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How to Avoid Getting Hooked

How to Avoid Getting Hooked

Anxiety, Depression, Relationships

Get Hooked Easily?

Need Help Managing Your Reactions?

 

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Do you get hooked easily?

Getting hooked can lead to some pretty destructive reactions internally and externally regarding interactions with others. This awful feeling can change.

Maplewood Counseling NJ

 

The problem with getting hooked…

 

Many of us get can get hooked when things don’t go the way we want or expect, often resulting in very angry and negative reactions. You’re not alone. Most of us struggle with what to do when situations and people “hook” us. Your partner does something upsetting, your children, a driver pisses you off, your family…all of it can be very challenging.

Getting hooked not only causes problems and unhappiness for you, but for those around you. From a health perspective, getting hooked results in an internal reaction that actually causes a contraction in the body as well, increasing blood pressure and/or heart rate as well. Getting hooked is bad for your mental and physical health. The emotional reactivity from getting hooked can cause a chain reaction leaving you feeling more angry, unhappy, shocked, guilty, misunderstood, and alone.

 

Why is it so important to (work on) not getting hooked?

 

It’s bad for you and those around you. Getting hooked causes a strong, emotional reaction which can cause people to blow up, criticize, name call, devalue, and can destroy close relationships.  It is possible you are misunderstanding others, feelings they did this or that on purpose to cause you to feel so lousy. It is another problem when both people in a relationship get hooked, or even you child pushes back when you get hooked. In the end,  getting hooked can eventually erode your close relationships.

The skill is learning how to work with triggers and eventually containing the response. Pausing for a period of time to interrupt that negative energy and not allow it to pick up. We understand this is not easy and takes practice, but it will improve your life, health, and relationships exponentially over time.

The reality for all of is …life is a series of challenges and there are so many things we cannot control. It’s all about how we handle plan B when things don’t go the way we wanted or expected. Inner peace is the goal regardless of so many external circumstances beyond your control. You can do this and it will make so many things better. Attitude is everything.

 

So how can you work on this? 

 

Developing more awareness is key. When people start to dip into more primitive (unaware or unconscious) ways of functioning, it might lead to acting out in very destructive ways. This can cause ther hooked person to become verbally abusive, yell and scream, name call, criticize, and want the source of your “hook” to hurt the way you are. As it to say “you are making me feel this way- this is your fault”. When people start to dip into the most primitive ways of functioning when they get hooked, thr result is physical violence and abuse. The work is trying to help people come up out of that primitive way of reacting to the difficult or challenging situation (again awarenees and slowing things down is key) , and eventually develop the skills to communicate more effectively. Working on and understanding this will eventually allow you get to healthier responses when dealing with challenges. You deserve more peace and this will help you get there.

 

Start by practicing with the small things. For example, become more aware of your reaction if you spill spomething or if you are in a hurry to get somewhere and you hit every red light on your way. Notice and become aware of what you feel. Slow down and take a deep breath to help you start chanigng the auto-pilot response of anger and “this should not be happening” or “this should not have happened”.  A wiser response to something like this would be understanding that life is a series of challenges, and there are so many things we can’t control. Practicing with the small things will definitely help as well as pracicing the pause.

 

Practice the pause.

 

Although an initial short pause will help slow down and evcntually stop our own reaction, it can take longer for our nervous system and emotional reactivity to subside. Sometimes it can take as much as 20 minutes, sometimes longer. At first, this is challenging since you will be working on developing more awareness and breaking a pattern or habit, but the more you practice, the easier it will be.

The end result will be more peaceful, connected, and accepting relationships and better health overall.

Anyone can develop this skill over time and it will be exponentially rewarding.

 

Need help?

 

Therapy can help you work on reducing your reaction to getting hooked.  If getting hooked is causing big problems in your relationships and or for you personally, please reach out for help.  You can break these painful patterns. We can help.

Need help managing your reactions to challenging people and situations?

 

Have questions for us? Get in touch

Need Help Coping with Emotional Pain?

Need Help Coping with Emotional Pain?

Anxiety, Depression, Grief, Relationships

Coping with Painful Emotions
Trauma, Dysregulation, Coping Skills

 

Trying to Cope with Difficult Emotions?
Need Better Way to Manage?

 

Serving Our Community 20+ Years

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Get Help Coping with Emotional Pain

Need help managing deep and ongoing emotional pain in your relationship and personal life? You are not alone…

We all have to deal with emotional pain at different points in our lives.  Life unfolds in ways we never expected (or wanted) and finding ways to get throught these painful times is important. Deep emotional pain is the most challenging for us all.

Does this sound familiar?

  • You lost a loved one and feel like you are in the grips of deep sorrow, trauma, shock, and ongoing grief.
  • You are feeling lost after divorce or the end of a relationship and don’t know how to handle your intense emotions.
  • Maybe you’re feel ongoing emotional pain due to problems in your relationship or family.
  • Or are you’re just feeling empty and a deep pain in your gut is painful and hard to manage.

How can you cope better with this deep emotional pain?

Maybe you could use to find better way of managing the pain so you can lessen the impact emotionally and otherwise. Understanding the source of the pain and what to do with it can help. Emotional pain, which is also referred to as the “pain body” (by Eckhart Tolle) and also referred to as old emotional pain or undigested pain, can be extremely challenging to cope with. This type of pain can be very intense and cause strong emotional reactions, especially in relationships. Pain that is “unconscious” (meaning you are unaware of the true source) can cause intense fear, sadness, anger, confusion, or other unpleadsant emotions that are hard to process. Working through emotional pain means becoming more aware and conscious of the difference between the pain and the negative thoughts about the pain which can make things a lot worse for most people.

As therapists, we also experienced emotional pain as well and have to work through our pain, so we really understand how hard it is when going through it. We have a great deal of compassion and help others with their pain by focusing on the difference between emotional pain and the negative houghts about the situation. Negative thoughts make the pain feel worse, so a big part of helping is making people aware of the emotional pain and thoughts about it. Helping people increase their awareness and noticing the pain and trying to accept it’s there without making it into a mental concept, such as, “ this shouldn’t be happening” , “ oh, I’ll never get through this”, “it’s someone else’s fault that I’m feeling this way”. These are all examples of what can make your situation prolonged and much worse for you and others. Many people unortunately take out their uncoscious emotional pain on others since they are not feeling well and assume the reason is something others have done to cause you to feel this way. Others will trigger your old emotinoal pain, but developing the skills to work with the pain without lashing out at others will help tremendously.  You will not be able to work through old pain if you lash out at others.

Helping people process deep emotional pain takes developing more awareness about what’s going on internally in the body and paying attention to and trying to stop negative thoughts and “stories” about the experience. We can help you work on this to find the relief and peace you deserve.

If you are coping with emotional pain right now that’s been hard to manage, reach out and let us help.

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Does Marriage Counseling Work?

Does Marriage Counseling Work?

Relationships

Does Marriage Counseling Work?

See How Effective Counseling Can Be
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Does Marriage Counseling Work?

 

What is the success rate of marriage counseling?

The best marriage counselors know it takes both partners to be open and willing to make some important changes. According to statistics for traditional types of marriage counseling, success rates can be 70-80%. It does, however, depend on the ability of a couple to work through and heal past painful issues – both people – in order for the counseling to be effective.

Can counseling fix a marriage?

Effective marriage counseling can always help a couple that is willing learn how to improve the relationship and heal painful experiences. This includes improving communication, healing betrayal and infidelity, and working through difficult family issues such as in-law problems, parenting style differences, blended and stepfamily problems and more.

What does a marriage counselor do?

A trained and experienced marriage counselor will assess your situation by hearing about your specific issues and struggles, get a sense for your communication style and dynamic and help a couple reduce certain ineffective and hurtful patterns. We help couples lern better ways to relate and resolve conflict to deepen their conenction.

Are marriage counselors worth it?

If you are stuck in a bad place, cannot resolve issues on your own, and are committed to making things work better, marriage counseling with the right therapist can be very worth it.

Is online marriage counseling effective?

Online marriage counseling can be as, if not more effective than marriage counseling in-person. Not only can it as effective as going to the office, it may also be a better option for many couples. If has been studied and reported that online marriage counseling can improve and help with a wide range of relationship issues.

When should you seek marriage counseling?

If you are unhappy and stuck in a bad place, cannot get to a better place on your own, need better ways to communicate and resolve conflict, after infidelity or an affair, or have painful family conflict.

Do marriage counselors ever recommend divorce?

Some therapists might recommend divorce and others would never suggest getting divorced and help a couple come to their own decisions. Sometimes one person wants to get divorced (leaning out) and the other is leaning in and wants to work on the marriage. Even the best marriage counselor cannot help a couple if one person if both people are not both committed to working on things together.

How do you know when marriage counseling isn’t working?

If one person or both are not willing to do what it takes to improve the relationship. Or if one person thinks the other person has to change something and is not open to reflecting on their own part in a marital problem. Or if there is a tremendous amount of contempt, criticism, stonewalling, or defensiveness that one person or the other ( or both) is not open to reducing and working on.

How do you know when your marriage is over?

When one person wants to end the marriage and is not willing to work through issues anymore. When issues cannot be resolved and/or there is a lack love, interest, or desire to make things work.

Can people fall back in love?

Experienced marriage therapists know anything is possible. It helps if both people are open, willing, and determined to get back to something positive and loving.

How do you know when it’s time to end your marriage?

Some of the most common reasons people get divorce are constant arguing and conflict, infidelity, and lack of commitment. The last straw reasons relationships end in divorce are unresolved infidelity and domestic violence.

What is the difference between marriage counseling and couple therapy?

Many experienced therapists will have a similar approach to couples struggling with issues and need help. Couples that are married and ones that are not still need help with the same types of issues. The difference might be whether or not there are children and extended family issues. However, many couples have these issues even if they are not married.

Should you go to counseling before divorce?

Many couples want to try counseling before considering divorce. Sometimes they consider discernment counseling to decide if they should stay or separate. After discernment counseling, which is maybe 4-5 sessions, some decide to commit to marriage counseling and others may separate.

 

Maplewood Counseling New Client Information

 

Want to see if our qulity, short term marriage counseling can help? Get in Touch.

Relationship Triggers

Relationship Triggers

Relationships

Managing Relationship Triggers

How to Deal When You Get Triggered
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Relationship Triggers & How to Manage Them

 

We work with so many couples and understand how triggers can cause big problems in any relationship. If you have had a lot of challenging experiences in the past, especially childhood trauma and difficult experiences, you may get triggered by others easily.

The problem when you get triggered:

  • Causes you to lash out at the trigger.
  • Causes you to withdraw in silence.

Lashing out at the trigger can make you rage by yelling, screaming, criticizing, name calling, or act out physically against your partner, child or others who trigger you.

Maybe you shut down when triggered. The wall goes up and you check out emotionally or actually leave physically.

We understand triggers as unconscious seeds based on conditioning. Usually there is something very old – maybe you felt you did not matter or felt like you could not trust the adults to be caring and nurturing and childhood experiences were unsafe emotionally and sometimes physically. So, when your partner, child, or other unsuspecting person triggers you, the same awful feeling can be triggered. Unfortunately, the feeling is nowhere near conscious awareness and is just quickly acted on without any understanding of the true source.

We try to help people work on what to do when triggered. How to find healthier ways of understanding, then communicating in a more skillful way so you don’t destroy your close relationships.  This takes time and we have compassion for how challenging this can be and can help with the process.

Secure attachment is the ideal form of attachment. This means someone grew up in an atmosphere that fostered the 4 S’s Safe, Seen, Soothed, creates Secure Attachment

  • Feelings of Safety – you could express all types of feeling openly without threat of being crushed, ridiculed, criticized, or abused in other ways.
  • Feeling Seen – you felt seen when you expressed your feelings because parents and other adults were understanding or at least trying to convey an empathetic response.
  • Feeling Soothed –  you felt the parents or other adults were able to comfort you in any number of ways. “I’m sorry you are feeling sad,”  “I am sorry you are angry “ about ….”what can I do to help? Do you need a hug?”
  • Doing this over and over creates an atmosphere of security that allows the child to develop into an adult that has many tools for a healthy relationship.
  • If you did not experience secure attachment style as a child, your adult relationships can help you heal or confuse you. You might be reliving those earlier painful experiences with all of those unpleasant feelings that you felt when you were younger.

Therapy can help you understand your triggers and do a better job of dealing with them. If your triggers are causing big problems in your relationships, please reach out for help.  You can break these painful patterns. We can help.

Have questions for us? Get in touch

Micro-Cheating Signs: Is Subtle Betrayal hurting Us?

Micro-Cheating Signs: Is Subtle Betrayal hurting Us?

Relationships

Understanding Micro-Cheating: When Small Actions Hurt Big

At Maplewood Counseling, we provide inclusive care for people of all races, cultures, and backgrounds, including interfaith, interracial, BIPOC, LGBTQIA+, and blended families. Our therapists bring lived experiences and specialized training to create a safe, affirming space for all.

Understanding Micro-Cheating in Relationships

Relationships thrive on trust, respect, and open communication. Yet, with new ways to connect in our digital world, it’s easy for boundaries to become unclear—even with the best intentions. If you’ve ever wondered whether certain actions count as “cheating” or felt uneasy about a partner’s behavior online or offline, know that you’re not alone and these feelings are understandable.

Micro-cheating refers to seemingly small actions that can cross emotional or relational boundaries within a committed partnership. While these actions might not involve physical intimacy, they can still cause hurt, mistrust, and confusion. Navigating these situations with care and empathy is essential for protecting and strengthening your relationship.

What Is Micro-Cheating and Why Does It Matter?

Micro-cheating describes subtle behaviors that create emotional connections outside a committed relationship. Unlike traditional infidelity—often defined by physical acts—micro-cheating can involve texting, private messages, social media interactions, or even ongoing flirtation. Not every couple defines these boundaries the same way, but the common thread is secrecy and behavior that draws emotional energy away from your partner.

While one partner may feel certain interactions are innocent, the other may interpret them as signals of drifting emotional intimacy. Because these actions aren’t always easy to define, micro-cheating frequently goes unaddressed until someone feels hurt.

Common Examples of Micro-Cheating

Although every relationship is unique, some behaviors frequently raise concerns, such as:

  • Flirtatious or suggestive messaging online or through apps
  • Regularly deleting texts or DMs to avoid them being discovered
  • Downplaying a committed relationship status, on- or offline
  • Maintaining secret or unusually close communication with a former partner or friend
  • Sharing personal or intimate details with someone outside your relationship
  • Dressing or behaving in a way aimed at attracting someone other than your partner

If any of these feel familiar or uncomfortable, it’s important to reflect on your feelings and consider open conversation with your partner.

Why Boundaries Matter

Healthy boundaries help both partners feel understood, valued, and safe. What qualifies as micro-cheating—or a breach of trust—can differ widely from couple to couple. That’s why open dialogue is crucial. Sometimes, one partner assumes messaging an old friend is no big deal, while the other feels left out. Misunderstandings can occur if expectations aren’t explicitly discussed.

Take time together to talk about what you both consider respectful behavior in your partnership. Honest communication is your best tool for avoiding confusion or hurt down the line.

How to Address the Impact of Micro-Cheating

If you’re concerned about micro-cheating—whether as someone hurt by a partner’s actions or realizing you may have overstepped a boundary—know that it’s possible to work through these challenges. Here are supportive next steps for both partners:

1. Pause and Reflect Before Reacting

Acknowledge your feelings without self-judgment. If you’re hurt or confused, that’s valid. Consider journaling or taking a walk before starting a difficult conversation—it allows you to clarify your thoughts.

2. Communicate Empathetically

Discuss the situation with compassion. Use language that centers your feelings rather than accusing:
“I feel unsettled when our conversations seem less open,” is gentler than “You always hide things from me.” If you’re the one whose actions are being questioned, listen fully and without interruption.

3. Define Mutual Boundaries Together

Don’t leave your expectations to guesswork. Ask direct questions:

  • What topics feel private in our partnership?
  • Are certain types of online interactions out of bounds?
  • How should we both handle friendships with exes?

Creating shared agreements fosters understanding and makes room for both individuals’ perspectives.

4. Reinvest in Your Connection

Redirect emotional energy toward your partnership. Meaningful time together, shared interests, and small daily gestures of care build trust and intimacy. Whether it’s a weekly date, open talks about dreams, or just a supportive text, these moments matter.

5. Consider Professional Support

If micro-cheating has caused ongoing hurt or mistrust, seeking couples counseling can provide guidance and a safe space to rebuild. A caring, experienced therapist can help both partners find healing and learn new ways to communicate—together or individually.

Book Your Session

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

Q: Do all couples define micro-cheating the same way?
A: No. What feels like crossing a line for one partnership may be acceptable for another. The key is talking openly with one another about personal boundaries and expectations.

Q: Is it “too late” to address micro-cheating after trust has been hurt?
A: Healing is always possible if both partners are willing to be honest and work together. Even difficult conversations can be a gateway to a stronger connection.

Q: How can I bring up my concerns without starting an argument?
A: Choose a quiet, neutral time and focus on your feelings. Express that you care and want to make the relationship safe and fulfilling for both of you.

Q: Can therapy help with trust issues caused by micro-cheating?
A: Yes. A supportive counselor can help you both explore the reasons behind actions and strengthen your communication and connection.

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Helpful Resources 

Improve Your Relationship: 6 Tips for a Deeper Connection

Relationships

6 Ways to Deepen and Improve Your Relationship

 

At Maplewood Counseling, we provide inclusive care for people of all races, cultures, and backgrounds, including interfaith, interracial, BIPOC, LGBTQIA+, and blended families. Our therapists bring lived experiences and specialized training to create a safe, affirming space for all.

6 Ways to Deepen and Improve Your Relationship

Every relationship faces challenges. It’s a normal part of sharing a life with someone. You might feel like you’re hitting a bump in the road, arguing more, or simply growing distant. The reassuring news is that there are proven ways to transform these challenges into opportunities for growth. You can strengthen your connection, deepen your understanding, and improve your relationship, starting today.

We can help you find the right tools to build a more resilient and loving partnership. This guide offers practical strategies to enhance communication, manage disagreements, and reignite the bond you share.

1. Practice Mindful Communication

How we speak to each other matters deeply. Mindful communication is about being present, thoughtful, and positive in your interactions. It involves shifting your perspective from criticism to appreciation. This simple change can transform the entire atmosphere of your relationship.

Instead of pointing out what’s wrong, focus on what’s right. For example, rather than saying, “You never help around the house,” try expressing your appreciation when they do: “It means so much to me when you help with dinner.” Similarly, change “We need to talk” into a more inviting, “I love our conversations and would like to make some time to connect later.” This approach fosters a positive environment where both partners feel valued instead of defensive.

2. Show Appreciation and Affection

Feeling seen and valued is a fundamental human need. Small, consistent acts of appreciation can make a significant difference in how connected your partner feels. It’s about more than just saying “thank you.” It’s about showing you notice and cherish their efforts.

Praise them for a job well done. Surprise them with a small, thoughtful gift. Physical affection also plays a vital role in maintaining intimacy. Simple gestures like holding hands, a warm hug, or an arm around their shoulder send a powerful message of care and connection. These actions reinforce your bond and remind your partner that you are in this together.

3. Learn to Navigate Disagreements

No couple agrees on everything. Disagreements are not only inevitable but can also be healthy for a relationship. They provide an opportunity to air different perspectives and can lead to a stronger partnership, but only if they are handled constructively. The goal isn’t to avoid arguments, but to learn how to manage them with love and respect.

Manage Your Arguments Gracefully

Approach sensitive topics in a non-confrontational way. Instead of making demands, express your needs with love. For instance, rather than saying, “You need to make time for my birthday tomorrow,” you could say, “I’d love to plan something special with you for my birthday.”

If a discussion becomes too intense, it’s okay to pause. A graceful exit can prevent lasting damage. You could say, “You’ve raised some really important points, and I need some time to think about them,” or “I trust you and value your opinion. We will figure this out together.” This validates your partner’s feelings while giving you both space to cool down.

4. Prioritize Personal Space and Self-Care

The saying “distance makes the heart grow fonder” holds truth. Spending time on your own interests and well-being isn’t selfish; it’s essential for a healthy relationship. Taking time for yourself, whether it’s an hour or a full day, gives you room to breathe, de-stress, and recharge.

Engaging in activities you love, like a hobby, exercise, or meditation, helps you maintain your own identity within the partnership. Physical activities like jogging or sports are excellent stress relievers. Other people find comfort in reading, playing music, or journaling. Taking care of your own mental and emotional health allows you to show up as a better, more present partner.

5. Create Quality Time Together

Just as time apart is important, so is dedicated time together. Life gets busy, and it’s easy to fall into a routine of coexisting rather than connecting. Be intentional about creating quality time to nurture your bond.

Reconnect and Have Fun

Plan a regular date night, whether it’s a fancy dinner out or a cozy movie night in. Take time for meaningful conversations where you can both share what’s on your mind without distractions. Ask your partner about their day and truly listen to their response.

Trying something new together can also reignite a spark. Whether it’s taking a dance class, going rock climbing, or exploring a new town, shared adventures create lasting memories and strengthen your connection. These shared experiences build a foundation of joy and mutual support.

6. Know When to Seek Professional Support

Sometimes, despite your best efforts, you may need outside help to navigate your challenges. Seeking counseling is a sign of strength, not failure. Couples therapy provides a safe, non-judgmental space to work through issues with the guidance of a trained professional.

You don’t have to wait until your relationship is in crisis. Many couples find counseling beneficial for navigating life transitions, improving communication, or simply deepening their connection. An experienced therapist can provide you with tailored tools and strategies to help you and your partner build a healthier, more fulfilling future together.

If you are ready to empower your partnership and transform your challenges into growth, we are here to help.

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Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

Q: My partner is hesitant about trying therapy. What can I do?
A: This is a very common concern. It can be helpful to approach the conversation with empathy. Frame it as an opportunity for you both to learn new tools to support each other better. Our therapists specialize in creating a comfortable environment where both partners feel safe and heard, ensuring everyone’s perspective is valued.

Q: Is online counseling as effective as in-person sessions?
A: Yes, many couples find virtual sessions to be just as effective. They offer the added benefits of convenience and flexibility, allowing you to connect from the comfort of your own home. The quality of support and guidance remains the same, focused on helping you achieve your relationship goals.

Q: What if our problems feel too big or complicated for therapy?
A: Every relationship is unique, with its own set of challenges. There is no issue too “big” or “small” for counseling. Our approach is to provide tailored support that addresses your specific needs. We are here to help you navigate your unique situation with compassion and expertise.

Q: How do we know if our communication is the problem?
A: Signs of communication issues include frequent misunderstandings, feeling unheard or dismissed, avoiding difficult conversations, and recurring arguments about the same topics. If you feel like you and your partner are speaking different languages, improving your communication skills can be transformative.

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Helpful Resources