5 Ways to Improve Your Relationship

Ways to Improve Your Relationship

Doing This Will Help

5 Ways to Improve Your Relationship

Here are 5 ways to improve your relationship that will help you connect in more positive ways with your spouse or partner.

1) Stop criticizing
2) Listen and learn how to be there emotionally
3) Follow through, do what you say – you want your partner to be able to count on you
4) Avoid “you always” or “you never” statements
5) Learn what makes your spouse or partner feel important – what he or she needs

Stop Criticizing

Stop criticizing and attacking when you’re upset and try to say something your spouse, partner or family member will more likely hear and take in. Many people will say criticizing is an auto pilot response when they get angry, frustrated or disappointed. It may be the way their parents or other relationship role models interacted. It may the way you were treated when you were you and just feel familiar. It may take some work to stop the habit of criticizing when you feel hurt or misunderstood, but it can be done and will improve your relationship and connection.

Listen and Be There

It may be tempting to defend yourself or even withdraw from your spouse or partner when they are angry, sad or upset, but it is important to try and listen to what they are saying and need. This is not always possible especially if you’re being verbally attacked and criticized, but if your spouse or partner can express their feelings, whatever they are, in a reasonable way, try and listen. Don’t try and fix their sadness or solve their problem. Just listen. Be present.

You Can Count On Me

Do you follow through with what you say? It can be the small things “I’ll pick up the groceries”,. “I’ll be home by 7”, or the big things “Don’t worry I’ll take care of things so you can take care of your mother”, “Go ahead and take the promotion – I’ll take care of the kids” or some of the biggest challenges “Don’t worry about anything but getting better – I’ve got this”. Giving your partner the consistent message – you can count on me – will help you build a stronger connection.

Try to Avoid You statements
If you want your partner to respond rather than react, it’s best to avoid “You” statements and rather use “I” statements when trying to talk about something that bothers you. You want your partner to hear you and no becom defensive, argumentative and/or shut down. If you use statements such as “you always” or “you never”, it will not help you understand your spouse or partner and resolve an issue.

You are Important to Me | You Do Matter

Find ways to let your partner or spouse know they really matter to you – that they are important to you. This may be easier said than done, but being present, listening (without being defensive, judgmental or trying to fix something) is a good way to really be there and let your loved one know you care and are trying to understand what they need. It will make a hug difference in your relationship if you can emotionally respond in this way.

Ways to Improve Your Relationship (It’s not that easy sometimes)

If you’re feeling stuck and having trouble improving your relationship and connecting in more positive ways, emotionally focused therapy (what is emotionally focused therapy?) can help you find ways to strengthen your marriage or relationship. There are understandable reasons you may not be able to do this on your own.

Need marriage or couples therapy? Get in touch and let us know how we can help you.

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Therapy as a Last Resort

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Why did it take so long? So many times it seems someone in a relationship or marriage has been asking to go to counseling for so long and their spouse or partner was not willing. Some think everything is ok or we can fix things ourselves. Others think “you need therapy not us.”

The problem with this (and as a therapist I’ve seen it so much over the years) is by the time someone is really ready it’s sometimes too late. The wake up call and realization that your spouse or partner is about done puts you in overdrive. Maybe you’ve heard threats of divorce and “I’m not happy” a lot, but never believed it. At a certain point, when someone feels beyond sad and angry – completely hopeless, there is a reality that really hits home. She (or he) is emotionally gone. Checked out. And the fear of being abandoned gets very real. It’s hard work and can be done sometimes to bring a couple back from the brink, but not every couple can make it.

What couples have a shot at recovery? Well it does depend on what you’ve been through in the relationship (and past painful issues) and each person’s willingness to work on things. It depends how high the wall is up – just how many months or years you’ve tried. One partner my feel “why now after I’ve asked you forever to go to counseling?” Feelings of anger and resentment for knowing you needed help – at least one of you was very unhappy and wanted professional help. Possibly pleasing with your wife, husband or partner to go talk to someone.

It seems only when the unwilling spouse starts to feel pain and fear are they finally ready – sometimes even picking up the phone to find a therapist asap.

It is an important first step to make that call, but know if you are the one who was not willing for a long time, your parents may be angry and not as willing now. I see many couples in this place and work to help them come together on this issue so they can go work on the deeper, longstanding problems plaguing the relationship.

If you are both ready or at least want to see if you can come back from a very bad place in your relationship, contact us at 973-902-8700.

Relationship Therapy

Counseling as Last Resort

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Unhappy and Feel Alone?

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Unhappy Relationship?

Things Need to Change?

Relationship in trouble? When is it time for relationship therapy?

Many couples consider therapy early on when they start having issues with communication and other difficult issues. Others wait a long time hoping things will get better trying to fix things themselves. It is only when one person has just about given up hope do they call a therapist for help. All relationships take work – even loving, healthy ones. Getting outside help from a professional is a big step for some couples, but when you’ve tried to fix things on your own and it hasn’t helped, it is time to consider marriage or couple therapy before you call it quits.

When therapy can help. Here are a few indicators….

1. Frequent finger pointing – problems are always your fault and your spouse does not understand his or her part

No matter what is done, somehow you cannot seem to get through to your spouse or partner. It may be hard to listen an understand one another without feeling defensive and blaming.

2. Communication styles vary and make it difficult yo resolve issues

The relationship seems to be out of whack when it comes to one person’s ability to express anger and the other just shutting down or putting up a wall. It’s hard to express yourself in a way that your spouse can take it in.

3. One of you is working harder at the relationship than the other

You are always the one that is trying and putting all the effort into the relationship. Not only do you feel drained and exhausted, but you feel very underappreciated. For all the effort you put in, you feel you deserve something in return, yet it never comes.

4. Afraid to express yourself if it causes your spouse or partner to get angry

Even though there may be issues, you prefer not to argue or fight because you are so worried about your partner reacting instead of responding. A good therapist can help many couples get better at listening and responding rather than reacting and make it safer to express yourself.

5. Trust and betrayal
Do you feeling insecure in your relationship? Does it feel like your spouse or partner is hiding something? Did you find out about an affair? When a couple struggles with trust for any reason it is important to find ways to create more trust and a security for relationship to improve.

If you struggle with one or more of these issues, therapy can help. Many couples can improve their relationship if they are open to working with an experienced couples therapist.

6 Main Reasons Married Couples Argue

Relationships

6 Main Reasons Couples Argue

Understanding Can Help

Six Spousal Squabbles | Top 6 Topics Married Couples Argue Over

The Six Spousal Squabbles –a list of the top topics about which married couples argue—is based on Dr. John Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. As Gottman explains, “Even in very happy stable marriages, these issues are perennial.” We know that all couples argue, but you need to take what you learn from these arguments and grow with your spouse. This is how you and your loved one will truly get to the best place in your marriage.

Stress in the Workplace

After getting yelled at by your boss, you come home and yell at your husband or wife. Clearly, this is a recipe for disaster. While you or your spouse may suffer at a stressful job, you always want to try to make your marriage a peaceful oasis. After a long difficult day at work, give your spouse some time to collect her thoughts when she gets home, and do the same for yourself. This unwinding time is much needed to avoid bringing that dreaded work stress into your marriage. Make sure that you both schedule some “me” time separately before coming together to discuss your days.

Issues with In-Laws

This actually happened: Kim Smith-Jones was invited to her husband’s family reunion. Her mother-in-law had t-shirts made for the occasion. All of the Joneses were given blue t-shirts; Kim—and the spouses of her husband’s siblings—got yellow. Then, when it came time for the big family photo, Kim and the other spouses-in-law were left out. Not surprisingly, the ride home was not pleasant.

Friction between a spouse and in-laws can beone of the biggest issues in a marriage: If you or your spouse is a “mama’s boy” or “daddy’s girl,” a clear line has to be set and abided by. When you got married, you created a new family with your spouse, and that means that your priorities have to change. You begin your own family traditions. You need to make sure that both the in-laws and your own parents understand that they cannot and will not comebetween you and your partner.

Money Problems

They say that opposites attract, but opposite attitudes towards money can create problems. Finances can certainly be a huge stressor for any couple, but if they do not look at financial issues in the same way—picture a big spender and a die-hard saver—disagreements will follow. I am a big believer of keeping your and your spouse’s money separate, but if you decide that you want or need to pool it together, you have to be ready to work as a team on all financial issues. You need to come up with guidelines regarding what spending, borrowing and investing is acceptable and what is nonnegotiable. If you have issues in this area, look into the possibility of a financial planner.

Physical and Mental Sex

In the movie Annie Hall, the two lead characters, Alvy and Annie, are shown separately talking to their therapists. Both are asked how often they sleep together. Alvy responds, “Hardly ever. Maybe three times a week.” Annie says, “Constantly! I’d say three times a week!”

Sexuality in a marriage is just as much mental as it is physical. You need to be able to open up with your partner so that you both understand what the other is looking for. Sex should bring you closer not only in body, but in mind as well. In a happy sex life, you and your partner should see sex as intimate, but not allow the needs or desires from either side be taken personally. After all, you want to both be happy and satisfied!

Housework Responsibilities

Long gone are the Mad Men days where women stay at home and tackle the housework while the men are at the office. Nevertheless, the stereotypical expectations regarding cooking, cleaning, shopping and laundry can certainly put strain on your marriage. The solution is that you simply need to work as a team and fairly contribute to the chores.

While it would be an overstatement to conclude that men are always at fault regarding these issues, that is often the case; men who grew up with stay-at-home mothers may need to make a more conscious effort to avoid this problem. Maybe this will help:Studies show that “women find a man’s willingness to do housework extremely erotic.” Now, if that doesn’t get you washing dishes, I don’t know what will!

Children

For nine months before a child is born, the responsibilities are almost all on the woman. Eat right, exercise, doctor appointments, and, in particular, labor. After that, however, that the responsibilities for caring for and raising the child and need to be split equally. Both spouses have to experience the transformation into parenthood and divide the duties so that one or the other do not end up overwhelmed and feeling underappreciated. Equally important are reaching agreement regarding how to raise your children and presenting a united front when issues arise. If you and your spouse have divergent views on nutrition, education, discipline, etc., you need to deal with them before you add an actual child to your lives.

Now that you know which of the Spousal Squabbles to beware of in your marriage, you can work on your own solutions. It’s important to remember that all couples can disagree and quarrel, and that is normal, but in order to grow and get to the best place in your marriage, you need to work together to reconcile your differences, preferably before they become arguments.

Link used as a reference for this info article: https://www.gottman.com/blog/6-arguments-all-married-couples-have/

Understanding Shame | How It Impacts Your Life

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Shame Can Be Debilitating

Healing Shameful Feelings

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This video explains how shame is lethal and what you need to do to reduce shame.

According to Brene Brown,shame is defined as the intensely painful feeling that we are unworthy of love and belonging. She says we all have it and it is one of the most human primitive emotions. She also says the less we talk about it, the more we have it

Shame needs these 3 things to grow exponentially:

1) Secrecy
2) Silence
3) Judgement

To get rid of shame – EMPATHY. Shame cannot survive empathy. So talk to yourself like you would talk to someone you love about something that triggers your shame or reach out to someone you trust and tell your story. Empathy is the way to reduce and get rid of same.

DR. BRENE BROWN: “SHAME IS LETHAL”

Couples Therapy

Maplewood Counseling provides relationship counseling for couples who are struggling with communication problems, an affair, a crisis or other issues. Marriage counseling and couples therapy is provided to help for all types couples with relationship issues.

Anxiety, Depression, Grief

Get help for depression, anxiety, grief, or low self esteem. Therapy can help if you are going through a difficult time such as coping with a divorce or break-up. A good therapist can help you improve the way you feel and work on making positive changes in your life.

Coping With a Life Crisis

Do you need help getting through a painful time in your life? Are you dealing with an affair or infidelity? Trying to survive a lonely, painful time? Is your child struggling? Are you or a loved one coping with a crisis, serious health issues, or helping aging parents?

How to Help (or Hurt) a Jealous Spouse

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How to Help a Jealous Spouse

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How to Help (or Hurt) a Jealous Spouse?

Understanding How to Help a Jealous Spouse

Does your partner have good reasons to be jealous?

Did your spouse found out about an affair?
Do you exchange inappropriate texts and keep texting even though your spouse knows?
Do you hide your phone, openly or secretly flirt?
Do you get angry or defensive when your spouse questions you?
Do You spend time with a co-worker, other person or friends that fuel the fire?
Has cheating in the past or betrayal been difficult to overcome or “repair”?
Do you prefer being elsewhere rather than with your spouse?
Are you using snapchat, Facebook or social media in inappropriate ways?
Do you send inappropriate photos and pictures?
Do you do things you shouldn’t and deny it when your spouse questions you?
Do you put your spouse down or call him or her crazy for being jealous?

In these situations, a jealous spouse makes sense. Maybe things in your relationship have not been going well and you have found these other ways to cope with the problems. Ways that will understandably cause jealousy and problems. Maybe you have not been feeling connected to your wife or husband and want your space or distance. Maybe you argue or fight a lot and feel unhappy at home. It certainly isn’t easy for many families to manage work, kids and all the stressors of day to day life. Many timesrelationships suffer. But things will only get worse if you don’t work on improving your relationship and helping your spouse feel more secure. It will help if you find ways to reconnect in more positive ways and most couples You may need counseling make that happen.

Trouble understanding your jealous spouse?

Sometimes a jealous spouse is not easy to understand. You have never had an affair. You are faithful and do not flirt. You have no interest in anyone but your spouse. However, he or she still struggles with a great deal of insecurity. There are things you can do to help.

Instead of getting angry or defensive, try to respond in different ways. “I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way”, “the last thing I want you to feel is jealous”? “what can I do to help you feel more secure”? “what can I do to let you know you matter to me?” “what can I do so you feel how important you are to me?”

If you want to help your jealous spouse, it is important to understand and examine the things you’re doing that obviously make matters worse. Consider getting help to understand what’s missing and what you’re doing or not doing that can cause jealousy and trust issues. Creating a better connection in your relationship will help you give up the attention you’re seeking elsewhere.

If you haven’t been able to improve things on your own, it’s worth trying marriage counseling with an experienced marital therapist. We look forward to helping you both get to a better place.