Maplewood Counseling
Select Page

Shame Issues and Getting Help

Dealing with Shame

Getting Help Now

Shame Issues and Getting Help

Shame Issues and How to Get Help

Shame. Such a very complicated and painful feeling. Dr. Brené  Brown is a shame and vulnerability researcher, and she has spent the past decade studying vulnerability, shame, courage, and worthiness. She defines shame as “is the intensely painful feeling that we are unworthy of love and belonging.”

It is such an awful place to be. On the one hand, you desperately want to connect with others and get their support (something we ALL need). On the other hand, you don’t dare risk becoming vulnerable because it does not feel (or never has never felt) safe.  The end result? You end up feeling isolated and very, very alone.  According to Brené Brown, Ph.D., LMSW, shame can destroy lives.

Dr. Brené Brown: “Shame Is Lethal”

Shame and vulnerability researcher Dr. Brené Brown says shame is the intensely painful feeling that we are unworthy of love and belonging. It’s the most primitive human emotion we all feel—and the one no one wants to talk about. If left to its own devices, Dr. Brown says, shame can destroy lives. Watch as she reveals the three things shame requires to grow—and the one thing that can stop shame in its tracks.

This next video is on of the most popular TED talks

Listening to Shame

Common Shame Issues:

Is this you? You’re ashamed of:

  • the way you are treated by your spouse, partner or others.
  • the way you treat your spouse, partner or others.
  • a failed relationship, being single, going through a divorce, making bad relationship choices.
  • the way you look (weight issues, too short, too tall, not attractive or desirable enough, etc..).
  • losing your job, financial struggles or making enough money to make ends meet.
  • your intelligence or not feeling smart enough.

Shame makes us feel like we’re not good enough- a general sense of being unlovable and unworthy. If you need help dealing with shame, therapy can help. You may also find these books and resources by Dr. Brene Brown very helpful.

Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Brown, Brene(Sep 11, 2012)
The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are by Brown, Brene(Sep 20, 2010)
I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t): Making the Journey from “What Will People Think?” to “I Am Enough” by Brown, Brene(Feb 1, 2007)

We hope you find this information helpful. Contact us if we can help you in Essex County, NJ at 973-902-8700.

Feeling Isolated and Alone?

Feel Isolated and Alone?

Not Sure What to DO?
Get in Touch

Feeling Isolated and Alone?

 

Maplewood Marriage Counseling Couples Therapy NJ

 

Are you feeling isolated and alone? Is isolating causing you to feel depressed and ashamed or is it the other way around? Social or emotional isolation can have very painful consequences. It can even affect your health.

Alone Time – Is it Helping or Hurting?

Spending time alone can be a very healthy way to deal with a busy, stressful life. It’s a way of emotionally and mentally recharging. It’s great to have some quiet time to relax, deal with stress and do things you enjoy.  After all, everyone could use a break from day to day responsibilities, whether it’s work,  family or household responsibilities. There are many benefits to finding time for yourself.

However, if spending time alone is more about avoiding others and fearing interacting with others ( friends, family, at work), it can hurt you. Isolating might feel like the safer option, but it can make you feel worse.

Why do people isolate?

  • you feel sad ( and/or ashamed) and learned it’s safer to withdraw rather than risk reaching out to others for help
  • you feel ashamed or struggling with low self esteem or self worth
  • you feel depressed and have never felt like anyone can help or cares
  • you’re grieving over the loss of a family member or going through a painful divorce or break up
  • you’re in a painful marriage or relationship and feel very alone and can’t let people know how awful you’re feeling
  • you don’t feel like you have people who can you can trust to be there for you
  • social interactions feel more painful than isolating
  • you struggle making friends or dealing with others in social situations
  • you’ve moved to a new area ( common  in Maplewood and South Orange ) and it’s hard to make new friends and get connected
  • you have a new baby and the change feels isolating
  • you’re an introvert and/or a highly sensitive person ( HSP ) that is finding it more difficult, overwhelming and draining to put yourself out there

If you’re feeling isolated and alone and have pulled away from people in your life, find out what may help connect. You have to feel safe enough to reach out and stop isolating.

Therapy and support groups can help deal with the issues that make you isolate. You can find ways to deal with your fears and anxiety to get more connected and socially engaged. For some people, it might mean learning how to reconnect with family and friends you can trust, and with others, it might mean finding a support group or other support network to help you.

Feeling Isolated and Alone

Reach out for help when you’re ready. Get in touch here contact us.

We hope you find this helpful.

Breakup Therapy Essex County NJ: Your Healing Guide

Breakup Therapy Essex County NJ: Your Healing Guide

Healing Heartbreak: Breakup Therapy in Essex County NJ

 

Breakup Therapy Essex County NJ: Your Healing Guide

By Debra Feinberg, LCSW, Robert Jenkins, LCSW (Reviewed by Senior Level Therapists)

Ending a significant relationship is often one of the most painful transitions you can experience. Whether the split was mutual, unexpected, or a long time coming, the emotional aftermath can leave you feeling entirely untethered. You might find yourself cycling through intense sadness, frustration, confusion, and grief. If you are struggling to navigate these heavy emotions, you do not have to do it alone.

Breakup therapy in Essex County, NJ, offers a compassionate, structured path forward. Professional counseling provides a safe space to process your pain, understand your relationship dynamics, and ultimately rebuild your life with renewed strength. In this guide, we will explore the profound benefits of breakup therapy, what the therapeutic process actually looks like, and the actionable steps you can take to start healing today.

The Heavy Emotional Toll of a Breakup

Are you feeling overwhelmed by the sheer weight of your emotions? That is a completely normal response to loss. A breakup is not just the loss of a partner; it is the loss of a shared future, daily routines, and sometimes even a part of your identity.

Many people experience a grieving process remarkably similar to mourning a physical loss. You might feel a deep sense of rejection, anger at how things ended, or profound loneliness when you wake up in an empty bed. Sometimes, you might even feel a lingering sense of love for the person who hurt you, which can make the healing process feel incredibly confusing.

Validating these emotions is the first critical step toward recovery. Pushing the pain away or pretending you are fine will only prolong your suffering. Recognizing that your feelings are valid, expected, and temporary is where true healing begins. This is exactly where professional therapy steps in to guide you.

Why Choose Breakup Therapy in Essex County NJ?

When you are deep in the trenches of heartbreak, well-meaning friends and family often offer advice like, “Just give it time,” or “There are plenty of fish in the sea.” While time is a factor in healing, time alone does not process trauma or resolve deep-seated emotional pain. Breakup therapy provides the expert guidance necessary to transform your pain into meaningful personal growth.

Processing Complex Emotions Safely

Therapy offers a secure, confidential, and non-judgmental environment to unpack your feelings. A trained therapist helps you navigate the confusing web of emotions—from lingering affection to intense resentment—without the fear of burdening your loved ones. We help you face these feelings head-on so they no longer control your daily life.

Breaking Unhealthy Relationship Patterns

Do you find yourself repeating the same mistakes in your relationships? Breakup therapy is an excellent opportunity to examine your relationship history objectively. Together, we can identify unhealthy communication patterns, attachment styles, or boundary issues that may have contributed to the split. Understanding these dynamics empowers you to make healthier choices in the future.

Rebuilding Your Identity and Self-Esteem

Relationships often intertwine our identities with our partners. When the relationship ends, you might wonder, “Who am I without them?” Therapy helps you reconnect with your core self. We focus on rebuilding your shattered self-esteem, rediscovering your passions, and establishing a strong, independent identity that is not reliant on a romantic partner.

What to Expect During the Therapeutic Process

Taking the first step to schedule a therapy session can feel intimidating, especially when you are already feeling vulnerable. Knowing what to expect can help ease that anxiety. The therapeutic process for breakup recovery is highly personalized, but it generally follows a supportive, structured framework.

1. The Initial Assessment

During your first few sessions, your therapist will want to hear your story. We will explore the history of your relationship, the circumstances of the breakup, and the specific emotional symptoms you are currently experiencing. This is a time for you to be heard and validated.

2. Identifying Triggers and Coping Mechanisms

As we progress, we will identify the specific triggers that cause you distress—such as seeing a photo on social media or visiting a familiar neighborhood in Essex County. Your therapist will help you develop healthy, customized coping strategies to manage these triggers, replacing harmful habits with constructive actions.

3. Cognitive Restructuring

Breakups often bring a flood of negative self-talk, such as “I am unlovable,” or “I will never find happiness again.” Through therapeutic techniques, we will challenge and reframe these distorted thoughts. You will learn how to cultivate self-compassion and view the breakup not as a personal failure, but as an experience that builds resilience.

4. Goal Setting and Future Planning

As the acute pain begins to subside, therapy shifts toward the future. What do you want your life to look like now? We will work together to set achievable personal goals, helping you build a fulfilling life that excites you.

Actionable Steps to Start Your Healing Journey

While therapy provides the foundational support you need, there are practical steps you can take right now to protect your peace and begin your recovery.

Establish Firm Boundaries

Contacting your ex-partner usually reopens emotional wounds. Establish clear boundaries by initiating a period of no contact. This means refraining from texting, calling, or checking their social media profiles. Creating physical and digital space is essential for your brain to process the separation.

Lean on Your Support System

Isolation feeds depression. Reach out to trusted friends, family members, or local support groups in the New Jersey area. Let the people who love you show up for you. You do not have to carry this burden entirely on your own shoulders.

Prioritize Radical Self-Care

When you are grieving, basic needs often fall by the wayside. Focus on sleeping well, eating nourishing meals, and moving your body. Engage in activities that bring you a sense of calm, whether that is taking a walk through a local Essex County park, reading a book, or practicing mindfulness meditation.

Schedule a Therapy Session

The most empowering action you can take is asking for professional help. If you are struggling to cope, reaching out to a qualified therapist can drastically alter the trajectory of your healing.

Frequently Asked Questions About Divorce Counseling

Is it normal to feel lost or overwhelmed after a breakup or divorce?

Absolutely. Transitioning out of a significant relationship can bring up a mix of emotions, including sadness, anger, relief, or confusion. These reactions are natural, and it’s okay to seek help at any stage of your healing process.

How can therapy help with moving on from a breakup?

Therapy offers a supportive, confidential space to process your emotions, gain perspective on your experiences, and develop healthy coping techniques. A skilled counselor can guide you toward self-compassion and help you rebuild trust in yourself as you move forward.

Will therapy help me understand why the relationship ended?

A therapist can help you gently explore the patterns that contributed to the breakup, without assigning blame. Understanding these dynamics promotes growth, self-awareness, and healthier futures in all relationships.

Can counseling help with feeling isolated or lonely?

Yes, counseling is a safe place to talk about feelings of isolation. Your therapist can help you find new ways to connect with others and discover sources of support that honor who you are.

What if I don’t feel comfortable opening up right away?

It is completely normal to need time to trust your therapist and the process. You are welcome to go at a pace that feels safe for you, and your counselor will respect your boundaries at every step.

What kinds of goals can I work on in therapy after a breakup?

Therapy can support a variety of goals, including managing emotional distress, restoring self-esteem, navigating co-parenting or blended family issues, and rebuilding a sense of purpose in your new chapter.

Is therapy confidential?

Your privacy matters. Sessions are confidential and your experiences are respected in every interaction, no matter your background, family structure, or circumstances.

Who can benefit from divorce counseling?

Divorce counseling is valuable for anyone navigating the end of a committed relationship, regardless of your background, age, or how long you were together. Whether you are recently separated, in the process of divorce, or adjusting to post-divorce life, professional support can help you process emotions, adapt to change, and move forward with confidence.

Do I have to go through counseling with my former partner?

Many individuals choose to attend divorce counseling on their own to focus on their personal healing. However, if you and your former partner wish to attend sessions together for cooperative co-parenting or smoother transitions, that is also possible.

Is divorce counseling inclusive of diverse families and relationships?

Absolutely. At Maplewood Counseling, we are committed to creating a safe, supportive space for people of all backgrounds, identities, and family structures. We honor your unique experiences and tailor guidance to fit your needs.

What can I expect during a session?

You can expect a compassionate, judgment-free environment where your feelings are validated and respected. Sessions typically focus on processing emotions, developing coping strategies, improving communication, and supporting your long-term well-being.

How do I know if I need divorce counseling?

If you are struggling to cope, feeling overwhelmed by emotions, facing difficulty co-parenting, or experiencing major life adjustments, seeking counseling can offer clarity and support. Even if you simply want a confidential space to talk, therapy can be a helpful step.

Are virtual sessions available?

Yes, we offer both in-person and virtual sessions to fit your preferences and lifestyle. Our goal is to make support as accessible and comfortable as possible.

You do not have to carry this heavy burden alone. Transform your current challenges into a foundation for personal growth and lasting peace. Whether you prefer the comfort of virtual sessions or the connection of an in-person visit, we are here to support you every step of the way.

Are you ready to start your journey toward healing? Reach out to Maplewood Counseling today to schedule your first session. Let us help you empower your future and rebuild a life that you truly love.

Helpful Resources

 

How to Avoid a Nasty Divorce: A Guide for Co-Parents

How to Avoid a Nasty Divorce: A Guide for Co-Parents

Guide for Co-Parents to Avoid a Nasty Divorce

 

How to Avoid a Nasty Divorce: A Guide for Co-Parents

Are you feeling overwhelmed by the prospect of separating from your partner? Does the thought of a “messy” divorce keep you up at night? You are not alone in these fears. Ending a marriage is one of the most stressful life events anyone can go through, but it does not have to be a war.

The narrative that all divorces must be bitter battles is outdated. It is entirely possible to uncouple with dignity, respect, and compassion. When you focus on the well-being of your children and your own emotional health, you can transform this difficult transition into a foundation for a new, healthier chapter.

This guide is here to support you. We will explore actionable strategies to maintain civility, protect your children from conflict, and communicate effectively during this sensitive time.

Prioritize the “We” in Co-Parenting

When emotions run high, it is easy to lose sight of the bigger picture. However, if you are parents, your relationship is changing, not ending. You are moving from spouses to co-parents. This shift requires a new mindset where the children’s well-being is the “North Star” guiding every decision.

Shield Children from Adult Conflict

Children are incredibly perceptive. They absorb tension even when words aren’t spoken. To protect them, agree with your co-parent to keep adult discussions away from little ears.

  • Designate a “Business” Time: Schedule specific times to discuss logistics, finances, or schedules when the children are not present.
  • Create a Safe Zone: Ensure your home remains a place of peace for your kids, not a battleground for unresolved marital issues.
  • United Front: When explaining the changes to your children, present a unified, reassuring message: “We love you, and we will always be your parents.”

Refrain from Negative Talk

It can be tempting to vent about your ex-partner to anyone who will listen, but doing so in front of your children can be damaging. Your child is made of both of you; when you criticize their other parent, they may internalize that criticism as a flaw in themselves.

Instead, encourage their relationship with the other parent. When you support their bond with your ex, you are actually strengthening your own relationship with your child by showing them safety and maturity.

Communication Strategies for Civility

How do you speak to someone who may have hurt you deeply? It is a challenge, but effective communication is the single most important tool in avoiding a nasty divorce.

Treat It Like a Business Partnership

Imagine your co-parenting relationship is a small business where the “product” is raising happy, healthy children. In a business setting, you wouldn’t scream at a colleague or send passive-aggressive emails. You would be professional, brief, and focused on the task at hand.

Adopt this professional persona. When you communicate, ask yourself: Is this helpful? Is it necessary? Is it kind? If the answer is no, take a pause before hitting send.

Use “I” Statements

Conflict often escalates when we use accusatory language. Phrases starting with “You always…” or “You never…” put the other person on the defensive immediately.

Try shifting to “I” statements that express your needs without attacking.

  • Instead of: “You never pick up the kids on time.”
  • Try: “I feel anxious when the schedule changes last minute. Can we agree on a set pickup time?”

This small shift reduces hostility and invites cooperation rather than combat.

Navigating the Legal and Financial Landscape

Money and legal proceedings are often the fuel for a high-conflict divorce. However, transparency and fairness can douse those flames before they spread.

Choose Mediation Over Litigation

Is a courtroom battle truly necessary for your family? For many couples, mediation is a compassionate alternative. In mediation, a neutral third party helps you and your spouse reach an agreement together.

This process is generally less adversarial, less expensive, and faster than traditional litigation. It gives you more control over the outcome, rather than leaving deeply personal decisions in the hands of a judge who doesn’t know your family.

Be Transparent with Finances

Hiding assets or being secretive about finances breeds mistrust. To avoid a nasty divorce, commit to full financial disclosure early in the process. When both parties feel the financial split is fair and transparent, anxiety decreases significantly. This isn’t just about money; it’s about demonstrating respect for the life you built together.

Emotional Self-Care is Not Optional

You cannot pour from an empty cup. Maintaining your composure during a divorce requires a deep reservoir of emotional strength. If you are running on fumes, you are more likely to react impulsively or angrily.

Build Your Support System

Relying solely on your soon-to-be ex for emotional closure is rarely effective. Instead, lean on trusted friends, family, or a professional therapist. A counselor can provide a safe, confidential space to process your grief, anger, and fear without those emotions spilling over into your legal negotiations or parenting time.

Practice Empathy

This is perhaps the hardest tip, but also the most transformative. Try to view the situation from your partner’s perspective. They are likely hurting, scared, and unsure of the future, just like you. Acknowledging their pain—even silently—can soften your heart and lower the temperature of your interactions.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

We understand you likely have many questions swirling in your mind. Here are answers to some common concerns co-parents have during this transition.

How do we start the separation process without fighting?

Start by setting ground rules for engagement. Agree on a time to talk when you are both calm. Use a therapist or mediator to facilitate that first difficult conversation if you fear it might escalate. Frame the separation as a mutual problem to solve (“How do we transition our family?”) rather than a battle to win.

What if my co-parent refuses to be civil?

You can only control your own behavior. If your co-parent is hostile, maintain your boundaries and stick to professional communication. Do not take the bait. By consistently responding with calmness and brevity, you often defuse the conflict because you aren’t providing the reaction they are looking for.

Is “staying together for the kids” better than divorcing?

Research generally shows that children thrive in stability and peace. Living in a home filled with chronic conflict, tension, or resentment can be more damaging to children than a peaceful separation. Two happy homes are often better than one miserable one.

How can I cope with the loneliness of divorce?

Loneliness is a natural part of the process. Reframe this time as an opportunity to reconnect with yourself. meaningful hobbies, reconnect with old friends, and allow yourself to grieve. Remember, this feeling is temporary. You are healing, and healing takes time.

Moving Forward with Hope

A divorce marks the end of a marriage, but it is not the end of your family. By choosing respect over resentment and communication over conflict, you are paving the way for a future where you, your co-parent, and your children can thrive.

It takes immense courage to choose the high road when you are hurting. But looking back years from now, you will be proud that you handled this transition with grace.

If you are struggling to navigate these waters alone, we are here to help. Whether you need guidance on communication, support for your children, or a space to heal, reach out to us today. Let’s work together to build a peaceful future for your family.

Helpful Resources