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Why Does Infidelity Happen?

Why Does Infidelity Happen?

Anxiety, Depression, Grief, Relationships

INFIDELITY THERAPY NEAR ME NJ 

 

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Why Does Infidelity Happen?

 

Understanding and dealing with infidelity

Infidelity is common in today’s society, and yet, it’s a taboo that has existed for centuries. Relationships and marriages suffer when infidelity occurs. The deceived partner generally feels hurt and lost, or perhaps angry and betrayed. The partner having the affair might feel guilty and terrible about the harm and hurt feelings they’ve caused.

It’s a fact that many people have been exposed to affairs. Perhaps they experienced it as a child, seeing affairs occur in their parent’s marriage. Or, perhaps they found out about friends or relatives involved in affairs. Or, maybe they took part in an affair themselves. Then, there’s the flip side, being the one whose partner had an affair.

So…why do people cheat?

Esther Perel, a psychotherapist, who is a leading expert on relationship counseling, raises meaningful questions in her TED Talk video entitled “Rethinking Infidelity…a talk for anyone who has ever loved.”

The questions she raises dig deep into the reasons that affairs occur. Her talk also offers hope for those who want to restore their relationship after an affair. Of course, the reasons for an affair can vary from couple to couple. However, infidelity often shares common denominators.

Questions that help provide guidance during counseling

A question for both partners of a couple to answer:

Does the affair have to be the end of your relationship?

Questions for the partner who had the affair:

  • What made you want to have an affair? Was it for the sex? Or was it for the attention, the desire to feel special or important?
  • Did you experience a loss prior to having the affair—for example the loss of a parent, a friend, a career, or bad news from a doctor?
  • Were you happy with your partner but looking for a deeper emotional connection, for novelty, autonomy or sexual intensity?
  • Was your marriage already dying and the affair was simply the final straw?
  • Did the secretive relationship make you feel more alive? Were you attracted because it was a taboo, something you shouldn’t do?
  • Were you trying to find a different aspect of yourself, perhaps be a different or better version of yourself in a new relationship?
  • Are you sorry that having an affair hurt your partner?

For the partner deceived by the affair:

  • Did discovering the affair make you doubt yourself? Did you wonder who you were and if you had value?
  • Could you no longer trust your partner? Did you start distrusting other people in general?
  • Were you upset because you thought you had a happy relationship and didn’t understand why your partner would stray?
  • Do you wonder what your partner found through the affair that they believed they couldn’t experience with you?
  • Did you feel like you were no longer special—you weren’t “the one” anymore?
  • After discovering the affair, did you feel a loss of identity, like you didn’t know who you were?
  • Did you feel your partner lied to you, “you’re crazy, nothing is happening” and feel gaslighting was making you doubt yourself and your gut?
  • Even though you never had an affair, did you betray your partner in other ways? Through condemnation, criticism, neglect, indifference or perhaps even violence?

Find out how relationship counseling can help

With any difficulty that arises in life, it’s possible to emerge from it with a broader perspective and a deeper understanding. Finding ways to rediscover joy and meaning in life is vital for everyone.

Whether or not you stay together and recreate your relationship is a decision that you as a couple will make. Either way, exploring the issues underlying infidelity can offer an opportunity for you both to grow as individuals.

Contact us about relationship counseling and discover what answers are true for you.

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Caught in the Middle?

Relationships

Caught in the Middle?

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Are you caught in the middle?

Does this sound familiar to you?
  • Your spouse and your parents and/ or don’t get along
  • Your spouse wants you to choose him/her or your family
  • Your partner does not like your family and does not want to visit
  • You struggle with trying to make things manageable when there are family gatherings
  • You don’t feel you spouse or partner protects you or stands up for you
  • You don’t feel like a priority or your spouse complains of the same
  • You don’t agree with how your partner handle things with your children and feel “split”
  • You end up fighting a lot befor, during or after family gathertings

 

Whether you are caught in the middle with your family and spouse/partner or children, the end result is feeling awful. Feeling pulled and unable to bring the two sides together can cause anger, depression, sadness and frustration.

 

Maybe your parents feel they should be a priority and can be unreasonable. Maybe you’ve been conditioned to take care of your parents and you don’t know how to manage your relationship and make everyone happy.

 

Sorting through expectations, and evaluating better ways to approach confusing and challenging situations can help you and your partner and or spouse do a better job witho thoughtful and understanding communication.

 

If you feel like you’re caught in the middle, get in touch.

 

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Relationship Mistakes

Relationship Mistakes

Relationships

Common Relationship Mistakes

Affairs and Communication Problems
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Common Relationship Mistakes

There are several mistakes people make in their relationship. There are the big and obvious mistakes like betrayal and infidelity. This can range from emotional affairs, online cheating or physical and sexual infidelity.

These bigger relationship mistakes are much more challenging to heal and repair and many couples seek professional couples therapy to find to best ways to get through such a painful mistake.

Other relationship mistakes include name-calling, disrespect, inability to express and communicate  your anger, sadness and disappointment in healthy ways. Also neglecting your relationship by not making it a priority can cause serious disconnect and hurt.

Does this sounds familiar?

  • You turned to someone outside your relationship
  • You did not listen when your spouse or partner wanting to go to counsleing
  • You frequently criticized and disrepsectfed your spouse
  • You preferred spending time doing activities instead of with your partner
  • You do not know how to communicate, listen or understand one another
  • You had an affair or betrayed your partner with secrecy and lies

Have you made one or more relationship mstakes? Do you need professional marriage or couples therapy to see if you can turn things around? Get in touch.

 

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Don’t Wait to Get Counseling

Relationships

Don’t Wait To Get Counseling

Couples & Marriage Therapy NJ

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Don’t Wait to Get Marriage or Couples Counseling

Some Couples Wait Until it’s Too Late

This can apply to so many things in life, but when it comes to relationships, it’s important to know when you need help. If you are reluctant and feel like you can fix things on your own – it’s important to listen to your partner or spouse if he or she thinks you will benefit from professional help. Waiting too long can make it hard for you to stay together. 

Does this sound familiar?

  • You’ve asked ( or begged) your spouse to go to counseling with you and he or she won’t go.
  • You’re feeling stuck and don’t think you can get to a better place without help even though your partner doesn’t agree.
  • You’re getting increasingly unhappy and worried if something doesn’t change you’re going to end the relationship
  • Maybe you’re the one who thinks you can fix things yourselves even though your partner disagrees.

Many couples and marriage counselors see couples that wait a very long time before getting help. When one person is suggesting counseling, it’s important to listen to him or her. That person is most likely feeling unhappy and in pain. Some people are aware that making positive changes and breaking bad patterns won’t happen without help.

Relationship therapists also see many couples who waited too long. Sometimes it’s too late when your wife or husband is completely shut down. Hopefully you can listen to your spouse sooner and take the steps to get couples counseling if you are stuck in a bad place.

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Understanding Relationship Deal Breakers for All Couples

Understanding Relationship Deal Breakers for All Couples

Anxiety, Depression, Grief, Relationships

What Are Relationship Deal Breakers for All Couples

 

Identifying and Addressing Relationship Deal Breakers

by Debra Feinberg LCSW ( Reviewer)

What Are Relationship Deal Breakers for Couples?

Understanding Relationship Deal Breakers for All Couples

 

Every close relationship comes with its share of ups and downs. Navigating disagreements and difficult times is a shared human experience, no matter who you are or whom you love. Yet some challenges can go beyond ordinary conflict and become true deal breakers—issues that may signal a partnership is unable to move forward in a healthy way. Understanding what these look like is the first step toward building a stronger, more connected relationship.

If certain fundamental concerns are left unaddressed, they can create distance that feels impossible to bridge. Recognizing these signs is not about blame, but about gaining clarity on what might need to change to help everyone involved thrive.

Core Issues That Can End a Relationship

Some situations make it especially challenging for a relationship to heal or improve. These concerns often require support beyond couples or relationship therapy and may be considered deal breakers if not handled with care and respect for all individuals.

Untreated Mental Health Conditions

When someone in a relationship is living with an untreated mental health condition—such as depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, or OCD—it affects both their own wellbeing and the health of the partnership. You might notice a loved one is struggling, yet feel unsure how to bring it up. No one wants to be singled out or feel like “the problem.” But without professional support, it’s difficult to make meaningful progress as a couple. Encouraging each other to seek help in a caring, non-judgmental way is often a vital first step.

Aggressive or Unsafe Behaviors

A safe partnership is essential for honest communication and trust. When any form of physical aggression or domestic violence is present, couples therapy is not the solution. Safety must come first: this is a serious legal and personal matter, not just a relational challenge. A person engaging in unsafe behavior needs specialized help to address those actions. No relationship can grow in an environment where anyone feels endangered.

Similarly, repeated patterns of infidelity, chronic online cheating, or other sexual boundary violations undermine trust at the foundation of every relationship. Addressing these patterns is essential if healing is to take place.

When One Person Has Already Left Emotionally

Relationships sometimes reach a point where one partner, regardless of their gender or role, is completely done. For some, the original bond may not have included love or the relationship began for reasons such as external pressure or life circumstances. Others might find themselves emotionally checked out and participating in counseling to ease feelings of guilt about ending things. If both individuals are not invested in making the relationship work, it cannot be forced. Sometimes the most compassionate option is to allow each person space to find fulfillment, whether together or apart.

Common Challenges That Erode Connection

In addition to these core deal breakers, many ongoing issues can gradually wear down a relationship. Recognizing these patterns early gives everyone the best chance to address them and build a partnership that allows each person to flourish.

Communication and Conflict

  • Lack of Communication: When thoughts, feelings, and needs can’t be expressed openly, misunderstandings and resentment may take root.
  • Poor Conflict Resolution: Disagreements are normal, but how they’re handled matters. If conflicts go unresolved, frustration can grow. Learning to really listen and seek solutions that honor both people is key.
  • Disrespect: Every individual deserves to have their boundaries, opinions, and feelings respected. Constant criticism or contempt can sap the life out of any partnership.
  • Lack of Compromise: No two people will agree on everything. Healthy relationships thrive on a willingness to find common ground and show flexibility.

Trust and Effort

  • Lack of Trust: Trust is essential to emotional safety. When it’s missing, insecurity and uncertainty set in. Trust-building is an ongoing, mutual process.
  • Infidelity: Any breach of agreed-upon relationship boundaries, physical or emotional, is a challenge that calls for accountability and healing.
  • Lack of Effort: Relationships require shared commitment. If one person carries all the emotional labor while another disengages, it can cause deep exhaustion and imbalance.
  • Neglect: Feeling unseen or unimportant can create loneliness even within a relationship. Making time for each other matters.

Incompatibility and Control

  • Control Issues: No one should feel monitored or have their choices dictated by another. Healthy autonomy and mutual trust give everyone space to be themselves.
  • Financial Problems: Disagreements over finances are common. Open dialogue and collaborative planning help keep money from becoming a wedge between partners.
  • Incompatibility: Sometimes, despite everyone’s best intentions and effort, values, life goals, or personalities diverge. Accepting fundamental differences may be the healthiest choice for everyone involved.

 

If you recognize any of these challenges in your relationship, please know you are not alone. Many people face similar issues, and it’s never a sign of weakness to reach out for support. When you’re ready, our experienced therapists can offer a safe, affirming space to discuss your unique situation and explore practical steps forward.

Looking for Support?

If you are struggling with any of these relationship challenges, consider reaching out for guidance. We are here to listen, understand, and work with you—regardless of background, identity, or relationship structure.

Contact us today to start a conversation.

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Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

 

Can a relationship survive a deal breaker?

It depends on the deal breaker and the willingness of both partners to do the work. Issues like untreated mental health or past infidelity can be overcome if the person responsible takes accountability, seeks help, and commits to change. However, issues like a lack of love or ongoing disrespect are much harder to resolve.

What if my partner refuses to get help for their issues?

This is a very difficult position to be in. You cannot force someone to change. Your responsibility is to your own well-being. It may be helpful to seek individual counseling to figure out your own boundaries and decide what you are and are not willing to live with.

How do I know if it’s a rough patch or a real deal breaker?

A rough patch is usually temporary and situational (e.g., stress from a new job or a new baby). A deal breaker is a fundamental, ongoing issue that violates your core needs for safety, respect, or trust. If the same major problem keeps recurring without resolution, it may be a deal breaker.

Ready to Take the Next Step Toward a Healthier Relationship?

If you’re facing difficult crossroads or simply want to strengthen your partnership, our experienced therapists are here to help. Reach out for a confidential conversation or schedule a consultation with us today. Together, we can work toward a more fulfilling and connected future.

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Helpful Resources

 

Honesty in Your Marriage and Relationship

Anxiety, Depression, Relationships

Relationship Honesty

Helping Couples Build Trust

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Relationships and Honesty

Do you struggle with honesty in your relationship?  Are there things you don’t share with you spouse or partner?  Are you afraid to tell things with your spouse or partner something?

Being dishonest does not necessarily mean your are deliberately lying – in the case of someone directly asking if something is wrong or sensing something is wrong and directly asking. But lying to avoid getting caught in something potentially very damaging to your relationship – an affair, is a different type of dishonesty. Men and women are dishonest for different reasons sometimes.

Is this you?

  • You’re having an affair and are feeling stuck in a very bad situation
  • You’re texting other women or men and flirting and it’s hard to stop
  • You don’t tell your spouse or partner important things because you don’t want to hurt him or her
  • You don’t say how you really feel about sex and end up going through the motions and feeling unhappy
  • You don’t feel you can share what you want or need because you’re spouse won’t understand or care
  • You’re afraid your husband or wife will get angry if you say how you really feel about something

Lack of honesty will eventually lead to bigger problems, A couples can get very disconnected over time if they don’t share how unhappy they are about certain things and just accept it will never change. To deal with the disconnect, sometime one partner will find some relief in the attention from someone else. Disconnection and unhappiness at home can make many people very vulnerable to the smallest amount of attention from the outside.

It is important to be honest more now to reduce bigger problems down the road. If you need help to prevent bigger problems or if have already crossed over into infidelity or other bigger problems, get in touch.

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