Discernment Counseling NJ | Should We Stay or Split Up?

Discernment Counseling: Finding Clarity at the Crossroads

Are you feeling stuck in a state of relationship limbo? Perhaps you aren’t sure if you should keep trying to work on your marriage or if it’s time to separate. It is an incredibly painful and confusing place to be. One of you might be leaning out of the relationship, feeling “done,” while the other is desperate to save it. Or maybe you both feel exhausted, unsure if there is enough left to salvage.

If you are asking yourself, “Should we stay together or split up?”, you are not alone, and you don’t have to make this decision in isolation. Discernment Counseling offers a safe, specialized space to pause, reflect, and find the confidence to choose your next step.

Navigating the “Stay or Go” Dilemma

Traditional couples therapy assumes both partners are ready to work on the relationship. But what happens when you aren’t on the same page? What if one partner is ambivalent or has lost hope?

Entering marriage counseling when one person has one foot out the door can often lead to frustration. The partner who wants to save the marriage may push too hard, while the hesitant partner may feel pressured, leading to a standstill.

This is where Discernment Counseling is different. It is not about fixing the relationship immediately; it is about figuring out if the relationship can—or should—be fixed. It provides a structured process to help you gain clarity and confidence about the future of your partnership, honoring the feelings of both the “leaning out” and “leaning in” partners.

What Is Discernment Counseling?

Discernment Counseling is a short-term therapeutic approach designed specifically for couples on the brink. It typically consists of 1 to 5 sessions, focused purely on decision-making.

The goal isn’t to solve your marital problems right now. Instead, the goal is to see if those problems are solvable.

In these sessions, your therapist will help you:

Create a Safe Space: We provide a non-judgmental environment where both partners can speak openly without the pressure to commit to a specific outcome immediately.
Understand Your Dynamics: We help you look at the relationship objectively to understand what happened to get you to this point and what each partner has contributed to the current dynamic.
Explore All Options: We guide you through looking at three specific paths: staying as you are, moving toward separation/divorce, or committing to an all-out effort in couples therapy.

The Three Paths of Discernment

During the process, you will explore three potential outcomes for your relationship:

Path One: Status Quo. You decide to keep the relationship exactly as it is for now. This is rarely chosen, but it is an option if you aren’t ready to make a change.
Path Two: Separation or Divorce. You decide that the healthiest path forward is to end the relationship. If this is your choice, the counseling can help you move toward that transition with greater understanding and less animosity.
Path Three: A Six-Month Commitment. You agree to take divorce off the table for six months and commit fully to couples therapy. This is an “all-in” effort to see if the relationship can be revitalized, with a clear understanding of what needs to change.

Is Discernment Counseling Right for Us?

This approach is specifically helpful for “mixed-agenda” couples—where one person wants to preserve the relationship and the other is considering ending it.

It might be the right fit if:

You have experienced a major breach of trust, such as infidelity, and aren’t sure if you can recover.
You have grown apart over the years and feel more like roommates than partners.
One partner has threatened divorce, but you aren’t sure if it’s truly what you want.
You have tried traditional couples counseling before, and it didn’t work because your goals weren’t aligned.
You want to be able to look back and say you did everything possible to understand your options before making a life-altering decision.

It is important to note that Discernment Counseling is inclusive. Regardless of your background, orientation, or family structure, we honor your unique relationship dynamics. Our role is not to judge or steer you toward a specific outcome, but to empower you with the insight you need.

The Process: What to Expect

Because the goals are different from traditional therapy, the format is also unique. A significant portion of the session time is spent one-on-one with the therapist.

Why separate time? Because when tensions are high, it’s often difficult to be honest in front of your partner without triggering an argument. Individual time allows each of you to explore your own feelings, fears, and contributions to the relationship problems safely. The therapist then helps you bring key insights back to the joint conversation.

This structure respects both partners. The “leaning out” partner gets space to express their doubts without being pressured to “try harder.” The “leaning in” partner gets support in managing their anxiety and learning how to bring their best self to the crisis, rather than acting out of panic.

Moving Forward with Confidence

Living in uncertainty is exhausting. It drains your energy and affects every other area of your life, from your parenting to your career. You deserve clarity.

Whether you decide to reignite your bond and work through the hard stuff, or you decide to part ways with mutual respect, Discernment Counseling gives you the tools to make that choice with your eyes wide open.

If you are ready to find a way out of the limbo and determine the best path for your future, we are here to help.

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Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

Q: Is Discernment Counseling just a way to delay a breakup?
A: Not at all. It is an active process of evaluation. While some couples do decide to separate, they often do so with less anger and more clarity, which is crucial—especially if you are co-parenting. Others find that once the pressure to “fix it” is removed, they can actually see a path to reconciliation they hadn’t seen before.

Q: How long does this process take?
A: It is brief by design. Most couples come for one to five sessions. At the end of each session, you decide if you want to come back for another. There is no long-term commitment required up front.

Q: What if my partner refuses to come?
A: Discernment Counseling requires both partners to be willing to show up, even if one is very skeptical. If your partner is completely unwilling to attend, you may benefit from individual therapy to help you clarify your own feelings and decisions regarding the relationship.

Q: Can we do this if we are already separated?
A: Yes. If you are currently separated but haven’t made a final decision to divorce, Discernment Counseling can be very effective in helping you decide whether to attempt reconciliation or make the separation permanent.

Q: Do we try to solve our problems in these sessions?
A: Generally, no. We don’t focus on teaching communication skills or resolving conflict in these sessions. We focus on understanding the problems to see if they are solvable. If you choose “Path Three” (reconciliation), the hard work of solving problems begins in subsequent couples therapy.

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Helpful Resources for Couples Seeking Counseling

Effective Communication in Relationships
Learn practical tips and strategies to improve communication and strengthen your connection with your partner.
Conflict Resolution for Couples
Discover healthy ways to navigate disagreements and resolve conflicts in your relationship.
Rebuilding Trust After Betrayal
Explore steps to rebuild trust and heal your relationship after infidelity or other breaches of trust.
Premarital Counseling for Couples
Prepare for a strong and lasting marriage with premarital counseling tailored to your unique needs.
Managing Stress in Relationships
Learn how to manage external stressors and maintain a healthy, supportive partnership.

Is Your Marriage in Trouble?

Anxiety, Depression, Grief, Relationships

Is Your Marriage in Trouble?

Time to Get help?

Is Your Marriage in Trouble?

Are you really scared about the status of your relationship? Are you feeling like your wife or husband has completely shut down? Are they now discussing wanting a divorce or breaking up? Are you feeling terrified and not sure what to do?

I hear from many men and women who are really scared of losing their marriage or relationship. They are feeling abandoned emotionally by their spouse. There has probably has been ongoing problems in the relationship that have never been dealt with properly and it has caused a great amount of distance and disconnect in the relationship. Often times one person has been asking (or begging ) to go to a couples or marriage counselor and those requests were ignored. Unfortunately, ignoring someone’s pleas to get help can cause great damage to the relationship. Sometimes that damage can be repaired and sometimes not.

So what should you do? Certainly, discussing what you are going through with a trained and experience therapist can help you figure out your next step. Fear or feelings of abandonment can cause people to struggle with sleep and lose their appetite and be unable to eat.

When Your Relationship or Marriage is in Trouble

The worse things are in the marriage, the more help you will need (if both people are willing) to turn things around. Each situation is different.

If you want to know what to do with your intense emotions and struggle, feel free to get in touch.

Need Relationship Help in New Jersey?

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Need Relationship Help?

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Need Relationship Help?

Learn what it means to be there for your spouse or partner

Over and over I hear from couples about the struggle with one (or both) people feeling alone in the marriage or relationship. Feeling sad or angry about your spouse not responding the way you need them to – with empathy, understanding and compassion. Maybe they even put up a wall, dismiss your feelings, criticize you, distance or check out. I’ve heard people describe hearing “get over it” or “don’t be weak” or “you’re too sensitive” from their partner if they are feeling sad or upset.

The result? The relationship suffers. There is disconnect, distance, unhappniness, less sex, more arguing or other symptoms. What most people really need is for their partner to listen to them, to be there, to be present and not judge your feelings as good or bad. All too often I work with couples where the wife or husband want to express sadness, disappointment and/or anger. Instead of understanding, the response is eye rolling, “don’t be weak”, “get over it”, or just dismissing the feelings completely. This is where couples find they grow very far apart and really need relationship help to reconnect.

As a relationship therapist who works with many couples, I see this pattern quite often. What I’m hoping to achieve in couples therapy is helping each person understand the importance of being there and what it actually looks like.

I assess what each person brings to the relationship from their past. Reflecting on the past helps men and women understand why they respond (or don’t respond) in certain way. For people that grew up in a household where it was hard for a mother or father to be there for them, someone who told him to stop crying, made them feel shame for expressing emotions, it is natural to defend against feeling this in your relationship as an adult. Becoming aware of how past relationships influence your ability or lack of ability to be there is where a good couples counselor can help.

If you want a loving, healthy and more secure marriage or relationship, you will need to learn how to be there. Be there in ways your spouse really needs. You want to let your partner or spouse know they matter, and let them know that they can count on you to be there. If you can do this successfully an ongoing, your connection will be and remain strong.

You will still have disagreements and not always be on the same page, all couples have to deal with these types of things. But knowing how to really respond rather than react is key. KNowing how to be there in ways that your partner needs is important.

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Are you looking for an experienced therapist in New Jersey? Feel free to get in touch.

Strengthening Your Marriage During Stressful Times

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Strengthening Your Marriage

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Strengthening Your Marriage During Stressful Times

There is nothing like the stress of a new baby, children and managing work and family responsibilities. The demands of your job and feeling pulled in so many ways can put the relationship on the back burner. If you don’t feel like a priority or struggle making your relationship a priority, the result may be anger, ongoing conflict and disconnect. This stress can cause one partner to find ways of coping, which sometimes means online cheating, an affair and infidelity. Disconnect and anger is never an excuse for having an affair, but most of the time this level of betrayal is a symptom of a problem in your relationship that needs attention.

Common complaints for people seeking marriage or couples counseling:

Not feeling like a priority
An affair, infidelity, online cheating and other betrayal
Communication problems
Feeling stressed and overwhelmed managing work and family responsibilites
Feeling like you don’t matter to your spouse
Feeling like you can’t count on your partner
Feeling alone and disconnected
Lack of sex and intimacy

It is certainly understandable that balancing things at home and work is very challenging for most families these days. Not feeling like you can communicate in a productive ways can only make matters worse. Maybe you feel like you don’t matter, like you’re not important. Maybe you feel like you can’t count on your partner or spouse to be there for you emotionally and otherwise.

What is an very important – and we will discuss these things in counseling- is reflecting on all the things that influence the way you relate to one another. This includes what you’ve been through in your early significant relationships – how your role models treated each other and treated you will influence your behavior and expectations to a great extent. Is important in understanding your present day dynamic to understand how these have influence the way you communicate, respond or react to your significant other. The same will be for them, so understanding that your spouse or partner has their own paradigm and issues will significantly impact your dynamic and not necessarily in a positive way.

Strengthening Your Marriage During Stressful Times

Need couples or marriage counseling to help in strengthening your marriage or relationship!? See how therapy can help you understand your spouse and get better at responding to their needs rather than reacting. Learn how to communicate in ways that your spouse or partner will be more likely to hear rather than get defensive. Get in touch if you are looking for a skilled and experienced therapist in Northern New Jersey.

Marriage Therapist | Are You in Crisis?

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Has your spouse or partner been asking to go to therapy? Did you feel like you could handle things on your own? Did you not realize how much pain and disappointment your partner has been feeling sometimes for years? Are you feeling pain now and decided it’s time to go to therapy? Are you the one who’s been feeling pain for a long time – show this to your spouse or partner so they don’t wait until it’s too late. It’s important to try and get into therapy sooner and not wait until things are in crisis and it’s hard to come back from feeling so sad, alone, angry and disappointed for so long.

This happens all too often when I hear from someone looking for marriage or couples therapy. They are no the one feeling tremendous pain and, as a result, very motivated to go to counseling – finally. What they are feeling most likely is what their spouse or partner has been feeling for sometimes a very long time. That’s where it gets difficult.

In a way – in a big way, you can sense how distant and checked out your partner is. Maybe they’re even saying they want a divorce and that they’re done. You can somehow sense how much you don’t matter anymore. So at this point, the wall is up very high. I do see a lot of couples that are in this place – some can come back and some cannot. It’s hard for me to know unless I meet with each person and the couple to assess what has been going on in the relationship and how both people are feeling at this point. I carefully assess the person that has had to build up a wall to protect themselves from ongoing pain in a relationship. Feeling like he or she doesn’t matter, they i’ve been feeling very alone in the relationship. And feeling like they have not been able to count on their spouse or partner to be there emotionally for a very long time.

So if this is where you’re at right now in your relationship – not sure how this is going to end up, but desperately trying to save your relationship, counseling can help you figure out what the next step is in a safe place. Safe for both people.

If you are looking for marriage therapist in NJ or couples counseling to help you figure this out, feel free to reach out to me to see how therapy can help.

How Does Marriage Counseling Work?

Relationships

How Does Marriage Counseling Work?

How it Can Help

How does marriage counseling work?

If you’ve never done marriage or couples counseling, you might wonder how it works. The way I work with couples is this – I like to take the first session and meet with a couple together. I assess the way you interact, listen, respond or react and the reasons you are coming to therapy. I want to understand each person’s perscpective and get a sense for the issues you are struggling with. At the same time, I will assess what happens when you are discussing the problems and to see if you interrupt, agree, disagree and understand. The second and third appointments I like to meet with each person individually to get a sense for their background and experience. It helps me to connect one-on-one to learn more about what each person feels and needs and what they are not getting in the relationship.

I also like to understand what each person experienced growing up when it comes to roll models for relationships. I will often ask how did your parents or other significant caretakers treat one another and how did they treated you. It gives me a good idea of how each person was “conditioned” to relate and how tow people from different backgrounds can have different views and expectations around relationships. You may want to repeat or avoid they way people treated each other when you were growing up. It is impoprtnt to undestanding how the past affects the present when it comes to relationships.

Many people that have gone through traumatic experiences growing may face have more challenges in their love relationships and therefore may need more help creating a more satisfying and stable relationship. I do want to understand attachment style and how secure or insecure you felt growing up how secure or insecure you feel in your marriage or relationship now. Understanding all of this and then helping you both understand the patterns and dynamic of your relationship is what we work on in the couples therapy.

Many people ask how long is couples therapy or how long will it take. Without knowing each of you and your dynamic…without knowing what each of you bring to the relationship from your past, it’s hard for me to answer that question other than to say the work that we do is short term in nature. Anywhere between 8-20 appointments for most couples. Some couples are in therapy longer. Typically session one is together with the couple so your therapist can assess you communication style and dynamic. Then th therapists will meet with each person individually to assess each person to leanr more about each person. Then the couples will meet together again session 4 on to work on issues. So I hope this helps as you’re searching for a couples therapist and trying to understand how therapy works if you are new to the process.

Just know that changing patterns and behavior takes time, awareness and consistent effort. Pain is a great motivator and usually people are much more willing to change something when there is a threat of losing your spouse or partner. Ultimatums like “i want a divorce” or “I can’t do this anymore” will make many people very scared and ready for counseling. The real challenge is staying what is most importnat to your partner or spouse – learning what they really need and responding rather than reacting. We do this together to help each person really understand and respond to needs of the other person without discounting, neglecting, defending, criticizing or invalidating when you don’t understand. Understanding and responding to each other rather than reacting is critical to building a stronger and ongoing connection with one another. I hope this helps as you’re searching for a therapist to understand the process of marriage counseling or couples therapy.

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