Maplewood Counseling

Interfaith Couples: Conversations to Have Before One Partner Converts

When one partner decides to convert to the other’s religion, it can bring a couple closer, or it can quietly plant seeds of resentment. In my work with couples, the difference usually comes down to the conversations they have before the decision is made, and keeping the lines of communication open after.

Conversations to have before one partner converts

It helps if couples talk about several things when one partner converts, to avoid resentment later on:

  • What does this mean to you? Some possible reasons are family pressure, fear of losing the relationship, or trying to please your partner.
  • What are you afraid of? For example: How will we handle holidays and family gatherings? How will we raise our kids?
  • What do you need from me? Understanding about giving up certain traditions, or including them if possible, and help handling family challenges.
  • What happens if, down the road, one of us feels differently?

Can sharing the same religion bring couples together?

Practicing the same religion can bring couples together by sharing rituals, holidays, common values and things to look forward to together. But it is not a substitute for the need to communicate and to deal with trust and respect, since couples of the same faith still struggle. Connection comes from respect and curiosity, not from having the same beliefs.

Advice for interfaith couples struggling with cultural differences

  • Be curious, and ask about the meaning behind certain traditions.
  • Build a blend of traditions: alternate them, or even create new ones.
  • Remember to respect your differences rather than trying to avoid or erase them.
  • Get help early, before resentment builds. The earlier the better, to avoid years of hurt.

Getting support

If you and your partner are working through faith or cultural differences, you don’t have to figure it out alone. Learn more about our multicultural and interfaith counseling or our couples therapy in NJ.

Debra Feinberg, LCSW, is the founder of Maplewood Counseling in Maplewood, NJ, where she works with couples on communication, trust and relationship challenges.