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Why Does Infidelity Happen?

Why Does Infidelity Happen?

Anxiety, Depression, Grief, Relationships

INFIDELITY THERAPY NEAR ME NJ 

 

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Why Does Infidelity Happen?

 

Understanding and dealing with infidelity

Infidelity is common in today’s society, and yet, it’s a taboo that has existed for centuries. Relationships and marriages suffer when infidelity occurs. The deceived partner generally feels hurt and lost, or perhaps angry and betrayed. The partner having the affair might feel guilty and terrible about the harm and hurt feelings they’ve caused.

It’s a fact that many people have been exposed to affairs. Perhaps they experienced it as a child, seeing affairs occur in their parent’s marriage. Or, perhaps they found out about friends or relatives involved in affairs. Or, maybe they took part in an affair themselves. Then, there’s the flip side, being the one whose partner had an affair.

So…why do people cheat?

Esther Perel, a psychotherapist, who is a leading expert on relationship counseling, raises meaningful questions in her TED Talk video entitled “Rethinking Infidelity…a talk for anyone who has ever loved.”

The questions she raises dig deep into the reasons that affairs occur. Her talk also offers hope for those who want to restore their relationship after an affair. Of course, the reasons for an affair can vary from couple to couple. However, infidelity often shares common denominators.

Questions that help provide guidance during counseling

A question for both partners of a couple to answer:

Does the affair have to be the end of your relationship?

Questions for the partner who had the affair:

  • What made you want to have an affair? Was it for the sex? Or was it for the attention, the desire to feel special or important?
  • Did you experience a loss prior to having the affair—for example the loss of a parent, a friend, a career, or bad news from a doctor?
  • Were you happy with your partner but looking for a deeper emotional connection, for novelty, autonomy or sexual intensity?
  • Was your marriage already dying and the affair was simply the final straw?
  • Did the secretive relationship make you feel more alive? Were you attracted because it was a taboo, something you shouldn’t do?
  • Were you trying to find a different aspect of yourself, perhaps be a different or better version of yourself in a new relationship?
  • Are you sorry that having an affair hurt your partner?

For the partner deceived by the affair:

  • Did discovering the affair make you doubt yourself? Did you wonder who you were and if you had value?
  • Could you no longer trust your partner? Did you start distrusting other people in general?
  • Were you upset because you thought you had a happy relationship and didn’t understand why your partner would stray?
  • Do you wonder what your partner found through the affair that they believed they couldn’t experience with you?
  • Did you feel like you were no longer special—you weren’t “the one” anymore?
  • After discovering the affair, did you feel a loss of identity, like you didn’t know who you were?
  • Did you feel your partner lied to you, “you’re crazy, nothing is happening” and feel gaslighting was making you doubt yourself and your gut?
  • Even though you never had an affair, did you betray your partner in other ways? Through condemnation, criticism, neglect, indifference or perhaps even violence?

Find out how relationship counseling can help

With any difficulty that arises in life, it’s possible to emerge from it with a broader perspective and a deeper understanding. Finding ways to rediscover joy and meaning in life is vital for everyone.

Whether or not you stay together and recreate your relationship is a decision that you as a couple will make. Either way, exploring the issues underlying infidelity can offer an opportunity for you both to grow as individuals.

Contact us about relationship counseling and discover what answers are true for you.

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Emotionally Reactive Relationship

Emotionally Reactive Relationship

Relationships

Emotionally Reactive
Relationship Help

Crisis Couples Therapy

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Help with An Emotionally Reactive Relationship

The Volatile, Emotionally Reactive Relationship

Need help with emotional reactivity? Does this sound familiar?

You or your partner get triggered and “lose it” a lot

  • You (and your kids) feel like you’re walking on egg shells
  • Your children are seeing some very negative interactions
  • Your spouse or partner blames you a lot
  • You feel stuck and can’t find a better way to communicate

 

Emotional reactivity and hair trigger responses are going to make it difficult to feel more connected and happier in your relationship. No doubt people trigger each other all the time in relationships, but it’s about how you work with the trigger so you don’t lash out. Lashing out to your spouse or children doesn’t help and cause emotional damage. The result may be your spouse wanting a divorce and your children not wanting a relationship with you.

If you are the person that gets emotionally reactive, you know how hard it is to stop. Getting frustrated and angry at your partner is not unusual – all relationships deal with frustrating and angry moments. It’s normal to have your differences, but when you get extremely angry and feel like you can’t stand (hate) your spouse or partner and you’re having difficulty finding anything positive about him or her, there is something important to understand about your triggers. Acting in a way that makes others feel very unsafe and scared of you will cause a tremendous amount if damage to the relationship over time. It is also bad for your own health. Many couples need professional help to understand and change this toxic dynamic.

Many experienced marriage and couples counselors see what happens over time when a couple get stuck in this place.

If you’re on the receiving end of someone getting really angry, yelling, criticizing and even name calling, it can be devastating and cause you to eventually question  whether you can stay in the marriage or relationship.  Because it’s a tremendous amount of damage and disconnect in the relationship.

Do you need help dealing with emotional reactivity? Get in touch.

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5 Ways to Improve Your Relationship

Caught in the Middle?

Relationships

Caught in the Middle?

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Are you caught in the middle?

Does this sound familiar to you?
  • Your spouse and your parents and/ or don’t get along
  • Your spouse wants you to choose him/her or your family
  • Your partner does not like your family and does not want to visit
  • You struggle with trying to make things manageable when there are family gatherings
  • You don’t feel you spouse or partner protects you or stands up for you
  • You don’t feel like a priority or your spouse complains of the same
  • You don’t agree with how your partner handle things with your children and feel “split”
  • You end up fighting a lot befor, during or after family gathertings

 

Whether you are caught in the middle with your family and spouse/partner or children, the end result is feeling awful. Feeling pulled and unable to bring the two sides together can cause anger, depression, sadness and frustration.

 

Maybe your parents feel they should be a priority and can be unreasonable. Maybe you’ve been conditioned to take care of your parents and you don’t know how to manage your relationship and make everyone happy.

 

Sorting through expectations, and evaluating better ways to approach confusing and challenging situations can help you and your partner and or spouse do a better job witho thoughtful and understanding communication.

 

If you feel like you’re caught in the middle, get in touch.

 

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Emotionally Reactive Relationship

Relationship Mistakes

Relationships

Common Relationship Mistakes

Affairs and Communication Problems
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Common Relationship Mistakes

There are several mistakes people make in their relationship. There are the big and obvious mistakes like betrayal and infidelity. This can range from emotional affairs, online cheating or physical and sexual infidelity.

These bigger relationship mistakes are much more challenging to heal and repair and many couples seek professional couples therapy to find to best ways to get through such a painful mistake.

Other relationship mistakes include name-calling, disrespect, inability to express and communicate  your anger, sadness and disappointment in healthy ways. Also neglecting your relationship by not making it a priority can cause serious disconnect and hurt.

Does this sounds familiar?

  • You turned to someone outside your relationship
  • You did not listen when your spouse or partner wanting to go to counsleing
  • You frequently criticized and disrepsectfed your spouse
  • You preferred spending time doing activities instead of with your partner
  • You do not know how to communicate, listen or understand one another
  • You had an affair or betrayed your partner with secrecy and lies

Have you made one or more relationship mstakes? Do you need professional marriage or couples therapy to see if you can turn things around? Get in touch.

 

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Don’t Wait to Get Counseling

Relationships

Don’t Wait To Get Counseling

Couples & Marriage Therapy NJ

Maplewood Counseling

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Don’t Wait to Get Marriage or Couples Counseling

Some Couples Wait Until it’s Too Late

This can apply to so many things in life, but when it comes to relationships, it’s important to know when you need help. If you are reluctant and feel like you can fix things on your own – it’s important to listen to your partner or spouse if he or she thinks you will benefit from professional help. Waiting too long can make it hard for you to stay together. 

Does this sound familiar?

  • You’ve asked ( or begged) your spouse to go to counseling with you and he or she won’t go.
  • You’re feeling stuck and don’t think you can get to a better place without help even though your partner doesn’t agree.
  • You’re getting increasingly unhappy and worried if something doesn’t change you’re going to end the relationship
  • Maybe you’re the one who thinks you can fix things yourselves even though your partner disagrees.

Many couples and marriage counselors see couples that wait a very long time before getting help. When one person is suggesting counseling, it’s important to listen to him or her. That person is most likely feeling unhappy and in pain. Some people are aware that making positive changes and breaking bad patterns won’t happen without help.

Relationship therapists also see many couples who waited too long. Sometimes it’s too late when your wife or husband is completely shut down. Hopefully you can listen to your spouse sooner and take the steps to get couples counseling if you are stuck in a bad place.

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Relationship Deal Breakers

Relationship Deal Breakers

Anxiety, Depression, Grief, Relationships

Understanding Relationship Deal Breakers

Helping Couples & Individuals Figure Things Out

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Understanding Relationship Deal Breakers

 

Relationship deal breakers, according to Terry Real, relationship expert and founder of RLT Relational Life Therapy, can make or break your relationship. It is important to understand these if you are going to be able to improve your marriage or relationship. As a result, you will want to know what gets in the way of creating a healthy and more connected relationship. More importantly, if certain issues are not addressed it may lead to divorce or a break-up. There is only so much one person can do on their own to fix things.

What are Deal Breakers for Couples?

Firstly, if one partner has an untreated mental health issue.  Possibly depression, anxiety, bipolar, OCD or another mental diagnosis can be causing that person to suffer. As a result, it can affect the relationship. Also, you or your spouse or partner may not know there is a diagnosis or may not want to ask about it. Maybe you think your wife or husband suffers and it affects the relationship, but he or she is not willing to get help. It is not an easy subject to broach since no-one wants to feel like the “identified problem”. However, untreated mental health issues can make it very difficult to effectively work on your marriage or relationship.

Secondly, if one partner acts out sexually or is aggressive physically. Couples therapy is contraindicated and should not be used when there is domestic violence. If your partner acts out physically, then he or she needs to get help through a domestic violence program to address acting out anger in physically aggressive ways. Domestic violence is a legal issue, not a relationship issue. You cannot resolve your issue if it is not safe enough for both people to express their honest feelings about issues. Also, if your spouse or partner acts out sexually with infidelity, prostitutes, massage parlors, or online cheating, this must stop if the relationship can heal.

Finally, if you don’t or never loved your partner or want out.  So, if you got married young, to please a parent, your spouse or because of a pregnancy, and you never loved your spouse, it may not be possible to create a loving connection. Terry Real says he would rather see one partner let go of the other so he or she can find someone that can love them.  Also, if one person wants out and they are 100% done, they may come to therapy to get help ending the relationship. Maybe they feel badly about the pain they are causing by wanting to separate and get divorced, but it is a relationship deal breaker if both people are not invested in the trying to make it work.

Things that will be a huge challenge for couples and can also break your relationship are :

  • Lack of communication:

Communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship. Without effective communication, misunderstandings can arise and lead to conflicts. It’s important for both partners to keep an open line of communication and be able to express their thoughts, feelings, and needs without fear or judgment.

  • Disrespect:

Respect is a fundamental aspect of any successful relationship. Without respect, the relationship can quickly deteriorate. This includes respecting each other’s boundaries, opinions, and feelings. If one partner constantly disrespects the other, it can create resentment and damage the trust in the relationship.

  • Infidelity:

Infidelity is a major breach of trust in a relationship. Whether it’s emotional or physical, cheating can cause irreparable damage to a relationship. It’s important for both partners to be faithful and committed to each other in order for the relationship to thrive.

  • Lack of trust:

Trust is a crucial component of any healthy relationship. Without trust, there will always be doubts and insecurities that can lead to conflicts and even breakups. Building and maintaining trust takes time and effort from both partners, but it is necessary for a strong and lasting relationship.

  • Control issues:

Being overly controlling or possessive can also harm a relationship. No one wants to feel like they are constantly being monitored or have their actions dictated by their partner. It’s important for both individuals in a relationship to have their own autonomy and trust in each other’s decision making.

  • Neglect:

Neglecting your partner’s needs, whether it be emotional or physical, can create a rift in the relationship. It’s important for both partners to prioritize each other and make time for one another. Neglect can lead to feelings of loneliness and resentment, ultimately driving a wedge between partners.

  • Lack of effort:

Relationships require effort from both parties. If one person is constantly putting in all the effort while the other becomes complacent, it can cause strain on the relationship. Both individuals should be willing to put in the work to keep the relationship strong and healthy.

  • Incompatibility:

Sometimes despite our best efforts, relationships just don’t work out due to incompatibilities. This can be in terms of values, goals, or personalities. It’s important for both individuals to recognize when a relationship is not working and be willing to accept it and move on, rather than trying to force something that isn’t meant to be.

  • Lack of compromise:

Compromise is necessary in any relationship as no two people will agree on everything all the time. Without compromise, conflicts may arise and create tension between partners. Both individuals should be open to finding a middle ground and understanding each other’s perspectives.

  • Poor conflict resolution:

Conflicts are inevitable in any relationship, but how they are resolved can make or break a relationship. If conflicts are not handled properly, they can escalate and cause more damage. It’s important for both partners to be able to communicate effectively, listen to each other, and find a resolution that works for both parties.

  • Financial problems:

Money can also be a source of strain in a relationship if not managed properly. Disagreements over finances, debt, and spending habits can cause conflicts. It’s important for couples to have open and honest discussions about money, set financial goals together, and find ways to manage their finances as a team.

It’s essential for couples to be aware of these potential issues in order to prevent them from breaking their relationship. Communication, respect, trust, effort, and compromise are key factors in maintaining a healthy and successful relationship. Both individuals should continuously work on these aspects and address any issues that arise in a timely and effective manner to keep their relationship strong and thriving.

Money can also be a source of strain in a relationship if not managed properly. Disagreements over finances, debt, and spending habits can cause conflicts. It’s important for couples to have open and honest discussions about money, set financial goals together, and find ways to manage their finances as a team.

It’s essential for couples to be aware of these potential issues in order to prevent them from breaking their relationship. Communication, respect, trust, effort, and compromise are key factors in maintaining a healthy and successful relationship. Both individuals should continuously work on these aspects and address any issues that arise in a timely and effective manner to keep their relationship strong and thriving.

Call us if you need help figuring out how to handle any of these relationship deal breakers.

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