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How to Handle a Narcissist | Dealing with Narcisissm in Your Life

How to Handle a Narcissist | Dealing with Narcisissm in Your Life

Anxiety, Depression, Relationships

Dealing with a Narcissist? 

Red Flags & Strategies for Taking Care of Yourself.

 

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Am I Dealing with a Narcissist?

Red Flags and Strategies to Take Care of Yourself

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Am I Dealing with a Narcissist?

 

Dealing with a Narcissist

Strategies for Dealing with a Narcissist

 

Navigating life with a narcissist—whether they’re a spouse, parent, or family member—can be emotionally draining and deeply challenging. Those who experience such relationships often find themselves caught in a web of manipulation, gaslighting, and emotional abuse, struggling to untangle themselves while questioning their own sense of reality.

This blog aims to shed light on narcissistic behavior, its effects, and actionable strategies to help you cope, set boundaries, and, most importantly, recover. Whether you’re trying to manage a current relationship with a narcissist or are on the path to healing after enduring narcissistic abuse, this guide will provide the insights and tools you need to regain control and protect your mental health.

Is There Such a Thing as Healthy Narcissism?

It’s important to note that narcissism exists on a spectrum. A healthy level of narcissism can actually be a positive trait, helping individuals maintain self-confidence, assert themselves, and set achievable goals. However, the type of narcissism we’re addressing here—the kind that negatively impacts relationships and causes emotional harm—goes beyond typical self-interest.

When narcissism becomes toxic and manipulative, it could signal Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) or maladaptive narcissistic traits. Either way, understanding the distinction is the first step toward protecting yourself.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and Its Effects

 

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a mental health condition characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a deep need for excessive admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), around 5% of the population may display traits of NPD. These traits often manifest in ways that can deeply affect relationships, family dynamics, and the mental well-being of those around them.

Common Behaviors of Narcissists with NPD Include:

  • Exploiting others for personal gain
  • A sense of entitlement or superiority
  • Lack of emotional empathy
  • Difficulty handling criticism
  • Envy or resentment toward others’ success

These tendencies can leave victims feeling emotionally neglected, manipulated, and even devalued, all of which can have long-term psychological repercussions.

How to Identify Narcissistic Behavior

 

Not every narcissist has NPD, but many share a defining set of behaviors that can help you recognize their toxic traits. Red flags include:

  • Gaslighting: The narcissist may distort reality, leaving you doubting your memories or perceptions.
  • Lack of accountability: They rarely admit fault and will shift blame onto someone else.
  • Grandiosity: Exaggerating their achievements, abilities, or importance, often to overshadow others.
  • Manipulation: Using tactics such as guilt-tripping, withholding affection, or verbal abuse to control others.
  • Exploitation: Taking advantage of people’s kindness for their own benefit without reciprocating.

Example:

Maria’s narcissistic partner frequently invalidates her emotions. When she expresses sadness over his hurtful comments, he labels her “too sensitive.” Over time, Maria feels unsure of what’s reasonable to expect in a relationship, leaving her emotionally off-balance.

Recognizing these signs is an important step toward understanding the dynamic you may be dealing with.

The Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse

 

How to Handle a Narcissist

 

Enduring a relationship with a narcissist often means becoming trapped in a repetitive cycle of emotional abuse. Understanding this cycle can help you make sense of the patterns and work to break free.

  1. Idealization

The narcissist showers you with praise, affection, and grand gestures, making you feel special and indispensable. This phase is often described as “love bombing.”

  1. Devaluation

Once the narcissist feels secure in their control, they begin to degrade and devalue the victim through criticism, neglect, or passive-aggressive behavior.

  1. Discard

When the victim becomes less “useful” or challenges their control, the narcissist may emotionally or even physically abandon them.

  1. Hoovering

After a period, they may try to re-enter your life, making grand promises to change, only to repeat the cycle.

Why is it so hard to leave?

One word: trauma bonding. Victims often feel an emotional attachment to their abuser due to the manipulative, intermittent reinforcement of love and abuse. Breaking free requires immense strength and support.

Setting Boundaries with a Narcissist

 

Setting boundaries with a narcissist is crucial to protecting your mental well-being. However, it’s not always easy, as they may resist or retaliate against these limits.

Actionable Strategies for Healthy Boundaries:

  • Communicate Clearly

Be direct and specific. For example, say, “I’m not comfortable discussing this topic further,” instead of giving vague dismissals.

  • Practice the Gray Rock Method

When they try to provoke you, respond with uninterested, one-word replies. This deprives them of the emotional reaction they crave.

  • Limit Contact

If possible, reduce communication or interaction, especially if they refuse to respect your boundaries.

  • Prioritize Self-Care

Engaging in mental, emotional, and physical self-care prepares you to withstand their attempts to dismantle your boundaries.

Remember, boundaries exist to protect you—not to change or “fix” the narcissist’s behavior.

Seeking Support for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

 

Recovering from narcissistic abuse is not something you should attempt alone. Building a network of support is key to creating a safe environment where you can heal.

Where to Start:

  • Therapy

Working with a therapist, especially one specializing in trauma or abuse, can help identify unhealed emotional scars and reframe your experiences.

  • Support Groups

Online communities such as Narcissist Abuse Support or forums on Reddit provide safe spaces to connect with others who understand what you’re going through.

  • Trusted Friends and Family

Confide in those who bring positivity and understanding into your life. Isolation only strengthens the narcissist’s control.

Moving Forward and Healing

 

Recovery from narcissistic abuse is possible—it just takes time and purposeful actions. Once you’ve removed or minimized their influence over your life, focus on rebuilding your identity and self-esteem.

Steps to Take:

  1. Reclaim Your Self-Worth

Reconnect with hobbies, goals, and passions that bring joy and fulfillment.

  1. Practice Forgiveness (for Yourself)

It’s easy to feel guilt or shame for not leaving sooner. Acknowledge your bravery and resilience instead.

  1. Adopt Positive Affirmations

Repeat empowering statements, such as, “I am deserving of healthy, loving relationships.”

  1. Create a New Vision

Set short- and long-term goals that help you move forward with purpose and excitement.

You might still carry scars, but with each step forward, those wounds will teach you to value your inner strength.

Your Path to Freedom and Recovery

 

Handling a narcissist—whether a partner, parent, or family member—is one of life’s most emotionally taxing challenges. But you don’t have to walk this path alone. By recognizing the signs, setting firm boundaries, seeking the right support, and investing in your personal growth, you can break free from the cycle of abuse and reclaim your life.

If you’re feeling stuck or overwhelmed, reach out to a therapist or support group today. Your well-being is worth it. Healing doesn’t just happen—you make it happen. Wondering  Am I a Narcissist ?

If you want to know how to handle a narcissist, get in touch.

 

 Walking on Eggshells? 7 Signs of Narcissistic Manipulation

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Embracing Change When Life Has Unexpected Twists

Embracing Change When Life Has Unexpected Twists

Anxiety, Depression, Gay Issues, Grief, Relationships

How to Embrace Change

Embracing Plan B

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Embracing Change and Your Plan B

 

 

Life rarely goes as planned. Whether in our personal lives, relationships, or careers, unexpected challenges often force us to adapt and find alternative paths. Developing a Plan B mentality is crucial to navigating these twists and turns, allowing us to thrive rather than just survive. In this blog post, we’ll explore the importance of having a Plan B, practical steps to develop this mindset, and real-life success stories to inspire you.

The Importance of a Plan B in Life

Imagine a world where everything unfolds exactly as you envision. Sounds like a dream, right? Unfortunately, life doesn’t work that way. Unexpected events can disrupt even the most carefully crafted plans. This is why having a Plan B is essential. It prepares you for life’s unpredictability and empowers you to handle setbacks gracefully.

A Plan B isn’t just a backup plan; it’s a mindset. It allows you to remain flexible and resilient, adapting to change without losing sight of your goals. By developing a Plan B mentality, you gain the confidence to tackle obstacles head-on and turn setbacks into opportunities for growth.

Developing a Plan B also encourages creativity and innovation. With a backup plan in place, you’re more likely to explore new avenues and think outside the box. This adaptability helps you not only survive but thrive in an ever-changing world.

Understanding the Uncontrollable

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Examples in Personal Life

We’ve all experienced moments when things don’t go according to plan. Whether it’s a sudden illness, a change in financial circumstances, or the loss of a loved one, personal challenges can be overwhelming. A Plan B mentality helps you cope with these situations by providing a sense of control and direction.

Consider the example of Sarah, who planned to travel the world after college. When the pandemic hit, her travel plans were put on hold. Instead of wallowing in disappointment, she embraced her Plan B and pursued a remote job, allowing her to save money and prepare for future adventures.

Examples in Relationships

Relationships are another area where unpredictability reigns. Miscommunications, differing priorities, and unforeseen circumstances can strain even the strongest bonds. A Plan B mentality encourages open communication and flexibility, allowing you to adapt to changing dynamics while maintaining a healthy relationship.

Take John and Emily, for instance. When John’s job required him to relocate, the couple faced the prospect of a long-distance relationship. Instead of giving up, they developed a Plan B that included regular video calls, weekend visits, and shared hobbies to maintain their connection.

Examples in Career

Career paths are rarely linear. Economic fluctuations, industry changes, and corporate restructuring can impact job security and career progression. A Plan B mentality empowers you to adapt to these challenges and seek alternative opportunities that align with your skills and passions.

Consider Mark, who lost his job during a company downsizing. Instead of seeing it as the end of his career, he embraced his Plan B and started freelancing, using his skills to build a successful business that eventually led to new opportunities.

How to Develop a Plan B Mentality

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Practical Steps

Developing a Plan B mentality requires intentional effort and a willingness to adapt. Start by identifying potential challenges in your personal life, relationships, and career. Consider various scenarios and brainstorm alternative solutions to these challenges.

Next, prioritize flexibility and creativity. Approach obstacles with an open mind, exploring unconventional solutions that align with your goals. Remember that a Plan B isn’t about settling; it’s about finding new paths to success.

Finally, practice self-reflection and mindfulness. Regularly assess your goals and progress, adjusting your plans as needed. This proactive approach ensures that you’re always prepared for whatever life throws your way.

Mindset Shifts

Adopting a Plan B mentality involves shifting your mindset from one of rigidity to one of adaptability. Instead of fearing change, view it as an opportunity for growth and learning. Cultivate resilience by focusing on your strengths and abilities, rather than dwelling on setbacks.

Additionally, practice gratitude and positivity. Recognize the lessons learned from challenges and appreciate the opportunities that arise from unexpected events. This positive outlook will empower you to face adversity with confidence and optimism.

Embracing Change and Uncertainty

 

Why Flexibility is Key

Change is inevitable, but how you respond to it determines your success. Flexibility is the key to navigating uncertainty and adapting to new circumstances. By cultivating a Plan B mentality, you develop the agility needed to pivot and adjust your course without losing sight of your goals.

Consider the story of Laura, who planned to start a brick-and-mortar business. When the pandemic hit, she shifted her focus to e-commerce, leveraging online platforms to reach a broader audience. Her flexibility allowed her to thrive in a challenging market.

Strategies for Managing Uncertainty

Managing uncertainty requires a proactive approach. Begin by identifying potential risks and developing contingency plans to address them. This preparedness reduces anxiety and provides a roadmap for navigating unexpected challenges.

Additionally, focus on what you can control. While you can’t predict every outcome, you can control your actions and responses. Develop healthy coping mechanisms, such as exercise, meditation, or journaling, to manage stress and maintain a clear perspective.

Building Resilience

Resilience is the foundation of a Plan B mentality. It involves bouncing back from setbacks and using adversity as a catalyst for growth. Cultivate resilience by setting realistic goals, celebrating small victories, and maintaining a support network of friends, family, and mentors.

Remember that resilience is a skill that can be developed over time. With practice and perseverance, you’ll become more adept at handling challenges and pursuing your dreams, regardless of the obstacles you encounter.

Success Stories Real-life Examples of Plan B in Action

 

Navigating Personal Challenges

Consider the story of Alex, who faced unexpected health issues that derailed his career plans. Instead of giving up, he adjusted his goals and pursued a new passion—writing. His resilience and adaptability led to a successful career as an author and motivational speaker.

Overcoming Relationship Hurdles

Emma and Jake faced the challenge of balancing their careers with their relationship. By developing a Plan B that included flexible work arrangements and shared responsibilities, they maintained a strong connection and achieved their professional goals.

Thriving in Career Transitions

Lisa’s company underwent a merger that threatened her job security. Instead of panicking, she embraced her Plan B and pursued further education, gaining new skills that opened doors to exciting career opportunities.

Conclusion Encouragement to Embrace Plan B as a Way to Thrive Not Just Survive

In life, uncertainty is the only certainty. Developing a Plan B mentality empowers you to face unpredictability with grace and resilience, transforming challenges into opportunities for growth. By understanding the uncontrollable, shifting your mindset, and building resilience, you can thrive in any situation.

Remember that a Plan B isn’t a sign of failure; it’s a testament to your adaptability and determination. By embracing change and uncertainty, you unlock the potential to achieve your goals and lead a fulfilling life.

 

 

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Mindfulness Helps You Navigate Life & Relationship Challenges

7 Challenges of Depression & How to Find Hope and Healing

7 Challenges of Depression & How to Find Hope and Healing

Anxiety, Depression, Grief, Relationships

The 7 Biggest Challenges of Depression and How to Heal

 

The 7 Biggest Challenges of Depression and How to Heal

Living with depression can feel like moving through a thick fog—one where everyday life feels heavy, isolating, and overwhelming. No matter your cultural background, family structure, gender identity, or life circumstances, depression does not discriminate. It can touch anyone, in any community. What unites all those facing depression is the deep sense of struggle and courage required to move through each day.

If these feelings sound familiar, please know you’re not alone. Your journey and your experiences matter, and your voice deserves to be heard. Depression is a complex condition, shaped not just by biology, but by lived experiences, social pressures, cultural expectations, and how you are supported by family or chosen family.

At Maplewood Counseling, we honor the many different stories and challenges that come with depression. Our goal is to bring empathy, inclusivity, and hope to each step of your healing—offering both understanding and practical guidance tailored to you.

1. The Hidden Struggle: The Inner Battle

Depression’s battles are often fought beneath the surface, invisible to those around us. You may go to work, care for loved ones, and carry responsibilities with strength, all while contending with deep feelings of sadness, guilt, or unworthiness. For many—across all walks of life—this hidden pain creates a unique burden, often made heavier by the fear of being misunderstood in our own families, communities, or cultures.

2. Overwhelmed by Everyday Tasks

Depression can drain your energy and motivation, making it a challenge to manage basic routines or participate in meaningful cultural, religious, or community activities. No matter where you come from or what expectations are placed on you, the weight of depression can turn even small tasks—like preparing a meal, caring for children, tending to spiritual practices, or showing up for work—into mountainous obstacles. Remember, this is not a reflection of personal weakness, but a symptom experienced by people from all backgrounds and identities.

3. Isolation and Disconnection

The sense of isolation brought on by depression can be profound. You may feel detached from friends, faith communities, extended family, or support networks, regardless of their makeup. Cultural stigma, language barriers, generational perspectives, or a lack of community understanding may deepen the loneliness, making it hard to reach out for the help you deserve. Seeking connection—even if just one conversation—can slowly help bridge these gaps.

4. The Ripple Effect on Relationships

Depression does not only affect individuals; it reverberates through families, partnerships, friend circles, and community spaces. Loved ones may misinterpret your struggles or feel uncertain about how to help, and misunderstandings can arise in any setting—whether that’s within a multi-generational household, a blended family, or a long-distance relationship. Everyone’s story is different, but empathy and open communication can help mend rifts—no matter your background.

5. The Barriers to Seeking Support

Across cultures and communities, stigma about mental health remains a real barrier. You might have worries about judgment or shame, fear that seeking help goes against family expectations, or concern about sharing your story with someone who may not understand your lived experiences. These feelings are valid—and you are not alone in having them. There are supportive professionals and safe spaces available who honor cultural values, language differences, and individual identities.

6. The Toll on Mind and Body

Depression is a full-body experience, transcending age, culture, or background. It can bring aches and pains, sleep disturbances, changes in appetite, and relentless exhaustion, no matter how you identify or whom you love. It can also lead to “brain fog,” making decision-making, learning, or fulfilling professional, academic, or family roles especially difficult. Remember: these symptoms are real, shared by people from all walks of life, and worthy of compassion and care.

7. Believing in the Possibility of Healing

Perhaps the hardest challenge is holding onto hope when depression clouds your sense of what’s possible. Feelings of despair can make it seem as if things will never get better, especially if you haven’t seen stories like yours reflected in the media, in your community, or in those around you. But healing is possible for people of every race, faith, family structure, orientation, and background.

Steps Toward Healing and Hope

Every journey is unique, but small steps forward are powerful in any context.

  • Practice Self-Compassion: You are facing real challenges—give yourself grace, knowing your difficulties do not diminish your worth.
  • Set Small, Achievable Goals: Whether it’s connecting with an elder, reaching out to a community group, or simply getting out of bed, celebrate each step.
  • Honor Your Body and Your Identity: Movement, rest, spiritual rituals, creative expression, or time in nature can all nurture healing.
  • Seek Connection: Find support in ways that feel safe—this might be a support group, a spiritual leader, a trusted friend, or a mental health professional sensitive to your background and story.

How Therapy Can Guide Diverse Journeys Forward

You don’t have to navigate depression on your own. Therapy offers a confidential, affirming place to explore your feelings, whatever your identity or life experience. At Maplewood Counseling, we are dedicated to inclusive care, welcoming individuals and families of every race, culture, faith, gender identity, sexual orientation, and family configuration, including interfaith, interracial, BIPOC, LGBTQIA+, and blended families. Our team brings lived experience and specialized training to create a space where every story is valued, and every individual is seen.

Our comprehensive approach to depression treatment is grounded in respect, empathy, and your unique needs.

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Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) About Depression

Q: How do I know if I have depression or if I’m just sad?
A: Sadness is a normal human emotion that is usually tied to a specific event and passes with time. Depression is a persistent state of low mood, loss of interest, and other symptoms that lasts for at least two weeks and significantly interferes with your ability to function.

Q: Can depression be cured?
A: While there is no one-size-fits-all “cure,” depression is highly treatable. With the right combination of therapy, lifestyle changes, and sometimes medication, most people can manage their symptoms and live full, meaningful lives. Understanding the effects of untreated depression can be a powerful motivator to seek help.

Q: What if I can’t afford therapy?
A: Many therapists offer sliding-scale fees based on income, and there are community mental health centers and online platforms that provide lower-cost options. Your health insurance may also cover a portion of the cost. Don’t let finances be the first barrier; explore your options.

Q: I feel too exhausted to even look for a therapist. What should I do?
A: This is a very real challenge. Ask a trusted friend or family member for help. You can say, “I need to find a therapist, but I’m too overwhelmed. Could you help me look up some names or make a few calls?” Delegating this one task can make a world of difference.

The path out of depression begins with a single step. Recognizing your struggle is a sign of strength. Reaching out for help is an act of courage.

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Women’s Groups in NJ Online at Maplewood Counseling

Women’s Groups in NJ Online at Maplewood Counseling

Anxiety, Depression, Grief, Relationships

Empowerment Through Connection

Join Our Supportive Women's Groups

Discover a supportive community where women come together to share experiences, gain insights, and foster personal growth in a safe and nurturing environment.

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About Our Women's Groups

Our women’s groups offer a unique opportunity for women to connect and support each other through life’s challenges. Led by experienced therapists, our sessions provide a safe space for participants to explore personal issues, enhance self-awareness, and build resilience. We focus on creating a nurturing environment where women can openly discuss topics that matter to them, from self-esteem to work-life balance. Join us to experience the power of shared understanding and mutual support.

Women's Groups in NJ Online Maplewood Counseling

Explore Our Women's Groups Topics

Our sessions cover a range of topics to support your personal growth and well-being.

Relationships & Communication

Improve your communication skills and build healthier relationships with insights from group discussions.

Work-Life Balance

Find harmony between your professional and personal life with tips and support from fellow participants.

Self-Esteem & Self-Image

Explore ways to build a positive self-image and boost your confidence in a supportive group setting.

Managing Stress & Anxiety

Learn effective strategies to manage stress and reduce anxiety through shared experiences and expert guidance.

Parental Stress & Overwhlem

Find support to help lower stress and manage overwhelm in your family and strain on your relationship.

Personal Growth

Empowering personal growth through group connection and support to help you make positive changes.

Men’s Groups facilitated by Robert Jenkins LCSW

 

Robert Jenkins LCSW Therapist Maplewood Counseling

Maplewood Counseling will be offering 2 men’s groups dates TBD virtually for a small group of men ( 8 -12) to support each other and navigate challenges.

Men’s group therapy topics

  • Relationships and intimacy
  • Parenting and family
  • Managing stress and anxiety
  • Masculinity and societal expectations
  • Coping with anger and conflicting emotions
  • Communication and vulnerability
  • Work-life balance
  • Social comparison and competition.

This men’s therapy group will provide a non-judgmental space for men to come together, share their experiences, and learn from one another. The goal of this group is to promote healthy communication, build self-awareness, address any underlying issues, and develop effective coping strategies.

 

Join Our Women's & Men's Groups Today

Discover the benefits of our women’s groups by reaching out for more information. Connect with like-minded individuals and gain the support you need. Contact us to learn how to join and start your journey towards personal growth and empowerment.   For more information, reach out to us today!

You will hear from a member of our admin team or a client care specialist to answer your questions and help you get set up. 

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How Insecure Attachments Shape Adult Relationships

How Insecure Attachments Shape Adult Relationships

Anxiety, Depression, Relationships

The Invisible Strings: How Insecure Attachment Shapes Adult Relationships

 

At Maplewood Counseling, we provide inclusive care for people of all races, cultures, and backgrounds, including interfaith, interracial, BIPOC, LGBTQIA+, and blended families. Our therapists bring lived experiences and specialized training to create a safe, affirming space for all.

How Insecure Attachment Shapes Adult Relationships

Have you ever wondered why you pull away when someone gets too close? Or perhaps you find yourself constantly worrying that your partner is going to leave, even when things are going well? If these patterns feel familiar, you are not broken—you might be navigating the effects of insecure attachment.

The way we connect with others as adults is often deeply rooted in our earliest experiences. These “invisible strings” of attachment guide how we give and receive love, how we handle conflict, and how safe we feel in intimacy. Understanding your attachment style is one of the most powerful steps you can take toward healing and building the secure, loving relationship you deserve.

At Maplewood Counseling, we believe that your past does not have to dictate your future. While insecure attachment can make relationships feel like a rollercoaster, it is possible to learn new patterns and build a foundation of trust and security.

What Is Attachment Theory?

Attachment theory, developed by British psychologist John Bowlby, suggests that the bond formed between an infant and their primary caregiver creates a blueprint for all future relationships.

When a caregiver is responsive, consistent, and nurturing, a child learns that they are safe and that their needs matter. This typically leads to Secure Attachment.

However, when care is inconsistent, neglectful, or frightening, a child may develop Insecure Attachment as a survival strategy. As adults, these strategies—once necessary for survival—can become obstacles to connection.

The Four Attachment Styles Explained

Understanding where you fall on the attachment spectrum can be a lightbulb moment. Most people identify primarily with one style, though it can fluctuate depending on the relationship or life stressors.

1. Secure Attachment

People with this style feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving. They don’t fear being alone, nor do they fear being engulfed by a relationship. They can depend on their partners and let their partners depend on them.

  • In a relationship: They communicate needs openly, handle conflict constructively, and offer support without losing their sense of self.

2. Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment

This style is often characterized by a deep fear of abandonment. If you have an anxious attachment style, you might crave high levels of intimacy and reassurance. You may be hyper-vigilant to shifts in your partner’s mood, interpreting a delayed text or a quiet evening as a sign that they are pulling away.

  • The struggle: You may find yourself “protesting” to get attention—calling excessively, getting angry to provoke a reaction, or feeling consumed by the relationship. Jealousy often flares up easily here.

3. Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment

On the surface, people with this style appear highly independent and self-sufficient. They often equate intimacy with a loss of freedom. If you have this style, you might feel suffocated when a partner gets too close and may distance yourself emotionally or physically to regain a sense of control.

  • The struggle: You might label partners as “clingy” or “needy” and shut down during conflicts. Vulnerability feels dangerous, so you keep your emotional cards close to your chest.

4. Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized) Attachment

This is often the most complex style, usually stemming from childhood trauma or abuse. It is characterized by a desire for closeness coupled with intense fear. You want to be loved, but you are terrified of being hurt.

  • The struggle: Relationships can feel chaotic. You might pull a partner close one moment and push them away the next, trapped in a cycle of “come here, go away.”

How Insecure Attachment Shows Up in Adult Love

Insecure attachment doesn’t just stay in your head; it plays out in your daily interactions. It can turn small misunderstandings into major conflicts and leave both partners feeling exhausted and misunderstood.

The Anxious-Avoidant Trap

One of the most common and painful dynamics occurs when an Anxious partner falls for an Avoidant partner.

  • The Anxious partner pushes for closeness (seeking safety).
  • The Avoidant partner pulls away (seeking safety).
  • The Anxious partner panics and pushes harder.
  • The Avoidant partner retreats further.

This cycle validates both partners’ worst fears: the Anxious person feels abandoned, and the Avoidant person feels engulfed. Recognizing this “dance” is the first step to stopping the music and learning new steps.

Impact on Communication

  • Anxious: May use criticism or guilt-tripping to get a response.
  • Avoidant: May use stonewalling or silence to end the conversation.
  • Secure: Uses “I” statements and listens to understand, not just to defend.

Can You Change Your Attachment Style?

The short answer is yes. Your attachment style is plastic, not concrete. Through a process called “earned security,” you can rewire your brain to accept and give love in a healthy way.

Here are actionable strategies to move toward security:

1. Develop Self-Awareness

Start noticing your triggers. When you feel a sudden surge of panic or the urge to run away, pause. Ask yourself: “Is this reaction about what is happening right now, or is it an old feeling from the past?”

2. Practice Emotional Regulation

If you are anxious, learn to self-soothe before reacting. Take a walk, journal, or practice deep breathing. If you are avoidant, challenge yourself to stay in the room when you want to leave. Lean into the discomfort of vulnerability just a little bit at a time.

3. Choose Secure Partners

Being with someone who has a secure attachment style can be healing. Their consistency can teach your nervous system that it is safe to trust.

4. Communicate Your Needs Directly

Instead of acting out your feelings (protesting or withdrawing), say them.

  • Instead of texting 20 times: “I’m feeling a little anxious today and could use some reassurance.”
  • Instead of ghosting: “I need some time to myself to recharge, but I will call you tomorrow.”

5. Seek Professional Support

Unpacking childhood wounds is heavy lifting. Therapy provides a safe container to explore the origins of your attachment style and practice new ways of relating. Therapies like Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) are specifically designed to heal attachment bonds.

Parenting and Breaking the Cycle

If you are a parent, you might worry about passing these patterns to your children. The good news is that you don’t have to be perfect to raise a securely attached child. You just need to be “good enough”—consistently responsive, attuned, and willing to repair ruptures when they happen. By working on your own healing, you are already breaking the cycle for the next generation.

Moving Toward Earned Security

Insecure attachment is not a life sentence. It is simply a map of how you learned to survive. But you don’t just have to survive anymore; you can thrive.

At Maplewood Counseling, we help individuals and couples navigate these complex emotional landscapes. We provide a judgment-free space where you can learn to drop the defenses, silence the fears, and build the deep, secure connection you have always wanted.

You deserve to feel safe in love. Let’s help you get there.

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Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) About Attachment Styles

Q: Is it my parents’ fault that I have insecure attachment?
A: Attachment is complex. While early caregiving is a major factor, genetics and other life experiences also play a role. Blame is rarely helpful for healing. Instead, focus on understanding the impact of those early years so you can make different choices today.

Q: Can two insecurely attached people have a successful relationship?
A: Yes, absolutely. It requires work, self-awareness, and often professional guidance. If both partners are willing to understand their own and each other’s triggers, they can help each other heal and move toward earned security together.

Q: How do I know if I am Anxious or Fearful-Avoidant?
A: The main difference is the response to intimacy. Anxious individuals consistently pursue closeness. Fearful-Avoidant individuals desire closeness but are terrified of it, leading to a push-pull dynamic where they might pursue a partner and then reject them once they get close.

Q: How long does it take to become securely attached?
A: There is no set timeline. It is a journey of practice. You might notice small shifts first—like pausing before sending an angry text or staying present during a conflict. Over time, these small victories build a new foundation of security.

Q: Does therapy really help with attachment issues?
A: Yes. The therapeutic relationship itself can serve as a “secure base.” By experiencing a consistent, non-judgmental relationship with a therapist, you learn what safety feels like, which you can then translate into your personal relationships.

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Managing Extreme Stress: A Guide to Finding Calm | NJ

Managing Extreme Stress: A Guide to Finding Calm | NJ

Anxiety, Depression, Grief, Relationships

Managing Extreme Stress: A Guide to Finding Balance

 

Managing Extreme Stress: A Guide to Finding Balance

Life often feels like an endless balancing act. You are juggling work deadlines, family responsibilities, and personal expectations, all while trying to keep a smile on your face. But what happens when the balancing act becomes too heavy? What happens when the pressure doesn’t let up?

If you feel constantly on edge, exhausted, or like you are running on empty, you are not alone. Extreme stress is more than just a bad day; it is a chronic state of tension that can weigh heavily on your mind, your body, and your relationships. It can leave you feeling powerless and isolated.

At Maplewood Counseling, we want you to know that feeling overwhelmed is a valid response to life’s challenges. However, you do not have to carry this burden by yourself. Understanding what you are going through is the first step toward reclaiming your peace.

Is It Stress or Something More?

Stress is a natural reaction to challenges. It’s that burst of energy that helps you meet a deadline or slam on the brakes to avoid an accident. But when stress becomes constant—when your body’s alarm system never turns off—it transforms into extreme or chronic stress.

Does this sound familiar?

  • You feel a constant sense of dread or anxiety, even when there is no immediate threat.
  • Small inconveniences, like a spilled cup of coffee or traffic, trigger disproportionate anger or tears.
  • You are physically exhausted but cannot sleep at night because your mind is racing.
  • You find yourself withdrawing from the people you love because you simply don’t have the energy to connect.

Recognizing these signs isn’t about diagnosing yourself; it is about listening to what your body and mind are desperately trying to tell you.

The Ripple Effect of Extreme Stress

Extreme stress rarely stays contained. It ripples out, affecting every aspect of your life.

Impact on Your Mental and Physical Health

Physically, chronic stress keeps your body in “fight or flight” mode. This can lead to headaches, digestive issues, high blood pressure, and a weakened immune system. Mentally, it is a breeding ground for anxiety and depression. It can fog your thinking, making it hard to concentrate or make decisions, which only adds to the feeling of being out of control.

Impact on Relationships

When you are running on empty, you have little left to give to your partner or family. You might find yourself snapping at your spouse over minor issues or feeling too drained to engage with your children. Intimacy often suffers as survival mode takes over. This can create a cycle of guilt and isolation, straining the very connections that usually support you.

Practical Ways to Cope and Heal

While you cannot eliminate all stress from your life, you can change how you respond to it. Here are some compassionate strategies to help you find your footing again.

1. Reconnect with Your Breath

It sounds simple, but mindful breathing is one of the fastest ways to tell your nervous system that you are safe. When you feel the panic rising, pause. Take five deep breaths—inhaling slowly through your nose and exhaling fully through your mouth. This small act creates a moment of space between you and the chaos.

2. Set Boundaries with Kindness

Many of us experience stress because we say “yes” when we need to say “no.” Setting boundaries is not selfish; it is essential self-care. It protects your energy so you can be present for the things and people that truly matter. It is okay to decline an invitation or ask for help with household chores.

3. Move Your Body

You don’t need to run a marathon. Gentle movement—a walk around the block, stretching, or yoga—can help release the physical tension built up in your muscles. Exercise releases endorphins, which are natural mood lifters.

4. Prioritize Connection

When we are stressed, the instinct is often to pull away. Fight that urge. Reach out to a friend, a partner, or a family member. You don’t even have to talk about your stress; sometimes, just sharing a laugh or a cup of tea can remind you that you are part of a community.

A Safe Space for Healing

Navigating extreme stress is difficult, and sometimes self-care strategies aren’t enough. That is okay. Therapy provides a structured, supportive environment where you can unpack your burdens without judgment.

At Maplewood Counseling, we provide inclusive care for people of all races, cultures, and backgrounds, including interfaith, interracial, BIPOC, LGBTQIA+, and blended families. Our therapists bring lived experiences and specialized training to create a safe, affirming space for all. Whether you are dealing with workplace burnout, relationship strain, or general anxiety, we are here to help you develop the tools to manage stress and rediscover your joy.

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Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

Q: What is the difference between normal stress and extreme stress?
A: Normal stress is situational and typically resolves once the challenge passes (like finishing a project). Extreme stress is chronic and persistent. It feels like you are constantly in survival mode, and it continues to affect you physically and emotionally even when there is no immediate pressure.

Q: Can stress really make me physically sick?
A: Yes. The mind-body connection is powerful. Chronic stress releases hormones like cortisol that, over time, can disrupt almost all your body’s processes. This increases the risk of heart disease, sleep problems, digestive issues, and chronic pain.

Q: How can I help my partner if they are under extreme stress?
A: The best thing you can do is offer a listening ear without immediately trying to “fix” it. Ask them what they need—whether it’s a hug, help with chores, or space. Encouraging them to seek professional help if their stress is unmanageable is also a loving act of support.

Q: Is therapy necessary for stress management?
A: While not always “necessary,” therapy is incredibly beneficial. A therapist can help you identify your specific triggers and teach you personalized coping mechanisms that are often hard to learn on your own. It provides a dedicated hour where you don’t have to take care of anyone but yourself.

Q: I feel guilty for being stressed when I have a good life. Is this normal?
A: This is a very common feeling. But stress doesn’t discriminate based on how “good” your life looks on paper. You can be grateful for your life and still feel overwhelmed by it. Your feelings are valid, and you deserve support regardless of your circumstances.

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Helpful Resources