Shame. Such a very complicated and painful feeling. Dr. Brené Brown is a shame and vulnerability researcher, and she has spent the past decade studying vulnerability, shame, courage, and worthiness. She defines shame as “is the intensely painful feeling that we are unworthy of love and belonging.”
It is such an awful place to be. On the one hand, you desperately want to connect with others and get their support (something we ALL need). On the other hand, you don’t dare risk becoming vulnerable because it does not feel (or never has never felt) safe. The end result? You end up feeling isolated and very, very alone. According to Brené Brown, Ph.D., LMSW, shame can destroy lives.
Dr. Brené Brown: “Shame Is Lethal”
Shame and vulnerability researcher Dr. Brené Brown says shame is the intensely painful feeling that we are unworthy of love and belonging. It’s the most primitive human emotion we all feel—and the one no one wants to talk about. If left to its own devices, Dr. Brown says, shame can destroy lives. Watch as she reveals the three things shame requires to grow—and the one thing that can stop shame in its tracks.
This next video is on of the most popular TED talks
Listening to Shame
Common Shame Issues:
Is this you? You’re ashamed of:
the way you are treatedby your spouse, partner or others.
the way you treatyour spouse, partner or others.
a failed relationship, being single, going through a divorce, making bad relationship choices.
the way you look (weight issues, too short, too tall, not attractive or desirable enough, etc..).
losing your job, financial struggles or making enough money to make ends meet.
your intelligence or not feeling smart enough.
Shame makes us feel like we’re not good enough- a general sense of being unlovable and unworthy. If you need help dealing with shame, therapy can help. You may also find these books and resources by Dr. Brene Brown very helpful.
Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Leadby Brown, Brene(Sep 11, 2012) The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Areby Brown, Brene(Sep 20, 2010) I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t): Making the Journey from “What Will People Think?” to “I Am Enough” by Brown, Brene(Feb 1, 2007)
We hope you find this information helpful. Contact us if we can help you in Essex County, NJ at 973-902-8700.
Are you feeling isolated and alone? Is isolating causing you to feel depressed and ashamed or is it the other way around? Social or emotional isolation can have very painful consequences. It can even affect your health.
Alone Time – Is it Helping or Hurting?
Spending time alone can be a very healthy way to deal with a busy, stressful life. It’s a way of emotionally and mentally recharging. It’s great to have some quiet time to relax, deal with stress and do things you enjoy. After all, everyone could use a break from day to day responsibilities, whether it’s work, family or household responsibilities. There are many benefits to finding time for yourself.
However, if spending time alone is more about avoiding others and fearing interacting with others ( friends, family, at work), it can hurt you. Isolating might feel like the safer option, but it can make you feel worse.
Why do people isolate?
you feel sad ( and/or ashamed) and learned it’s safer to withdraw rather than risk reaching out to others for help
you feel ashamed or struggling with low self esteem or self worth
you feel depressed and have never felt like anyone can help or cares
you’re grieving over the loss of a family member or going through a painful divorce or break up
you’re in a painful marriage or relationship and feel very alone and can’t let people know how awful you’re feeling
you don’t feel like you have people who can you can trust to be there for you
social interactions feel more painful than isolating
you struggle making friends or dealing with others in social situations
you’ve moved to a new area ( common in Maplewood and South Orange ) and it’s hard to make new friends and get connected
you have a new baby and the change feels isolating
you’re an introvert and/or a highly sensitive person ( HSP ) that is finding it more difficult, overwhelming and draining to put yourself out there
If you’re feeling isolated and alone and have pulled away from people in your life, find out what may help connect. You have to feel safe enough to reach out and stop isolating.
Therapy and support groups can help deal with the issues that make you isolate. You can find ways to deal with your fears and anxiety to get more connected and socially engaged. For some people, it might mean learning how to reconnect with family and friends you can trust, and with others, it might mean finding a support group or other support network to help you.
Feeling Isolated and Alone
Reach out for help when you’re ready. Get in touch here contact us.
Healing from Trauma and PTSD: Finding Your Path Forward
Has a painful experience left a lasting mark on your life? Do you feel stuck in a cycle of anxiety, flashbacks, or emotional numbness that you can’t seem to break? Trauma can feel like an invisible weight, impacting your relationships, your sense of safety, and your ability to feel like yourself. You are not alone, and healing is possible.
At Maplewood Counseling, we understand that trauma is not just a memory; it’s a deep wound that lives in the body and mind. Our approach to trauma and PTSD therapy is grounded in compassion, safety, and proven methods that help you process what happened and reclaim your life. We provide a supportive, non-judgmental space where you can gently untangle the knots of the past and begin to build a future filled with hope and resilience.
[Book a Confidential Consultation to Start Healing]
Understanding Trauma’s Impact
Trauma is more than just a bad event. It’s any experience that overwhelms your ability to cope, leaving you feeling helpless and unsafe. It can stem from a single incident like an accident or assault, or from ongoing distress such as emotional neglect, discrimination, or a high-conflict relationship.
The effects can show up in ways you might not expect:
Emotional Upheaval: Intense fear, anger, guilt, or periods of feeling completely numb.
Intrusive Memories: Unwanted flashbacks, nightmares, or distressing thoughts about the event.
Avoidance: Staying away from people, places, or situations that remind you of the trauma.
Hypervigilance: Feeling constantly on edge, easily startled, or always looking for danger.
Relationship Strain: Difficulty trusting others, feeling disconnected, or struggling with intimacy.
These are not signs of weakness; they are normal responses to abnormal experiences. Our goal is to help you understand these responses and develop new, healthy ways of coping.
Our Approach: Gentle, Effective, Trauma-Informed Care
Healing from trauma isn’t about “getting over it.” It’s about integrating the experience into your story in a way that no longer controls your present. Our therapists are trained in Trauma-Informed Care, meaning every aspect of our work is designed to create safety, build trust, and empower you.
We utilize a range of evidence-based therapies tailored to your unique needs:
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT): Helps repair the bonds in your relationships that have been damaged by trauma, fostering a secure connection where healing can happen together.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): Provides practical tools to challenge and change the negative thought patterns and behaviors that keep you stuck in a trauma response.
Mindfulness-Based Practices: Teaches you to ground yourself in the present moment, manage overwhelming emotions, and reduce your body’s stress response.
Psychodynamic & IFS-Informed Therapy: Explores how past experiences shape your current self and helps you connect with and heal the wounded parts of you with compassion.
We move at your pace, ensuring you never feel rushed or pressured. Your story is yours to tell, and we are here to listen with empathy and guide you with expertise.
What if I’m not ready to talk about the details of what happened? That is perfectly okay. Trauma therapy does not require you to immediately relive painful memories. A crucial part of our work is first establishing safety and building coping skills. You are always in control of what you share and when. The focus is on healing, not re-traumatizing.
How can therapy help if I can’t change what happened in the past? While we cannot change the past, therapy can change the power the past has over your present. The goal is to reduce the emotional charge of the memories, process the stored trauma in your body, and help you create a life that isn’t defined by what you’ve been through.
My trauma happened a long time ago. Is it too late to get help? It is never too late. The brain and nervous system have an incredible capacity for healing at any age. Many people seek therapy years or even decades after a traumatic event and find profound relief and a renewed sense of well-being.
How does trauma affect relationships, and can couples therapy help? Trauma can deeply impact trust, intimacy, and communication. One partner might feel distant while the other feels helpless. Couples therapy can be incredibly effective, creating a safe space for both partners to understand the trauma’s impact and learn how to support each other’s healing, ultimately strengthening their bond.
What does it mean to be “trauma-informed”? It means we recognize the widespread impact of trauma and understand potential paths for recovery. We prioritize your physical and emotional safety, build trustworthiness, offer choices, and collaborate with you in a way that empowers you throughout the entire therapeutic process.
You Deserve to Feel Safe and Whole Again
Healing is not a linear process, but it is a possible one. You have already shown incredible strength by surviving. Now, let us help you move from surviving to thriving. Maplewood Counseling is here to provide the expert guidance and compassionate support you need to walk the path of recovery.
Why Unrealistic Expectations Can Hurt Relationships
Reviewed by Debra Feinberg LCSW
At Maplewood Counseling, we provide inclusive care for people of all races, cultures, and backgrounds, including interfaith, interracial, BIPOC, LGBTQIA+, and blended families. Our therapists bring lived experiences and specialized training to create a safe, affirming space for all.
Most people enter a relationship with real hope and excitement. You picture warmth, laughter, and a deep, lasting connection with your partner. These dreams are natural and can help you grow closer. But sometimes, those dreams quietly turn into unrealistic expectations—standards that are too hard for anyone to reach. When reality doesn’t match these ideas, it can lead to disappointment, conflict, and resentment that slowly wears away at your relationship.
You’re not alone if you’ve ever thought your partner should just know what you need, or that things should always feel easy and fun. Many people—no matter who they are—struggle with hidden hopes or silent rules about how their relationship “should” be. The trouble is, when these expectations aren’t shared or are impossible to meet, both partners can end up frustrated or hurt.
In this post, let’s look at where these expectations come from, why they can cause trouble, and how you can build a healthier relationship based on understanding and acceptance.
Where Do Unrealistic Expectations Come From?
These high expectations don’t just appear out of nowhere. Often, they form from things we’ve seen, heard, or lived through.
Messages from the World Around Us
Fairy tales and movies love to show “perfect” relationships—never-ending romance, big gestures, and partners who never argue. It’s easy to believe real life should look the same, but real connections take effort, patience, and honesty. When your own partnership feels ordinary or includes disagreements, you might feel let down, even though that’s perfectly normal.
Your Own History
The way we grew up, former relationships, and even the way friends and families talk about love can shape our expectations. Maybe you saw certain patterns, or maybe you’re hoping to avoid past hurts. All of this adds up and can set standards that don’t always fit your relationship today.
The Mind-Reading Trap
One common example is hoping your partner will always know what you mean or need—without you saying it. This is hard on both people. No one knows everything about how someone else is feeling unless they say it out loud. Expecting your partner to read your mind sets everyone up for frustration and disappointment. Real closeness comes from sharing our feelings, not guessing them.
How High Expectations Affect Your Relationship
When you hold onto ideas that are tough or impossible to meet, the effects can be painful and long-lasting for both partners.
How Resentment Starts
Resentment can creep in when things feel unfair or if you feel ignored, unappreciated, or misunderstood. For example, maybe you expect your partner to always remember important dates or know how to comfort you every time you’re upset. If those needs aren’t met, the feeling of being let down builds up, and you might start to pull away or become upset over time.
The Pattern of Disappointment
If you expect too much, your partner may often feel like they can’t do enough. You may find yourself pointing out what isn’t working, hoping things will change. This can make your partner feel unworthy or always in the wrong, which can lead to more distance, arguments, or hurt.
A Loss of Connection
When partners feel judged or worry they’re not measuring up, it becomes hard to be open with each other. You might stop sharing, holding your real self back out of fear. Even physical affection can fade when you’re both feeling on edge. What started as excitement and closeness can turn into loneliness, even when you’re together.
How to Recognize and Change Unrealistic Expectations
Letting go of impossible standards is a caring step for yourself and your partner. It allows your relationship to be more real and satisfying.
1. Take a Step Back and Reflect
Spend a moment thinking about what you expect from your partner and why. Try asking yourself:
Where does this idea come from?
Is it something you’ve talked about together?
Is this fair or possible for anyone?
How does it feel when these expectations aren’t met—for you and for your partner?
Writing down your thoughts or talking with someone you trust can help you spot patterns and decide if you want to hold onto these ideas.
2. Use Clear, Kind Communication
Instead of blaming or assuming, share your feelings in a calm and direct way. For example:
Try: “I feel stressed when the house is messy and would love to team up to tidy up together.”
Instead of: “You never help out around here.”
Speaking this way makes it easier for both partners to listen and work toward solutions together.
3. Embrace “Good Enough”
No relationship is perfect. It’s okay—and normal—to have arguments, dull moments, or tough times. Learning to see the strengths in your relationship, even when things aren’t movie-perfect, makes you both happier in the long run. Celebrate the small moments—a shared smile or a quiet hug. Those count just as much.
4. Practice Empathy and Curiosity
Remember, everyone comes with their own history and struggles. If your partner misses the mark, try to understand instead of judge. Ask gentle questions, like, “I felt hurt that this was forgotten—can we talk about what happened?” This starts a real conversation, not a fight, and helps you both feel heard.
Moving Toward a Healthier, More Supportive Partnership
Letting go of unrealistic expectations isn’t about accepting less respect or love; it’s about making room for your real relationship to thrive. It means replacing silent rules with open, honest talks about what you both need and want.
If you’re finding it hard to shake feelings of frustration or distance, you don’t have to figure it out alone. Couples counseling is a safe, non-judgmental space where you both can explore these challenges and learn new ways to connect. A caring therapist can help you spot old habits, talk more openly, and support each other with understanding.
You deserve a relationship based on real support, trust, and acceptance. If you’re ready to leave behind impossible standards and build something strong and loving together, we’re here to help. Reach out to Maplewood Counseling to find out how you can start your journey to a healthier partnership.
Couples Therapy Find support for relationships with compassionate, evidence-based couples counseling tailored to your unique needs.
Individual Therapy Explore personal growth and emotional well-being in a confidential, supportive environment designed for individuals.
Family Therapy in NJ Strengthen family bonds and navigate life’s challenges together with our inclusive, family-focused therapy services.
Contact Us Ready to take the next step or have questions? Connect with our team for guidance, scheduling, or more information. We’re here to help.
If you have additional questions or want to take the next step, please don’t hesitate to reach out. Your well-being matters to us, and we are here for you every step of the way.
Rebuilding Your Life After Divorce: Healing, Growth, and New Beginnings
Rebuilding, Healing, and Embracing New Beginnings
Divorce is one of life’s most challenging transitions. It can leave you feeling overwhelmed, uncertain, and emotionally drained. But while the end of a marriage marks a significant loss, it also opens the door to new opportunities for growth, healing, and self-discovery.
At Maplewood Counseling, we provide compassionate, inclusive support to help you navigate life after divorce. Whether you’re processing grief, rebuilding your confidence, or preparing to embrace the next chapter, we’re here to guide you every step of the way.
The Emotional Impact of Divorce
Divorce is not just a legal process—it’s an emotional journey. You may experience a range of feelings, including:
Grief and Loss: Mourning the end of your relationship and shared dreams.
Anger and Resentment: Struggling to let go of blame or unresolved conflicts.
Fear and Uncertainty: Worrying about the future or starting over.
Loneliness: Adjusting to life without your partner.
These emotions are valid and part of the healing process. With time, support, and self-compassion, you can move forward and create a fulfilling life.
Steps to Rebuild Your Life After Divorce
1. Allow Yourself to Grieve
Healing begins with acknowledging your feelings. Give yourself permission to grieve the loss of your marriage and process your emotions without judgment.
2. Seek Support
You don’t have to go through this alone. Consider joining a divorce support group, working with a therapist, or confiding in trusted friends and family.
3. Focus on Self-Care
Prioritize your physical and emotional well-being. Exercise, eat nourishing foods, and engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation.
4. Reflect and Learn
Take time to reflect on your relationship and identify lessons that can help you grow. This isn’t about blaming yourself or your ex—it’s about understanding what you need to thrive in the future.
5. Set New Goals
Divorce is an opportunity to redefine your life. Set personal, professional, or creative goals that align with your values and aspirations.
6. Embrace New Experiences
Step out of your comfort zone and explore new hobbies, interests, or social connections. This can help you rediscover your identity and build confidence.
Finding Peace and Forgiveness
Forgiveness is a powerful step toward healing. This doesn’t mean excusing hurtful behavior, but rather releasing the anger and resentment that can hold you back. By letting go of toxic emotions, you create space for peace, growth, and new possibilities.
Q: How long does it take to heal after a divorce? A: Healing is a personal journey, and the timeline varies for everyone. It may take months or even years to fully process your emotions and rebuild your life. Be patient with yourself and seek support when needed.
Q: How can I help my children adjust to life after divorce? A: Open communication, consistency, and reassurance are key. Encourage your children to express their feelings and remind them that they are loved and supported. Family counseling can also be beneficial.
Q: Is it normal to feel lonely after divorce? A: Yes, loneliness is a common experience after divorce. Building a support network, exploring new interests, and connecting with others can help you navigate this transition.
Q: When should I start dating again? A: There’s no “right” time to start dating. Focus on healing and rebuilding your confidence first. When you feel ready, approach dating with an open mind and clear boundaries.
Q: Can therapy help me move on after divorce? A: Absolutely. Therapy provides a safe space to process your emotions, gain insights, and develop strategies for moving forward. A therapist can also help you navigate challenges like co-parenting or rebuilding self-esteem.
Real-Life Stories of Resilience
S’s Journey: Rediscovering Herself
After her divorce, S felt lost and unsure of her identity. Through therapy and self-reflection, she rediscovered her passions and built a fulfilling life centered on her goals and values.
J’s Experience: Co-Parenting with Compassion
J struggled with anger and resentment toward his ex-spouse. With the help of counseling, he learned to prioritize his children’s well-being and develop a cooperative co-parenting relationship.
A’s New Chapter: Embracing Change
A, a member of the LGBTQIA+ community, faced unique challenges after their divorce. By connecting with an affirming therapist, Alex found the support they needed to heal and embrace their authentic self.
Inclusive Support for All
At Maplewood Counseling, we provide inclusive care for individuals of all backgrounds, including interfaith, interracial, BIPOC, LGBTQIA+, and blended families. Our therapists bring lived experiences and specialized training to create a safe, affirming space where you can heal and grow.
Take the First Step Toward Healing
Life after divorce is not the end—it’s a new beginning. At Maplewood Counseling, we’re here to help you navigate this transition with compassion and expertise.
Explore our Individual Counseling Services or Contact Us today to schedule a session. Together, we’ll help you heal, grow, and embrace the next chapter of your life.
