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Dealing with Relationship Conflict

Dealing with Relationship Conflict

Anxiety, Depression, Grief, Relationships, Therapist

A Compassionate Guide to Resolving Relationship Conflicts

Reviewed by Debra Feinberg LCSW at Maplewood Counseling

Maplewood Counseling Navigating Intercultural Conflict

Do you ever feel like you and your partner are speaking different languages, especially when disagreements arise? It’s a common feeling. Every relationship, no matter how strong, faces moments of conflict. These challenges, whether they’re about finances, chores, parenting, or how you spend your time, are not signs of failure. Instead, they are opportunities to connect, understand, and empower your partnership.

Feeling misunderstood or stuck in a cycle of arguments can be disheartening, but please know you’re not alone in this. What if you could transform these challenges into moments of growth and reignite your bond? With the right tools and a shared commitment, it is entirely possible to navigate these disputes with empathy and emerge stronger together.

This guide provides a clear, step-by-step path to help you and your partner resolve conflicts constructively and build a more resilient connection.

Common Areas of Conflict in Relationships

It’s completely normal for couples to disagree. Recognizing the common sources of friction can be the first step toward understanding and resolution. Many couples find themselves navigating conflicts related to:

  • Financial Decisions: Disagreements over spending habits, saving goals, or unexpected expenses can create significant stress. One partner might be a saver, while the other prioritizes immediate enjoyment.
  • Household Responsibilities: An unequal distribution of chores and mental load can lead to feelings of resentment and being undervalued.
  • Parenting Styles: Differences in disciplinary approaches or core parenting philosophies can cause tension and undermine a united front.
  • Time Management: Disputes over how to spend leisure time, balancing social events with personal time, or feeling like you’re not getting enough quality time together can be a recurring issue.

Do any of these scenarios sound familiar? If so, you’re in the right place. Let’s explore how to handle these moments with grace and collaboration.

Your Step-by-Step Guide to Effective Conflict Resolution

Navigating a disagreement requires creating a safe space for connection where both partners feel heard and respected. Here are five essential steps to guide you through the process, complete with dialogues to help you put them into practice.

Step 1: Practice Active Listening

The first and most crucial step is to truly listen. This means putting aside your own defense or desire to respond and giving your partner your full, uninterrupted attention. The goal here is not to agree, but to understand their perspective.

What this looks like in conversation:

Partner A: “I feel like we’re always arguing about money. It’s really starting to worry me. Can we talk about it?”

Partner B: “Okay, I’m listening. Tell me what’s on your mind, and I promise to just listen and try to understand where you’re coming from.”

How to do it effectively:

  • Put away distractions (phones, TV).
  • Make eye contact to show you’re engaged.
  • Nod or use small verbal cues (“I see,” “uh-huh”) to show you’re following.
  • Resist the urge to interrupt or formulate your rebuttal while they’re speaking.

Step 2: Express Your Feelings and Needs Respectfully

Once you’ve listened, it’s your turn to share. The key is to speak from your own experience using “I” statements. This approach avoids blame and helps your partner understand the emotional impact of the situation on you, rather than feeling attacked.

What this looks like in conversation:

Partner A: “I feel stressed when we spend so much on eating out because I’m worried we won’t be able to save for the vacation we talked about.”

Partner B: “I hear that. From my side, after a long day at work, I feel like I need that time to decompress and enjoy a nice meal without the stress of cooking.”

How to do it effectively:

  • Start sentences with “I feel…” or “I need…”
  • Focus on the specific behavior, not on your partner’s character.
  • Be calm and clear about your emotions and what’s driving them.

Step 3: Identify the Core Issue Together

Often, the thing you’re arguing about isn’t the real issue. A fight about dishes might actually be about feeling unappreciated. A disagreement about spending might be rooted in different values around security and freedom. Gently dig deeper to uncover the underlying emotions and needs.

What this looks like in conversation:

Partner A: “It seems like the real issue isn’t just about eating out. I think we have different priorities when it comes to money.”

Partner B: “Yes, I think you’re right. I value immediate enjoyment and relaxation, while you’re focused on our long-term goals. Both feel important.”

How to do it effectively:

  • Ask open-ended questions like, “What is this really about for you?”
  • Show empathy for your partner’s underlying feelings.
  • Acknowledge that both perspectives hold validity.

Step 4: Brainstorm Mutually Acceptable Solutions

Now it’s time to shift from being opponents to being a team. The goal is not for one person to “win,” but for the relationship to win. Work together to find a compromise that honors both of your needs.

What this looks like in conversation:

Partner A: “How about we create a budget together? We could allocate specific funds for both our needs—saving for the trip and having some fun now.”

Partner B: “That sounds fair. Maybe we can set a specific amount for eating out each month. That way, I can still get my treat, and you’ll know our savings are on track.”

How to do it effectively:

  • Be open to all suggestions at first, without judgment.
  • Focus on collaboration (“we” instead of “you” or “I”).
  • Look for a win-win solution where both partners feel their core needs are being met.

Step 5: Implement and Evaluate Your Solution

A solution is only as good as its implementation. Agree on a plan and commit to trying it for a set period. It’s also important to check in with each other to see how it’s working.

What this looks like in conversation:

Partner A: “Okay, let’s try this budget for one month and see how it feels. It might reduce the stress for both of us.”

Partner B: “Agreed. We can check in at the end of the month and adjust it if we need to. Let’s give it a fair shot.”

How to do it effectively:

  • Be specific about the plan and when you will start.
  • Schedule a follow-up conversation.
  • Be flexible and willing to adjust the plan as needed. Relationships are dynamic, and so are their solutions.

Empower Your Partnership Today

Conflict is an inevitable part of sharing a life with someone, but it doesn’t have to be destructive. By approaching disagreements with empathy, respect, and a commitment to understanding, you can transform challenges into opportunities for deeper connection.

If you find that navigating these conversations is still difficult, or if the issues feel too complex to handle on your own, please remember that seeking support is a sign of strength. Our counseling services provide a safe, non-judgmental space to help you and your partner develop these skills with expert guidance.

Are you ready to transform your relationship? Contact us today to learn how we can help you reignite your bond and empower your partnership.

 

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Marriage.com

Working Toward Couples, Marriage Counseling success

Working Toward Couples, Marriage Counseling success

Relationships, Therapist

Marriage Counseling Success

What is Takes
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Working toward couples, marriage counseling success

How early should you start couples counseling?

Are you working toward couples marriage counseling success? People sometimes wonder whether they could’ve saved their relationship through marriage counseling or couples therapy. If they had done something sooner, would it have made a difference?

Let’s compare a couple’s relationship with maintaining your car. By the way, there’s no intention to objectify your spouse or partner with this comparison. The purpose is to compare how much time and attention people spend on their vehicles to keep them in good working order. For example, you inspect your tires, add air, and get them turned or aligned. You routinely check fluids—brake fluid, water and oil. And every several thousand miles, you change oil and filters.  You also recognize the warning signs if something that needs to be fixed. You know what to watch out for and what to repair right away. Why all the maintenance? Maintenance is important because it can avert a major breakdown. It can help you avoid disaster, such as a tire blowout, an engine seizure or a car crash.

Just the way vehicles need maintenance, so do relationships. Obviously, they require a different kind of maintenance. Thoughtful communication, attention and tender care can do a lot to repair a relationship.

Unfortunately, many of us don’t consistently devote the time and care that relationships need. In fact, this is evident in the 50% divorce rate that exists in the U.S. Perhaps, all too often, we take relationships for granted. If so, we might not see the warning signs that our relationship is falling apart. By the time we consider taking action, it might be too late to salvage it.

Tackling problems early on is best. When you deal with problems before they mount up, chances are you can restore the loving relationship you started out with.

Warning signs that a relationship is in trouble

The following are some indications that your relationship is faltering:

  • Fault-finding? Do you find yourself continuously aware of your partner’s faults? Do you often voice criticisms? Is your partner often critical of you?
  • Aggressive? Are your interactions with each other riddled with sarcastic remarks, arguments, knitted eyebrows and grimaces?
  • Feeling defensive? Do you or your partner take what the other says the wrong way, even when trying to turn over a new leaf or revitalize your relationship?
  • Drifting apart? Are you spending less and less time with each other, finding other interests and people to hang out with?
  • Envisioning a different life? Do wonder what life would be like with a different partner? Do you spend time daydreaming about being with someone else that you know?

If the above sounds familiar and is prevalent in your life, couples counseling can help. To get involved in couples therapy, you don’t have to wait until your relationship is falling apart. In fact, most couples are wise to seek counseling before their relationship reaches the stages described above.

What can trigger the above types of behavior?

Life changing experiences are often the beginning of downturns in a couple’s life together. Examples of triggers may include: childbirth, caring for elderly parents, relocation, career changes, death of a loved one or serious health issues. 

How can you plan for couples marriage counseling success?

The best way to avert disaster is to get help early on. Counseling can help you manage stress and communicate more effectively. Devote the time and attention to your relationship that it deserves. Learn how to nurture trust, intimacy, and gratitude. When you do, then you can also watch your lives improve.

Find out more about marriage counseling

If you have questions, we’re glad to answer them. Take the first step by reaching out to us.

Contact Maplewoood Counseling

 

 

Maplewood Counseling
Offering Online & In-person Sessions
169 Maplewood Ave Suite 4
Maplewood, NJ 07040
Call Now (973) 793-1000

Working Toward Couples, Marriage Counseling success

Trauma Therapy Help You Recover from PTSD

Anxiety, Depression, Grief, Therapist

Trauma Therapy

Help with PTSD using EMDR

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How EMDR Trauma Therapy Help You

PTSD Treatment with Excellent Results for Many People

In terms of trauma therapy, EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing. It’s a long phrase. But broken down, you can understand better what it means. It’s a type of trauma therapy that uses eye movement while recalling a traumatic experience. The treatment addresses portions of the incident at a time. And it desensitizes the experience. In other words, it lessens your emotional and physical reaction to it.

When anyone experiences trauma, there are typically three reactive responses: fight, flight or freeze. All three are very uncomfortable responses. Fight triggers aggressive emotions like anger or antagonism. Flight immerses you in fear—you can’t escape fast enough. And freeze—well, that’s awful too because freeze traps you in numbness or fear, making you feel powerless. Meanwhile the threat continues, consuming all of your energy and attention.

Long after the trauma is over, the negative emotions and memory of it can remain. PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) is often the result. In everyday life, when a stressor triggers the trauma, you keep reliving the negative responses. These responses impact your life in one form or another.

Are you a candidate for EMDR?

Here are some questions that may help you consider whether EMDR might be right for you:

  • Have you ever faced a life threatening situation that left you depressed, afraid or numb afterward?
  • Has a doctor diagnosed you with PTSD?
  • Have you experienced PTSD as a result of serious medical problems, war or mass violence, sexual assault, a natural disaster or a car accident?
  • Are you having flashbacks or nightmares?
  • Do guilty, angry or worrisome feelings linger and bother you?
  • Do you have out-of-body experiences where the world doesn’t seem real anymore?
  • Did you experience something terrible that stripped you of all your confidence and you’ve never been the same since?
  • Is anxiety or depression a pressing problem?
  • Do you suffer from panic attacks?

How does EMDR work?

The therapist targets a particular traumatic experience for processing. Then, you follow the horizontal movement of their finger while recalling part of the traumatic experience. Or the therapist may use hand tapping or audio stimuli instead of trauma therapy eye movement.

The treatment unblocks you and frees you from the trauma. This allows healing to take place. Given the chance, it is natural for your mind to heal.

EMDR was developed 25 years ago and since then millions of people have experienced success using this treatment. Here are some EMDR statistics from various studies:

  • 84%-90% of single-trauma victims no longer experienced PTSD after three 90-minute sessions
  • 100% of single-trauma victims and 77% of multiple trauma victims were no longer diagnosed with PTSD after six 50 minute sessions.
  • 77% of combat veterans overcame PTSD in 12 sessions

Of course we can’t promise a particular result. Even so, the success this type of treatment has brought to many people is encouraging. Also, some people have said they ended up feeling empowered by the end of the therapy. They felt stronger, more present, more transformed.

Find out more about EMDR trauma therapy

We’re glad to answer your questions. Our NJ trauma therapist can explain the EMDR therapy approach in greater depth.

Contact Maplewoood Counseling

Maplewood Counseling
Offering Online & In-person Sessions
169 Maplewood Ave Suite 4
Maplewood, NJ 07040
Call Now (973) 793-1000

Five Reasons People Avoid Going to Therapy

Depression, Grief, Relationships, Therapist

Five Reasons People
Avoid Therapy

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Avoiding Getting Help?

Five reasons people avoid going to therapy

1. I’m nervous about going to therapy

A lot of people get anxious and nervous about going to therapy. Maybe they don’t know how it works or feels there must be something wrong with me/us if we need professional counseling. Some people feel like it’s “weak” to ask for professional help.
2. I/we should be able to fix things on our own
Feeling like you can fix things on your own or at least you should be able to fix things on your own. This it is another big reason people avoid going to therapy. When it comes to relationship issues, sometimes one person is asking their partner or spouse to go to therapy and the other person Continues to say no.
3. How can therapy help me/us?
A lot of people are not sure how therapy works or how it can actually help. They might hesitate because they don’t understand the process and how it can actually help them get to a better place personally or in the relationship.
4. I don’t believe in therapy
Some people just don’t believe in therapy. They don’t believe it can help or they don’t believe they need it. Sometimes it takes a person being in a very vulnerable and painful situation to be open to the idea of getting professional help.
5. I/we can’t afford it
Many people who need or want therapy feel they can’t afford it.  There are a few places, such as a local church that may offer free counseling and there are also many nonprofit counseling services that offer more affordable, lower fees. When you are looking for a highly trained professional most likely the fee will be higher and unfortunately not accessible for some people. However, there are local nonprofit counseling centers that can offer counseling at a more affordable rate.
There are many reasons people avoid therapy. Some people find their way to therapy after going through a very painful situation emotionally or in their relationship. For people that are open to the process, it can be very helpful with many personal and relationship challenges.
At Maplewood Counseling, we offer professional, confidential, and experienced counseling services in New Jersey for couples, families, and individuals. If you are in need of help, get in touch

 

 

 

 

Can Your Marriage Survive Infidelity?

Maplewood Counseling
Offering Online & In-person Sessions
169 Maplewood Ave Suite 4
Maplewood, NJ 07040
Call Now (973) 793-1000

Counseling for Anger and Depression

Counseling for Anger and Depression

Depression, Relationships, Therapist

Anger and Depression

Couples and Individual Counseling

Maplewood Counseling

Contact Maplewoood Counseling

Maplewood Counseling
Offering Online & In-person Sessions
169 Maplewood Ave Suite 4
Maplewood, NJ 07040
Call Now (973) 793-1000

Understanding Anger and Depression

Do need help with anger and depression? Do you wonder if your anger is related to being depressed and not knowing better ways to cope with your feelings?

Many men and women suffering from depression can feel angry and irritable and not understand what it really at the heart of their anger.  Some people get mean, nasty and are not expressing themselves in ways that will help.

There is a connection between anger and depression and being assessed by a mental health professional will help you sort through whether your anger is about something else or underlying depression that needs treatment.

Do you get triggered and angered easily? Does this sound familiar?

  • You get angry at your partner or spouse often
  • You push people away with your anger and reactivity
  • You don’t understand why you get so angry and feel badly after
  • You feel guilty about your anger
  • Your anger is causing problems at home or at work – or both
  • You cannot understand what is really going on, it just feels bad

A good therapist can assess and help with anger and depression. Most people that are determined can eventually become more aware of what they’re feeling and learn to express those feelings more effectively. You can reduce that emotional reactivity along with reducing fears and judgment and that will help you reduce anger and depression.

If you need help, get in touch. We’re here to help

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Improve Your Marriage

Relationships, Therapist

Improve Your Marriage in NJ

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Want to Improve Your Marriage or Relationship?

What do the most healthy and connected marriages have in common? Partners consistently emotionally respond to one another.

Emotionally responsiveness is one of the most important things you can do for a few very important reasons. It shows you are truly listening, you care about and validate their feelings. This allows the person to confirm these very important things –

  • I feel like I matter to you
  • I feel important to you
  • I feel like I can count on you
  • I fee like you’re there for me

What does it look like to emotionally respond? Here are some examples:

“I am angry you didn’t pick up the groceries”

Emotionally responding – “I’m so sorry” (this validates the other person’s emotions and shows you care about their feelings), I understand your feelings and I want you to be able to count on me” (this make the other person feel like they matter and you want the person to be able to count on you)
Opposite of emotional responsiveness – “Stop complaining, you forgot to get my dry cleaning last week” – this leads to disconnect, more anger, sadness, feeling alone, and makes the other person feel like they can’t count on and do not matter to you.

“I am feeling so sad and overwhelmed”
Emotionally responding – “I’m so sorry you’re feeling sad and overwhelmed” (this validates the other person’s emotions and shows you listening and care about their emotional experience), “I’m here for you – what can I do to help you?” (this make the other person feel like they matter even if they just want you to be present and listen and not fix anything)
Opposite of emotional responsiveness – “you’re too sensitive”, “stop crying”, ” you wouldn’t be so overwhelmed if you…” people want you to be present and not fix anything…

The best way you can be there for you spouse, partner (child, friend or other family member for that matter is – Listen and don’t try to fix anything

You can improve your marriage or relationship by improving

Find a therapist experienced with attachment issues (many are) to help you. If you’re looking for a therapist in Essex County, NJ, give us a call at 973-793-1000 or email us if that’s easier.