Maplewood Counseling
Select Page

The Silent Drift: Why Couples Grow Apart (And How to Find Your Way Back)

 

Why Couples Drift Apart & How Counseling Helps Relationships

By Debra Feinberg, LCSW, Robert Jenkins, LCSW (Reviewed by Senior Level Therapists)

It often starts quietly. There’s no explosion, no slamming doors, no sudden crisis. Instead, it’s a missed text here, a distracted dinner there, or a feeling that you are just “managing” a household rather than sharing a life. You might look across the table at your partner and wonder, “Do they even know me anymore?” Or perhaps harder still, “Do I even know them?”

If this resonates with you, take a deep breath. You are not failing. You are experiencing one of the most common, yet least talked about, challenges in modern relationships: the silent drift.

At Maplewood Counseling, we see couples every day who love each other deeply but have lost the map to each other’s inner worlds. Whether you’re currently navigating challenges like communication breakdowns, rebuilding trust after infidelity, or working through life transitions such as parenting challenges, you’re not alone. For those looking for an overview of our supportive services, visit our page on relationship counseling. This isn’t about assigning blame; it’s about understanding the terrain. Let’s explore why this drift happens and, more importantly, how you can chart a course back to connection.

Beyond the “Communication Problem”

When couples come to us, they almost always say, “We have communication issues.” And while that is often true, “communication” is usually just the symptom. The root cause is often a breakdown in emotional safety.

Emotional safety is the knowing—deep in your bones—that you can share your true thoughts, fears, and hurts without being dismissed, ridiculed, or fixed. When that safety erodes, we stop sharing. We start protecting ourselves. We drift.

The “Roommate Phase” Trap

Have you ever felt like you are running a small business with your partner? You discuss logistics, schedules, bills, and maybe the kids’ activities, but the conversation rarely goes deeper. This is often called the “roommate phase.”

It happens because logistics are safe. They are tangible. Asking “How are you really feeling about your career?” or “I miss you, can we spend time together?” feels vulnerable. It risks rejection or conflict. So, we stick to the safe topics, and over time, the emotional distance grows into a chasm.

3 Hidden Drivers of Relationship Disconnection

To reconnect, we first need to identify what is driving the wedge between you.

1. The unspoken expectations

We all enter relationships with a backpack full of silent expectations—often learned from our own parents or past experiences. You might expect affection to look like grand gestures, while your partner thinks affection is doing the dishes without being asked. When these invisible scripts clash, resentment builds.

2. The bid for connection—ignored

Renowned relationship researchers call these “bids.” A bid is any attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection. It can be as simple as, “Wow, look at that bird,” or as deep as, “I had a really hard day.”

When we turn towards these bids, we build credit in the relationship bank account. When we turn away (ignoring them) or against (responding with hostility), we withdraw funds. Chronic turning away is a major predictor of relationship decline.

3. The fear of conflict

Many of us were taught that fighting is bad. But silence can be far more destructive. Avoiding difficult conversations doesn’t make the issue disappear; it just buries it alive. Unresolved conflict festers, turning into sarcasm, passive-aggressiveness, or emotional withdrawal. Healthy conflict is not about winning; it’s about understanding.

Reclaiming Your Narrative: How to reconnect

The good news? The drift is reversible. It doesn’t require a complete personality overhaul or a tropical vacation (though those are nice). It requires small, intentional shifts in how you relate to one another.

Step 1: Replace judgment with curiosity

When your partner does something that frustrates you, your immediate reaction might be judgment: “They are so lazy,” or “They don’t care about me.”

Try to shift that to curiosity. Ask yourself, “Why might they be acting this way?” Then, ask them.

  • Instead of: “You never listen to me.”
  • Try: “I’m feeling unheard right now, and it’s making me feel lonely. Can we take five minutes to really check in?”

Step 2: The 6-Second Kiss

It sounds simple, but physical touch is a powerful biological regulator. Dr. John Gottman suggests a six-second kiss is long enough to create a moment of genuine connection and release oxytocin (the bonding hormone). It says, “I see you. I am here with you.” Try making this a ritual when you leave or return home.

Step 3: Schedule “State of the Union” Meetings

This isn’t about logistics. Once a week, sit down for 20 minutes to talk about the relationship itself.

  • What went well this week?
  • What felt hard?
  • How can I make you feel more loved next week?

This creates a contained, safe space to address small issues before they become big resentments.

When Is It Time for Couples Counseling?

There is a myth that counseling is a last resort—something you do when the papers are already drafted. In reality, the most successful couples view counseling as preventative care, much like going to the gym or the dentist.

You don’t need to be in crisis to benefit from a third party. A therapist provides a neutral ground where you can learn the tools that no one ever taught us in school: how to fight fair, how to listen actively, and how to heal old wounds.

At Maplewood Counseling, we specialize in helping couples navigate a wide range of challenges, drawing from our experience in couples therapy, marriage counseling, and guidance on blended family concerns. If you’re struggling with ongoing conflict, you might also benefit from our resources on anger management as part of your relationship journey.

  • Communication breakdowns: Moving from shouting (or silence) to understanding.
  • Intimacy issues: Reconnecting physically and emotionally.
  • Trust recovery: Healing from infidelity or broken promises.
  • Life transitions: Parenting, career changes, or grief.
Book Your Session

Frequently Asked Questions About Couples Counseling

We know that reaching out for help can feel intimidating. Here are answers to some common questions we hear.

Does couples counseling really work if only one of us wants to go?

Ideally, both partners participate. However, if your partner is hesitant, individual therapy can still be incredibly beneficial. You can learn strategies to change your own patterns, which often shifts the dynamic of the relationship. Sometimes, seeing one partner make positive changes encourages the other to join in.

Will the therapist take sides?

Absolutely not. A skilled couples therapist views the relationship as the client, not the individuals. Our role is not to be a referee or judge, but to be a neutral guide who helps both of you feel heard and understood. We are on the side of a healthier partnership.

What if we don’t have “big” problems, just a feeling of distance?

That is actually the perfect time to come in. Addressing the “drift” early is much easier than trying to repair years of resentment. Counseling can help deepen your bond and give you tools to prevent future crises.

Is counseling inclusive of LGBTQ+ relationships or non-traditional partnerships?

Yes. At Maplewood Counseling, we are committed to providing a safe, affirming, and inclusive space for all relationships. Love is complex, and we honor the unique dynamics of every partnership, regardless of gender identity, sexual orientation, or relationship structure.

How long does couples therapy take?

There is no set timeline. Some couples come for a few sessions to navigate a specific transition, while others find value in longer-term support to undo deep-seated patterns. We will work with you to establish goals and a pace that feels right for your needs.

 

You Don’t Have to Navigate This Alone

If you are feeling the distance, know that it doesn’t have to be permanent. The gap between you and your partner can be bridged. It takes courage to say, “I miss us,” and even more courage to ask for help.

We are here to walk that path with you. whether you need to resolve a specific conflict or simply want to find your way back to the friendship that started it all, we are ready to listen.

Are you ready to reconnect? Contact Maplewood Counseling today to schedule your first session, or explore more about our couples counseling, telehealth couples counseling , and relationship communication tips to take positive steps toward a stronger partnership.

Get Care Now

Helpful Resources