Maplewood Counseling
Why Does Infidelity Happen?

Why Does Infidelity Happen?

Anxiety, Depression, Grief, Relationships

INFIDELITY THERAPY NEAR ME NJ 

 

Coping with Infidelity?
Get Help Recovering & Trusting Again
In-Person & Online Therapy

Contact Us | Trusted Infidelity Therapists

Get in Touch Today

Why Does Infidelity Happen?

 

Understanding and dealing with infidelity

Infidelity is common in today’s society, and yet, it’s a taboo that has existed for centuries. Relationships and marriages suffer when infidelity occurs. The deceived partner generally feels hurt and lost, or perhaps angry and betrayed. The partner having the affair might feel guilty and terrible about the harm and hurt feelings they’ve caused.

It’s a fact that many people have been exposed to affairs. Perhaps they experienced it as a child, seeing affairs occur in their parent’s marriage. Or, perhaps they found out about friends or relatives involved in affairs. Or, maybe they took part in an affair themselves. Then, there’s the flip side, being the one whose partner had an affair.

So…why do people cheat?

Esther Perel, a psychotherapist, who is a leading expert on relationship counseling, raises meaningful questions in her TED Talk video entitled “Rethinking Infidelity…a talk for anyone who has ever loved.”

The questions she raises dig deep into the reasons that affairs occur. Her talk also offers hope for those who want to restore their relationship after an affair. Of course, the reasons for an affair can vary from couple to couple. However, infidelity often shares common denominators.

Questions that help provide guidance during counseling

A question for both partners of a couple to answer:

Does the affair have to be the end of your relationship?

Questions for the partner who had the affair:

  • What made you want to have an affair? Was it for the sex? Or was it for the attention, the desire to feel special or important?
  • Did you experience a loss prior to having the affair—for example the loss of a parent, a friend, a career, or bad news from a doctor?
  • Were you happy with your partner but looking for a deeper emotional connection, for novelty, autonomy or sexual intensity?
  • Was your marriage already dying and the affair was simply the final straw?
  • Did the secretive relationship make you feel more alive? Were you attracted because it was a taboo, something you shouldn’t do?
  • Were you trying to find a different aspect of yourself, perhaps be a different or better version of yourself in a new relationship?
  • Are you sorry that having an affair hurt your partner?

For the partner deceived by the affair:

  • Did discovering the affair make you doubt yourself? Did you wonder who you were and if you had value?
  • Could you no longer trust your partner? Did you start distrusting other people in general?
  • Were you upset because you thought you had a happy relationship and didn’t understand why your partner would stray?
  • Do you wonder what your partner found through the affair that they believed they couldn’t experience with you?
  • Did you feel like you were no longer special—you weren’t “the one” anymore?
  • After discovering the affair, did you feel a loss of identity, like you didn’t know who you were?
  • Did you feel your partner lied to you, “you’re crazy, nothing is happening” and feel gaslighting was making you doubt yourself and your gut?
  • Even though you never had an affair, did you betray your partner in other ways? Through condemnation, criticism, neglect, indifference or perhaps even violence?

Find out how relationship counseling can help

With any difficulty that arises in life, it’s possible to emerge from it with a broader perspective and a deeper understanding. Finding ways to rediscover joy and meaning in life is vital for everyone.

Whether or not you stay together and recreate your relationship is a decision that you as a couple will make. Either way, exploring the issues underlying infidelity can offer an opportunity for you both to grow as individuals.

Contact us about relationship counseling and discover what answers are true for you.

Contact Maplewoood Counseling

Affair With A Coworker

Relationships

 
 
 

Affair with a Coworker ?

Couples or Individual Counseling

Contact Maplewoood Counseling

Affair with a Coworker 

Coping with work related infidelity? 

Are you dealing with a spouse or partner that’s having an affair with a coworker? Are you the one that’s involved and need help figuring out how to cope with the emotional fallout at home or work? Maybe you never thought you would be caught up in a situation like this and now you are dealing with fear, anger, pain and other difficult emotions.

Does this sound familiar?

  • It started out as an innocent friendship and developed into much more
  • You are hiding in appropriate texts and other correspondence from a coworker because you know it’s wrong
  • You’ve been lying to your spouse or partner about the emotional or sexual affair
  • You just found out about the affair your partner is having with a male or female coworker and are devastated

There are many reasons an affair starts at work. Maybe you’re enjoying the attention from a coworker and that attention becomes hard to resist in spite of your best judgment. Or possibly some men and women do not have clear boundaries when it comes to inappropriate conversations, which can lead to problems down the road. Others may be more vulnerable to an affair if they are not feeling connected or happy at home. Many couple don’t seek professional help because they don’t think of it, don’t think it will help or one person is not willing to go.

There’s no doubt that affairs are very painful and damage trust in your relationship.  Ending the affair with a coworker can be challenging on many fronts, but puts your marriage at great risk if you don’t.

Affair with a Coworker | What makes it difficult to Cope? 

  • Firstly, you still have to see the person on a daily basis if you may not have the option to leave.
  • Secondly, you may have become emotionally attached and letting go will be painful.
  • Lastly, you may not know how to deal with the different aspects of the and affair because of fear of what will happen. 

If you are having an affair with a coworker or or you were the spouse of someone who has been unfaithful with someone at work, get in touch

Contact Maplewoood Counseling

Denying an Affair?

Anxiety, Depression, Relationships

 
 
 

Denying An Affair?
Scared to Tell The Truth?

Contact Maplewoood Counseling

You or Your Partner Denying An Affair?

 

Is denying an affair causing causing pain and mistrust? Does this sounds familiar?

  • Are you lying repeatedly when your partner or spouse questions you?
  • Are you gaslighting your spouse ( “ you’re crazy, nothings going on. It’s all in your head” )?
  • Is it making you feel lousy about lying and hurting your partner?
  • Is it hard to let go of something that feels good?
  • Are you worried what will happen when you and the affair ( Will the person act out and contact your partner or spouse? )
  • Do you need help ending the affair and the fear of being honest with your partner?
  • Do you worry about losing your relationship or marriage?

There are so many problems that arise from an affair. Living a double life and secretly texting, calling and meeting the person you’re having an affair with – and lying about it causes damage on many levels. There are some men and women that want to stop the affair and don’t know how. There are others that know that they’ll feel loss when they give up whatever the affair is making them feel ( not wanting to let go of the attention or feeling special or maybe you fear what will happen when you do come clean).

On the other hand, maybe your spouse or partner finally came forward with “proof” after denying an affair and there’s no disputing it. What do you do then?

It depends. According to sex therapist and infidelity specialist Esther Perel, there are three main reasons people seek out affairs

  1.  it’s a wake up call to a relationship that has been disconnected and needs some changes here
  2.  The relationship has been so bad and unhappy for so long that an affair can be the last straw for a relationship that’s already “dying on the vine “
  3.   Sometimes it doesn’t have anything to do with the relationship and it’s more of personal Journey Or something meaningful about the relationship.

Are you feeling insecure and sense your husband or wife is involved with a coworker or someone else? Do you have a strong gut feeling and know that your partner or spouse is doing something inappropriate. Do you feel betrayed and confused? Are they very protective about their phone or email? Do you need help with what to do about this situation for yourself?

Or are you a wife or husband that is stuck and feeling trapped in a bad situation regarding an emotional or physical affair. Do you fear that being honest about the infidelity will end your marriage or relationship? Do you want it to end?

If you are denying an affair ( or feel your spouse is denying the affair ) and need help sorting through feelings and steps to take, get in touch

Contact Maplewoood Counseling

&nbsp:
 
 
Trying to End An Affiar?

Dealing With An Emotional Affair

Relationships

Having An Emotional Affair ?

Need Help now?

Contact Maplewoood Counseling

Dealing With An Emotional Affair

The Emotional Affair

An emotional affair can be devastating for a couple. The same feelings can get triggered as an actual sexual affair. For the same reasons. 

When you are the one having emotional affair – Emotional affairs can cause a lot of damage to your relationship. Maybe you think it’s not so bad since you were just having conversations with other women or men. What’s the big deal if it’s not a physical or sexual affair. However, lying and hiding things, being dishonest and sharing intimate thoughts and feelings with someone else is betrayal.  Infidelity usually starts with flirting and can always lead to more involvement. Especially when both people are on the same page. You’re definitely playing with fire.

Letting go of the attention is hard sometimes – It may be hard to stop the affair since you are enjoying the attention and the way it makes you feel. It might be especially hard thing to give up if you’ve been feeling distant or having other issues affecting your marriage. This also goes for couples that are not married.

The Emotional Affair 

When your partner had or is having an emotional affair  – Maybe you felt there’s something wrong for a long time. You noticed different behavior. Maybe it was with a coworker or an online affair. Something was off. You may even have confronted your partner about your suspicions only to have him or her deny anything is going on. But your gut continued to tell you something was mot right.

So what should you do?

If possible, sitting down with an experienced therapist can help you sort through these issues. Sometimes one person will not cooperate and go to counseling, but don’t let that stop you from getting help if you need it. Even by yourself.

If you just found out about the emotional affair by finding something like an inappropriate text or if your partner finally confessed, it’s time to think about the next step. Of course it’s completely devastating to find this out and/or finally have it validated. And in a way it also feels good that you weren’t crazy after all if you suspected.

Step-by-step healing.

First of all, the emotional affair must stop immediately if you are going to start working on building trust back again. For the person having the affair, this might be challenging if you will feel pain giving up something that made you feel good. If you don’t want to lose your marriage or relationship over it, it’s important to think about how much more pain you’ll be in if you don’t stop.

Why did I do it? This is a question many people ask when they have done something like an emotional affair and even infidelity that involves a sexual component. Many trustworthy, good people end up in this place. It’s something that they would never ever have thought they would do and always judge other people. Now you know it can happen to good people and good relationships. 

Important to understand why this happened and what you can do to heal your relationship. Sometimes the person who had the emotional affair can benefit from his or her own individual counseling to understand what happened and/or to get help letting go.

If you need help with an emotional affair as a couple or individual, please get in touch with us.

Contact Maplewoood Counseling

Made a Mistake?

Anxiety, Depression, Relationships

Made a Relationship Mistake?

Relationship Counseling NJ

Infidelity, Affairs, Cheating

Contact Maplewoood Counseling

When a Mistake Causes Suffering

Have you made a huge mistake in your life that’s causing you and another person in a lot of pain? Seems like you may have screwed things up so much that you’re not sure if the relationship will survive?

What should you do now? Maybe you lied and betrayed your spouse and know a sincere apology just won’t be enough. We are human and we all make mistakes. However, some can lead to devastating consequences.

If the relationship its going to heal there are a few things that will help. First of all, A genuine, empathetic apology is important. Admit you made a mistake and ask for forgiveness. Also, you must take responsibility. So if you were thoughtless, selfish, admit it. Your partner may not be ready to hear anything and you must respect the pace he or she needs.

In addition, this is not a one time deal when it comes to repairing broken trust. Healing is going to take time and patience. Even if you are both willing to work on things, progress will take steady, hard work. Over time, reflecting on the understanding prior relationship problems is important. But, not at first.

Repair After a Mistake

Many good people make mistakes. Sometimes you end up doing something you never thought possible. You were never the type of man or woman that would have an affair or betray your spouse. Maybe you judged others harshly thinking it would never happen to you. Then, you realize it can happen to good people – with strong family values.

Most couples need help recovering from such a painful event. If you need help, get in touch.

Contact Maplewoood Counseling

 

 
 Find a Relationship Counselor in NJ

Steps for An Unfaithful Spouse

Anxiety, Depression, Relationships

Unfaithful Spouse
Help with Infidelity

Counseling After An Affair

Contact Maplewoood Counseling

Unfaithful Spouse in Need of Help?

Are you an unfaithful spouse or partner that wants to save your marriage or relationship? This can be very painful and many some relationships may not recover. Therefore, it is very important to understand the steps you can take and things to avoid if you want to help your partner heal over time.

Most importantly, the affair must stop for any healing to begin. You must stop seeing your lover immediately and if you need help doing this, seek professional help. If you continue the affair there can not be any authentic healing.

What can an Unfaithful Spouse do?

Answer any questions you wife, husband or partner may have. Because, it is not an easy process and will take time. Some couples want a safe place such as a therapy office to help navigate the emotions that will get triggered by answering the questions in an honest way. Besides, some questions may not help the relationship heal so there are certain ways to approach these conversation.

Listen and validate, validate, validate. Listening and showing empathy is very important. Because it will not help your marriage if you defend yourself. You want to listen to your partner talk about his or her anger, sadness, disbelief, and any other feelings. Most importantly creating a very safe space for these emotions to be expressed, heard and validated.

An example of validation and this has to be done each and every time your partner brings up the affair. if your relationship can heal, it will be a process and it will take a tremendous amount of patience.

“I can’t believe you cheated. I am so angry”

Validation
“I’m sorry, you’re right. I screwed up and I’m very sorry. What do you need from me? Is there anything I can do?’

“What do you mean? This is your fault, you betrayed me and lied”

Validation
“I did and I’m so sorry. You have every right to be angry and hurt. I don’t know what else to say, but I do want us to work through this together”

How long does it take?

Don’t expect your spouse to forgive you right away. Besides=, If you can recover, forgiveness will take a long time. The grief from the affair is going to come up for a long time for most people. Therefore, You want to take responsibility and be there by listening to your partner take about his or her feelings and make sure you don’t convey you are tired of hearing it that will lead to greater disconnect than you are both already experiencing. Most importantly, Be there, listen and show empathy and understanding as long as it takes.

Continue to check in and ask your spouse or partner what they need, how they are doing, what they need from you. Initially you might hear ” what do you mean? you did this” and want space from you. Therefore, understand that as well and yeah out for professional help if you are both struggling to heal.

If you are an unfaithful spouse in need help get in touch.

Contact Maplewoood Counseling

 

  

 
 Help After Marital Infidelity