10 Signs Your Relationship is in Trouble ( and needs help )
There are many signs that may indicate your relationship is in trouble. Here are six common warning signals to watch out for:
1. Constant Arguments:
One of the most obvious signs that your relationship is facing problems is constant arguments and fights. When disagreements become more frequent and intense, it can be a sign that there are underlying issues that need to be addressed.
2. Lack of Communication:
Communication is essential in any successful relationship. If you find yourself not talking to your partner as much or avoiding difficult conversations, it may be a red flag that something is wrong. Effective communication is essential for any relationship to thrive. If you and your partner are not communicating regularly or openly, it could be a sign of underlying issues. It’s important to create a safe space for open and honest communication in order to address any problems and maintain a strong connection.
3. Loss of Intimacy:
Intimacy is an important aspect of a romantic relationship. If you and your partner have stopped being intimate or the level of intimacy has significantly decreased, it may be a sign that there are deeper issues at play. This could be a result of emotional or physical distance, lack of time and effort put into the relationship, or unresolved conflicts. It’s important to address any issues surrounding intimacy in order to maintain a healthy and fulfilling relationship.
4. Feeling Disconnected:
If you feel like you and your partner are growing apart or have become disconnected, it could be a sign that your relationship is in trouble. This feeling of disconnection can arise when you and your partner are not making time for each other, or when there is a lack of effort being put into the relationship.
5. Trust Issues:
Trust is the foundation of any successful relationship. If you find yourself questioning your partner’s actions or intentions, it could indicate underlying trust issues in the relationship. This could
5. Criticism and Contempt:
Criticism and contempt towards each other are destructive behaviors that can erode a relationship. If you or your partner constantly criticize or show contempt towards each other, it may be a sign of underlying resentment and unhappiness in the relationship.
6. Lack of Trust:
Trust is the foundation of a healthy relationship. If you find yourself constantly questioning your partner’s actions or not being able to trust them, it may be a sign that there are issues of honesty and openness in the relationship.
7. Emotional Distance:
Emotional distance between partners can be another warning sign of trouble in a relationship. If you feel disconnected from your partner or they seem emotionally distant, it may be a sign that there are unresolved issues and a lack of emotional support in the relationship.
8. Changes in Behavior:
If your partner’s behavior has significantly changed or they seem distant and secretive, it may be a sign of underlying issues in the relationship. They may be struggling with personal problems or may have lost interest in the relationship. Communication is key in addressing these changes and working through any issues together.
9. Lack of Quality Time:
Spending quality time with your partner is crucial for maintaining a healthy relationship. If you notice that you and your partner rarely spend time together or they consistently prioritize other things over spending time with you, it could be a sign that there are underlying issues affecting the relationship. It’s important to communicate your concerns and make an effort to prioritize quality time together.
10. Lack of Emotional Support:
Feeling emotionally supported and validated by your partner is crucial for a healthy relationship. If you consistently feel unsupported or dismissed by your partner, it may be a sign that there are unresolved issues affecting the relationship. It’s important to communicate your needs and concerns and work together to address any underlying problems.
Do may of these signs apply to your relationship? It is important to get help if trying to fix things on your own has not worked. One things we see as couples therapists is the need to act on situaitons like this sooner than later. Timing is everything.
Need help with your marriage or relaitonship?
Getting couples therapy can help if your relationship is disconnected and in trouble. If you notice any of these warning signs in your relationship, it’s important to address them and seek help if needed. This could include couples therapy, marriage counseling, and sometimes relationship help by yourself. It’s also important to prioritize self-care and take care of your own mental and emotional well-being. Therapy can help you understand how to get better at understanding how to improve your connection and address any issues. If you feel your relationship is in trouble, please reach out for help.
Getting hooked can lead to some pretty destructive reactions internally and externally regarding interactions with others. This awful feeling can change.
The problem with getting hooked…
Many of us get can get hooked when things don’t go the way we want or expect, often resulting in very angry and negative reactions. You’re not alone. Most of us struggle with what to do when situations and people “hook” us. Your partner does something upsetting, your children, a driver pisses you off, your family…all of it can be very challenging.
Getting hooked not only causes problems and unhappiness for you, but for those around you. From a health perspective, getting hooked results in an internal reaction that actually causes a contraction in the body as well, increasing blood pressure and/or heart rate as well. Getting hooked is bad for your mental and physical health. The emotional reactivity from getting hooked can cause a chain reaction leaving you feeling more angry, unhappy, shocked, guilty, misunderstood, and alone.
Why is it so important to (work on) not getting hooked?
It’s bad for you and those around you. Getting hooked causes a strong, emotional reaction which can cause people to blow up, criticize, name call, devalue, and can destroy close relationships. It is possible you are misunderstanding others, feelings they did this or that on purpose to cause you to feel so lousy. It is another problem when both people in a relationship get hooked, or even you child pushes back when you get hooked. In the end, getting hooked can eventually erode your close relationships.
The skill is learning how to work with triggers and eventually containing the response. Pausing for a period of time to interrupt that negative energy and not allow it to pick up. We understand this is not easy and takes practice, but it will improve your life, health, and relationships exponentially over time.
The reality for all of is …life is a series of challenges and there are so many things we cannot control. It’s all about how we handle plan B when things don’t go the way we wanted or expected. Inner peace is the goal regardless of so many external circumstances beyond your control. You can do this and it will make so many things better. Attitude is everything.
So how can you work on this?
Developing more awareness is key. When people start to dip into more primitive (unaware or unconscious) ways of functioning, it might lead to acting out in very destructive ways. This can cause ther hooked person to become verbally abusive, yell and scream, name call, criticize, and want the source of your “hook” to hurt the way you are. As it to say “you are making me feel this way- this is your fault”. When people start to dip into the most primitive ways of functioning when they get hooked, thr result is physical violence and abuse. The work is trying to help people come up out of that primitive way of reacting to the difficult or challenging situation (again awarenees and slowing things down is key) , and eventually develop the skills to communicate more effectively. Working on and understanding this will eventually allow you get to healthier responses when dealing with challenges. You deserve more peace and this will help you get there.
Start by practicing with the small things. For example, become more aware of your reaction if you spill spomething or if you are in a hurry to get somewhere and you hit every red light on your way. Notice and become aware of what you feel. Slow down and take a deep breath to help you start chanigng the auto-pilot response of anger and “this should not be happening” or “this should not have happened”. A wiser response to something like this would be understanding that life is a series of challenges, and there are so many things we can’t control. Practicing with the small things will definitely help as well as pracicing the pause.
Practice the pause.
Although an initial short pause will help slow down and evcntually stop our own reaction, it can take longer for our nervous system and emotional reactivity to subside. Sometimes it can take as much as 20 minutes, sometimes longer. At first, this is challenging since you will be working on developing more awareness and breaking a pattern or habit, but the more you practice, the easier it will be.
The end result will be more peaceful, connected, and accepting relationships and better health overall.
Anyone can develop this skill over time and it will be exponentially rewarding.
Need help?
Therapy can help you work on reducing your reaction to getting hooked. If getting hooked is causing big problems in your relationships and or for you personally, please reach out for help. You can break these painful patterns. We can help.
Need help managing your reactions to challenging people and situations?
We work with so many couples and understand how triggers can cause big problems in any relationship. If you have had a lot of challenging experiences in the past, especially childhood trauma and difficult experiences, you may get triggered by others easily.
The problem when you get triggered:
Causes you to lash out at the trigger.
Causes you to withdraw in silence.
Lashing out at the trigger can make you rage by yelling, screaming, criticizing, name calling, or act out physically against your partner, child or others who trigger you.
Maybe you shut down when triggered. The wall goes up and you check out emotionally or actually leave physically.
We understand triggers as unconscious seeds based on conditioning. Usually there is something very old – maybe you felt you did not matter or felt like you could not trust the adults to be caring and nurturing and childhood experiences were unsafe emotionally and sometimes physically. So, when your partner, child, or other unsuspecting person triggers you, the same awful feeling can be triggered. Unfortunately, the feeling is nowhere near conscious awareness and is just quickly acted on without any understanding of the true source.
We try to help people work on what to do when triggered. How to find healthier ways of understanding, then communicating in a more skillful way so you don’t destroy your close relationships. This takes time and we have compassion for how challenging this can be and can help with the process.
Secure attachment is the ideal form of attachment. This means someone grew up in an atmosphere that fostered the 4 S’s Safe, Seen, Soothed, creates Secure Attachment
Feelings of Safety – you could express all types of feeling openly without threat of being crushed, ridiculed, criticized, or abused in other ways.
Feeling Seen – you felt seen when you expressed your feelings because parents and other adults were understanding or at least trying to convey an empathetic response.
Feeling Soothed – you felt the parents or other adults were able to comfort you in any number of ways. “I’m sorry you are feeling sad,” “I am sorry you are angry “ about ….”what can I do to help? Do you need a hug?”
Doing this over and over creates an atmosphere of security that allows the child to develop into an adult that has many tools for a healthy relationship.
If you did not experience secure attachment style as a child, your adult relationships can help you heal or confuse you. You might be reliving those earlier painful experiences with all of those unpleasant feelings that you felt when you were younger.
Therapy can help you understand your triggers and do a better job of dealing with them. If your triggers are causing big problems in your relationships, please reach out for help. You can break these painful patterns. We can help.
Marriage in trouble? Understanding contempt and how it poisons your relationship.
According to relationship expert John Gottman, contempt is the single biggest predictor of divorce. It’s very hard to have a healthy, connected relationship when you disregard, mock, and disrespect your significant other. Name calling, mean, sarcastic joking, eye rolling and things like mocking your spouse, end up being poisonous to the relationship – and if don’t learn how to stop, it will most likely lead to divorce.
It’s understandable that most people feel anger in their relationship. You can learn to express anger without contempt and it will be very worthwhile.
What is contempt?
Contempt is a combination of anger and disgust and can takes things to a much more destructive place. Contempt is so damaging because it conveys “you are beneath me”. It is an arrogant way of seeing your partner as worthless and deserving of your disrespect and disdain. Often men and women use name calling such as “you’re stupid”, “you’re fat” , “you’re ugly” (and sometimes this behavior is directed at your children a well). Contempt makes it difficult for you to take your spouse or partner’s (or children) feelings into account and conveys you are disgusted and sometimes hate your spouse – basically gives the message ” I don’t care about you, your feelings or what you have to say”.
Why is Contempt Poisonous to the Marriage?
Contempt is so harmful because over time it erodes your relationship. It is defeating and destructive. Contempt conveys an attitude of arrogance, superiority and disgust. I can make one partner feel superior and give the impression that we are not equals and I am better than you, smarter than you, etc. if this is the case, you’re disregarding and dismissing your partner because you really don’t value his or her thoughts and feelings.
Empathy is the opposite of contempt. If you were not willing to empathize with your partner or spouse‘s experience, you will be unable to have a healthy and satisfying relationship.
Examples of Contempt
Name calling
Sarcasm
Mocking and mimicking
Eye rolling
Hostile humor
Smirking
The cure for contempt, according to John Gottman, is cultivating more respect and appreciation of one another. Sometimes reflecting on the positive aspects of your past (fondest and admiration) will help you make changes. You ability access fondness and admiration helps your therapist measure your ability to reduce contempt over time. Don’r wait until it’s too late to start working on breaking this pattern. If you need help moving in this direction, get in touch.
Many couples that seek counseling may need help with their connection. Some describe feeling more like roommates than lovers. Busy with jobs, children, and problems in the relationship can cause couples to disconnect and feel like there’s no intimacy. Maybe you’re too tired, you lost interest or you’re angry at your partner Overtime this can feel very unsatisfying and make both partners unhappy.
Does this sound familiar?
Intimacy and sex is very in frequent
Intimacy is nonexistent when you feel alone
You feel like you have to do your duty and “give” your spouse or partner sex which is unsatisfying for you ( or both)
You’re bored with intimacy and it’s the same old same old.
You feel like used and like a vessel when you do have sex
Sexual pleasure feeling one-sided and and all about one person.
You’re so busy taking care of everything and everyone that you feel like this is just one more thing or person you have to take care of
You no longer love your spouse
You’re so angry at your wife or husband that you have no interest in being close
If you want to explore what is making the marriage or relationship feel more like a roommate situation, get in touch.
Problems with In-Laws? You’re Definitely Not Alone
Let’s be honest – navigating your relationship as a couple is already pretty complex. However, when you add in-laws to the equation, things can get even more complicated fast. If you’re dealing with challenging in-law dynamics in your marriage, please know that you’re far from alone in this struggle. In fact, countless couples around the world face similar challenges every single day.
Here’s the thing: when two people get married, they’re essentially blending two completely different family systems. Moreover, each family comes with their own set of values, communication patterns, and expectations that don’t always mesh well together. Perhaps your mother-in-law frequently offers unsolicited parenting advice, or maybe your partner’s family traditions completely clash with your personal beliefs. Consequently, these situations often leave you feeling frustrated, misunderstood, and stuck between your spouse and their family.
But here’s some encouraging news: in-law problems don’t have to destroy your marriage. Furthermore, with the right understanding, clear boundaries, and solid communication strategies, you can work through these challenges while actually strengthening your relationship. Let’s explore how you can transform these difficulties into opportunities for growth and deeper family connections.
Understanding What’s Really Going On Behind In-Law Conflicts
In-law tensions don’t just appear out of thin air. Instead, they’re usually rooted in deeper psychological and cultural factors that deserve both our attention and compassion.
When your spouse’s family becomes part of your life, they bring decades of established patterns, inside jokes, and unspoken family rules. As a result, you might feel like you’re looking through a window at a world you can’t quite access, struggling to understand dynamics that everyone else takes for granted. Additionally, this feeling of being on the outside can trigger emotions like inadequacy or resentment, especially when you’re genuinely trying your best to fit in and belong.
The Challenge of Divided Loyalties
One of the most frequent sources of in-law drama involves those tricky divided loyalties. Your spouse often feels caught between supporting you and keeping peace with their family of origin. Consequently, this internal struggle can show up as defensiveness, avoidance, or inconsistent reactions to family situations. Understanding that your partner isn’t necessarily picking sides – but rather trying to navigate incredibly complex emotional territory – can help you approach these moments with greater empathy and patience.
Generational and Cultural Differences Create Natural Friction
Different generations naturally hold varying perspectives on marriage roles, parenting approaches, financial priorities, and life goals. What feels progressive and normal to you might seem threatening to older family members who deeply value more traditional approaches. Similarly, different cultural backgrounds can create genuine misunderstandings about everything from holiday celebrations to daily routines and expectations.
These differences aren’t inherently problematic. However, they become challenging when family members expect everyone to conform or judge alternative approaches harshly. Recognizing these underlying factors can help you respond with patience rather than taking disagreements as personal attacks on your character or choices.
Setting Boundaries That Actually Protect Your Marriage
Healthy boundaries work like protective guidelines that preserve your relationship’s integrity while still maintaining respect for your extended family. Think of boundaries not as walls designed to keep people out, but rather as clear guidelines that help everyone understand what appropriate interactions look like.
Identifying Your Absolute Non-Negotiables
First, sit down with your spouse and discuss which areas feel most important to protect together. These might include:
Decision-making authority about your children’s upbringing and discipline
Financial choices and spending priorities that affect your household
How you choose to spend holidays and special family occasions
Privacy regarding your marriage and personal matters that should stay private
Career decisions and lifestyle choices that impact your family’s future
Once you’ve identified these core areas together, you can work as a team to communicate them respectfully yet firmly to family members who need to understand these boundaries.
Presenting a United Front Always Works Better
The most effective boundary-setting happens when you and your spouse are completely aligned and consistent. Therefore, before family gatherings or potentially difficult conversations, discuss your approach together and agree on how you’ll respond to various challenges that might arise. When in-laws see that you’re genuinely working as a unified team, they’re much more likely to respect your decisions rather than attempting to create division between you.
Remember that your spouse really needs to take the lead in setting boundaries with their own family members. While you can certainly express your concerns and needs clearly, having your partner communicate directly with their relatives shows respect for existing family relationships and prevents you from being perceived as the troublemaker or outsider causing problems.
Communication Strategies That Actually Build Understanding
Effective communication can genuinely transform tense family dynamics into real opportunities for deeper connection and mutual respect. The key lies in approaching conversations with genuine curiosity rather than immediate defensiveness or frustration.
Active Listening Techniques That Really Work
When in-laws express opinions or concerns that trigger your frustration, try responding with questions that demonstrate your sincere desire to understand their perspective better. Phrases like “Help me understand why this is so important to you” or “I’d really love to learn more about your experience with this situation” can shift the entire conversation from conflict mode to connection mode.
This approach doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything they say or do. However, it shows genuine respect for their viewpoint and often reduces their need to argue or convince you of their position aggressively.
Finding Common Ground Despite Different Methods
Look actively for shared values and goals, even when your specific methods differ significantly. Most family members genuinely want similar positive outcomes: happy, healthy relationships, well-adjusted children, and overall family harmony. By focusing intentionally on these shared desires, you can often find creative solutions that honor everyone’s legitimate concerns.
For example, if your mother-in-law consistently worries about your child’s screen time but you feel her approach is unnecessarily restrictive, you might explore together what you both actually hope to achieve. You likely both want children who are creative, physically active, and socially well-connected. From this solid foundation, you can discuss various strategies that accomplish these shared goals effectively.
Choosing Your Battles Wisely Saves Everyone Energy
Not every single disagreement requires a full confrontation or lengthy discussion. Some situations naturally resolve themselves over time, while others genuinely need addressing for your family’s long-term well-being. Before engaging in potentially difficult conversations, ask yourself honestly: “Will this particular issue matter in five years?” and “Is this situation actually affecting my marriage or children’s well-being in significant ways?”
This kind of thoughtful discernment helps you save your emotional energy for truly important matters while letting minor irritations pass without creating unnecessary family drama or tension.
When Professional Help Actually Makes a Real Difference
Sometimes in-law problems create such significant ongoing stress that they begin seriously affecting your mental health, marriage satisfaction, or overall family dynamics. Recognizing when to seek professional support demonstrates genuine wisdom and strength, not weakness or failure.
Clear Signs It’s Time for Professional Counseling
Consider reaching out for professional guidance if you’re consistently experiencing:
Persistent, recurring arguments with your spouse specifically about family issues
Genuine anxiety or dread before family gatherings or interactions
Feeling increasingly isolated or unsupported within your marriage
Children showing noticeable signs of stress related to ongoing family conflicts
Complete inability to establish or maintain any healthy boundaries effectively
A qualified therapist can provide truly objective perspectives and practical, proven tools for navigating these complex family relationships more successfully. Additionally, they can help you and your spouse develop stronger communication skills that not only improve your partnership but also help you manage external family pressures more effectively.
What to Actually Expect from Professional Support
Marriage and family counseling offers a genuinely safe, confidential space to explore your feelings honestly, develop effective coping strategies, and practice difficult conversations before having them in real life. Your therapist might help you identify problematic patterns in your interactions, understand your specific emotional triggers better, and create realistic action plans for challenging family situations.
Many couples discover that professional guidance not only improves their in-law relationships significantly but also strengthens their marriage overall in unexpected ways. Learning to navigate family challenges together often enhances teamwork, communication skills, and mutual support in many other areas of life as well.
Moving Forward with Genuine Hope and Clear Intention
Dealing with challenging in-law problems can definitely feel overwhelming at times. However, please remember that all relationships naturally evolve and change over time. The specific tensions you’re experiencing right now don’t have to define your family’s entire future story.
Start with small, manageable steps rather than trying to change everything at once. Choose one specific boundary to establish or one new communication strategy to practice consistently. Furthermore, celebrate progress whenever you see it, even when it feels incremental or slow. Building healthier family dynamics genuinely takes time and patience, but each positive interaction creates real momentum for continued improvement and growth.
Your marriage absolutely deserves protection and should remain your top priority. By working together consistently with your spouse, seeking appropriate support when you need it, and approaching family challenges with both strength and genuine compassion, you can successfully navigate these difficulties while building an even stronger foundation for your future together.
If you’re feeling genuinely stuck or overwhelmed by persistent in-law problems in your marriage, please consider reaching out for professional support sooner rather than later. Sometimes an experienced outside perspective can provide exactly the clarity and practical tools you need to transform challenging family dynamics into real opportunities for growth and deeper, more meaningful connections.
Problems with in-laws? Get in touch – we can help.
