Maplewood Counseling

Cutting Ties: The Painful but Necessary Choice for Healing

 

Cutting Ties: When and Why to End a Relationship

By Debra Feinberg, LCSW, Robert Jenkins, LCSW (Reviewed by Senior Level Therapists)

Making the decision to cut someone out of your life is one of the heaviest choices you can make. It often comes after months, or even years, of trying to make things work. You may feel a mix of guilt, relief, and deep sadness. Whether it is a toxic family member, a friend you have outgrown, or a partner where the trust is irrevocably broken, severing that connection is a profound act of self-preservation.

We are often taught that relationships should be preserved at all costs—that family is forever and love conquers all. But what happens when a relationship consistently drains your energy, disrespects your boundaries, or harms your mental health? Sometimes, the most loving thing you can do for yourself is to say goodbye.

This isn’t about being cruel or impulsive. It is about recognizing that your well-being matters. If you are standing at this crossroads, wondering if it is time to walk away, know that you are not alone. Let’s explore why this happens, the impact it has, and how you can begin to heal.

Why Do We Reach the Breaking Point?

Cutting ties is rarely a sudden event. It is usually the final step in a long journey of hurt, disappointment, and exhaustion. Understanding the “why” can help you validate your decision and release some of the guilt you might be carrying.

When Trust is Shattered Beyond Repair

Trust is the foundation of any safe connection. When that foundation is cracked—through infidelity, repeated lies, or deep betrayal—rebuilding it can feel impossible. While some relationships can recover with hard work and therapy, sometimes the damage is too extensive. If you find yourself constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, or if your physical and emotional safety feels compromised, stepping away may be the only way to regain your peace.

The Weight of Unresolved Conflict

Every relationship has conflict. But healthy relationships have repair. When you are stuck in a cycle of endless arguments where nothing ever gets resolved, it takes a toll on your spirit. You might feel unheard, invalidated, or exhausted from having the same fight over and over again. When communication breaks down completely and there is no willingness from the other person to meet you halfway, the relationship ceases to be a partnership and becomes a burden.

Outgrowing the Connection

Not all cutting of ties comes from a place of malice. sometimes, we simply grow in different directions. The person you were ten years ago is not who you are today. You may find that old friendships or even family dynamics no longer align with your values or the life you are building. This “growing apart” can be painful, but clinging to a connection that no longer fits can prevent you from embracing your new reality.

Protecting Yourself from Toxicity

“Toxic” is a word we hear often, but its impact is very real. A toxic relationship is one where you consistently feel drained, manipulated, demeaned, or controlled. If interactions with someone leave you feeling anxious, depressed, or “less than,” it is a sign that the dynamic is unhealthy. Prioritizing your mental health means removing yourself from environments that make you sick. You deserve relationships that uplift you, not ones that tear you down.

The Emotional Impact of Letting Go

The act of cutting ties ripples outward, affecting everyone involved. It is important to be prepared for the emotional waves that follow.

For the Person Making the Choice

Even when you know it is the right decision, you might feel a profound sense of loss. It is normal to grieve the relationship you wished you had, rather than the one you actually had. You may also grapple with guilt—”Am I being selfish?” “Did I try hard enough?” Give yourself grace. Relief and grief can exist in the same space. As the initial storm settles, you will likely find a renewed sense of freedom and energy.

For the Person Being Cut Out

Being on the receiving end of this decision can be disorienting and painful. It can trigger deep feelings of rejection and abandonment. If you are in this position, try to view it as an opportunity for self-reflection rather than just an attack. It is a chance to examine your own behaviors and patterns, which can lead to your own personal growth, even if it feels incredibly hard right now.

How to Heal and Move Forward

Walking away is just the first step. The real work is in the healing that comes after. How do you rebuild your life and your heart after severing a significant tie?

Allow Yourself to Grieve

There is no timeline for healing. You are allowed to miss the person, even if they were bad for you. You are allowed to be angry. You are allowed to be sad. Feel your feelings fully without judgment. Suppressing them only prolongs the pain.

Set Firm Boundaries

Cutting ties often requires maintenance. If you have decided on no contact, stick to it. Block numbers, unfollow social media accounts, and politely decline updates from mutual friends if necessary. These boundaries are not punishments for the other person; they are protection for your peace of mind.

Focus on Your Own Growth

Use this newfound space in your life to invest in yourself. Reconnect with hobbies you neglected. Spend time with people who make you feel seen and loved. Rediscover who you are outside of that draining dynamic. This is your time to bloom.

Seek Professional Support

Navigating this transition can be overwhelming. You don’t have to carry the weight of it alone. A therapist can provide a safe, non-judgmental space to process your emotions, validate your experiences, and help you build a future defined by healthy, supportive connections.

A Future of Healthy Connections

Cutting ties is not an ending; it is a beginning. It is a declaration that you value yourself enough to say “no” to what hurts you so you can say “yes” to what heals you.

You deserve relationships that are reciprocal, respectful, and rooted in kindness. By clearing out the weeds, you make room for a garden of genuine connection to grow.

If you are struggling with the decision to cut ties, or if you are reeling from the aftermath of a broken relationship, we are here to support you. Let’s work together to help you find your footing and build the peaceful life you deserve.

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Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

Is it okay to cut off a family member?
Yes. While society places a high value on family loyalty, your mental health and safety come first. If a family member is abusive, toxic, or consistently disrespectful of your boundaries, you have the right to distance yourself to protect your well-being.

How do I deal with the guilt of cutting someone out?
Guilt is a common reaction, but it doesn’t mean you made the wrong choice. Remind yourself of the reasons why you left. Acknowledge that you cannot save everyone and that you are responsible for your own happiness. Therapy can be incredibly helpful in processing this guilt.

Can we ever reconcile after cutting ties?
Reconciliation is possible, but it requires genuine change and effort from both parties. It usually happens after a significant period of time and self-work. However, you should never feel obligated to reconcile if it threatens your peace or safety.

What if we have mutual friends or children?
This complicates things, but boundaries are still key. You may need to practice “civil detachment”—interacting only when necessary, keeping conversations brief and factual, and avoiding emotional engagement. In the case of children, prioritize their well-being and avoid putting them in the middle of the conflict.

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