Sometimes couples are having so many marriage problems they not only dislike one other, they sometimes hate each other. When you cannot feel understood, alone, abused or neglected, your marriage or relationship can start going to a very negative place.
At first in any new relationship, it seems so wonderful. So easy to fall in love, communicate and to get that connection. As time goes on, the way people get triggered by the other person increases. With those triggers comes more arguments, fights and conflict. In some cases, the result is a certain dynamic between the two of you that involves eater pursuing and pushing in an attempt to get what you need or withdrawing, shutting down, putting up a wall to protect yourself from feeling attacked.
Marriage Problems | What to do
Sometimes couples come in and one partner feels like their wife or husband actually “hates me”. I feel like I can’t do anything right and my spouse constantly criticizes me. She/he is always angry over the smallest things. When you are stuck in such a negative place/pattern, you will most likely need help getting out of it – otherwise the relationship is not going to make it. There’s just no way you can both exist feeling so much pain, which is at the heart of the problems anyway.
It’s good to become aware of what’s actually going on. To reflect in a different way on current issues and how issues from the past may be getting triggered. Many couples relive painful childhood experiences triggered by the other person. It’s good to be able to understand this in a different way – maybe you hate feeling the level of pain and that your partner triggers, but understanding what’s going on and what you both need is critical to developing a better connection.
Struggling with marriage problems? Do you need a marital therapist or relationship counselor to help you work on breaking your negative cycle to help you get to a better place?
If you’d like to sit down and discuss and a counseling session, feel free to get in touch and let us know how we can help.
Relationship in trouble? When is it time for relationship therapy?
Many couples consider therapy early on when they start having issues with communication and other difficult issues. Others wait a long time hoping things will get better trying to fix things themselves. It is only when one person has just about given up hope do they call a therapist for help. All relationships take work – even loving, healthy ones. Getting outside help from a professional is a big step for some couples, but when you’ve tried to fix things on your own and it hasn’t helped, it is time to consider marriage or couple therapy before you call it quits.
When therapy can help. Here are a few indicators….
1. Frequent finger pointing – problems are always your fault and your spouse does not understand his or her part
No matter what is done, somehow you cannot seem to get through to your spouse or partner. It may be hard to listen an understand one another without feeling defensive and blaming.
2. Communication styles vary and make it difficult yo resolve issues
The relationship seems to be out of whack when it comes to one person’s ability to express anger and the other just shutting down or putting up a wall. It’s hard to express yourself in a way that your spouse can take it in.
3. One of you is working harder at the relationship than the other
You are always the one that is trying and putting all the effort into the relationship. Not only do you feel drained and exhausted, but you feel very underappreciated. For all the effort you put in, you feel you deserve something in return, yet it never comes.
4. Afraid to express yourself if it causes your spouse or partner to get angry
Even though there may be issues, you prefer not to argue or fight because you are so worried about your partner reacting instead of responding. A good therapist can help many couples get better at listening and responding rather than reacting and make it safer to express yourself.
5. Trust and betrayal Do you feeling insecure in your relationship? Does it feel like your spouse or partner is hiding something? Did you find out about an affair? When a couple struggles with trust for any reason it is important to find ways to create more trust and a security for relationship to improve.
If you struggle with one or more of these issues, therapy can help. Many couples can improve their relationship if they are open to working with an experienced couples therapist.
Six Spousal Squabbles | Top 6 Topics Married Couples Argue Over
The Six Spousal Squabbles –a list of the top topics about which married couples argue—is based on Dr. John Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. As Gottman explains, “Even in very happy stable marriages, these issues are perennial.” We know that all couples argue, but you need to take what you learn from these arguments and grow with your spouse. This is how you and your loved one will truly get to the best place in your marriage.
Stress in the Workplace
After getting yelled at by your boss, you come home and yell at your husband or wife. Clearly, this is a recipe for disaster. While you or your spouse may suffer at a stressful job, you always want to try to make your marriage a peaceful oasis. After a long difficult day at work, give your spouse some time to collect her thoughts when she gets home, and do the same for yourself. This unwinding time is much needed to avoid bringing that dreaded work stress into your marriage. Make sure that you both schedule some “me” time separately before coming together to discuss your days.
Issues with In-Laws
This actually happened: Kim Smith-Jones was invited to her husband’s family reunion. Her mother-in-law had t-shirts made for the occasion. All of the Joneses were given blue t-shirts; Kim—and the spouses of her husband’s siblings—got yellow. Then, when it came time for the big family photo, Kim and the other spouses-in-law were left out. Not surprisingly, the ride home was not pleasant.
Friction between a spouse and in-laws can beone of the biggest issues in a marriage: If you or your spouse is a “mama’s boy” or “daddy’s girl,” a clear line has to be set and abided by. When you got married, you created a new family with your spouse, and that means that your priorities have to change. You begin your own family traditions. You need to make sure that both the in-laws and your own parents understand that they cannot and will not comebetween you and your partner.
Money Problems
They say that opposites attract, but opposite attitudes towards money can create problems. Finances can certainly be a huge stressor for any couple, but if they do not look at financial issues in the same way—picture a big spender and a die-hard saver—disagreements will follow. I am a big believer of keeping your and your spouse’s money separate, but if you decide that you want or need to pool it together, you have to be ready to work as a team on all financial issues. You need to come up with guidelines regarding what spending, borrowing and investing is acceptable and what is nonnegotiable. If you have issues in this area, look into the possibility of a financial planner.
Physical and Mental Sex
In the movie Annie Hall, the two lead characters, Alvy and Annie, are shown separately talking to their therapists. Both are asked how often they sleep together. Alvy responds, “Hardly ever. Maybe three times a week.” Annie says, “Constantly! I’d say three times a week!”
Sexuality in a marriage is just as much mental as it is physical. You need to be able to open up with your partner so that you both understand what the other is looking for. Sex should bring you closer not only in body, but in mind as well. In a happy sex life, you and your partner should see sex as intimate, but not allow the needs or desires from either side be taken personally. After all, you want to both be happy and satisfied!
Housework Responsibilities
Long gone are the Mad Men days where women stay at home and tackle the housework while the men are at the office. Nevertheless, the stereotypical expectations regarding cooking, cleaning, shopping and laundry can certainly put strain on your marriage. The solution is that you simply need to work as a team and fairly contribute to the chores.
While it would be an overstatement to conclude that men are always at fault regarding these issues, that is often the case; men who grew up with stay-at-home mothers may need to make a more conscious effort to avoid this problem. Maybe this will help:Studies show that “women find a man’s willingness to do housework extremely erotic.” Now, if that doesn’t get you washing dishes, I don’t know what will!
Children
For nine months before a child is born, the responsibilities are almost all on the woman. Eat right, exercise, doctor appointments, and, in particular, labor. After that, however, that the responsibilities for caring for and raising the child and need to be split equally. Both spouses have to experience the transformation into parenthood and divide the duties so that one or the other do not end up overwhelmed and feeling underappreciated. Equally important are reaching agreement regarding how to raise your children and presenting a united front when issues arise. If you and your spouse have divergent views on nutrition, education, discipline, etc., you need to deal with them before you add an actual child to your lives.
Now that you know which of the Spousal Squabbles to beware of in your marriage, you can work on your own solutions. It’s important to remember that all couples can disagree and quarrel, and that is normal, but in order to grow and get to the best place in your marriage, you need to work together to reconcile your differences, preferably before they become arguments.
Link used as a reference for this info article: https://www.gottman.com/blog/6-arguments-all-married-couples-have/
Are you and your spouse or partner struggling in your relationship? Have you tried unsuccessfully to fix things on your own? Are there certain recurring problems that never seem to get resolved?
Is this you?
You or your spouse had an affair and you cannot seem to repair the damage the cheating cause to your relationship
You and your spouse or partner have an ongoing pattern of not responding to one another emotionally
Anger and disappointment is getting in the way of you and your your spouse or partner feel like you matter to one another
You feeling alone most of the time and it feels like like your spouse is not there for you in very important ways
You feel like you can’t count on your partner or spouse to be there when you really need him or her
If you’ve been struggling for a long time in your marriage or relationship, things can go to a very painful and lonely place for both people. Walls go up and fights get more escalated. Or both or one of you ends up withdrawing because you don’t know what else to do. You are feeling stuck.
When it comes to the most successful and loving relationships, partners respond to one another emotionally. Some people know how to respond emotionally, but don’t want to because of angry or hurt feelings. Others need help understanding how to and why it is important to respond to your spouse or partner.
Get Help with Marriage Problems
Need marital or family therapy in Essex County, NJ? Call Maplewood Counseling at 973-793-1000 or email for help with marriage problems now and let us know how we can help you.
Aer you struggling with intense anger and resentment? Is this you?
You’re angry at your spouse for hurting you and you just don’t know how to let it go
You resent a family member because they’ve done or do things that really upset you
You have so many angry feelings, you can feel how it negatively affects your health
You can tell how bad hanging on to these emotions hurts you, but you don’t know what to do
We all experience difficult times in our lives that can bring up very harmful and negative emotions. Sometimes there are so many triggers that cause certain reactions and it is very difficult to control your response. Someone it feels like focusing your anger and resentment is helping you – like some kind of outlet or release. You think the anger is warranted because the other person has done something “wrong” or to annoy or bother you. And in some cases, the other person should know they are hurting you or know what they are doing is causing you pain, but they actually may not.
Where we all see it most often is with a break up or divorce. The intensity of angry, bitter and hostile emotions causes people to do a great deal of harm to others and themselves. Hanging on to the anger and resentment is hurting everyone. Most people want to hurt their exes because they feel betrayed, abandoned, sad, disappointed and/or shocked. But what most people don’t realize is how that negativity really hurts their own physical and mental well-being.
I’ve seen (and maybe you have as well) many people who have gone through a painful divorce and have fought bitterly ever step of the way to get back at an ex. Hanging on to the negative feelings for years and years.
I have also seen many of these exes come to peace over the years and let go of the anger and resentment. They have come to an understanding, and their siutations in more accepting ways, leading to more compassion and less anger and resentment.
Do you need help understanding how to let go of your anger and resentment? See how acceptance and forgiveness can really benefit your life and the lives of those around you.
