Are you dealing with a spouse or partner that’s having an affair with a coworker? Are you the one that’s involved and need help figuring out how to cope with the emotional fallout at home or work? Maybe you never thought you would be caught up in a situation like this and now you are dealing with fear, anger, pain and other difficult emotions.
Does this sound familiar?
It started out as an innocent friendship and developed into much more
You are hiding in appropriate texts and other correspondence from a coworker because you know it’s wrong
You’ve been lying to your spouse or partner about the emotional or sexual affair
You just found out about the affair your partner is having with a male or female coworker and are devastated
There are many reasons an affair starts at work. Maybe you’re enjoying the attention from a coworker and that attention becomes hard to resist in spite of your best judgment. Or possibly some men and women do not have clear boundaries when it comes to inappropriate conversations, which can lead to problems down the road. Others may be more vulnerable to an affair if they are not feeling connected or happy at home. Many couple don’t seek professional help because they don’t think of it, don’t think it will help or one person is not willing to go.
There’s no doubt that affairs are very painful and damage trust in your relationship. Ending the affair with a coworker can be challenging on many fronts, but puts your marriage at great risk if you don’t.
Affair with a Coworker | What makes it difficult to Cope?
Firstly, you still have to see the person on a daily basis if you may not have the option to leave.
Secondly, you may have become emotionally attached and letting go will be painful.
Lastly, you may not know how to deal with the different aspects of the and affair because of fear of what will happen.
If you are having an affair with a coworker or or you were the spouse of someone who has been unfaithful with someone at work, get in touch
Marriage in trouble? Understanding contempt and how it poisons your relationship.
According to relationship expert John Gottman, contempt is the single biggest predictor of divorce. It’s very hard to have a healthy, connected relationship when you disregard, mock, and disrespect your significant other. Name calling, mean, sarcastic joking, eye rolling and things like mocking your spouse, end up being poisonous to the relationship – and if don’t learn how to stop, it will most likely lead to divorce.
It’s understandable that most people feel anger in their relationship. You can learn to express anger without contempt and it will be very worthwhile.
What is contempt?
Contempt is a combination of anger and disgust and can takes things to a much more destructive place. Contempt is so damaging because it conveys “you are beneath me”. It is an arrogant way of seeing your partner as worthless and deserving of your disrespect and disdain. Often men and women use name calling such as “you’re stupid”, “you’re fat” , “you’re ugly” (and sometimes this behavior is directed at your children a well). Contempt makes it difficult for you to take your spouse or partner’s (or children) feelings into account and conveys you are disgusted and sometimes hate your spouse – basically gives the message ” I don’t care about you, your feelings or what you have to say”.
Why is Contempt Poisonous to the Marriage?
Contempt is so harmful because over time it erodes your relationship. It is defeating and destructive. Contempt conveys an attitude of arrogance, superiority and disgust. I can make one partner feel superior and give the impression that we are not equals and I am better than you, smarter than you, etc. if this is the case, you’re disregarding and dismissing your partner because you really don’t value his or her thoughts and feelings.
Empathy is the opposite of contempt. If you were not willing to empathize with your partner or spouse‘s experience, you will be unable to have a healthy and satisfying relationship.
Examples of Contempt
Name calling
Sarcasm
Mocking and mimicking
Eye rolling
Hostile humor
Smirking
The cure for contempt, according to John Gottman, is cultivating more respect and appreciation of one another. Sometimes reflecting on the positive aspects of your past (fondest and admiration) will help you make changes. You ability access fondness and admiration helps your therapist measure your ability to reduce contempt over time. Don’r wait until it’s too late to start working on breaking this pattern. If you need help moving in this direction, get in touch.
This can apply to so many things in life, but when it comes to relationships, it’s important to know when you need help. If you are reluctant and feel like you can fix things on your own – it’s important to listen to your partner or spouse if he or she thinks you will benefit from professional help. Waiting too long can make it hard for you to stay together.
Does this sound familiar?
You’ve asked ( or begged) your spouse to go to counseling with you and he or she won’t go.
You’re feeling stuck and don’t think you can get to a better place without help even though your partner doesn’t agree.
You’re getting increasingly unhappy and worried if something doesn’t change you’re going to end the relationship
Maybe you’re the one who thinks you can fix things yourselves even though your partner disagrees.
Many couples and marriage counselors see couples that wait a very long time before getting help. When one person is suggesting counseling, it’s important to listen to him or her. That person is most likely feeling unhappy and in pain. Some people are aware that making positive changes and breaking bad patterns won’t happen without help.
Relationship therapists also see many couples who waited too long. Sometimes it’s too late when your wife or husband is completely shut down. Hopefully you can listen to your spouse sooner and take the steps to get couples counseling if you are stuck in a bad place.
Is denying an affair causing causing pain and mistrust? Does this sounds familiar?
Are you lying repeatedly when your partner or spouse questions you?
Are you gaslighting your spouse ( “ you’re crazy, nothings going on. It’s all in your head” )?
Is it making you feel lousy about lying and hurting your partner?
Is it hard to let go of something that feels good?
Are you worried what will happen when you and the affair ( Will the person act out and contact your partner or spouse? )
Do you need help ending the affair and the fear of being honest with your partner?
Do you worry about losing your relationship or marriage?
There are so many problems that arise from an affair. Living a double life and secretly texting, calling and meeting the person you’re having an affair with – and lying about it causes damage on many levels. There are some men and women that want to stop the affair and don’t know how. There are others that know that they’ll feel loss when they give up whatever the affair is making them feel ( not wanting to let go of the attention or feeling special or maybe you fear what will happen when you do come clean).
On the other hand, maybe your spouse or partner finally came forward with “proof” after denying an affair and there’s no disputing it. What do you do then?
It depends. According to sex therapist and infidelity specialist Esther Perel, there are three main reasons people seek out affairs
it’s a wake up call to a relationship that has been disconnected and needs some changes here
The relationship has been so bad and unhappy for so long that an affair can be the last straw for a relationship that’s already “dying on the vine “
Sometimes it doesn’t have anything to do with the relationship and it’s more of personal Journey Or something meaningful about the relationship.
Are you feeling insecure and sense your husband or wife is involved with a coworker or someone else? Do you have a strong gut feeling and know that your partner or spouse is doing something inappropriate. Do you feel betrayed and confused? Are they very protective about their phone or email? Do you need help with what to do about this situation for yourself?
Or are you a wife or husband that is stuck and feeling trapped in a bad situation regarding an emotional or physical affair. Do you fear that being honest about the infidelity will end your marriage or relationship? Do you want it to end?
If you are denying an affair ( or feel your spouse is denying the affair ) and need help sorting through feelings and steps to take, get in touch
Many couples that seek counseling may need help with their connection. Some describe feeling more like roommates than lovers. Busy with jobs, children, and problems in the relationship can cause couples to disconnect and feel like there’s no intimacy. Maybe you’re too tired, you lost interest or you’re angry at your partner Overtime this can feel very unsatisfying and make both partners unhappy.
Does this sound familiar?
Intimacy and sex is very in frequent
Intimacy is nonexistent when you feel alone
You feel like you have to do your duty and “give” your spouse or partner sex which is unsatisfying for you ( or both)
You’re bored with intimacy and it’s the same old same old.
You feel like used and like a vessel when you do have sex
Sexual pleasure feeling one-sided and and all about one person.
You’re so busy taking care of everything and everyone that you feel like this is just one more thing or person you have to take care of
You no longer love your spouse
You’re so angry at your wife or husband that you have no interest in being close
If you want to explore what is making the marriage or relationship feel more like a roommate situation, get in touch.
Problems with In-Laws? You’re Definitely Not Alone
Let’s be honest – navigating your relationship as a couple is already pretty complex. However, when you add in-laws to the equation, things can get even more complicated fast. If you’re dealing with challenging in-law dynamics in your marriage, please know that you’re far from alone in this struggle. In fact, countless couples around the world face similar challenges every single day.
Here’s the thing: when two people get married, they’re essentially blending two completely different family systems. Moreover, each family comes with their own set of values, communication patterns, and expectations that don’t always mesh well together. Perhaps your mother-in-law frequently offers unsolicited parenting advice, or maybe your partner’s family traditions completely clash with your personal beliefs. Consequently, these situations often leave you feeling frustrated, misunderstood, and stuck between your spouse and their family.
But here’s some encouraging news: in-law problems don’t have to destroy your marriage. Furthermore, with the right understanding, clear boundaries, and solid communication strategies, you can work through these challenges while actually strengthening your relationship. Let’s explore how you can transform these difficulties into opportunities for growth and deeper family connections.
Understanding What’s Really Going On Behind In-Law Conflicts
In-law tensions don’t just appear out of thin air. Instead, they’re usually rooted in deeper psychological and cultural factors that deserve both our attention and compassion.
When your spouse’s family becomes part of your life, they bring decades of established patterns, inside jokes, and unspoken family rules. As a result, you might feel like you’re looking through a window at a world you can’t quite access, struggling to understand dynamics that everyone else takes for granted. Additionally, this feeling of being on the outside can trigger emotions like inadequacy or resentment, especially when you’re genuinely trying your best to fit in and belong.
The Challenge of Divided Loyalties
One of the most frequent sources of in-law drama involves those tricky divided loyalties. Your spouse often feels caught between supporting you and keeping peace with their family of origin. Consequently, this internal struggle can show up as defensiveness, avoidance, or inconsistent reactions to family situations. Understanding that your partner isn’t necessarily picking sides – but rather trying to navigate incredibly complex emotional territory – can help you approach these moments with greater empathy and patience.
Generational and Cultural Differences Create Natural Friction
Different generations naturally hold varying perspectives on marriage roles, parenting approaches, financial priorities, and life goals. What feels progressive and normal to you might seem threatening to older family members who deeply value more traditional approaches. Similarly, different cultural backgrounds can create genuine misunderstandings about everything from holiday celebrations to daily routines and expectations.
These differences aren’t inherently problematic. However, they become challenging when family members expect everyone to conform or judge alternative approaches harshly. Recognizing these underlying factors can help you respond with patience rather than taking disagreements as personal attacks on your character or choices.
Setting Boundaries That Actually Protect Your Marriage
Healthy boundaries work like protective guidelines that preserve your relationship’s integrity while still maintaining respect for your extended family. Think of boundaries not as walls designed to keep people out, but rather as clear guidelines that help everyone understand what appropriate interactions look like.
Identifying Your Absolute Non-Negotiables
First, sit down with your spouse and discuss which areas feel most important to protect together. These might include:
Decision-making authority about your children’s upbringing and discipline
Financial choices and spending priorities that affect your household
How you choose to spend holidays and special family occasions
Privacy regarding your marriage and personal matters that should stay private
Career decisions and lifestyle choices that impact your family’s future
Once you’ve identified these core areas together, you can work as a team to communicate them respectfully yet firmly to family members who need to understand these boundaries.
Presenting a United Front Always Works Better
The most effective boundary-setting happens when you and your spouse are completely aligned and consistent. Therefore, before family gatherings or potentially difficult conversations, discuss your approach together and agree on how you’ll respond to various challenges that might arise. When in-laws see that you’re genuinely working as a unified team, they’re much more likely to respect your decisions rather than attempting to create division between you.
Remember that your spouse really needs to take the lead in setting boundaries with their own family members. While you can certainly express your concerns and needs clearly, having your partner communicate directly with their relatives shows respect for existing family relationships and prevents you from being perceived as the troublemaker or outsider causing problems.
Communication Strategies That Actually Build Understanding
Effective communication can genuinely transform tense family dynamics into real opportunities for deeper connection and mutual respect. The key lies in approaching conversations with genuine curiosity rather than immediate defensiveness or frustration.
Active Listening Techniques That Really Work
When in-laws express opinions or concerns that trigger your frustration, try responding with questions that demonstrate your sincere desire to understand their perspective better. Phrases like “Help me understand why this is so important to you” or “I’d really love to learn more about your experience with this situation” can shift the entire conversation from conflict mode to connection mode.
This approach doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything they say or do. However, it shows genuine respect for their viewpoint and often reduces their need to argue or convince you of their position aggressively.
Finding Common Ground Despite Different Methods
Look actively for shared values and goals, even when your specific methods differ significantly. Most family members genuinely want similar positive outcomes: happy, healthy relationships, well-adjusted children, and overall family harmony. By focusing intentionally on these shared desires, you can often find creative solutions that honor everyone’s legitimate concerns.
For example, if your mother-in-law consistently worries about your child’s screen time but you feel her approach is unnecessarily restrictive, you might explore together what you both actually hope to achieve. You likely both want children who are creative, physically active, and socially well-connected. From this solid foundation, you can discuss various strategies that accomplish these shared goals effectively.
Choosing Your Battles Wisely Saves Everyone Energy
Not every single disagreement requires a full confrontation or lengthy discussion. Some situations naturally resolve themselves over time, while others genuinely need addressing for your family’s long-term well-being. Before engaging in potentially difficult conversations, ask yourself honestly: “Will this particular issue matter in five years?” and “Is this situation actually affecting my marriage or children’s well-being in significant ways?”
This kind of thoughtful discernment helps you save your emotional energy for truly important matters while letting minor irritations pass without creating unnecessary family drama or tension.
When Professional Help Actually Makes a Real Difference
Sometimes in-law problems create such significant ongoing stress that they begin seriously affecting your mental health, marriage satisfaction, or overall family dynamics. Recognizing when to seek professional support demonstrates genuine wisdom and strength, not weakness or failure.
Clear Signs It’s Time for Professional Counseling
Consider reaching out for professional guidance if you’re consistently experiencing:
Persistent, recurring arguments with your spouse specifically about family issues
Genuine anxiety or dread before family gatherings or interactions
Feeling increasingly isolated or unsupported within your marriage
Children showing noticeable signs of stress related to ongoing family conflicts
Complete inability to establish or maintain any healthy boundaries effectively
A qualified therapist can provide truly objective perspectives and practical, proven tools for navigating these complex family relationships more successfully. Additionally, they can help you and your spouse develop stronger communication skills that not only improve your partnership but also help you manage external family pressures more effectively.
What to Actually Expect from Professional Support
Marriage and family counseling offers a genuinely safe, confidential space to explore your feelings honestly, develop effective coping strategies, and practice difficult conversations before having them in real life. Your therapist might help you identify problematic patterns in your interactions, understand your specific emotional triggers better, and create realistic action plans for challenging family situations.
Many couples discover that professional guidance not only improves their in-law relationships significantly but also strengthens their marriage overall in unexpected ways. Learning to navigate family challenges together often enhances teamwork, communication skills, and mutual support in many other areas of life as well.
Moving Forward with Genuine Hope and Clear Intention
Dealing with challenging in-law problems can definitely feel overwhelming at times. However, please remember that all relationships naturally evolve and change over time. The specific tensions you’re experiencing right now don’t have to define your family’s entire future story.
Start with small, manageable steps rather than trying to change everything at once. Choose one specific boundary to establish or one new communication strategy to practice consistently. Furthermore, celebrate progress whenever you see it, even when it feels incremental or slow. Building healthier family dynamics genuinely takes time and patience, but each positive interaction creates real momentum for continued improvement and growth.
Your marriage absolutely deserves protection and should remain your top priority. By working together consistently with your spouse, seeking appropriate support when you need it, and approaching family challenges with both strength and genuine compassion, you can successfully navigate these difficulties while building an even stronger foundation for your future together.
If you’re feeling genuinely stuck or overwhelmed by persistent in-law problems in your marriage, please consider reaching out for professional support sooner rather than later. Sometimes an experienced outside perspective can provide exactly the clarity and practical tools you need to transform challenging family dynamics into real opportunities for growth and deeper, more meaningful connections.
Problems with in-laws? Get in touch – we can help.
