Has your relationship been shaken by a deep hurt? Whether you’ve recently discovered an affair, are still grappling with a past betrayal, or feel a growing resentment because your partner wasn’t there for you when it mattered most, the pain can feel overwhelming. You might find yourself stuck in a cycle of anger and sadness, wondering if you’ll ever feel at peace again.
Struggling to forgive doesn’t make you weak; it makes you human. When someone you love and trust hurts you, the wound is profound. But holding onto that pain indefinitely can become a heavy burden, impacting your well-being long after the initial event. Forgiveness is often misunderstood. It is not about condoning the behavior or letting the other person “off the hook.” It is a process of releasing yourself from the grip of resentment so that you can heal.
At Maplewood Counseling, we understand how difficult this journey can be. We are here to provide a supportive space where you can explore these complex feelings and decide what moving forward looks like for you.
If you’ve experienced infidelity or serious breaches of trust, you may find our Guide to Couples Counseling especially helpful as you work through what comes next.
Understanding What Forgiveness Really Means
Before you can even consider forgiving someone, it’s important to understand what it is—and what it is not. Many people resist forgiveness because they believe it means they have to forget what happened or act as if everything is fine. That couldn’t be further from the truth.
- Forgiveness is not forgetting. The memory of the hurt will likely always be there. Forgiveness is about reducing the emotional charge of that memory so it no longer controls you.
- Forgiveness is not reconciliation. You can forgive someone without choosing to continue the relationship. Deciding to forgive is a personal act of healing, while reconciliation is a mutual decision that requires both partners to be committed to rebuilding trust. For guidance on rebuilding trust after hurt or infidelity, consider our page on Types of Couples Counseling for Communication Problems.
- Forgiveness is not a sign of weakness. It takes immense strength to look at your pain, process it, and choose to let go of the anger that is tying you to it.
- Forgiveness is primarily for you. While it can benefit the relationship, the main purpose of forgiveness is to free yourself from the negative emotions that can harm your mental and physical health over time.
When you hold onto anger, you are the one who continues to suffer. Forgiveness is the act of taking your power back.
Your Experience is Valid Here
The journey of forgiveness is unique for every person and every couple. We recognize that your background, culture, and personal values shape how you navigate hurt and healing. At Maplewood Counseling, we offer inclusive care to individuals and families of every race, culture, and background—including interfaith, interracial, BIPOC, LGBTQIA+, and blended families. Our team’s lived experiences and specialized training help us create a safe, affirming environment where every client feels seen and supported. Your pain is real, and your path to healing will be honored here.
If you’re also working through anger as part of the forgiveness process, our Anger Management Counseling offers supportive tools and professional guidance tailored to couples and individuals.
Practical Steps Toward Forgiveness
Forgiveness is not a switch you can flip; it is a gradual process with ups and downs. There is no set timeline, so be patient with yourself. Here are some steps to guide you on the path.
1. Acknowledge Your Pain and Anger
You cannot heal a wound you pretend doesn’t exist. Allow yourself to feel the full spectrum of your emotions—the anger, the betrayal, the sadness. Write them down in a journal or talk to a trusted friend. Giving these feelings a voice is the first step to releasing their power over you.
- Actionable Tip: Try the “empty chair” technique. Imagine the person who hurt you sitting in a chair opposite you. Say everything you need to say without interruption. Don’t hold back. This can be a powerful way to express pent-up emotions in a safe space.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed by persistent sadness or loss as you process forgiveness, you might benefit from our Grief Counseling services.
2. Understand the “Why” Without Condoning the “What”
This step involves trying to understand the circumstances or mindset that led to the hurtful action. This is not about making excuses for the behavior. It is about shifting your perspective from seeing the person as purely malicious to seeing them as a flawed human who made a terrible mistake. Understanding can help depersonalize the hurt, making it less of a constant, personal attack.
When trauma is part of your history or your relationship, consider our Trauma-Informed Couples Care for compassionate strategies to support both yourself and your partner.
3. Make a Conscious Decision to Let Go
At some point, you must make an active choice to release the grudge. This doesn’t mean the pain will vanish overnight. It means you are committing to stop replaying the event in your mind and allowing it to define your present.
- Try This: Create a small ritual to symbolize letting go. You could write down your feelings of anger and resentment and then safely burn the paper, or imagine placing the heavy weight of the grudge into a balloon and letting it float away.
Building self-esteem might be an important part of releasing resentment. Our Guide to Self-Esteem and Personal Growth includes practical tools to help you regain confidence on your forgiveness journey.
4. Decide on the Future of the Relationship
Forgiveness and reconciliation are two separate paths. Once you begin to find peace for yourself, you must decide if the relationship can be saved. This depends heavily on your partner’s willingness to take responsibility, show remorse, and actively participate in rebuilding trust.
If your partner is committed to healing, couples counseling can provide the structure and guidance needed to repair your bond. If they are not willing to do the work, forgiveness may mean letting go of the relationship in order to protect your own well-being.
If you’re not sure whether to stay or leave, our Individual Therapy options can support you in making choices that honor your needs.
