Conflict in Relationship?

Conflict in Your Relationship

New Jersey Couples Counseling

Conflict in Your Relationship?

Conflict in your relationship or marriage? We all have to deal with conflict in our relationships. When two people come together from different needs and backgrounds, there is bound to be conflict. We all have different abilities to really take in and understand the other person. It can be very difficult to communicate effectively when things get hard. Couples sometimes have unrealistic expectations and an inability to understand what the other person need. This causes great disappointment. We can all get hooked by unconscious triggers based on our conditioning. The end result? Conflict that leads to great disappointment, hurt and anger.

Ruptures are bound to happen in all relationships. It’s not the ruptures that become the problem as much as how well a couple can “repair” the rupture and understand one another.

What is Your Pattern When You Have Conflict?

We get very angry at one another and hurl insults and criticism
One of us goes on the attack and the other withdraws and puts up a wall, which only makes things worse
We both used to fight and it got us nowhere so now we just both just give up and stop talking, sometimes for days or weeks

Author, psychiatrist and therapist Daniel Siegel explores relationships and attachment in detail in his books. Here refers to the 4 Ss and what is needed for healthy attachment and relationships. How very important it is for us all to feel:

SEEN
SAFE
SOOTHED
SECURE

How our early attachment figures responded to us emotionally (or didn’t respond in many cases) will most likely be the way we end up relating in our romantic relationships. It has a lot to do with the ability (or inability) to understand one another and repair problems in our relationships. If a person did not any or all of the combination of seen, safe, soothed or secure, they might most likely will struggle with similar issues in their adult relationships. Reliving the past over and over is extremely painful. It can cause rage, anger, deep sadness and feelings of rejection, and ultimately like you don’t matter.

Getting Help with Conflict in Relationship

With help, a couple can learn how to take in the external experience of the other person and help them feel seen, safe, soothed and secure. Learning to emotionally respond to your spouse or partner can help you connect in deeper and more meaningful ways.

If you’re looking for a relationship or marriage therapist in New Jersey, contact us now at 973-902-8700 or email us if that’s easier for you.

Need Help Resolving Family Conflict?

Relationship Therapy | Creating a Safe Place

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Relationship Therapy | A Safe Place for Couples

If you’re at a point in your marriage or relationship where you just cannot resolve things on your own, relationship therapy may help. Therapists will often try and create a safe place for couples to work on resolving their issues. According to Daniel Siegel, MD and therapist, the 4 S’s are needed to create more secure and healthier relationships…to feel SEEN, SAFE, SOOTHED and SECURE. Areas where one or more of these are not met will cause a couple to really struggle.

Is this you?

you can’t seem to discuss anything without fighting
you feel your spouse or partner just won’t listen to you
you escalate into name calling in an attempt to feel heard and understood
you put up a wall to protect yourself from what feels like a constant attack
you feel incredibly sad and alone
you feel desperate to feel heard and understood and can’t seem to make your spouse be there for you
you’re feeling hopeless about repairing the damage

Relationships are about rupture and repair. We all experience some type of rupture at times. No relationship is immune from dealing with problems. What is important is knowing how to repair the ruptures. To get better and making your spouse feel seen, safe, soothed and secure.

Relationship Therapy Can Help Repair Ruptures

Find ways to help your spouse or partner

feel seen by becoming better at listening and understanding the internal experience of the other rather than getting defensive. Feeling felt is very important to connection.
create safety by listening and taking in the other person’s experience and reflecting on what each of you may be feeling
soothe one another by joining rather than feeling alone and withdrawing from one another
feel secure and be open and flexible to areas and issues that may be causing insecurity (and also exploring earlier attachment issues that may be getting triggered)

Secure, happy relationships can create such joy as well as improve to your overall health and wellness. You and your spouse or partner can learn how to repair your relationship ruptures better to create a closer connection. If you need relationship therapy in Essex County, NJ, please contact us.