Falling Out of Love: 10 Reasons Why & How to Reconnect
At Maplewood Counseling, we provide inclusive care for people of all races, cultures, and backgrounds, including interfaith, interracial, BIPOC, LGBTQIA+, and blended families. Our therapists bring lived experiences and specialized training to create a safe, affirming space for all.
Is the person sitting across from you at dinner starting to feel like a stranger? Do you find yourself looking at old photos and wondering where that spark went? Falling out of love is a quiet, often heartbreaking realization. It doesn’t usually happen with a bang, but rather a slow fade.
If you are feeling this distance, please know that you are not alone. It is a common season in many long-term relationships, and it doesn’t necessarily mean the end of your story. In fact, recognizing the disconnect is often the first brave step toward finding your way back to each other.
We want to help you understand why this happens. By identifying the root causes of the drift, you can begin to bridge the gap and rebuild a relationship that feels safe, connected, and vibrant again.
10 Common Reasons Couples Drift Apart
Understanding why the love feels like it’s fading is crucial for fixing it. Here are ten common reasons relationships lose their luster, along with compassionate steps to turn things around.
1. The Silence of Poor Communication
When you stop talking about the real things—your fears, your dreams, your hurts—you stop knowing each other. Conversations become purely logistical (“Did you pay the bill?” “Who’s picking up the kids?”), leaving no room for emotional intimacy.
How to Reconnect:
Start small. Set aside ten minutes a day to talk about anything except logistics. Ask open-ended questions like, “What was the best part of your day?” Active listening is love in action.
2. Loss of Priority
Life gets busy. Careers, children, and aging parents can all demand your attention, pushing your partner to the bottom of the list. When your partner feels like an afterthought, resentment builds.
How to Reconnect:
Schedule it. It might sound unromantic, but putting “date night” or even “coffee together” on the calendar signals to your partner that they matter. Treat this time as sacred.
3. The Intimacy Gap
Intimacy is the glue of a romantic relationship. When physical touch, sex, or emotional vulnerability dries up, you can start to feel like roommates rather than lovers. This lack of affection can lead to deep feelings of rejection.
How to Reconnect:
Focus on non-sexual touch first. A hug that lasts a few seconds longer, holding hands while walking, or a gentle touch on the arm can begin to rebuild that bridge of safety and desire.
4. Unresolved Conflict
Sweeping issues under the rug doesn’t make them disappear; it makes them trip you up later. Unresolved arguments create a wall of tension and defensiveness that blocks love from getting through.
How to Reconnect:
Try to resolve one lingering issue, but do it differently this time. Use “I” statements (“I feel hurt when…”) instead of blaming. If the conflict feels too big, a couples counselor can provide a safe container to unpack it.
5. Taking Each Other for Granted
In the beginning, you likely thanked your partner for everything. Over time, those expectations shift. When kindness becomes expected rather than appreciated, the warmth leaves the relationship.
How to Reconnect:
Revive the habit of gratitude. verbalize what you appreciate. A simple “Thank you for making coffee this morning” can shift the entire energy of your home.
6. Erosion of Trust
Trust isn’t just broken by major betrayals like infidelity; it can be eroded by small, broken promises or little lies. Without trust, there is no safety.
How to Reconnect:
Rebuilding trust is a slow process that requires consistency. Be transparent. Keep your word, even on small things. If a major betrayal has occurred, professional guidance is often necessary to navigate the healing path safely.
7. Growing in Different Directions
You are not the same person you were ten years ago, and neither is your partner. Sometimes, personal growth leads partners down different paths with diverging values or interests.
How to Reconnect:
Get curious about who your partner is now. Support their new hobbies or interests. Find new shared activities that you can discover together, creating a new “us” that fits who you are today.
8. Lack of Emotional Support
We turn to our partners for a safe harbor during storms. If your partner consistently dismisses your feelings or isn’t there when you need them, you will eventually stop turning to them.
How to Reconnect:
Practice empathy. When your partner shares a struggle, simply validate their feelings. “That sounds incredibly hard, and I’m sorry you’re going through it” is often more powerful than trying to fix the problem.
9. Financial Stress and Values
Money is rarely just about math; it represents security, freedom, and values. differring views on spending and saving can cause chronic stress and drive a wedge between partners.
How to Reconnect:
Have calm, non-judgmental money dates. Discuss your financial goals and fears openly. Creating a shared vision for your future can turn money from a battleground into a team project.
10. Blurred Boundaries
Healthy relationships need healthy boundaries. If one partner feels suffocated or disregarded, or if family members are allowed to intrude on the relationship, intimacy suffers.
How to Reconnect:
Discuss what you need to feel safe and respected. Setting boundaries isn’t about pushing your partner away; it’s about defining the space where you can love each other best.
Is It Too Late to Save Your Relationship?
This is the question that keeps many people up at night. The truth is, if both partners are willing to do the work, it is rarely too late. Relationships go through seasons. Winter can feel long and cold, but it doesn’t mean summer won’t come again.
Reconnecting requires courage. It requires vulnerability. It requires looking at the person you fell out of love with and deciding to try to fall in love with them again.
If you are feeling stuck, you don’t have to navigate this terrain alone. Sometimes, having a neutral, compassionate third party can help you see the path forward when you are lost in the woods. At Maplewood Counseling, we are dedicated to helping couples rediscover their connection.
You deserve a love that feels alive.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
Q: Can you fall back in love with the same person?
A: Absolutely. Love is often a practice as much as a feeling. By changing the dynamic, resolving old hurts, and injecting new energy into the relationship, many couples find their second phase of love is even deeper than the first.
Q: How do I know if I should stay or leave?
A: This is a deeply personal decision. If there is abuse, safety is the priority. However, if the issue is drift or conflict, consider if both of you are willing to try. Often, seeking therapy can provide the clarity needed to make this decision with confidence.
Q: My partner refuses to go to therapy. Can I go alone?
A: Yes. Relationship dynamics can shift even if only one person changes their behavior. Individual therapy can help you clarify your needs, set boundaries, and communicate more effectively, which often positively impacts the relationship.
Q: How long does it take to reconnect?
A: There is no set timeline. It took time to drift apart, and it will take time to come back together. Focus on small, consistent steps rather than immediate transformation. Patience is a key part of the process.
Helpful Resources
- Individual Therapy: Personalized support for managing depression and stress.
- Understanding Anxiety: Learn how therapy can help manage anxiety.
- Grief Counseling: Support for processing loss and navigating grief.
- Guide to Self-Esteem: Build confidence and self-worth.
- Trauma-Informed Therapy: Support for Couples healing from past trauma.