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Pornography and Marriage

Relationships

Pornography and Marriage

The Impact on Relationships

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Pornography and Marriage | How Porn Affects Relationships

Recent advances in technology have made pornography remarkably available; the days of X-rated theaters, adult bookstores, and video cassette rentals are long gone. What does this mean for our relationships? Many people have come to terms with porn, concluding that it is just part of society and brushing it off as if it is not a big deal at all. Others, on the other hand, feel distraught about this addictive, self-esteem shattering “hobby.”

The truth, like most things in life, it is neither black nor white; pornography can have negative or positive effects on a relationship. Here are a few insights on why people turn to pornography and how you can use porn to improve your relationship instead of destroy it. You may want to think twice before hiding your secret stash to avoid being caught by your significant other. According to recent studies, people who are upfront with their partners about watching pornography have better, happier relationships. According to Dr. Fran Walfish, “Being honest about pornography use with a partner indicates that the person is comfortable with their own sexuality and the things that sexually titillate, stimulate, arouse, and turn on their excitation.”

In relationships, honesty and openness between partners is what brings them closer together and helps to yield a happier relationship. On the other hand, when one of the two members choose to hide their porn use and keep it secret, Walfish explains that this could be seen as “betrayal and raise mistrust, suspicions, and put a wedge of distance between the partners.” Disclosing your secret porn use to your significant other is certainly not easy.

Partners who want to come clean about their use of pornography may not know how to begin to approach it.

Here are a few questions that Dr. Walfish suggests asking yourself:

1. Why did you keep in secret in the first place?”

2. Is it because your partner is inhibited and might judge you for this type of behavior?

3. Do you feel shame about your pornography usage?

The responses to these questions will help to assess if it will be easy to talk to a partner or spouse about these issues. In addition, while not everyone is the same, men and women tend to hold different views about pornography. According to Psychology Today, “Men and women tend to disagree on two issues: How porn is watched (alone, in groups, with a sexual partner); and how often it is watched.”

If you are in a relationship where you and your partner do not agree about the use of pornography, the following questions can help you understand your partner’s point of view. The partner who is in favor of porn, ask yourself…

1. Does watching porn cause trauma in my partner?

2. How does watching porn influence my day-to-day emotions and how does it cause me to approach my relationship.

3. When does watching porn harm my relationship?

The partner who is against porn, ask yourself…

1. Why does my partner’s participation in watching porn trigger trauma in me?

2. Why do I experience trauma from porn while others may not?

3. How do my feelings about my partner watching porn affect my relationship?

It is very important that both partners understand how the other feels about the use of porn and arrive at a mutually acceptable conclusion. The alternative can create significant problems. Among other things, partners who object to their mate’s use of pornography often experience fear, anxiety, a feeling of not belonging, and feeling emotionally on edge. The other partner, who wants to view porn but feels compelled to stop, may experience feelings of depression, anxiety, and loneliness, which lead to unhappiness and dissatisfaction.

If your relationship is stuck in the middle of this quandary, what can you do?

1. Two is better than one Couples who participate in viewing porn together and who come to a mutual agreement of what is acceptable and what is not, have much more satisfaction in their relationship because of the high levels of communication and honesty. According to Walfish, “When both partners are equally open sexually and emotionally pornography can be an ‘exciting wonderful foreplay’. Often, watching can stimulate ideas, themes, and scenarios that can elicit spontaneity and adventure for the couple.”

2. Honesty is the best policy Many of the negative feelings experienced by those who do not agree with watching pornography stem from the idea that doing so is akin to infidelity. According to reseachers Marley N. Resch and Kevin G. Alderson, “Female partners may find pornography to be a source of competition in that they may not be satisfying their partners’ needs.” Opening up the lines of communication can help address these concerns. However, it is important to address these issues as early as possible. Later disclosures about previously hidden porn use can not only affect trust, but also affect one partner’s sense of who it is they are with.

3. Ask For Help All these questions and feelings can be extremely hard for couples to navigate on their own. More often than not, it takes a skilled professional to assist with these issues by doing a thorough background history with each partner to help them assess both themselves and each other, preliminary to bringing them to a happier, healthier place in their relationship.

If you’re in New Jersey, call Maplewood Counseling at 973-793-1000 to help you and your partner begin this journey.

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Online Cheating Threatens Relationships

Relationships

Online Cheating & Cyber Affairs

Dealing with Betrayal

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Online Cheating, Affairs and Cyber Infidelity


When a husband, wife or partner has an affair, the betrayal can be devatating. Online cheating can also cause a tremendous amount of pain in a relationship.  So seductive and easily accessible,  the Internet and mobile devices are an opportunity anytime, anywhere to fill a void and get attention you are not getting elsewhere.

Is this you?

  • you hide your phone because you are sending inappropriate texts at all hours
  • you suspect your spouse or partner is connecting with other men or women online or on their phone
  • you feel guilty about cyber cheating and need help ending something that could ruin your relationship
  • the attention is so seductive, tempting and it’s so easy to start something with a coworker or friend
  • you want to come clean and admit the cyber affair before it’s too late
  • it’s hard to stop because it makes you happy and feels very good
  • your spouse or partner keeps accusing you and feels insecure
  • you don’t think it’s all that serious and deny anything is going on
  • you clearly see how it is hurting your relationship and need help

If online cheating is hurting your relationships, get in touch.

Online Cheating

Betrayal & Trust Issues

Caught Your Spouse?

6 Main Reasons Married Couples Argue

Relationships

6 Main Reasons Couples Argue

Understanding Can Help

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Six Spousal Squabbles | Top 6 Topics Married Couples Argue Over

The Six Spousal Squabbles –a list of the top topics about which married couples argue—is based on Dr. John Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. As Gottman explains, “Even in very happy stable marriages, these issues are perennial.”  We know that all couples argue, but you need to take what you learn from these arguments and grow with your spouse. This is how you and your loved one will truly get to the best place in your marriage.

  1. Stress in the Workplace

After getting yelled at by your boss, you come home and yell at your husband or wife. Clearly, this is a recipe for disaster. While you or your spouse may suffer at a stressful job, you always want to try to make your marriage a peaceful oasis. After a long difficult day at work, give your spouse some time to collect her thoughts when she gets home, and do the same for yourself. This unwinding time is much needed to avoid bringing that dreaded work stress into your marriage.  Make sure that you both schedule some “me” time separately before coming together to discuss your days.

  1. Issues with In-Laws

This actually happened: Kim Smith-Jones was invited to her husband’s family reunion. Her mother-in-law had t-shirts made for the occasion. All of the Joneses were given blue t-shirts; Kim—and the spouses of her husband’s siblings—got yellow. Then, when it came time for the big family photo, Kim and the other spouses-in-law were left out. Not surprisingly, the ride home was not pleasant.

Friction between a spouse and in-laws can beone of the biggest issues in a marriage: If you or your spouse is a “mama’s boy” or “daddy’s girl,” a clear line has to be set and abided by. When you got married, you created a new family with your spouse, and that means that your priorities have to change. You begin your own family traditions. You need to make sure that both the in-laws and your own parents understand that they cannot and will not comebetween you and your partner.

  1. Money Problems

They say that opposites attract, but opposite attitudes towards money can create problems. Finances can certainly be a huge stressor for any couple, but if they do not look at financial issues in the same way—picture a big spender and a die-hard saver—disagreements will follow. I am a big believer of keeping your and your spouse’s money separate, but if you decide that you want or need to pool it together, you have to be ready to work as a team on all financial issues. You need to come up with guidelines regarding what spending, borrowing and investing is acceptable and what is nonnegotiable. If you have issues in this area, look into the possibility of a financial planner.

  1. Physical and Mental Sex

In the movie Annie Hall, the two lead characters, Alvy and Annie, are shown separately talking to their therapists. Both are asked how often they sleep together. Alvy responds, “Hardly ever. Maybe three times a week.” Annie says, “Constantly! I’d say three times a week!”

Sexuality in a marriage is just as much mental as it is physical. You need to be able to open up with your partner so that you both understand what the other is looking for. Sex should bring you closer not only in body, but in mind as well.  In a happy sex life, you and your partner should see sex as intimate, but not allow the needs or desires from either side be taken personally. After all, you want to both be happy and satisfied!

  1. Housework Responsibilities

Long gone are the Mad Men days where women stay at home and tackle the housework while the men are at the office. Nevertheless, the stereotypical expectations regarding cooking, cleaning, shopping and laundry can certainly put strain on your marriage. The solution is that you simply need to work as a team and fairly contribute to the chores.

While it would be an overstatement to conclude that men are always at fault regarding these issues, that is often the case; men who grew up with stay-at-home mothers may need to make a more conscious effort to avoid this problem. Maybe this will help:Studies show that “women find a man’s willingness to do housework extremely erotic.” Now, if that doesn’t get you washing dishes, I don’t know what will!

  1. Children

For nine months before a child is born, the responsibilities are almost all on the woman. Eat right, exercise, doctor appointments, and, in particular, labor. After that, however, that the responsibilities for caring for and raising the child and need to be split equally. Both spouses have to experience the transformation into parenthood and divide the duties so that one or the other do not end up overwhelmed and feeling underappreciated. Equally important are reaching agreement regarding how to raise your children and presenting a united front when issues arise. If you and your spouse have divergent views on nutrition, education, discipline, etc., you need to deal with them before you add an actual child to your lives.

Now that you know which of the Spousal Squabbles to beware of in your marriage, you can work on your own solutions. It’s important to remember that all couples can disagree and quarrel, and that is normal, but in order to grow and get to the best place in your marriage, you need to work together to reconcile your differences, preferably before they become arguments.

Link used as a reference for this info article: https://www.gottman.com/blog/6-arguments-all-married-couples-have/

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Understanding Identity: A Guide to Pansexuality & Gender Roles

Understanding Identity: A Guide to Pansexuality & Gender Roles

Gay Issues, Relationships

Understanding Identity: A Guide to Gender, Sexuality, and Authenticity

 

Authenticity Unveiled: Exploring Identity and Self-Expression

A Guide to Gender, Sexuality, and Authenticity

Have you ever felt like the boxes society asks you to check don’t quite fit who you are? Or perhaps your partner has shared something about their identity that you are trying to deeply understand?

Navigating the landscape of gender and sexuality can feel complex, especially if you grew up with the understanding that there were only two options: male or female. If you feel confused or unsure, take a deep breath. You are not alone, and your desire to learn is the first step toward building a more authentic life and stronger relationships.

This guide is here to help you unpack these concepts with compassion and clarity. We will move beyond the labels to explore what it truly means to be yourself.

Breaking Free from the Gender Binary

For generations, most of us were taught the “Gender Binary”—the idea that there are only two genders, male and female, and that they are rigid and distinct. From the color of the blanket in the hospital nursery to the “M” or “F” on our driver’s licenses, this binary is reinforced everywhere.

But human experience is rarely black and white. Just as nature is full of spectrums—like the gradient of a sunset or the changing seasons—human identity exists on a vast and beautiful spectrum.

Thinking outside the binary doesn’t mean rejecting who you are; it means expanding the possibilities of who you (or your partner) can be. It requires an open mind and a willingness to unlearn the idea that there is a “normal” way to be a person.

The Four Pillars of Identity

To understand the full spectrum of who we are, it helps to break identity down into four distinct parts. A helpful way to visualize this is to imagine that each of these categories operates on its own independent sliding scale.

It is a common misconception that these categories are linked—for example, that your biological sex dictates your gender identity, or that your gender expression predicts who you are attracted to. In reality, they are separate threads that weave together to form your unique tapestry.

1. Gender Identity: Who You Are Inside

The Spectrum: Woman ↔ Genderqueer/Non-Binary ↔ Man

Gender identity is your internal sense of self. It is who you know yourself to be when you close your eyes.

  • Cisgender: When your internal sense of self aligns with the sex you were assigned at birth (e.g., being born female and identifying as a woman).
  • Transgender: When your internal sense of self differs from the sex assigned at birth.
  • Genderqueer/Non-Binary: When you don’t feel like you fit exclusively into the “man” or “woman” category. You might feel like a mix of both, neither, or something else entirely.

Ask Yourself: Regardless of my body or how people see me, who do I feel like on the inside?

2. Gender Expression: How You Show Up

The Spectrum: Feminine ↔ Androgynous ↔ Masculine

Gender expression is how you present your gender to the world. This includes your clothing, hair, mannerisms, and even your name or pronouns.

  • Key Insight: Expression is often fluid. You might wear a suit one day (masculine expression) and a dress the next (feminine expression).
  • Androgyny: This sits in the middle of the spectrum, blending elements of masculinity and femininity.

Ask Yourself: How do I like to dress and act? Does my outer appearance match my inner truth?

3. Biological Sex: Your Anatomy

The Spectrum: Female ↔ Intersex ↔ Male

Biological sex refers to physical characteristics, including chromosomes, hormones, and reproductive organs. While we often think of this as strictly male or female, biology is surprisingly diverse.

  • Intersex: About 1 in 100 people are born with bodies that differ from standard male or female definitions. This is a natural biological variation, not a medical condition that needs “fixing.”

Ask Yourself: What defines my body biologically, and do I feel that my body dictates who I am as a person?

4. Sexual Orientation: Who You Love

The Spectrum: Heterosexual ↔ Bisexual/Pansexual ↔ Homosexual

Sexual orientation is about who you are drawn to physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

  • Heterosexual (Straight): Attracted to a different gender.
  • Homosexual (Gay/Lesbian): Attracted to the same gender.
  • Bisexual: Attracted to both men and women.
  • Pansexual: This term is becoming increasingly common and important. Being pansexual means your attraction is not limited by gender identity or biological sex. You are attracted to the person, regardless of where they fall on the spectrum.

Ask Yourself: Who captures my heart? Is my attraction based on gender, or is it about the individual soul?

Why This Matters for Your Relationship

You might be reading this because you are questioning your own identity, or perhaps your partner has come out to you as pansexual, gender fluid, or trans.

When these topics arise in a committed relationship, it can bring up fear. Does this change who we are? Does this change how you feel about me?

The answer is often that the person you love hasn’t changed; they are simply showing you more of who they have always been.

  • For the Partner: If your loved one is exploring their identity, the most powerful thing you can offer is curiosity rather than judgment. Ask, “What does this label mean to you?” rather than assuming a definition.
  • For the Individual: If you are exploring, remember that your partner may need time to adjust and learn the new language of your identity. Patience and open communication are your best tools.

Understanding Pansexual, Gender Roles, Gender Binarism, Gender Fluid

Breaking Binary

Thinking about gender in terms other than “male” and “female” does not come naturally to many of us. Our instinct, when we think of gender at all, is to default to the mainstream view of two—and only two–genders. Given our society and collective experience, this is not surprising. From the day we are born, it is printed on our birth certificate. It is reinforced by bathroom doors, and the M or F bubbles on our standardized tests in school. But it is much more than that. As you read this article, keep an open mind and forget what you have been conditioned to think as we break down the Gender Binary.

 

(note: a common term now is pansexual – a pansexual person is not limited in sexual choice with regard to gender, biological sex, or gender identity.)

Gender Identity: A Personal Conception of Oneself

 

Gender Identity refers to who you think you are in your mind. This spectrum ranges from “woman” on the left to “man” on the right, and anyone who falls in between is classified as “genderqueer.” Genderqueer refers to those do not fall under conventional  “male or “female” gender distinctions, but instead can relate to both (bigender), neither (agender), or any other combination (third-gender,etc.) that can fall in the middle of the spectrum.

Gender Identity comes 100% from your very own mind. If you want to figure out your gender identity, try asking yourself the following questions:

  1. Do you think you fit better in society in a male role, a female role, both, or neither?
  2. Do you find yourself falling in the middle of the continuum, or do you think you fall completely outside of the spectrum to the left or right?

Your answer to these questions indicate your gender identity.

Gender Expression: How You Show The World Who You Are

 

Gender Expression refers to the way we manifest gender. This spectrum ranges from “feminine” on the far left to “masculine” on the right, and anyone who falls in between is classified as “androgynous,” or a combination of partially male and female in appearance. Gender expression reflects how you show your gender through your appearance, actions, behavior, etc. and how others interpret your expression based on traditional gender roles.   Now,this can be a tricky concept, because you can actually find yourself shifting on the scale daily. You may wake up in a baggy shirt and shorts (masculine), but then shower and put on make-up and a dress (feminine). The reality,contrary to traditional belief, is that many of us fall somewhere in the androgynous section of the spectrum.

Biological Sex: Your Anatomy

Biological Sex refers to what your body possesses, both internally and externally, including your organs, hormones, and even chromosomes. This spectrum ranges from “female” on the far left to “male” on the right, and anyone who falls between is considered “intersex,” defined as someone who has sexual organs, hormones, or chromosomes of both. When it comes to biology, there is a pretty clearly defined line of what is male and what is female.

Other than surgical alterations, some people can be born intersex. For example, a person can be born with male external sexual organs, but internally have a functioning female reproductive system. The Intersex Society of North America reports that 1 in 100 people are born with bodies that differ from the standard male or female.

 

Sexual Orientation: Your Sexual Identity in Relation To Whom You Are Attracted

 

Sexual Orientation refers to who you are attracted to on emotional, physical, and spiritual levels. This spectrum ranges from “heterosexual” on the far left to “homosexual” on the far right, and anyone who falls between is classified as “bisexual,” or attracted to individuals who are either male or female. If you are a man ONLY attracted to women or a women ONLY attracted to men, you are heterosexual and fall on the far left. If you are a man who is attracted to men (gay), or a woman who is attracted to women (lesbian), you are homosexual and fall to the far right. If you are attracted to both men and women, no matter your own gender, you are considered bisexual and fall somewhere in the middle.

Instead of approaching this with the question “Do you like women or men?” try to think deeply about your fantasies, dreams, thoughts, emotional connections to others, and sexual contact. Now choose a number from the chart below:

“0 – Exclusively Heterosexual

1 – Predominantly heterosexual, incidentally homosexual

2 – Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual

3 – Equally heterosexual and homosexual

4 – Predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual

5 – Predominantly homosexual, incidentally heterosexual

6 – Exclusively Homosexual”

Based on this method, Dr. Alfred Kinsey brought to light that most people who think they are “straight” (heterosexual) actually fall between 1-3, while most people who think they are lesbian/gay (homosexual) fall between 3-5… Where do you fall?

Stitching It Back Up

 Now that we have dissected each individual category, I want to return to what I said in the beginning. Although there may be certain overlaps, these four sections are NOT intrinsically interconnected. Your Gender Identity does not determine your Biological Sex, your Sexual Orientation does not determine your Gender Expression, your Biological Sex does not determine Sexual Orientation… no matter what category you compare with another, they do not determine each other- but they certainly can relate.

I will leave you with this last example and statement. If a person is born with a female Biological Sex, and is raised as a female, and identifies as a female, and expresses herself as a female, this person is classified as “cisgender,” meaning that the person’s self-identity conforms with the gender that corresponds with their biological sex. But, on the other hand, there are so many people for whom this is not the case, and I hope that reading this helped you to understand yourself, or your friend,  or your loved one, or your classmate, or your parent, or your child, or anyone who may zig-zag through these spectra, because no matter how you put it together, while we all may be different, none of us are wrong.

 

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Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

Q: What is the difference between Bisexual and Pansexual?
A: While they overlap, bisexuality generally refers to attraction to more than one gender (often male and female), whereas pansexuality explicitly emphasizes that gender is not a determining factor in attraction at all. Some describe it as being “gender-blind” in their romantic interest.

Q: Can my gender expression change from day to day?
A: Absolutely. This is often referred to as being Gender Fluid. Some people feel more masculine on some days and more feminine on others. Your expression is your playground—there are no rules you have to follow.

Q: If I am in a straight relationship, can I still be Pansexual?
A: Yes. Your relationship status (who you are dating right now) does not erase your sexual orientation (who you have the potential to be attracted to). You can be pansexual and happily married to a partner of a different gender.

Q: Is it normal to be confused by all these terms?
A: It is completely normal. Language evolves, and we are all learning together. What matters most is your intention to be respectful and inclusive.

Embracing Your Authentic Self

Whether you zig-zag through these spectrums or sit firmly at one end, remember this: None of us are wrong.

Your identity is valid. Your feelings are real.

Navigating these questions can be liberating, but it can also be heavy if you are doing it alone. If you or your partner are struggling to communicate about gender roles, identity, or intimacy, we are here to support you.

Our therapy sessions provide a safe, inclusive, and judgment-free space where you can explore these questions openly. Let’s work together to build a relationship—and a life—that honors every part of who you are.

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Helpful Resources for LGBTQ+ Parents

Navigating parenthood as a queer couple can bring unique questions and possibilities. We’ve gathered some helpful resources to support and empower you at every step:

  • LGBTQ+ Counseling for Couples, Individuals, Families
    Strengthen your relationship and build a resilient partnership as you parent together. Our therapists are experienced in helping LGBTQ+ couples foster communication and emotional connection.
  • LGBTQ+ Affirming Couples Therapy in NJ
    Learn how our practice creates a supportive space for LGBTQ+ couples, offering guidance on communication, acceptance, and relationship satisfaction.
    Receive guidance tailored to your family’s needs, from navigating major transitions to addressing questions about identity, discipline, and connection.
  • LGBTQ+ Affirming Services
    Access a safe, affirming space to discuss identity, relationships, and life’s complexities with therapists who understand LGBTQ+ experiences.

These resources are here to support your journey, offering a place to connect, reflect, and grow as a family.

Understanding Shame | How It Impacts Your Life

Anxiety, Depression, Grief, Relationships

Shame Can Be Debilitating

Healing Shameful Feelings
Get in Touch
This video explains how shame is lethal and what you need to do to reduce shame.

According to Brene Brown,shame is defined as the intensely painful feeling that we are unworthy of love and belonging. She says we all have it and it is one of the most human primitive emotions. She also says the less we talk about it, the more we have it

Shame needs these 3 things to grow exponentially:

1) Secrecy
2) Silence
3) Judgement

To get rid of shame – EMPATHY. Shame cannot survive empathy. So talk to yourself like you would talk to someone you love about something that triggers your shame or reach out to someone you trust and tell your story. Empathy is the way to reduce and get rid of same.

DR. BRENE BROWN: “SHAME IS LETHAL”

Couples Therapy

Maplewood Counseling provides relationship counseling for couples who are struggling with communication problems, an affair, a crisis or other issues. Marriage counseling and couples therapy is provided to help for all types couples with relationship issues.

Anxiety, Depression, Grief

Get help for depression, anxiety, grief, or low self esteem. Therapy can help if you are going through a difficult time such as coping with a divorce or break-up. A good therapist can help you improve the way you feel and work on making positive changes in your life.

Coping With a Life Crisis

Do you need help getting through a painful time in your life? Are you dealing with an affair or infidelity? Trying to survive a lonely, painful time? Is your child struggling? Are you or a loved one coping with a crisis, serious health issues, or helping aging parents?

Call 973-902-8700 Maplewoood Counseling

Dealing with An Online or Emotional Affair?

Relationships

Need Help with
An Emotional Affair

Online Cheating
With Social Media?

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Having an emotional or online affair?

Have you been sensing distance in your relationship? Do you feel like your spouse or partner has been acting unusually cold and distant? Do you suspect they might be having an emotional or online affair? Maybe more?

Men and women can usually tell when something’s not right. It can cause tremendous amount of insecurity and suspicion. Some people resort to checking emails, texts and cell phone records and even purchasing programs that try and help them make sense of what’s going on. Confronting your spouse or partner with your suspicions can be met with “you’re crazy” or “that’s ridiculous”, which can make you feel crazy and really doubt yourself. It can cause frequent fights and arguments that never get resolved.

Are you having an emotional or online affair?

If you’re having an emotional affair and you don’t know what to do, you’re going to need help if you want to save your relationship or marriage. It’s not easy to let go. Most likely the emotional or online affair happened gradually and innocently. It felt good to get some attention, to be noticed. But then things developed and got out of control and now the connection is difficult to let go of, but you don’t want to lose your marriage or relationship because if it.

There are many couples that come in trying to cope with an emotional affair or online affair. Emotional affairs can certainly trigger intense emotions and feelings of rage, anger, sadness and betrayal as a full-blown sexual affair. Your spouse or partner loses trust in you and you certainly can feel pretty lousy about yourself as well.

Letting go of an emotional or online affair and reconnecting and your marriage or relationship.

It’s going to take patience. It’s going to take understanding. It’s going to take to working through the pain and finding out how to repair things and rebuild trust.

If you need help dealing with an emotional affair or online affair, let us know. We are located in Northern New Jersey in Essex County and we also offer online therapy if you are located anywhere in NJ.

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