Maplewood Counseling
The Truth Behind Cheating in Relationships

The Truth Behind Cheating in Relationships

Relationships

The Truth Behind Cheating in Relationships

Reasons for Infidleity According to Esther Perel
Get Started

The Truth Behind Cheating in Relationships According to Esther Perel

Infidelity can shatter even the strongest of relationships, leaving a trail of broken hearts and trust issues in its wake. But why do people cheat? Understanding the underlying reasons for infidelity can help couples address issues before they escalate, or heal faster if the damage is already done. Renowned relationship therapist Esther Perel has spent years exploring this sensitive topic, and she pinpoints three main reasons why infidelity occurs. This blog dives into Perel’s insights, offering practical advice and real-life examples to help couples understand and overcome this challenging issue.

Understanding Infidelity and Its Impact on Relationships

Infidelity is one of the leading causes of relationship breakdowns. When one partner cheats, the betrayal can be devastating. Trust is broken, and the emotional pain can take years to heal. But understanding why infidelity happens is crucial for preventing it. By addressing the root causes early on, couples can build stronger, more resilient relationships.

Who is Esther Perel?

Esther Perel is a renowned psychotherapist and relationship expert. Her work focuses on the dynamics of relationships, particularly around intimacy and infidelity. Through her practice, books, and public speaking, Perel has helped countless couples understand and overcome the complexities of modern relationships. Her insights into infidelity are particularly valuable for anyone looking to strengthen their relationship or recover from betrayal.

The Three Main Reasons for Infidelity According to Esther Perel

Lack of Attention and Emotional Connection

One of the primary reasons people cheat is a lack of attention and emotional connection in their relationship. Over time, couples can drift apart. Work, children, and other commitments can take priority, leaving little time for emotional bonding. When one partner feels neglected, they may seek emotional fulfillment outside the relationship.

Perel emphasizes that it’s not just about physical intimacy. Emotional neglect can be just as damaging. Partners who feel unheard, unseen, or undervalued are at a higher risk of seeking connection elsewhere. Addressing this issue requires open communication and a commitment to making time for each other.

Maintaining a strong emotional connection can significantly reduce the risk of infidelity. Simple gestures like regular date nights, meaningful conversations, and showing appreciation can go a long way in keeping the emotional bond strong.

Desire for Novelty and Passion

Another common reason for infidelity is the desire for novelty and passion. Long-term relationships can sometimes become routine and predictable. Perel explains that the excitement of something new—often referred to as the “affair of opportunity”—can be intoxicating. This desire for novelty doesn’t necessarily mean there’s something wrong with the relationship; it’s often about the thrill of the unknown.

People crave excitement and passion. When these needs aren’t met within the relationship, they might look elsewhere. This doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed. Recognizing and addressing the need for novelty within the relationship can reignite the spark.

Couples can introduce novelty and excitement into their relationship in various ways. Trying new activities together, surprising each other, or even simply changing routines can help keep the relationship dynamic and exciting.

Seeking Self-Fulfillment and Validation

The third reason Perel identifies is the search for self-fulfillment and validation. Sometimes, people cheat to feel desirable, admired, or valued. It’s less about the partner or the relationship and more about personal insecurities or unmet needs for self-worth.

In some cases, seeking validation through infidelity is a misguided attempt to boost self-esteem. This might stem from unresolved issues, past traumas, or a lack of confidence. Understanding this motive can help couples address deeper, underlying issues that contribute to infidelity.

Perel suggests that building self-esteem and finding validation within the relationship, rather than outside it, is crucial. Encouraging and supporting each other’s personal growth can strengthen the relationship and reduce the temptation to seek validation elsewhere.

Real-Life Examples and Case Studies

To better understand these reasons, consider the following real-life examples and case studies based on Perel’s work:

  • Lack of Attention and Emotional Connection:

Jane and Tom had been married for ten years. With two kids and demanding jobs, they rarely spent quality time together. Jane felt neglected and unappreciated. She began confiding in a coworker, which eventually led to an emotional affair. Recognizing the issue, Jane and Tom started couples counseling and made a conscious effort to reconnect through regular date nights and open communication.

  • Desire for Novelty and Passion:

Sarah and Mike had a predictable routine. While their relationship was stable, it lacked excitement. Sarah found herself drawn to the thrill of a new relationship with a colleague. Realizing she didn’t want to lose Mike, Sarah and Mike decided to spice up their relationship by exploring new hobbies together and taking spontaneous trips.

  • Seeking Self-Fulfillment and Validation:

Mark struggled with low self-esteem. Despite a loving relationship with his wife, he sought validation through an affair. Through therapy, Mark addressed his insecurities and focused on building self-worth from within and through his relationship.

Open Communication and Transparency

Preventing infidelity starts with open communication and transparency. Couples should feel comfortable discussing their needs, desires, and concerns. Keeping lines of communication open helps partners stay connected and aware of each other’s emotional state.

Discussing potential issues before they escalate can prevent misunderstandings and feelings of neglect. Regular check-ins and honest conversations about the relationship’s health are essential.

Transparency also involves setting boundaries and being honest about temptations. Trust is built through consistent, open communication and mutual respect.

Practical Tips for Navigating and Healing from Infidelity

Healing from infidelity is challenging, but it is possible. Here are some practical tips for couples dealing with betrayal:

  1. Seek Professional Help:

Professional therapy can provide a safe space for both partners to express their feelings and work through the pain. Therapists offer guidance and strategies for rebuilding trust and understanding the root causes of infidelity.

  1. Rebuild Trust:

Rebuilding trust takes time and consistent effort. The betraying partner must show genuine remorse and a commitment to change. Transparency in actions and communications is crucial during this period.

  1. Focus on Self-Care:

Both partners should focus on self-care during the healing process. Taking care of one’s physical and emotional well-being is essential for moving forward positively.

  1. Reestablish Connection:

Reconnecting and rebuilding the emotional bond is vital. Spending quality time together, engaging in meaningful conversations, and showing appreciation can help mend the relationship.

  1. Forgiveness and Moving Forward:

Forgiveness is a crucial step, although it may take time. Both partners must be willing to move forward and leave the past behind to rebuild a stronger, healthier relationship.

Conclusion

Infidelity is a complex issue with deep-rooted causes. Understanding the reasons behind it, as explained by Esther Perel, can help couples address and prevent infidelity. By fostering open communication, maintaining emotional connections, and seeking self-fulfillment within the relationship, couples can build a resilient partnership.

For those already affected by infidelity, hope is not lost. With dedication, professional help, and a commitment to healing, couples can rebuild trust and emerge stronger. Remember, the key lies in understanding, communication, and a mutual desire to grow together.

For more personalized advice and support, consider scheduling a session with a relationship counselor. Strengthen your bond and create a more fulfilling relationship today.

If you need help with infidleity or cheating in your realtionship, reach out.

Get in touch now with Maplewood Counseling

Signs of an Estranged Marriage and Finding a Path Forward

 

The Truth Behind Cheating in Relationships

Jealousy Causing Problems?

Relationships

Jealousy Causing Issues in Your Relationship?

Need Help with Jealous Feelings?
Get Started

Jealousy Causing Issues? 

Get Help With Jealous Feelings.

Is Jealousy Causing Issues?

Jealousy, a complex and often uncomfortable emotion, permeates many aspects of our lives, particularly our relationships. It can sprout silently within the hidden crevices of our hearts, stemming from a variety of deep-rooted emotions and past experiences. Addressing and managing jealousy with compassion and understanding is essential for fostering healthy connections with those around us—our partners, friends, and family members.

But why, exactly, do we feel jealous? Is it merely a symptom of possessiveness or does it highlight issues that require introspection? In navigating these murky waters, it’s crucial we reflect on the origins of jealousy and work towards solutions that cultivate a sense of trust and security, both within ourselves and in our relationships.

Reasons People Feel Jealous

 

Insecurity and Self-esteem

Insecurity is at the heart of it all when it comes to reasons for jealousy. A lack of self-esteem can lead us to question our worthiness and, subsequently, our place in others’ lives. It manifests as a dubious voice inside your head, the one that whispers you’re not good enough or that someone else could easily take your place. This inner critic can intensify feelings of jealousy, suggesting that you must guard what is ‘yours’ before it’s usurped by another.

Fear of Loss or Abandonment

Hand in hand with insecurity is the fear of losing someone we hold dear. The idea of abandonment taps into our primal need for connections and the dread of loneliness. It’s the concern that someone else’s gain in affection might result in our loss. This fear can cast a shadow over our relationships, causing us to react jealously to perceived threats, irrespective of their reality.

Comparison and Competition

We live in a world where comparison is not just common; it’s almost a norm. With social media portraying snapshots of ‘perfect’ lives, it’s all too easy to compare ourselves unfavorably against others. This constant evaluation can foster a competitive mindset, breeding jealousy when we perceive others to be more successful, happier, or loved than we are. Remember, each person’s life journey is unique, and it’s important to acknowledge that comparisons often do more harm than good.

Past Experiences and Trust Issues

The seed of jealousy can also be a result of our past experiences. If trust has been shattered before, through betrayals or disappointments, it might lead us to project those fears onto current relationships. These trust issues become the lenses through which we view interactions, fueling jealous thoughts even in unwarranted situations.

Recognizing the Signs of Jealousy

 

Do you find yourself questioning your partner’s actions incessantly, think flirting is causing issues, or feeling a nagging discomfort when they praise someone else? These emotional responses can be indicators of jealousy. Likewise, behaviors like checking a partner’s phone without consent or demanding constant updates point to trust issues.

Communication patterns shift too; conversations may brim with accusations or investigative questions. An innocent chat about a partner’s coworker can spiral into an argument stemmed from jealousy. Overthinking becomes a regular guest in the mind, replaying scenarios that stoke the embers of jealousy.

Healthy Ways to Manage Jealousy

Many people are not good at turning off emotions like a switch. Therefore, learning to manage jealousy healthily becomes paramount. Self-reflection is a tool that allows you to understand your triggers and feelings better. Coupled with self-care practices, it reinforces your sense of self-worth and reduces dependence on others’ validation.

Engage in open, honest communication with your loved ones. Expressing your feelings vulnerably can be daunting, but it often leads to deeper understanding and intimacy. It’s about being heard, and in turn, offering an empathetic ear.

Building trust and fostering security don’t happen overnight. Like a carefully tended garden, a relationship grows through consistent care—developing more trust and reassurance. And sometimes, seeking professional help is an act of bravery, not defeat. Therapy provides a safe space to explore complex feelings and empowers you to approach jealousy in healthier ways.

The Role of Communication in Resolving Jealousy

 

Communication is a dance where speaking honestly and listening intently are equally important. When jealousy arises, articulate your emotions without accusation. And when your partner shares, listen. Really listen. Their perspective can shed light on misunderstandings and quell unfounded fears.

It’s important to negotiate boundaries and expectations within relationships, as this spells out a map everyone can navigate. Agree on what feels comfortable and what crosses the line—for some, a partner’s casual coffee with an ex might be fine, for others, it’s a no-go. Establish these guidelines through conversations grounded in love, not control, setting the foundation for trust to flourish.

Actionable Tips for Managing Jealousy

Here are some steps you can take:

  • Cultivate Self-Confidence and Self-love: Remind yourself of your strengths and achievements. Engage in activities that make you feel competent and confident. The more secure you feel in your own skin, the less room there is for jealousy.
  • Practice Gratitude and Mindfulness: Shifting focus to the positives in your life helps take the edge off jealousy. Mindfulness keeps you anchored in the present, preventing jealousy from hijacking your thoughts with ‘what-ifs’ and ‘maybes’.
  • Develop Trust Through Transparency and Consistency: Reaffirm trust in your relationships through transparent communication and consistent actions. This builds a pattern of reliability and predictability that can soothe jealous thoughts

Confronting and managing jealousy takes courage, but it’s a journey well worth embarking upon for the sake of healthier, more harmonious relationships. It involves introspection, communication, and, sometimes, a helping hand from professionals.

Always remember, you are not alone in feeling jealousy. It’s a shared human experience. Have patience with yourself as you navigate these waters, and hold onto the belief that with conscious effort, jealousy can be managed, kept at bay, and eventually, replaced with trust and confidence.

As you step forward, carry this affirmation with you: “I am worthy of love, capable of trust, and able to look beyond fear to embrace connection.” This path isn’t always easy, but together, we can journey towards a future where jealousy no longer casts its shadow over our relationships

Need help?

Therapy can help you understand and manage jealous feelings individually or as a couple. If jealousy is causing big problems in your relationship or for you personally, please reach out for help.

Have questions for us? Get in touch

Micro-Cheating Causes Feelings of Betrayal

Micro-Cheating Causes Feelings of Betrayal

Relationships

Micro Cheating Hurts Relationships

Trust & Betrayal Issues?

 

Contact Maplewoood Counseling

Micro-cheating in Relationships or Marriage

How to recognize micro-cheating

Micro-cheating is a term that describes a more subtle form of infidelity in a relationship. Infidelity typically means a physical affair, but it can also refer to an emotional affair. An emotional affair is an intimate emotional attachment outside the marriage or relationship. Micro-cheating is less obvious, and you or your partner might not even realize it is damaging your relationship. However, it can often evolve into an affair.

Relationship boundaries

Couples set boundaries in relationships. Boundaries define which actions are acceptable or unacceptable for their relationship. The boundaries couples set for cheating may vary. In the extreme, an open marriage allows partners to have sex with other people. However, most marriages draw the line, considering that extra-marital affairs and emotional affairs are outside the boundaries they’ve set. 

It’s also important to note that couples often don’t openly discuss and set boundaries together. One partner may assume that a certain activity is unacceptable but the other may not. Especially, if they haven’t discussed it.

What are examples of micro-cheating?

The digital age has opened up lines of communication and offers more variety for cheating in subtle ways.

Examples of micro-cheating often include the following actions:

  • Flirting in general
  • Flirtatious text messaging or texting
  • Discussing your sex life or sending sexually explicit messages or photos
  • Posting suggestive or seductive comments or “liking” them
  • Continuing to keep a dating profile to see if you can find a better match
  • Giving your phone number to someone you are attracted to
  • Fueling a crush by making efforts to look attractive
  • Frequent responses to someone who is flirting with you
  • Taking off your wedding ring or engagement ring when you go out
  • Staying consistently in communication with an ex
  • Joining others from work for drinks and not telling your partner
  • While online, not telling others you are in a relationship

What are some signs of cheating?

Any attempt to hide something could be a sign of cheating. Privacy is understandable, but hiding actions that are eroding a relationship is typical of infidelity.

Some actions that might indicate your partner is keeping secrets include:

  • Whispering during phone conversations
  • Deleting or hiding texts or emails
  • Suddenly turning off a computer or phone
  • Not letting their partner see the face of their phone
  • Hiding the nature of how they’re using social media
  • In general, not paying attention to their partner, whether distracted or busy

How can you deal with infidelity in your relationship?

As a general rule, the following approaches can help you deal with relationship problems:

  • Keep your emotions at bay. While heightened emotions tend to occur with infidelity, give yourself and your partner some space before broaching this touchy subject.

  • Approach your conversation in a positive way. Do not blame or try to shame your partner for whatever has occurred. Instead of saying “you did,” structure the discussion beginning with “I felt…” type statements. If you were the one cheating, be sure to listen and be compassionate regarding the backlash. 

  • Set realistic and beneficial relationship boundaries. Agree on the boundaries that you want to set regarding fidelity. Open and honest relationships can often overcome challenges and struggles.

  • Re-evaluate your relationship. Decide whether you want to stay in the relationship and whether you can rebuild it. If your partner is unwilling, then perhaps you need to re-evaluate. If you both are willing to compromise to keep the other happy, then plan how to move forward.

Couples Counseling Can Help

Professional assistance from a compassionate counselor can often help couples overcome micro-cheating or other relationship problems. Therapists have tools for rebuilding relationships. Get in touch and find out how we can help.

Five Reasons People Avoid Going to Therapy

Depression, Grief, Relationships, Therapist

Five Reasons People
Avoid Therapy

Contact Maplewoood Counseling

Avoiding Getting Help?

Five reasons people avoid going to therapy

1. I’m nervous about going to therapy

A lot of people get anxious and nervous about going to therapy. Maybe they don’t know how it works or feels there must be something wrong with me/us if we need professional counseling. Some people feel like it’s “weak” to ask for professional help.
2. I/we should be able to fix things on our own
Feeling like you can fix things on your own or at least you should be able to fix things on your own. This it is another big reason people avoid going to therapy. When it comes to relationship issues, sometimes one person is asking their partner or spouse to go to therapy and the other person Continues to say no.
3. How can therapy help me/us?
A lot of people are not sure how therapy works or how it can actually help. They might hesitate because they don’t understand the process and how it can actually help them get to a better place personally or in the relationship.
4. I don’t believe in therapy
Some people just don’t believe in therapy. They don’t believe it can help or they don’t believe they need it. Sometimes it takes a person being in a very vulnerable and painful situation to be open to the idea of getting professional help.
5. I/we can’t afford it
Many people who need or want therapy feel they can’t afford it.  There are a few places, such as a local church that may offer free counseling and there are also many nonprofit counseling services that offer more affordable, lower fees. When you are looking for a highly trained professional most likely the fee will be higher and unfortunately not accessible for some people. However, there are local nonprofit counseling centers that can offer counseling at a more affordable rate.
There are many reasons people avoid therapy. Some people find their way to therapy after going through a very painful situation emotionally or in their relationship. For people that are open to the process, it can be very helpful with many personal and relationship challenges.
At Maplewood Counseling, we offer professional, confidential, and experienced counseling services in New Jersey for couples, families, and individuals. If you are in need of help, get in touch

 

 

 

 

Can Your Marriage Survive Infidelity?

Affair With A Coworker

Relationships

 
 
 

Affair with a Coworker ?

Couples or Individual Counseling

Contact Maplewoood Counseling

Affair with a Coworker 

Coping with work related infidelity? 

Are you dealing with a spouse or partner that’s having an affair with a coworker? Are you the one that’s involved and need help figuring out how to cope with the emotional fallout at home or work? Maybe you never thought you would be caught up in a situation like this and now you are dealing with fear, anger, pain and other difficult emotions.

Does this sound familiar?

  • It started out as an innocent friendship and developed into much more
  • You are hiding in appropriate texts and other correspondence from a coworker because you know it’s wrong
  • You’ve been lying to your spouse or partner about the emotional or sexual affair
  • You just found out about the affair your partner is having with a male or female coworker and are devastated

There are many reasons an affair starts at work. Maybe you’re enjoying the attention from a coworker and that attention becomes hard to resist in spite of your best judgment. Or possibly some men and women do not have clear boundaries when it comes to inappropriate conversations, which can lead to problems down the road. Others may be more vulnerable to an affair if they are not feeling connected or happy at home. Many couple don’t seek professional help because they don’t think of it, don’t think it will help or one person is not willing to go.

There’s no doubt that affairs are very painful and damage trust in your relationship.  Ending the affair with a coworker can be challenging on many fronts, but puts your marriage at great risk if you don’t.

Affair with a Coworker | What makes it difficult to Cope? 

  • Firstly, you still have to see the person on a daily basis if you may not have the option to leave.
  • Secondly, you may have become emotionally attached and letting go will be painful.
  • Lastly, you may not know how to deal with the different aspects of the and affair because of fear of what will happen. 

If you are having an affair with a coworker or or you were the spouse of someone who has been unfaithful with someone at work, get in touch

Contact Maplewoood Counseling

Denying an Affair?

Anxiety, Depression, Relationships

 
 
 

Denying An Affair?
Scared to Tell The Truth?

Contact Maplewoood Counseling

You or Your Partner Denying An Affair?

 

Is denying an affair causing causing pain and mistrust? Does this sounds familiar?

  • Are you lying repeatedly when your partner or spouse questions you?
  • Are you gaslighting your spouse ( “ you’re crazy, nothings going on. It’s all in your head” )?
  • Is it making you feel lousy about lying and hurting your partner?
  • Is it hard to let go of something that feels good?
  • Are you worried what will happen when you and the affair ( Will the person act out and contact your partner or spouse? )
  • Do you need help ending the affair and the fear of being honest with your partner?
  • Do you worry about losing your relationship or marriage?

There are so many problems that arise from an affair. Living a double life and secretly texting, calling and meeting the person you’re having an affair with – and lying about it causes damage on many levels. There are some men and women that want to stop the affair and don’t know how. There are others that know that they’ll feel loss when they give up whatever the affair is making them feel ( not wanting to let go of the attention or feeling special or maybe you fear what will happen when you do come clean).

On the other hand, maybe your spouse or partner finally came forward with “proof” after denying an affair and there’s no disputing it. What do you do then?

It depends. According to sex therapist and infidelity specialist Esther Perel, there are three main reasons people seek out affairs

  1.  it’s a wake up call to a relationship that has been disconnected and needs some changes here
  2.  The relationship has been so bad and unhappy for so long that an affair can be the last straw for a relationship that’s already “dying on the vine “
  3.   Sometimes it doesn’t have anything to do with the relationship and it’s more of personal Journey Or something meaningful about the relationship.

Are you feeling insecure and sense your husband or wife is involved with a coworker or someone else? Do you have a strong gut feeling and know that your partner or spouse is doing something inappropriate. Do you feel betrayed and confused? Are they very protective about their phone or email? Do you need help with what to do about this situation for yourself?

Or are you a wife or husband that is stuck and feeling trapped in a bad situation regarding an emotional or physical affair. Do you fear that being honest about the infidelity will end your marriage or relationship? Do you want it to end?

If you are denying an affair ( or feel your spouse is denying the affair ) and need help sorting through feelings and steps to take, get in touch

Contact Maplewoood Counseling

&nbsp:
 
 
Trying to End An Affiar?