like a priority, you can create a safe space for connection. These efforts not only reduce jealousy but also build a resilient foundation of trust that can help your relationship thrive.

Every relationship faces challenges, but how you navigate them together defines your strength as a couple. By transforming these difficult moments into opportunities for growth, you can reignite your bond and build a more deeply connected partnership.

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Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

 

1. Is jealousy always a bad thing in a relationship?
Jealousy is a natural human emotion, and a mild form can sometimes show that you care. However, when it becomes overwhelming, controlling, or persistent, it can be destructive to the relationship. The key is to understand its source and address it constructively.

2. My partner gets jealous, but I feel like I haven’t done anything wrong. What should I do?
It’s a difficult situation when your actions are misinterpreted. The first step is to listen to your partner’s feelings without becoming defensive. Try to understand their perspective and validate their emotions, even if you don’t agree. This can open the door to a productive conversation about what’s causing their insecurity and how you can work together to resolve it.

3. How can we set boundaries with others without offending our friends?
Setting boundaries is about protecting your relationship, not punishing your friends. You can communicate your boundaries kindly and firmly. For example, you might say, “I value our friendship, but I need to prioritize my time with my partner in the evenings.” It’s about being clear on what is and isn’t acceptable to maintain the health of your primary partnership.

4. What if my partner’s jealousy is due to their past experiences?
Past trauma or relationship experiences can certainly influence how a person feels in their current relationship. It’s important to be patient and compassionate. Encourage open dialogue about their fears and offer reassurance. In some cases, seeking professional support or couples counseling can provide a safe environment to work through these deeper issues.

Need Help with Indielity How do I get started?

Contact Maplewood Counseling to schedule an initial consultation if you are in a relartionship dealing with jealouisy.

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If you have additional questions or want to take the next step, please don’t hesitate to reach out. Your well-being matters to us, and we are here for you every step of the way.

 

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Can a relationship counselor really help?

Are you feeling disconnected in your marriage or relationship? Have you given up on trying to fix things yourself? Wonder how an experienced relationship counselor can help?

There are several issues that cause couples to feel disconnected. Struggling with communication issues – knowing how to repair small and serious issues is key. Even more difficult relationship “ruptures” like infidelity and affairs, dealing with family problems such as in-laws, parenting, step-family or blended family problems, dealing with an ex, etc… Learning what will help your break habits and patterns that are not working will help.

Communication Problems

Do you treat your partner with disrespect? Are you being verbally abused or treated poorly by your partner, husband or wife? Do one or both of you get into name-calling, criticism or devaluing your partner or spouse? Do one or both of you end up withdrawing, putting up a wall and end up with the silent treatment?

When you struggle over and over, it can cause disconnect.  Disconnect causes so many painful emotions. When you don’t feel understood (depending on your relationship style) it can cause one person to get louder and louder ( “I want you to hear me and understand me!”) or it can cause someone to withdraw because there is little hope to get anywhere or it does not feel safe . Becoming more aware of patterns or habits of defending, criticizing, ignoring or putting up a wall is going to help.  Learning how to listen and allow space for one another to express concerns and feelings is key to creating safety and reconnecting.

Understanding Yourself and Your Partner

How can an experienced marriage and  relationship counselor can help?

It will also take reflecting on an understanding your own part in your relationship struggles. Meaning, most people learn from their role models how people to treat others.

In addition, people that grew up in loving and nurturing and excepting homes, find it easier to respond and feel more connected in their adult relationships. On the other hand, people that grow up in homes where adults didn’t listen or they were disrespectful, critical, neglectful to another parent or adult and/or you, that will definitely inform the way you relate to people you love.

However, this is not meant to blame anyone since understanding and making sense of the past as well as accepting what you can’t change is important. Because, parents and role models do the best they can. Also, they certainly did what they knew how to do even if it wasn’t very good for anyone else around them.

How a relationship counselor can help

Firstly, understanding past experiences, conditioning and how these habits and patterns developed will help you work on breaking them. Secondly, if you are both open and willing to do this, you can create a much more loving, satisfying and connected relationship.

As a result, a skilled relationship counselor can help you understand what gets in the way of truly listening and understanding each other.  In addition, it’s important to understand all of the different aspects of your dynamic that are problematic. Therefore,  once you become more aware and pay more attention to what you’re doing or not doing, it can make a huge difference.

If you are in a bad place in your relationship and you are both willing and open to getting help, a skilled relationship counselor can help. So If you’re ready to take that step – or I have done some marriage or couples therapy in the past, and need more help now – get in touch.

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