Some married couples have grown so disconnected overtime that one or both people are ready for a split. You either have been grieving for a long time quietly, maybe alone… and you’ve agonized about this decision for a long time – maybe sharing the Divorce word over and over with your spouse or keeping all of those thoughts to yourself.
It is more rare that both people are on the same page when it comes to ending the marriage.
Does this sound familiar?
You’ve tried for so long to deal with your negative feelings about your spouse
There has been so much disconnect over a long period of time that it’s hard to come back and connect again
You’ve been on the receiving end of so much emotional, mental, verbal abuse or neglect that you just feel done and need help figuring out the next step.
You’ve been working so hard to try and make things better and to make those feelings go away
You feel guilty and don’t want to hurt your husband or wife and tell them you want to divorce
You don’t know what to do and need some help to discuss things in a safe place with a therapist to guide you
Divorce and Breaking up whether you’re married or partnered is painful. Even if you’re with the one that feels like you need to separate, it is not easy.
If you need help from a nonjudgmental, safe relationship or marriage counselor to discuss your feelings and concerns, feel free to get in touch.
When you’re unhappy and trying o figure out the best path forward, counseling can help. Sometimes the relationship can improve and other times, it might best to separate. We help couples trying to decide wha tis best.
Can We Resolve Our Issues?
Disconnected? Been through so much and not sure you can heal from all that has not been working in your marriage or relationship? Need a professional to help you discuss? We can help.
Can We Work Things Out?
Maybe one of you wants to work things out and the other is on the fence or feeling “done”. Counseling can provide a safe place to have this discussion to help you figure things out.
What is Discernment Counseling?
Discerment counseling is a type of counseling that offers disconnected , unhappy, and/or frustrated couples a safe space to discuss what makes sense in terms of the future of their relationship. Couples at a point asking “should we stay together or not” can benefit from discernemnt counseling. Some will decide to commit to therapy for a period of time to see if things can change for the better. Others might decide the best thing is to separate, divorce, or slit up. Typically it is a short term 4-5 session process that helps couples (married and sometimes coupled) decide on a the best path forward. In Discernment Counseling, your therapist will spend some time together with the couple as well as some individual sessions to gain and undestanding of each person’s feelings, experiences, and thoughts about realtionship to fully assess and assist the couple in the decision process.
Discernment Counseling
Helping You Discern the Best Path Forward
Should We Stay Together or split up?
Are you unhappy in your marriage? Are you and your spouse looking for a therapist to help you make some important decisions? Wonder if you should stay and work on marriage or figure out the best way of calling it quits and moving on?
Discernment counseling is a type of therapy couples do when they’re trying to decide whether they need to let go of the marriage. Most couples go to marriage counseling to deal with issues in the marriage and as hard as it’s been, both are committed to working on the relationship. Maybe they are looking to improve communication, find ways to get more connected and deal with conflict. Some men or women are feeling so frustrated, disappointed, sad or angry that divorce becomes a frequent topic. Usually one person has lost hope that things will even be different.
Why Discernment Counseling ?
Discernment counseling helps a couple figure out whether they can stay together or not. Some couples don’t discuss splitting up or divorce on their own and need a safe place to discuss difficult issues. The therapist can help you explore the relationship and where each person is at and why.
Most of the time a couple is not on the same page when it comes to wanting to split up, so it’s important to discern whether there’s anything they can do or if the couple is going to be taking the next step. Discernment counseling is a different approach to working with couples than marriage counseling. Couples sometimes meet up to five times but can stop whenever they feel like they’ve come to a decision. Therapy will involve spending some time together and apart during appointments to discuss what the issues have been in the marriage (good and bad) and what you’ve done to work out your differences. And then there are discussions about staying in the marriage as it is, deciding to move in the direction of divorce or even trying to work with a marriage therapist for several months to see if there’s a way to repair the relationship and reconnect.
Is Discernment Counseling for You?
If you’re grappling with issues such as infidelity, lack of communication, profound loneliness, or indetermination about whether to divorce or reconcile, then Discernment Counseling could be a beneficial step for you.
Distinct from traditional marriage counseling, Discernment Counseling is a unique approach that aids not in mending the marriage, but rather in assisting both partners to discern the best path forward: should you seek marriage counseling to attempt reconciliation, or should you part ways and seek a divorce? This process can lead some couples to commit to relationship improvement over a set period, hoping to alter destructive patterns and rejuvenate their union. Alternatively, others might conclude that it’s in their best interest to part ways.
Even in circumstances where both partners have contrasting desires – one yearning for reconciliation and the other leaning towards divorce – Discernment Counseling can be instrumental. It can guide you through open and clear discussions about your current situation, assisting you in making informed decisions about the fate of your marriage.
DISCERNMENT COUNSELING : What do we do Next?
1. You can keep things status quo and do nothing
2. Take steps to divorce
3. Commit to intensive marriage counseling to see if you can work on issues that have lead you to such a bad place to see if the marriage can be saved.
DISCERNMENT COUNSELING Can Even Help Couples That Disagree:
the therapist listens to both partners and not forcing any outcome
this type of counseling assists couples dealing with conflict
this is not marriage counseling
If you are trying to decide to work on your marriage or feeling like you may need to separate or divorce, discernment counseling may help you figure out the next step.
Are you really scared about the status of your relationship? Are you feeling like your wife or husband has completely shut down? Are they now discussing wanting a divorce or breaking up? Are you feeling terrified and not sure what to do?
I hear from many men and women who are really scared of losing their marriage or relationship. They are feeling abandoned emotionally by their spouse. There has probably has been ongoing problems in the relationship that have never been dealt with properly and it has caused a great amount of distance and disconnect in the relationship. Often times one person has been asking (or begging ) to go to a couples or marriage counselor and those requests were ignored. Unfortunately, ignoring someone’s pleas to get help can cause great damage to the relationship. Sometimes that damage can be repaired and sometimes not.
So what should you do? Certainly, discussing what you are going through with a trained and experience therapist can help you figure out your next step. Fear or feelings of abandonment can cause people to struggle with sleep and lose their appetite and be unable to eat.
When Your Relationship or Marriage is in Trouble
The worse things are in the marriage, the more help you will need (if both people are willing) to turn things around. Each situation is different.
If you want to know what to do with your intense emotions and struggle, feel free to get in touch.
Has your spouse or partner been asking to go to therapy? Did you feel like you could handle things on your own? Did you not realize how much pain and disappointment your partner has been feeling sometimes for years? Are you feeling pain now and decided it’s time to go to therapy? Are you the one who’s been feeling pain for a long time – show this to your spouse or partner so they don’t wait until it’s too late. It’s important to try and get into therapy sooner and not wait until things are in crisis and it’s hard to come back from feeling so sad, alone, angry and disappointed for so long.
This happens all too often when I hear from someone looking for marriage or couples therapy. They are no the one feeling tremendous pain and, as a result, very motivated to go to counseling – finally. What they are feeling most likely is what their spouse or partner has been feeling for sometimes a very long time. That’s where it gets difficult.
In a way – in a big way, you can sense how distant and checked out your partner is. Maybe they’re even saying they want a divorce and that they’re done. You can somehow sense how much you don’t matter anymore. So at this point, the wall is up very high. I do see a lot of couples that are in this place – some can come back and some cannot. It’s hard for me to know unless I meet with each person and the couple to assess what has been going on in the relationship and how both people are feeling at this point. I carefully assess the person that has had to build up a wall to protect themselves from ongoing pain in a relationship. Feeling like he or she doesn’t matter, they i’ve been feeling very alone in the relationship. And feeling like they have not been able to count on their spouse or partner to be there emotionally for a very long time.
So if this is where you’re at right now in your relationship – not sure how this is going to end up, but desperately trying to save your relationship, counseling can help you figure out what the next step is in a safe place. Safe for both people.
If you are looking for marriage therapist in NJ or couples counseling to help you figure this out, feel free to reach out to me to see how therapy can help.
Aer you struggling with intense anger and resentment? Is this you?
You’re angry at your spouse for hurting you and you just don’t know how to let it go
You resent a family member because they’ve done or do things that really upset you
You have so many angry feelings, you can feel how it negatively affects your health
You can tell how bad hanging on to these emotions hurts you, but you don’t know what to do
We all experience difficult times in our lives that can bring up very harmful and negative emotions. Sometimes there are so many triggers that cause certain reactions and it is very difficult to control your response. Someone it feels like focusing your anger and resentment is helping you – like some kind of outlet or release. You think the anger is warranted because the other person has done something “wrong” or to annoy or bother you. And in some cases, the other person should know they are hurting you or know what they are doing is causing you pain, but they actually may not.
Where we all see it most often is with a break up or divorce. The intensity of angry, bitter and hostile emotions causes people to do a great deal of harm to others and themselves. Hanging on to the anger and resentment is hurting everyone. Most people want to hurt their exes because they feel betrayed, abandoned, sad, disappointed and/or shocked. But what most people don’t realize is how that negativity really hurts their own physical and mental well-being.
I’ve seen (and maybe you have as well) many people who have gone through a painful divorce and have fought bitterly ever step of the way to get back at an ex. Hanging on to the negative feelings for years and years.
I have also seen many of these exes come to peace over the years and let go of the anger and resentment. They have come to an understanding, and their siutations in more accepting ways, leading to more compassion and less anger and resentment.
Do you need help understanding how to let go of your anger and resentment? See how acceptance and forgiveness can really benefit your life and the lives of those around you.
Save Marriage | Can Therapy Help Save Our Marriage?
Does this sound familiar?
We are not sure things can change to save our marriage
I/we cannot go on the way things are going without help
I don’t trust my spouse and we fight about it constantly
I just found out my spouse cheated on me and I’m devastated
We are dealing with an affair that happened awhile ago, but I can’t get over it
We’ve tried everything and this is a last resort
I feel so incredibly alone and my partner is just not there for me
We are so unhappy and have been for a long time
I don’t feel like I matter and it is so painful
I know or suspect my spouse or partner is having an emotional or sexual affair
I feel so angry and disappointed in my spouse most or all the time
I love my spouse or partner, but we fight so much and I don’t know why
I’m not sure if it’s worth saving our marriage and I feel hopeless
My spouse says he or she will change and it never sticks
I’m never a priority and it feels awful
I am not in love with my wife or husband anymore and not sure what to do
Can We Turn this Around? Is it possible to save our marriage?
Are you looking for ways to see if you and your partner or spouse can turn things around and save your marriage or relationship? Is this your last attempt before you call it quits?
Some couples have tried marriage counseling in the past and maybe it helped, button enough – or maybe it didn’t help at all. Many wonder if marriage counseling or family therapy is worth it. With some therapists and for some couples, it is worth it if it can hep you reconnect and find ways to improve the way you feel about one another.
If both people are really committed to the process, it may help you turn things around. We’ve seen many couples learn how to (and more importantly want to) improve how they respond emotionally to one another. Emotional responsiveness (according to a leading innovator in the field of couples therapy Dr. Sue Johnson) is one of the most important (if not the most important) aspects of creating meaningful and long lasting connections in a relationship.
If you are looking for a NJ therapist to help you with your marriage or relationship, please contact us and let us know how we can help you or call us if that’s easier for you.
