Understanding and Overcoming Controlling Behaviors
Understanding and Overcoming Controlling Behaviors
At Maplewood Counseling, we provide inclusive care for people of all races, cultures, and backgrounds, including interfaith, interracial, BIPOC, LGBTQIA+, and blended families. Our therapists bring lived experiences and specialized training to create a safe, affirming space for all.
Are you struggling with the need to control things in your life? Do you find that this need affects your relationships? Understanding the reasons behind controlling behaviors is the first step toward finding a healthier balance.
What Does It Mean to Be Controlling?
Controlling behaviors often come from a feeling of being out of control. It can be a way to cope with deep-seated fears or insecurities. A person might feel inadequate or afraid of being seen as a fraud. This can lead to actions like gaslighting or guilt-tripping to maintain a sense of power.
However, the desire for control isn’t always negative. Sometimes, it comes from a genuine place of concern. A parent might want to protect their child, or a friend may try to keep a loved one from making a mistake.
In relationships, a strong need for control can be damaging. It creates an imbalance of power and can lead to resentment, anger, and mistrust. The person being controlled may feel like they have lost their independence. Letting go of control, on the other hand, is a sign of trust and respect. It allows for open communication and a more equal partnership.
To break free, it’s important to understand what drives the need for control. This might involve exploring past experiences or insecurities. Learning to communicate your needs clearly without trying to control others is key. It’s also about learning to accept that some things are simply out of our hands. Embracing this uncertainty can open you up to new experiences.
5 Common Reasons People Are Controlling
The need to control others can make relationships with a partner or children very challenging. Here are some of the most common reasons why people develop controlling behaviors.
- Insecurity: Deep-seated insecurities are a primary cause. When people feel they are not good enough, they may try to control others to feel more powerful and important.
- Fear of Losing Control: Some people fear losing control in their own lives. This often comes from past situations where they felt helpless. They try to control others to create a sense of stability.
- A Need for Perfection: Controlling people often need things to be perfect. They can become anxious when things don’t go according to plan and may try to manage others to ensure a perfect outcome.
- Lack of Trust: A lack of trust in themselves or others can also be a factor. They might feel they are the only ones who can do things correctly and fear that others will let them down.
- Relationship Insecurity: People with low self-esteem may fear being abandoned. They might try to control their partner’s actions to prevent the relationship from ending.
Past trauma can also lead to controlling behaviors. If someone grew up in a household where control was used to maintain power, they may learn to use it themselves as a way to feel safe.
What If People Call You a “Control Freak”?
Being seen as controlling can cause a lot of friction in your relationships. It can lead to anger, resentment, and frequent conflicts. This behavior might show up as being manipulative, demanding, or overly critical.
It’s important to remember that being controlling doesn’t make someone a bad person. Often, it comes from a fear of losing control or a need for security. However, since this behavior can damage relationships, it’s important to address it.
Open communication is one of the most effective tools. Both people in a relationship need to be able to express their feelings without fear of confrontation. Setting and respecting boundaries is also vital. This means recognizing your partner’s right to make their own choices.
Learning to let go is also a part of the process. Trying to manage every situation will only lead to frustration. Accepting that some things are out of your control can lead to healthier, happier relationships.
How to Reduce the Need to Control Others
- Acknowledge the Behavior: The first step is to recognize that you are being controlling. This can be hard, as you may not see your actions in that light or may feel they are justified.
- Practice Letting Go: Understand that you can’t control everything. Trying to do so only leads to disappointment. Accepting things as they are can reduce the need to control others.
- Build Your Self-Esteem: Low self-esteem can fuel the need to control. Working on your confidence will help you feel more secure in yourself, so you won’t need to rely on controlling others.
- Communicate Better: Often, controlling behavior is a substitute for effective communication. Learn to express your needs and concerns clearly and respectfully.
- Seek Professional Help: If the behavior is deeply ingrained or stems from past trauma, therapy can be very helpful. A therapist can help you work through the underlying issues.
Ready to Find a Healthier Balance?
The need to control others may come from a place of fear, but it can harm your relationships and your own personal growth. By understanding your motivations, practicing healthy communication, and respecting others, you can break free from controlling patterns.
Working on these tendencies can help you build fulfilling relationships based on mutual trust and understanding. It’s an ongoing process, but the reward of healthier connections is worth the effort.
Therapy can help you understand and reduce your need to control things around you. If this behavior is causing problems in your life or relationships, please reach out for help.
Frequently Asked Questions About Controlling Behaviors
What are the signs of controlling behavior in a relationship?
Controlling behaviors can include telling someone what to do, needing to know where they are at all times, or making decisions without including others. You might also notice patterns of criticism, threats, or guilt-tripping.
Why do people become controlling?
This often starts from deeper feelings like insecurity, fear, or a need for stability. Some people learned controlling habits from tough experiences or past relationships.
How can controlling behaviors impact my relationship?
These behaviors can hurt trust, cause resentment, and make partners or loved ones feel small or unheard. Over time, relationships can become strained or distant.
Can controlling behaviors be changed?
Yes. With self-awareness, practice, and support, most people can learn to manage these habits. Therapy is a safe place to work on this, either individually or as a couple.
Is it normal to want some control in relationships?
It’s normal to want to feel secure and understood. Healthy relationships respect each person’s boundaries and need for independence, while allowing for compromise and shared decisions.
What should I do if someone says I’m controlling?
Try to listen openly. It might hurt to hear, but their feedback can help you see things from their perspective. Working with a therapist can help you explore new ways to communicate and support each other.
When should I seek professional help?
If controlling behaviors are causing pain, frequent arguments, or isolation, seeking help can make a big difference. Therapists can guide you through understanding and changing these patterns to support a healthier connection for everyone involved.
Ready to take the next step?
If you’re looking to break free from controlling patterns and create stronger, more satisfying connections, we’re here for you. Contact Maplewood Counseling today to learn how compassionate guidance can support you and your relationships. Book your confidential session now—we’re ready to help you move forward.
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