Dealing with Relationship Conflict
Working Toward Couples, Marriage Counseling success
Working toward couples, marriage counseling success
How early should you start couples counseling?
Are you working toward couples marriage counseling success? People sometimes wonder whether they could’ve saved their relationship through marriage counseling or couples therapy. If they had done something sooner, would it have made a difference?
Let’s compare a couple’s relationship with maintaining your car. By the way, there’s no intention to objectify your spouse or partner with this comparison. The purpose is to compare how much time and attention people spend on their vehicles to keep them in good working order. For example, you inspect your tires, add air, and get them turned or aligned. You routinely check fluids—brake fluid, water and oil. And every several thousand miles, you change oil and filters. You also recognize the warning signs if something that needs to be fixed. You know what to watch out for and what to repair right away. Why all the maintenance? Maintenance is important because it can avert a major breakdown. It can help you avoid disaster, such as a tire blowout, an engine seizure or a car crash.
Just the way vehicles need maintenance, so do relationships. Obviously, they require a different kind of maintenance. Thoughtful communication, attention and tender care can do a lot to repair a relationship.
Unfortunately, many of us don’t consistently devote the time and care that relationships need. In fact, this is evident in the 50% divorce rate that exists in the U.S. Perhaps, all too often, we take relationships for granted. If so, we might not see the warning signs that our relationship is falling apart. By the time we consider taking action, it might be too late to salvage it.
Tackling problems early on is best. When you deal with problems before they mount up, chances are you can restore the loving relationship you started out with.
Warning signs that a relationship is in trouble
The following are some indications that your relationship is faltering:
- Fault-finding? Do you find yourself continuously aware of your partner’s faults? Do you often voice criticisms? Is your partner often critical of you?
- Aggressive? Are your interactions with each other riddled with sarcastic remarks, arguments, knitted eyebrows and grimaces?
- Feeling defensive? Do you or your partner take what the other says the wrong way, even when trying to turn over a new leaf or revitalize your relationship?
- Drifting apart? Are you spending less and less time with each other, finding other interests and people to hang out with?
- Envisioning a different life? Do wonder what life would be like with a different partner? Do you spend time daydreaming about being with someone else that you know?
If the above sounds familiar and is prevalent in your life, couples counseling can help. To get involved in couples therapy, you don’t have to wait until your relationship is falling apart. In fact, most couples are wise to seek counseling before their relationship reaches the stages described above.
What can trigger the above types of behavior?
Life changing experiences are often the beginning of downturns in a couple’s life together. Examples of triggers may include: childbirth, caring for elderly parents, relocation, career changes, death of a loved one or serious health issues.
How can you plan for couples marriage counseling success?
The best way to avert disaster is to get help early on. Counseling can help you manage stress and communicate more effectively. Devote the time and attention to your relationship that it deserves. Learn how to nurture trust, intimacy, and gratitude. When you do, then you can also watch your lives improve.
Find out more about marriage counseling
If you have questions, we’re glad to answer them. Take the first step by reaching out to us.
Trauma Therapy Help You Recover from PTSD
Trauma Therapy
Help with PTSD using EMDR
How EMDR Trauma Therapy Help You
PTSD Treatment with Excellent Results for Many People
In terms of trauma therapy, EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing. It’s a long phrase. But broken down, you can understand better what it means. It’s a type of trauma therapy that uses eye movement while recalling a traumatic experience. The treatment addresses portions of the incident at a time. And it desensitizes the experience. In other words, it lessens your emotional and physical reaction to it.
When anyone experiences trauma, there are typically three reactive responses: fight, flight or freeze. All three are very uncomfortable responses. Fight triggers aggressive emotions like anger or antagonism. Flight immerses you in fear—you can’t escape fast enough. And freeze—well, that’s awful too because freeze traps you in numbness or fear, making you feel powerless. Meanwhile the threat continues, consuming all of your energy and attention.
Long after the trauma is over, the negative emotions and memory of it can remain. PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) is often the result. In everyday life, when a stressor triggers the trauma, you keep reliving the negative responses. These responses impact your life in one form or another.
Are you a candidate for EMDR?
Here are some questions that may help you consider whether EMDR might be right for you:
- Have you ever faced a life threatening situation that left you depressed, afraid or numb afterward?
- Has a doctor diagnosed you with PTSD?
- Have you experienced PTSD as a result of serious medical problems, war or mass violence, sexual assault, a natural disaster or a car accident?
- Are you having flashbacks or nightmares?
- Do guilty, angry or worrisome feelings linger and bother you?
- Do you have out-of-body experiences where the world doesn’t seem real anymore?
- Did you experience something terrible that stripped you of all your confidence and you’ve never been the same since?
- Is anxiety or depression a pressing problem?
- Do you suffer from panic attacks?
How does EMDR work?
The therapist targets a particular traumatic experience for processing. Then, you follow the horizontal movement of their finger while recalling part of the traumatic experience. Or the therapist may use hand tapping or audio stimuli instead of trauma therapy eye movement.
The treatment unblocks you and frees you from the trauma. This allows healing to take place. Given the chance, it is natural for your mind to heal.
EMDR was developed 25 years ago and since then millions of people have experienced success using this treatment. Here are some EMDR statistics from various studies:
- 84%-90% of single-trauma victims no longer experienced PTSD after three 90-minute sessions
- 100% of single-trauma victims and 77% of multiple trauma victims were no longer diagnosed with PTSD after six 50 minute sessions.
- 77% of combat veterans overcame PTSD in 12 sessions
Of course we can’t promise a particular result. Even so, the success this type of treatment has brought to many people is encouraging. Also, some people have said they ended up feeling empowered by the end of the therapy. They felt stronger, more present, more transformed.
Find out more about EMDR trauma therapy
We’re glad to answer your questions. Our NJ trauma therapist can explain the EMDR therapy approach in greater depth.
Five Reasons People Avoid Going to Therapy
Five Reasons People
Avoid Therapy
Avoiding Getting Help?
Five reasons people avoid going to therapy
1. I’m nervous about going to therapy
A lot of people get anxious and nervous about going to therapy. Maybe they don’t know how it works or feels there must be something wrong with me/us if we need professional counseling. Some people feel like it’s “weak” to ask for professional help.
2. I/we should be able to fix things on our own
Feeling like you can fix things on your own or at least you should be able to fix things on your own. This it is another big reason people avoid going to therapy. When it comes to relationship issues, sometimes one person is asking their partner or spouse to go to therapy and the other person Continues to say no.
3. How can therapy help me/us?
A lot of people are not sure how therapy works or how it can actually help. They might hesitate because they don’t understand the process and how it can actually help them get to a better place personally or in the relationship.
4. I don’t believe in therapy
Some people just don’t believe in therapy. They don’t believe it can help or they don’t believe they need it. Sometimes it takes a person being in a very vulnerable and painful situation to be open to the idea of getting professional help.
5. I/we can’t afford it
Many people who need or want therapy feel they can’t afford it. There are a few places, such as a local church that may offer free counseling and there are also many nonprofit counseling services that offer more affordable, lower fees. When you are looking for a highly trained professional most likely the fee will be higher and unfortunately not accessible for some people. However, there are local nonprofit counseling centers that can offer counseling at a more affordable rate.
There are many reasons people avoid therapy. Some people find their way to therapy after going through a very painful situation emotionally or in their relationship. For people that are open to the process, it can be very helpful with many personal and relationship challenges.
At Maplewood Counseling, we offer professional, confidential, and experienced counseling services in New Jersey for couples, families, and individuals. If you are in need of help, get in touch
Counseling for Anger and Depression
Anger and Depression
Couples and Individual Counseling
Maplewood Counseling
Understanding Anger and Depression
Do need help with anger and depression? Do you wonder if your anger is related to being depressed and not knowing better ways to cope with your feelings?
Many men and women suffering from depression can feel angry and irritable and not understand what it really at the heart of their anger. Some people get mean, nasty and are not expressing themselves in ways that will help.
There is a connection between anger and depression and being assessed by a mental health professional will help you sort through whether your anger is about something else or underlying depression that needs treatment.
Do you get triggered and angered easily? Does this sound familiar?
- You get angry at your partner or spouse often
- You push people away with your anger and reactivity
- You don’t understand why you get so angry and feel badly after
- You feel guilty about your anger
- Your anger is causing problems at home or at work – or both
- You cannot understand what is really going on, it just feels bad
A good therapist can assess and help with anger and depression. Most people that are determined can eventually become more aware of what they’re feeling and learn to express those feelings more effectively. You can reduce that emotional reactivity along with reducing fears and judgment and that will help you reduce anger and depression.
If you need help, get in touch. We’re here to help
Improve Your Marriage
Want to Improve Your Marriage or Relationship?
What do the most healthy and connected marriages have in common? Partners consistently emotionally respond to one another.
Emotionally responsiveness is one of the most important things you can do for a few very important reasons. It shows you are truly listening, you care about and validate their feelings. This allows the person to confirm these very important things –
- I feel like I matter to you
- I feel important to you
- I feel like I can count on you
- I fee like you’re there for me
What does it look like to emotionally respond? Here are some examples:
“I am angry you didn’t pick up the groceries”
Emotionally responding – “I’m so sorry” (this validates the other person’s emotions and shows you care about their feelings), I understand your feelings and I want you to be able to count on me” (this make the other person feel like they matter and you want the person to be able to count on you)
Opposite of emotional responsiveness – “Stop complaining, you forgot to get my dry cleaning last week” – this leads to disconnect, more anger, sadness, feeling alone, and makes the other person feel like they can’t count on and do not matter to you.
“I am feeling so sad and overwhelmed”
Emotionally responding – “I’m so sorry you’re feeling sad and overwhelmed” (this validates the other person’s emotions and shows you listening and care about their emotional experience), “I’m here for you – what can I do to help you?” (this make the other person feel like they matter even if they just want you to be present and listen and not fix anything)
Opposite of emotional responsiveness – “you’re too sensitive”, “stop crying”, ” you wouldn’t be so overwhelmed if you…” people want you to be present and not fix anything…
The best way you can be there for you spouse, partner (child, friend or other family member for that matter is – Listen and don’t try to fix anything
You can improve your marriage or relationship by improving
Find a therapist experienced with attachment issues (many are) to help you. If you’re looking for a therapist in Essex County, NJ, give us a call at 973-793-1000 or email us if that’s easier.