Help for Your Relationship | Marriage Counseling NJ
Do you feel alone and unhappy in your relationship? Are you getting caught up in negative cycles and patterns? Need help getting to a better place?
It’s very painful to feel alone in a relationship. It can actually feel worse than being alone.
Is your partner there for you? Do you matter to him or her? If you have a few minutes, watch these videos to help you understand what you need to do to improve your relationship.
Videos to help you and your spouse or partner
What is a healthy marriage?
How can I tell if my relationship will last?
How can I tell if my marriage is in trouble?
Do opposites attract? (And should they?)
What is a Healthy Marriage?
How can I tell if my marriage is in trouble?
Relationship expert Sue Johnson identifies warning signs in a marriage and what you can do to prevent issues from destroying your relationship.
How can I tell if my relationship will last?
Sue Johnson reveals how to tell if your relationship will stand the test of time.
Do opposites attract? (And should they?)
We hope you find these videos helpful.
Finding a marriage counselor in New Jersey
Does this sound familiar?
you feel alone, like you don’t matter.
you distance and isolate when things get bad.
you attack or feel attacked, criticized and misunderstood.
you want your spouse to listen and understand what you need.
you think it’s hopeless and wonder about ending your marriage.
you rarely have sex (sexual desire problems or not often enough) or show any other type of affection or closeness.
you feel neglected and/or feel your spouse puts the children first.
you are coping with trust issues or the betrayal of an affair.
Dr. Sue Johnson founded the INTERNATIONAL CENTRE FOR EXCELLENCE IN EMOTIONALLY FOCUSED THERAPY (ICEEFT) in 1998.
“ICEEFT serves as a centre of excellence for the promotion of secure, resilient and successful relationships between partners and within families. Our mission includes the further expansion and refinement of the Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) model through process and outcome research. Another central aspect of our mission is to educate health professionals and to increase public awareness about the efficacy of EFT and its role in strengthening relationship bonds.” Source: Emotionally Focused Therapy
Why Unrealistic Expectations Can Hurt Relationships
Reviewed by Debra Feinberg LCSW
At Maplewood Counseling, we provide inclusive care for people of all races, cultures, and backgrounds, including interfaith, interracial, BIPOC, LGBTQIA+, and blended families. Our therapists bring lived experiences and specialized training to create a safe, affirming space for all.
Most people enter a relationship with real hope and excitement. You picture warmth, laughter, and a deep, lasting connection with your partner. These dreams are natural and can help you grow closer. But sometimes, those dreams quietly turn into unrealistic expectations—standards that are too hard for anyone to reach. When reality doesn’t match these ideas, it can lead to disappointment, conflict, and resentment that slowly wears away at your relationship.
You’re not alone if you’ve ever thought your partner should just know what you need, or that things should always feel easy and fun. Many people—no matter who they are—struggle with hidden hopes or silent rules about how their relationship “should” be. The trouble is, when these expectations aren’t shared or are impossible to meet, both partners can end up frustrated or hurt.
In this post, let’s look at where these expectations come from, why they can cause trouble, and how you can build a healthier relationship based on understanding and acceptance.
Where Do Unrealistic Expectations Come From?
These high expectations don’t just appear out of nowhere. Often, they form from things we’ve seen, heard, or lived through.
Messages from the World Around Us
Fairy tales and movies love to show “perfect” relationships—never-ending romance, big gestures, and partners who never argue. It’s easy to believe real life should look the same, but real connections take effort, patience, and honesty. When your own partnership feels ordinary or includes disagreements, you might feel let down, even though that’s perfectly normal.
Your Own History
The way we grew up, former relationships, and even the way friends and families talk about love can shape our expectations. Maybe you saw certain patterns, or maybe you’re hoping to avoid past hurts. All of this adds up and can set standards that don’t always fit your relationship today.
The Mind-Reading Trap
One common example is hoping your partner will always know what you mean or need—without you saying it. This is hard on both people. No one knows everything about how someone else is feeling unless they say it out loud. Expecting your partner to read your mind sets everyone up for frustration and disappointment. Real closeness comes from sharing our feelings, not guessing them.
How High Expectations Affect Your Relationship
When you hold onto ideas that are tough or impossible to meet, the effects can be painful and long-lasting for both partners.
How Resentment Starts
Resentment can creep in when things feel unfair or if you feel ignored, unappreciated, or misunderstood. For example, maybe you expect your partner to always remember important dates or know how to comfort you every time you’re upset. If those needs aren’t met, the feeling of being let down builds up, and you might start to pull away or become upset over time.
The Pattern of Disappointment
If you expect too much, your partner may often feel like they can’t do enough. You may find yourself pointing out what isn’t working, hoping things will change. This can make your partner feel unworthy or always in the wrong, which can lead to more distance, arguments, or hurt.
A Loss of Connection
When partners feel judged or worry they’re not measuring up, it becomes hard to be open with each other. You might stop sharing, holding your real self back out of fear. Even physical affection can fade when you’re both feeling on edge. What started as excitement and closeness can turn into loneliness, even when you’re together.
How to Recognize and Change Unrealistic Expectations
Letting go of impossible standards is a caring step for yourself and your partner. It allows your relationship to be more real and satisfying.
1. Take a Step Back and Reflect
Spend a moment thinking about what you expect from your partner and why. Try asking yourself:
Where does this idea come from?
Is it something you’ve talked about together?
Is this fair or possible for anyone?
How does it feel when these expectations aren’t met—for you and for your partner?
Writing down your thoughts or talking with someone you trust can help you spot patterns and decide if you want to hold onto these ideas.
2. Use Clear, Kind Communication
Instead of blaming or assuming, share your feelings in a calm and direct way. For example:
Try: “I feel stressed when the house is messy and would love to team up to tidy up together.”
Instead of: “You never help out around here.”
Speaking this way makes it easier for both partners to listen and work toward solutions together.
3. Embrace “Good Enough”
No relationship is perfect. It’s okay—and normal—to have arguments, dull moments, or tough times. Learning to see the strengths in your relationship, even when things aren’t movie-perfect, makes you both happier in the long run. Celebrate the small moments—a shared smile or a quiet hug. Those count just as much.
4. Practice Empathy and Curiosity
Remember, everyone comes with their own history and struggles. If your partner misses the mark, try to understand instead of judge. Ask gentle questions, like, “I felt hurt that this was forgotten—can we talk about what happened?” This starts a real conversation, not a fight, and helps you both feel heard.
Moving Toward a Healthier, More Supportive Partnership
Letting go of unrealistic expectations isn’t about accepting less respect or love; it’s about making room for your real relationship to thrive. It means replacing silent rules with open, honest talks about what you both need and want.
If you’re finding it hard to shake feelings of frustration or distance, you don’t have to figure it out alone. Couples counseling is a safe, non-judgmental space where you both can explore these challenges and learn new ways to connect. A caring therapist can help you spot old habits, talk more openly, and support each other with understanding.
You deserve a relationship based on real support, trust, and acceptance. If you’re ready to leave behind impossible standards and build something strong and loving together, we’re here to help. Reach out to Maplewood Counseling to find out how you can start your journey to a healthier partnership.
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