Listen to this adorable little girl talk to her mom about getting along with her dad after divorce. Kids are very affected by fighting and bitter exes that sometimes fight in front of them. It hurts everyone – especially children. This is just such an amazing little girl trying to advise her mom. Heart warming.
We all have a tendency to blame others for our problems in one way or another. Or, we blame ourselves.
Spiritual leader Pema Chodren discusses how we all have a tendency to blame others for our problems – or ourselves for our pain or suffering. We all get triggered by have certain things – without our awareness. You know how it is when you or someone you know goes from 0 to 60 when certain things happen. It’s auto pilot and you don’t even know what happened or what was triggered, but you’re sure they other person has done something to cause you to feel the way you do. It’s their fault you feel the way you do. It really, really feels like they did something to you to completely justify your response. They did it to you and it’s their fault you are in pain or suffering.
Some of us have a tendency to blame ourselves when certain things go wrong. When your child disappoints you in one way or another, “I’m not a good mother” or when your relationship is really struggling or you’re going through a divorce – “I’m worthless, inadequate, a failure”.
When it comes to blaming ourselves or others, she talks about the importance of understanding and recognizing the difference between the trigger and the source of whatever unpleasant emotion was triggered. She describes the source for all of us – seeds in our unconscious based on conditioning. She has them, I have them, we all have them.
Even though it somehow feels that blaming others for your problems will help you in some way, it actually makes things worse. The more your “strengthen” the habit, the tendency to blame when you’ve been triggered, the more you will do it and the worse you will feel.
You can work on changing the way you blame others or yourself. It can slowly happen over time in a way that helps relieve your suffering, rather than make things worse for you and others around you.
Understanding your triggers will help you do a better job of managing how you feel and not blame others.
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Understanding How to Help a Jealous Spouse
Does your partner have good reasons to be jealous?
In these situations, a jealous spouse makes sense. Maybe things in your relationship have not been going well and you have found these other ways to cope with the problems. Ways that will understandably cause jealousy and problems. Maybe you have not been feeling connected to your wife or husband and want your space or distance. Maybe you argue or fight a lot and feel unhappy at home. It certainly isn’t easy for many families to manage work, kids and all the stressors of day to day life. Many timesrelationships suffer. But things will only get worse if you don’t work on improving your relationship and helping your spouse feel more secure. It will help if you find ways to reconnect in more positive ways and most couples You may need counseling make that happen.
Sometimes a jealous spouse is not easy to understand. You have never had an affair. You are faithful and do not flirt. You have no interest in anyone but your spouse. However, he or she still struggles with a great deal of insecurity. There are things you can do to help.
Instead of getting angry or defensive, try to respond in different ways. “I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way”, “the last thing I want you to feel is jealous”? “what can I do to help you feel more secure”? “what can I do to let you know you matter to me?” “what can I do so you feel how important you are to me?”
If you want to help your jealous spouse, it is important to understand and examine the things you’re doing that obviously make matters worse. Consider getting help to understand what’s missing and what you’re doing or not doing that can cause jealousy and trust issues. Creating a better connection in your relationship will help you give up the attention you’re seeking elsewhere.
If you haven’t been able to improve things on your own, it’s worth trying marriage counseling with an experienced marital therapist. We look forward to helping you both get to a better place.
Are you looking for family therapy in NJ? Family therapy helps family members going through a stressful time in the family. They can work on resolving conflict and improving communication and work together on issues that affect the entire family. It is short term therapy that focuses on the entire “system” to help with certain issues and problems.
Does this sound familiar?
Even when one family member is in their own treatment for an issue, it can be helpful for the family to work on a family situation that causes stress, anger, grief or conflict to help bring you closer during difficult times.
Dr. Hannah Fry is a mathematician and complexity scientist from University College London’s Centre for Advanced Spatial Analysis. Her work revolves around exploring the patterns in human behavior and applying a mathematical perspective to tackle a wide range of problems across our society – read more
