Healing After an Affair with Children: A Parent’s Guide
Healing After an Affair: Protecting Your Children
by Debra Feinberg LCSW ( Reviewer)
At Maplewood Counseling, we provide inclusive care for people of all races, cultures, and backgrounds, including interfaith, interracial, BIPOC, LGBTQIA+, and blended families. Our therapists bring lived experiences and specialized training to create a safe, affirming space for all.

Discovering infidelity is a devastating blow to any relationship. The foundation of trust shatters, and the future you imagined together becomes uncertain. When children are part of the picture, the situation grows infinitely more complex. Your personal heartbreak is now intertwined with your responsibility as parents. You’re not just navigating your own pain; you’re trying to shield your children from the fallout.
You may be asking yourselves how you can possibly hold your family together when your partnership feels broken. How do you protect your children’s well-being while your own world is in chaos? These are valid and important questions. It’s possible to navigate this crisis with compassion and intention. Healing after an affair is a difficult journey, but when children are involved, finding a way to create stability and security becomes the most critical mission.
Your Children’s World Has Changed, Too
Even if your children don’t know the specifics of the affair, they are highly perceptive. They sense the tension, the quiet arguments, and the emotional distance between you. Their sense of security is directly tied to the stability of their parents’ relationship. The emotional storm you’re experiencing can create waves that disrupt their world, even when you try your best to hide it.
It’s essential to recognize that your children are also navigating a loss—the loss of the family dynamic they once knew. They may show their distress in different ways, such as acting out, becoming withdrawn, or experiencing anxiety. Your first priority must be to create a united front as parents, even when you feel worlds apart as partners.
Co-Parenting Through the Crisis: A United Front
Your role as partners may be in question, but your role as parents is permanent. Co-parenting effectively during this time is not just beneficial; it’s necessary for your children’s emotional health.
Step 1: Agree on a Shared Narrative
You and your partner need to decide what you will tell the children, if anything. This should be age-appropriate and agreed upon by both of you. For younger children, a simple explanation like, “Mommy and Daddy are working through some difficult grown-up problems, but we both love you very much,” is often enough. For teenagers, you might need to offer a bit more context without sharing inappropriate details. The key is consistency.
Step 2: Keep Conflicts Away from the Children
This may be the hardest rule to follow, but it’s the most important. Never argue, discuss the affair, or place blame in front of your children. They should never be put in a position to take sides or feel responsible for adult problems. Designate specific times and private spaces to have these difficult conversations.
Step 3: Maintain Routines and Normalcy
Children thrive on predictability. As much as possible, keep their daily routines consistent. School schedules, mealtimes, bedtime rituals, and extracurricular activities provide a sense of normalcy when the emotional environment at home feels unstable. This consistency reassures them that their world is not falling apart.
Rebuilding Trust as a Family Unit
Healing after an affair with children involved means you are not just rebuilding trust between two people; you are working to restore the integrity of the entire family. This is a slow, deliberate process.
Demonstrating Respect and Kindness
Your children learn how to treat people by watching you. Even when you are hurt and angry, modeling respectful communication with your partner is a powerful lesson. This doesn’t mean you have to pretend everything is fine. It means choosing your words carefully and avoiding name-calling or yelling, especially within earshot of the kids.
Creating New Family Memories
While it may feel difficult at first, making an effort to create new, positive family experiences can help repair the emotional fabric of your home. Start small. A family movie night, a walk in the park, or cooking a meal together can begin to re-establish a sense of connection. These moments of shared joy can be healing for everyone and remind you of the love that still exists within your family.
Showing a United Front in Public
Presenting as a cohesive parenting team is vital. Attending parent-teacher conferences together, showing up to your child’s soccer game on the same sideline, and celebrating birthdays as a family sends a strong message to your children (and to yourselves) that you are still a family, no matter the challenges you face as a couple.
When to Seek Professional Support
Navigating infidelity is one of the most difficult challenges a couple can face. Adding the responsibility of parenting through the crisis can feel impossible to manage alone. If you are struggling to communicate, if the conflict is seeping into your family life, or if you see signs of distress in your children, it is time to seek help.
Couples counseling can provide a safe, neutral space to process the betrayal and decide on a path forward. Family therapy or individual play therapy for your children can also offer them the support they need to navigate their own complex feelings. You don’t have to carry this burden alone.
If you’re ready to take the first step toward healing your relationship and protecting your family, we are here to support you. Contact Maplewood Counseling today to learn how we can help you find a path to recovery and create a stronger, more resilient family unit.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
Q: Should we tell our children about the affair?
A: The answer depends heavily on your children’s ages and maturity levels. For young children, it is often best to keep explanations simple and focused on reassurance. For older teens, more transparency might be necessary, but it should still be handled delicately and without blame. It is crucial that both partners agree on what will be shared beforehand.
Q: How can we stop fighting in front of the kids when we are so angry?
A: Agree on a “ceasefire” word or signal. When one of you uses it, the conversation must stop immediately and be tabled for a later, private time. It’s about prioritizing your children’s well-being over the need to be “right” in the moment. This takes incredible self-discipline but is essential.
Q: My partner who had the affair wants to act like a “perfect parent” now, and it makes me angry. How do I handle this?
A: It is common for the unfaithful partner to overcompensate out of guilt. Acknowledge these feelings in private with your partner or a therapist. While it’s frustrating, try to see their effort as a positive step toward family healing. Your children will benefit from having an engaged parent, even if the motivation is complicated.
Q: Can our family ever be happy again after this?
A: Yes, healing is possible. The family that emerges on the other side of this crisis will be different, but it can be just as strong and happy, if not more so. The process requires immense work, commitment to honesty, and a shared focus on what is best for the children. Many families find that surviving this challenge ultimately deepens their appreciation for one another.
If you’re feeling uncertain or overwhelmed as you move forward, you don’t have to manage these challenges alone. The experienced therapists at Maplewood Counseling can help guide your family through the healing process with care, empathy, and proven strategies for recovery. Reach out today to schedule a confidential consultation and take the next step in protecting your family’s well-being and future.—
In-person and virtual appointments available for individuals, couples, and families.
Helpful Resources for Couples Seeking Counseling
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Couples Counseling Guide
Get an in-depth overview of what to expect in couples therapy, including how it works, common goals, and tips for success. Learn more -
Effective Communication in Relationships
Learn practical tips and strategies to improve communication and strengthen your connection with your partner. Learn more -
Conflict Resolution for Couples
Discover healthy ways to navigate disagreements and resolve conflicts in your relationship. Learn more -
Rebuilding Trust After Betrayal
Explore steps to rebuild trust and heal your relationship after infidelity or other breaches of trust. Learn more -
Premarital Counseling for Couples
Prepare for a strong and lasting marriage with premarital counseling tailored to your unique needs. Learn more -
Managing Stress in Relationships
Learn how to manage external stressors and maintain a healthy, supportive partnership. Learn more