Are you struggling and alone after divorce?

The end of a marriage can be very painful.  You tried so hard to make it work. Now you’re feeling tremendous sadness and loss.  A failed relationship can cause both parties to feel shame, grief and make it hard to function.  Many have a lot of trouble sleeping, eating and feel very isolated and alone.

Your marriage may have ended for any number of reasons:

• you could not recover from the feelings of betrayal after an affair
• you were treated with disrespect and emotionally abused and you just could not take it anymore
• you slowly lost feelings for one another
• you just could not work out your differences and connect in positive ways

Regardless of the reasons for breaking up, living alone after divorce can bring up feeling of grief and loss like you’ve never felt before.  In some situations, dealing with angry, sad or confused children can only make matters worse.  Even if you struggle with feelings of hostility and anger toward your ex (or visa versa), it is best for everyone to get some help processing and dealing with those feelings so they don’t cause even more damage and pain. We’ve seen many couples manage to get to a peaceful place even when they did not think it could be possible.

If you’re living or feeling alone after divorce there are people out there that can help you.  You’re not alone. Whether it’s a therapist experienced with divorce counseling or some type of group that helps men and women going through divorce, you can find someone to help you get through this difficult time.

If you need help and live or work in Essex County, NJ, give us a call at 973-902-8700.  We’re here to help.

EFT Therapy NJ | Emotionally Focused Therapy has been proven effective in helping couples with marriage and relationship issues

EFT Therapy NJ

We all go through ups and downs in our relationships. When things are good, we feel happy, close, and really enjoy spending time together.

When things are bad, there’s nothing worse. Fighting and/or distancing can make you lose your connection. The result can be very painful – feeling very sad and alone.

If you’re looking for a marriage counselor or relationship therapist, learn how an EFT therapist can help you.

What is emotionally focused therapy? Here is a 3 minute video that describes EFT

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) has been proven a to be an effective, short term treatment for struggling couples and families. EFT therapists help couples identify their negative cycles or patterns and find better ways to communicate and problem solve. Therapy help couples move from feeling stuck toward feeling more safe and secure in their relationship.

EFT helps couples work toward improving and strengthening their relationships and attachment bonds.

Susan Johnson, Ed.D., helped develop Emotionally Focused Therapy and is the director of the Ottawa Couple and Family Institute and of ICEEFT (the International Center for Excellence in EFT). Her latest book is Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love.

EFT Therapy NJ

EFT Therapy NJ profile and other EFT therapists in NJ

Shame Issues and How to Get Help

Shame. Such a very complicated and painful feeling. Dr. Brené  Brown is a shame and vulnerability researcher, and she has spent the past decade studying vulnerability, shame, courage, and worthiness. She defines shame as “is the intensely painful feeling that we are unworthy of love and belonging.”

It is such an awful place to be. On the one hand, you desperately want to connect with others and get their support (something we ALL need). On the other hand, you don’t dare risk becoming vulnerable because it does not feel (or never has never felt) safe.  The end result? You end up feeling isolated and very, very alone.  According to Brené Brown, Ph.D., LMSW, shame can destroy lives.

Dr. Brené Brown: “Shame Is Lethal”

Shame and vulnerability researcher Dr. Brené Brown says shame is the intensely painful feeling that we are unworthy of love and belonging. It’s the most primitive human emotion we all feel—and the one no one wants to talk about. If left to its own devices, Dr. Brown says, shame can destroy lives. Watch as she reveals the three things shame requires to grow—and the one thing that can stop shame in its tracks.

This next video is on of the most popular TED talks

Listening to Shame

Common Shame Issues:

Is this you? You’re ashamed of:

• the way you are treated by your spouse, partner or others.
• the way you treat your spouse, partner or others.
• a failed relationship, being single, going through a divorce, making bad relationship choices.
• the way you look (weight issues, too short, too tall, not attractive or desirable enough, etc..).
• losing your job, financial struggles or making enough money to make ends meet.
• your intelligence or not feeling smart enough.

Shame makes us feel like we’re not good enough- a general sense of being unlovable and unworthy. If you need help dealing with shame, therapy can help. You may also find these books and resources by Dr. Brene Brown very helpful.

Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Brown, Brene(Sep 11, 2012)
The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are by Brown, Brene(Sep 20, 2010)
I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t): Making the Journey from “What Will People Think?” to “I Am Enough” by Brown, Brene(Feb 1, 2007)

We hope you find this information helpful. Contact us if we can help you in Essex County, NJ at 973-902-8700.

Brené Brown – Embracing Vulnerability

Daring Greatly, Brene Brown

Some of us look forward to weekends with our loved ones — no work and time for closeness, romance, and relaxation. Right? The reality for many is that weekends are much than difficult than work days. because rather than feel excited about being together and connected to one another, you feel lonely and disappointed. Spending time with someone who makes you feel miserable instead of loved, can be very painful. Are you in need of relationship help and wonder what to do?

After a bad stretch, some people may pick up the phone and reach out for professional help and others might look for self help books or online support or resources.

Here are some helpful videos by John Gottman that describehow to make relationships work.

Getting Relationship Help

Making Relationships Work Part 1

Making Relationships Work Part 2

Making Relationships Work Part 3

Four Negative Patterns that Predict Divorce

• Criticism (criticism is dangerous to a relationship)
• Contempt (mocking and acting superior is toxic for a relationship and actually erodes the immune system)
• Defensiveness (toxic because people are not taking responsibility for part of the problem)
• Stonewalling (toxic because it seems you’re disengaged and couldn’t care less about what your partner is saying or doing)

If you’ve been unsuccessful trying to improve things on your own, it may be time to call an experienced marriage or relationship therapist. It’s an important (and sometimes difficult) step to understanding and working toward changing some destructive patterns in your relationship.

We hope you find this information useful as you search for relationship help and try and build a stronger and more satisfying relationship.

Dacher Keltner, the UC Berkley psychology professor and faculty director of the Greater Good Science Center, explains why Darwin thought compassion is humans’ strongest instinct.

Do you struggle with forgiving yourself for mistakes? Do you have trouble forgiving others? We all make mistakes – in our relationships, with our parents, children and at work. It is not easy to accept you did not handle things the “right” way – and it is even more difficult to know that your actions may have hurt someone else. Struggling with forgiveness can cause a tremendous amount of suffering and learning how to forgive can be very challenging for many of us.

Having compassion for yourself and others…

Is this you?

• you’re going through a divorce or break-up, and anger and grief are not allowing you to handle things the way you’d like
• you do not treat your spouse or partner in a loving or respectful way and it hurts you both (and sometimes your kids)
• you hurt your spouse or partner and yourself by getting involved in an affair
• you made a mistake at work that put your job at risk or ended up hurting someone
• you are a perfectionist and can be very demanding and unforgiving of yourself and others
• you made a bad relationship choice that has caused you (and others) a great deal of pain
• you’re having trouble forgiving yourself for mistakes you’ve made with your children or your ex
• making mistakes has made you feel shame and guilt, which has made you isolate and pull away from friends and family
• you made mistakes with your children, or were absent in their lives through difficult experiences

Forgiving yourself for mistakes (or someone else) may mean making yourself vulnerable, opening up, having compassion, dealing with shame or guilt, and just trying to understand. It may mean admitting and apologizing for being human and imperfect. You have a lot of company in that department – and you will experience compassion and understanding more from those who realize and know what it is like to make mistakes. We all do it.

You may need help getting there, but we all benefit from forgiving ourselves and others for making mistakes.

Brene Brown, in this very popular TED talk, discusses Vulnerability, Shame, Guilt and Making Mistakes

Trying to end an affair? Can you stop infidelity from continuing to damage you and your marriage or relationship?

Trying to end an affair that has been causing you to feel depressed in addition to hurting your marriage or relationship? Trying to pick up the pieces and cope emotionally with the loss? Not sure if you can or even want to reconnect with your spouse or partner ( who may or may not know about the infidelity)?

Wondering if you and your relationship can heal? Is it possible to reconnect with your spouse or partner and get more of what you need from marriage or relationship or do you feel like you can’t stay with your spouse any longer?

Certainly day to day stressors, kids and work responsibilities can be anything but romantic. Maybe your marriage became one of focusing on your children, work and chores leaving you drained and exhausted. The routine can make couples slowly drift apart, leaving both partners vulnerable to the attention of another man or woman. Infidelity, which is usually a symptom of a problem in your relationship, may be hard to resist especially if it’s something you have not felt in a long time – or ever.

Trying to End an Affair

When the affair has caused too much pain and guilt,you may feel it’s time to let go. Easier said than done, especially if you are emotionally connected and letting go feels like a very painful loss.  Maybe you’ve already tried a few times to break-off the affair – only to feel drawn back in. Feeling desired and appreciated is hard to resist, especially if it is something that has been lacking (or missing) in your relationship.  On the other hand, coping with letting go and the feelings of grief about giving up the way the other man or woman made you feel can be very painful. To complicate things, you’re usually alone and can’t get the support you need because it may not easy to share the details of infidelity with others.

Trying to End an Affair

Is this you?

• the affair made you feel things you’ve never felt – in good ways and bad
• you’ve been dishonest with your spouse or partner and feel very guilty about it
• you’re ready to commit to giving your marriage or relationship another chance
• you’re having trouble coping with the pain of trying to let go
• you’re struggling with the pull of the affair and seeking the good feelings it used to give you ( only to feel more pain they are no longer there)
• you’re not sure if you want to stay in your marriage and if you can reconnect with your spouse or partner

The next step – Grieving, Healing and Reconnecting With your Spouse (if that’s possible)

A non-judgmental, experienced and understanding therapist can help if you’re trying to end an affair and take the next steps in your life and relationship. Call us at 973-902-8700 or email and let us know if we can help you.

Another great TED talk

Magdalena Bak-Maier talks about how one needs to make use of both your mind and your heart on the road to fulfillment. Magdalena Bak-Maier is a personal development expert, successful coach, author and budding social entrepreneur. She excels at combining logic with emotion, passion with drive, ambition with courage and helps people unlock their capacity to make a difference and make time count – her personal philosophy.

We hope you find this helpful.

Coping skills can help us all at certain times in our lives.  Whether you’re dealing with depression, stress or anxiety, these skills can help you in develop helpful ways of coping with day to day challenges.

Improve Your Coping Skills

Helpful Coping Skills

• Take care of yourself. Exercise regularly, eat a healthy diet and get plenty of sleep.
• Learn ways to relax and manage your stress. Activities such as deep breathing exercises, yoga, listening to music and meditation to name a few.
• Time to Yourself: It is important to set aside time everyday to allow yourself to relax and escape the stress of life.
• Simplify your life. Make sure your expectations are realistic and avoid too many commitments when you are feeling depressed.
• Stay Connected. Don’t Isolate. Make sure you stay connected socially and with family and friends.
• Join a support group. Talking to people going through similar experiences can be helpful.  You can find local  and online support groups for depression.
• Writing/journaling. Journaling can be very helpful – it allows you can express a wide range of  thoughts and emotions.
• Plan your day. You may find it helpful to organize and plan out your day.

We hope you find this information helpful.

Vulnerability is strength?  How’s that possible?

Most people think sharing their innermost feelings and fears with others shows weakness. Who wants to let it all hang out if it means being judged, criticized or rejected? Disapproval or anger (or worse) from those you love – or anyone for that matter – can feel awful. Based on past experiences, exposing yourself and opening up emotionally may not feel safe.

So why do it?  Because it will help you feel more connected – something we all need. “Connection is why we’re here. It’s what gives us purpose and meaning to our lives”. Brené Brown

It takes a great deal of courage to be vulnerable.

Listen to Brené Brown talk about vulnerability as she helps us all understand the power of vulnerability. Also see her Listening to Shame video which will help you understand the relationship between shame and vulnerability.

“Brené Brown studies human connection — our ability to empathize, belong, love. In a poignant, funny talk at TEDxHouston, she shares a deep insight from her research, one that sent her on a personal quest to know herself as well as to understand humanity.” Talks to share.

Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability: TED TALKS

Brené Brown: Listening to shame: TED Talk: Inspiring: Informative: Ideas

We hope you find these videos helpful.

Are you feeling isolated and alone? Is isolating causing you to feel depressed and ashamed or is it the other way around? Social or emotional isolation can have very painful consequences. It can even affect your health.

Alone Time – Is it Helping or Hurting?

Spending time alone can be a very healthy way to deal with a busy, stressful life. It’s a way of emotionally and mentally recharging. It’s great to have some quiet time to relax, deal with stress and do things you enjoy.  After all, everyone could use a break from day to day responsibilities, whether it’s work,  family or household responsibilities. There are many benefits to finding time for yourself.

However, if spending time alone is more about avoiding others and fearing interacting with others ( friends, family, at work), it can hurt you. Isolating might feel like the safer option, but it can make you feel worse.

Why do people isolate?

• you feel sad ( and/or ashamed) and learned it’s safer to withdraw rather than risk reaching out to others for help
• you feel ashamed or struggling with low self esteem or self worth
• you feel depressed and have never felt like anyone can help or cares
• you’re grieving over the loss of a family member or going through a painful divorce or break up
• you’re in a painful marriage or relationship and feel very alone and can’t let people know how awful you’re feeling
• you don’t feel like you have people who can you can trust to be there for you
• social interactions feel more painful than isolating
• you struggle making friends or dealing with others in social situations
• you’ve moved to a new area ( common  in Maplewood and South Orange ) and it’s hard to make new friends and get connected
• you have a new baby and the change feels isolating
• you’re an introvert and/or a highly sensitive person ( HSP ) that is finding it more difficult, overwhelming and draining to put yourself out there

If you’re feeling isolated and alone and have pulled away from people in your life, find out what may help connect. You have to feel safe enough to reach out and stop isolating.

Therapy and support groups can help deal with the issues that make you isolate. You can find ways to deal with your fears and anxiety to get more connected and socially engaged. For some people, it might mean learning how to reconnect with family and friends you can trust, and with others, it might mean finding a support group or other support network to help you.

Feeling Isolated and Alone

Reaching out for help when you’re ready

If you live in Essex County, NJ and need some help, please contact us. Need to find a mental health provider in your area? Try Psychologytoday.com.

We hope you find this helpful.

Help for Your Relationship | Marriage Counseling NJ

Do you feel alone and unhappy in your relationship? Are you getting caught up in negative cycles and patterns? Need help getting to a better place?

It’s very painful to feel alone in a relationship. It can actually feel worse than being alone.

Is your partner there for you? Do you matter to him or her? If you have a few minutes, watch these videos to help you understand what you need to do to improve your relationship.

Videos to help you and your spouse or partner

• What is a healthy marriage?
• How can I tell if my relationship will last?
• How can I tell if my marriage is in trouble?
• Do opposites attract? (And should they?)

What is a Healthy Marriage?

How can I tell if my marriage is in trouble?

Relationship expert Sue Johnson identifies warning signs in a marriage and what you can do to prevent issues from destroying your relationship.

How can I tell if my relationship will last?

Sue Johnson reveals how to tell if your relationship will stand the test of time.

Do opposites attract? (And should they?)

Hold Me Tight Book by Sue Johnson

We hope you find these videos helpful.

Marriage Counseling NJ | Finding a marriage counselor in New Jersey

Does this sound familiar?

• you feel alone, like you don’t matter.
• you distance and isolate when things get bad.
• you attack or feel attacked, criticized and misunderstood.
• you want your spouse to listen and understand what you need.
• you think it’s hopeless and wonder about ending your marriage.
• you rarely have sex (sexual desire problems or not often enough) or show any other type of affection or closeness.
• you feel neglected and/or feel your spouse puts the children first.
• you are coping with trust issues or the betrayal of an affair.

If you’re in need of help, contact us.

Want more information about couples therapy or relationship counseling, see the following:

• Relationship and Couples Therapy

Dr. Sue Johnson founded the INTERNATIONAL CENTRE FOR EXCELLENCE IN EMOTIONALLY FOCUSED THERAPY (ICEEFT) in 1998.

“ICEEFT serves as a centre of excellence for the promotion of secure, resilient and successful relationships between partners and within families. Our mission includes the further expansion and refinement of the Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) model through process and outcome research. Another central aspect of our mission is to educate health professionals and to increase public awareness about the efficacy of EFT and its role in strengthening relationship bonds.” Source: Emotionally Focused Therapy

LGBT aging issues include concerns about how 50+ gay baby boomers (gay boomers) and LGBT elders are or will be treated when they seek services for a variety of needs in their communities. The older LGBTQIA community will need health care providers, hospitals, and other community-based services that are sensitive to and trained to work with and offer services to an LGBT aging population.

We all will eventually face concerns about changes in our physical, social and emotional health. The LGBT community faces significant fear of discrimination, homophobia, abuse from caregivers and poor quality service. We all deserve to age with dignity when we seek housing, long-term care and assisted living facilities ALF and community-based care.

Here find many resources that address and help you with LGBT aging issues. We will be adding more resources as we find them (and please contact us if you have resources that would be of assistance to others).

Assistant Secretary for Aging Kathy Greenlee Delivers a Special Message for SAGE at OutGiving 2011 from SAGEUSA.

The Human Rights Campaign lists health care facilities that its HEALTHCARE EQUALITY INDEX . “ The Healthcare Equality Index (HEI) is a unique and invaluable resource for healthcare organizations seeking to provide equitable, inclusive care to LGBT Americans—and for LGBT Americans seeking healthcare organizations with a demonstrated commitment to their care.” You can see a list of organizations for 2012 HEI 2012 Leaders in LGBT Healthcare Equality.

Healthcare organizations are warmly invited to participate in the HEI 2013 .

Need a LGBT medical provider? The Gay and Lesbian Medical Association (GLMA) is the world’s largest and oldest association of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) health care professionals.

The National Reource on LGBT Aging website below has several different resources such as the following:

Substance Use in LGBT Older Adults: What We Know and What We Need to Learn

National LGBT Caregiver Support Group

Growing Older and Being Trans

Health & Psychsocial Needs of LGBT Older Adults 

Disparities and Resilience among LGBT Older Adults

Graying of AIDS

Advancing Effective Communication for LGBT Older Adults

LGBT Caregiver Concerns (Alzheimer’s)

Act now! OAA reauthorization

Giving Someone a Power of Attorney For Your Health Care

Coming Out Can Be Ageless

Aging Bisexuals-What’s Your BiQ?

The Age of LGBT Aging

Good training, good care -Article on the importance and need for LGBT training for aging services providers

Lifelines: Documents to Protect Your Family - This publication contains information about essential documents that will help you protect yourself and your loved ones in the event of illness, disability, or death.

Fear, Discrimination and Abuse: Transgender Elders and the Perils of Long-Term Care

SAGEUSA.org – National Resource on LGBT Aging – SAGE is Services, Advocacy for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Elders

The LGBT Aging Issues Network (LAIN) 

The LGBT Aging Project

Take health care into your own hands

There are many organizations providing research and resources to help with LGBT aging issues.  We will be adding more resources as they become available and welcome any input that will help the community.

Do you need self esteem therapy to help you improve the way you feel about yourself? The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines self esteem as “ a confidence and satisfaction in oneself .”

Self-esteem beings to form in early childhood, shaped and influenced by the following:

• Your thoughts and perceptions
• How others react to you
• School, work and community experiences
• Issues related to health ( illness, disability or injury)
• Culture, religion, as well as role and status in society

Relationships are especially important to self-esteem. How you are treated by your parents, brothers, sisters, peers, teachers and other important relationships can either help or hurt your self-esteem. (source: Mayo Clinic on Self Esteem

Find the following self esteem quizzes and some articles on how to boost self-esteem:

Quiz: How High Is Your Self Esteem?

Quiz: Ways to Boost Your Self-Esteem | The Dr. Oz Show

Self Esteem Quiz for Teenagers

Self-Esteem Quiz – Teen Guide

Self Esteem Quiz for Kids

A screening quiz to see if your child has any signs of low self esteem.

Self-esteem: 4 steps to feel better about yourself -If you have low self-esteem, harness the power of your own thoughts and beliefs to change how you feel about yourself. Start with these four steps to a healthier self-esteem. Read more…

If you haven’t been able to improve the way you feel with these self help articles and need self-esteem therapy, we encourage you to contact us for a free phone consultation at 973-902-8700.

Self-Esteem Therapy

We hope you find this self-esteem information helpful.

How to deal with trauma and traumatic stress -  Recently, Hurriance Sandy caused severe damage to the Northeast including New York, Connecticut and New Jersey. Some people lost their homes due to wind and water damage and many families have had to deal with power outages for extended periods of time. Some people (such as the elderly and the sick ) have not able to easily get food and water, and those without power have had no heat.  And still others have been displaced, staying with friends or relatives or making use of emergency shelters.  These are traumatic events.

Even as the emergency response continues and matters improve, you may feel stressed, overwhelmed or depressed.   These feelings can be expected after the trauma wreaked by Sandy.

If you’re trying to recover from the devastation of dealing with both the physical and emotional trauma caused by the storm, you might find these reources helpful.

HOW TO GET, FILE FOR AID: FEMA DISASTER ASSISTANCE APPLICATION

“Residents of the 10 counties that have been included in the disaster declaration (Atlantic, Bergen, Cape May, Essex, Hudson, Middlesex, Monmouth, Ocean, Somerset and Union) may register for assistance online at www.disasterassistance.gov or by phone at 1-800-621-3362 .

Applicants must provide social security numbers, information about insurance coverage, family gross income, address and phone number of property that is damaged and a current address and phone, if different” more …

How to Deal with Trauma – Resources to Help You:

Five Steps for Dealing with Trauma | Psych Central -Did you know that bad things that have happened to you in your life can cause or worsen psychiatric symptoms? More and more research confirms the strong. more…

Managing traumatic stress: Tips for recovering from disasters and other traumatic events – Disasters are often unexpected, sudden and overwhelming. In some cases, there are no outwardly visible signs of physical injury, but there is nonetheless a more …

Managing traumatic stress: After the hurricane – What are normal reactions to experiencing a hurricane, and how to cope with your feelings – more…

Emotional and Psychological Trauma: Causes, Symptoms, Help – Your child may also look to you for cues on how they should respond to traumatic events so let him or her see you dealing with symptoms of trauma in a positive … more…

Emotional or psychological trauma – Trauma risk factors – Symptoms of trauma – Oprah Radio host Dr. Mehmet Oz talks to Dr. James Gordon, founder of The Center for Mind-Body Medicine, about healing psychological trauma. more…

Dealing With Trauma and the Healing of Memories – Trauma is an extreme stress reaction. It can occur when one sees others being injured or killed, when one witnesses the destruction of one’s home or that of a neighbour, when one has to flee familiar surroundings out of fear for one’s life,  more …

We hope you find this information helpful.

Coping with Getting Older, Depression, Aging Care Resources

Dealing with aging and mental health issues can be rough. Hitting 50 for many of us is a time when we reflect on our lives and think about our mortality. Even if you feel healthy, you start to wonder about the inevitable and issues such as heart problems, strokes, and the big “C.”

Add to that dealing with elderly parents, a sick spouse or partner, financial struggles, divorce and dealing with adult or adolescent children.  Getting older can feel very overwhelming. Depression is a common aging and mental health issue.

Need Aging and Mental Health Resources?

So how can you deal with feeling depressed? Aging care services, psychotherapy and support groups can help with feelings of isolation, depression, grief, hopelessness, and anxiety. Try to reach out to your doctor, a mental health professional and local support groups. If you’re overwhelmed and don’t know where to start, try calling a few licensed mental health professionals in your area to see who you might feel most comfortable talking to.

You can also find some helpful resources here.

Find Elder and Aging Care Resources to Help You

• Resources for the Aging Services Network and Other Professionals
• Resources to Connect Older Persons, Caregivers and Professionals to Important Federal, National, and Local Programs
• Find Help in your Community

Aging and Mental Health | Psychotherapy Articles on AARP

• Psychotherapy Can Boost Happiness More Than Money: Study
• Psychotherapy Linked to Healthier Stress Hormone Levels
• Pills Plus Psychotherapy Can Beat Insomnia
• Psychotherapy May Ease Hot Flashes After Breast Cancer
• Psychotherapy Can Ease Post-Surgical Depression
• Web-Based Psychotherapy Can Work

We hope you find these aging and mental health resources helpful. We’ll be adding many more resources.  Feel free to let us know what information might be of interest or help to you and your family.

Are you on the therapy vs medication fence?

Some people search for a quick fix to anxious or depressed feelings and wonder if therapy can really help. There are so many studies that have shown that psychotherapy treatment works. Medcation alone may relieve some symptoms, but therapy can be very effective in treating a wide range of issues, such as reducing depression and anxiety, improving social functioning, self esteem, helping with marriage, family and relationship problems.

The Choice: Therapy vs Medication

Psychotherapy with a trained therapist can improve a person’s mental, social, and interpersonal functioning. So when faced with certain problems in your life, therapy can help. Psychotherapy can help you find better ways to cope, communicate and make positive changes. Whether you are dealing with depression, anxiety, depression, divorce, panic attacks, relationship problems, grief, or gay LGBT issues, almost anyone can benefit from seeking therapy instead of just taking medication.

We hope this info on therapy vs medication is helpful.

The following podcasts explain the link and relationship between anixety and health problems, specifically tomachaches and anxiety in children, anxiety and cardiovascular health, and irritable bowel syndrome IBS and anxiety disorders. These podcasts are available through the ADAA.org (Anxiety Disorders Association of America)

Stomachaches and Anxiety in Children
In this podcast. Dr. Danda discusses pediatric pain-related functional gastrointestinal disorders and their connection to anxiety disorders.

Anxiety and Cardiovascular Health
In this podcast, Dr. Lavie, who practices cardiology and internal medicine, discusses the link between anxiety and other psychological stress for patients with cardiovascular disease.

Irritable Bowel Syndrome and Anxiety Disorders
Dr. Hunt discusses why many people with panic, agoraphobia, or social anxiety disorder also have IBS.

We hope this information on anxiety and health problems helps you. Find more information on Anxiety here, general information on our blog posts here.

What do you expect from others? Are your expectations in a relationship realistic? Do you see yourself as demanding and unreasonable but do not understand why? Unrealistic expectations are resentments waiting to happen.

Being on the receiving end of someone with unrealistic expectations is no picnic. Actually, it can make the other person feel inadequate, miserable and unhappy. It could be a child, spouse or partner that gets your wrath. Does this sound familiar? “I can never please him,” or “I can never do anything right.” People with unrealistic expectations can be very demanding, critical, depressed, and seem impossible to please. Some people expect others to know what they want, to read their minds, to put their needs above all else – without even realizing it. It can be a parent who is critical of a child (even an adult child), who does not do exactly what the parent expects without regard to the child’s needs or feelings. It often causes very damaging results for the child if the pattern does not change.

Are your expectations are resentments waiting to happen?

How much self awareness do you have? Can you imagine how it would feel if someone were to treat you the way you treat them? Can you step back and see what it would be like to be on the receiving end of your anger and resentment? If you have any insight to see it is not working for you then therapy may help. It might be time to try something else, especially if you are unhappy, disappointed and angry. It is especially important if you don’t want your relationship to end or if you want a better healthier relationship with your child.

So if you are someone who needs help with persepctive on your expectations, psychotherapy may help you gain insight and awareness and gradually change unhealthy attitudes and behaviors.

If you have a parent who loves you deeply, but has made it difficult for you to be separate and autonomous – and you spend most of your interactions trying to please and not upset her, then therapy may help you as well. It causes low self esteem to take care of a parent’s emotions and feelings at your own expense.

Unrealistic expectations are resentments waiting to happen, and the hostility and anger they cause can erode relationships over time. If you are open to it, psychotherapy ( most people think of it as counseling) can help you make some positive changes which will be better for your relationships and your life.

Separation and divorce can be one of the most painful experiences of your life. The loss feels unbearable to so many people. Many find it hard to eat, sleep and function at work and home. Finding a support group or a mental health professional may help you cope. Processing the grief can be extremely painful, but it is important to healing and to finding life after divorce.

You may have made many mistakes in your relationship. We all have. Understanding what happened and learning what you can do to make a future relationship more satisfying and successful is possible. Blaming your ex will not help you get there faster and can only prolong the agony by hanging onto toxic feelings.

Forgiving and Finding Life After Divorce

The truth is no one wins in a failed relationship. Most couples want it to work and for various reasons it just did not. The sooner you can let go of anger and resentment and let yourself feel the pain (as hard as it is), the more open you will be to new experiences.

I’ve seen many people work through and process the end of a relationship and eventually find peace. I’ve also seen many of those people begin new lives and start the dating process again. Sometimes it’s awkward and scary to put yourself out there again – sometimes after being married for so many years, but it is very possible to find happiness again — in or out of a relationship.

If you need help  in finding life after divorce, see our blog post on local support groups in NJ.

Finding life after divorce – Divorce support groups listed here:

• Woman’s Emotions and Divorce Resources
• DivorceCare.com
• Divorce for Men Resources
• Online Divorce Support Group
• Divorce Resources, Products and Books
• Coping with a Breakup and Moving On after a Relationship Ends
• Gay Breakups
• Gay and Lesbian Divorce
• Divorce Resources for Men and Women
• Breakups and Divorce Support Group

We’d be glad to add more resources here that are helpful to people in other states, so please feel free to tell us about them in the comments section or email us.

Being a single mother can be completley overwhleming and stressful. Here is help for single mothers to help you find balance, support and resources and you try and take care of your children and yourself:

Online Support Groups for Single Mothers – The Complete Single Mother

Help For Single Moms In New Jersey

Being a Single Parent

A Single Parents Network – Support & Resources for Single Mothers

DMOZ – Single Parent Support Groups

Housing Assistance Programs and other Benefits in your Area

Scholarships & Grants -Mom of 3 able to go back to school full paid with Grant

Education Grants

Programs to Help Single Mothers In Foreclosure

How “Joe” Started A home Business with Grant

Government Grants Help you pay for your Medical Debt

Help With Overdue Bills, Credit Cards & Rent Assistance For Single Mothers

Grants To Help Single Mothers Buy Reliable Transportation

Grant Help For Single Mothers

Government Can Help With Day Care Expenses For Single Mothers

Daycare Grants for Single Moms

Food Stamps Eligibility: The Things Required

City Programs To Help Single Mothers

Info to help out single moms who are currently struggling both financially and emotionally

We hope you find this information helpful. We will add more help for single mothers resources (and take your suggestions) as we find them. Sincerely hoping it helps you.

Greater Good at Berkeley lists several of these talks and interviews with leading experts on the science of happiness, compassion, mindfulness, and more. I hope you find these videos interesting and helpful. If you wish to get involved in the greater good, join the Greater Good Science Center here.

Robert M. Sapolsky

Fred Luskin

Christine Carter

John Gottman

Rick Hanson

Jack Kornfield

Mary Gordon

Barbara Fredrickson

Philip Zimbardo

Robert Emmons

If you wish to get involved in the greater good, join the Greater Good Science Center here.

If you grew up with a narcissistic mother or father you know will know what I’m talking about. Even adult children (if they are still trying to get approval, love or avoid disapproval and anger) take care of the needs of the parent at the expense of their own needs.  The narcissistic parent is very self-centered and expects others to always put the parent’s needs first. There is no awareness of how it hurts the child’s sense of self and self-esteem. And, sadly, some parents are not capable of caring about how this affects their children. Not that they want to intentionally hurt their child, but narcissists are often very unaware of  their own behavior because their pain and needs must come first.

The result for the child of the narcissist – low self-esteem, self doubt, depression, health issues (ulcers, etc…), fears and anxiety, and an inability to stand up to others (bosses, significant others, spouses and even their own children). Not knowing how to take care of themselves and set limits with their narcissistic parent can follow the child of the narcissist into all other important relationships in their lives.

So what can the adult child of a narcissist do? Standing up to an entitled, narcissistic mom or dad may be difficult and cause “narcissistic rage” in the parent.  Does that mean avoiding setting limits to avoid making them angry? No. Does it mean continuing to take care of a narcissist to the point where your own needs and feelings are neglected?  No. It means learning how to take care of yourself over time, little by little, even if it frustrates and angers your parent. You can learn to tolerate the anger and disapproval of a narcissist. Your emotional well-being and the health of your relationships with others depends on it.

As much as you love your parent and he or she loves you, the narcissistic parent was not able to help you develop a healthy sense of yourself. A healthy parent/child relationship encourages autonomy and allows a child to develop, express feelings and take care of his or her own needs. If you did not learn how to do this as a child, it is not too late – you can learn how as an adult.

( The following is fiction and not based on actual people or events)

“I just can’t believe it,” said Emily. She was shocked that Rob wanted a separation. Her feelings alternated between grief and rage, which was not easy to hide from her two children.  She could not understand… “How could he do this to me?”

It was not a surprise to their family and friends when Rob and Emily separated. Emily criticized and devalued Rob more and more over time. He never felt like he could do anything to please her and it was impossible to make her happy.

Everyone witnessed their misery….for years. Actually witnesses (including their children) were relieved when Rob left.

Staying together is better for the kids. Isn’t it? No. It can do much more harm than good. After all, you are teaching your children how to treat or be treated in a relationship.  As much as she loved her children and wanted the best for them, Emily could not see how sad they were because of her own pain and anger. Rob’s leaving helped her step back to see how their relationship had affected their kids. It was painful to recognize how little she had appreciated Rob, and even more painful to admit that the relationship was hurting their kids. She was determined to do whatever it took to make things better for them – and herself.

After some work in therapy, she saw several connections between her parents’ realtionship and her own. She had learned well how to hurl insults, snipe and endure misery. With that awareness, she was able to make some very important changes in her life over time. She even came to understand how Rob must have felt, and after an initial period of rage and nastiness between them, they were able to speak and maintain respectful interactions, which was better for everyone.

Over time, Emily became more aware of their unhealthy and destructive dynamic and her part in it. She felt confident that understanding was going to help her change and would lead to more successful relationships (love and otherwise) in the future.

If you need help coping with the end of a relationship or marriage contact a licensed and experienced therapist in your area.

note: This end of a relationship story is fiction and not based on actual facts or events.

 

“The measure of success is how we cope with disappointment” 

 

From from the movie “The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel” .  A great movie very much worth seeing about a group of British retirees dealing with disappointment and all that comes with aging. People dealing with financial hardship, death of a spouse,  loneliness, health problems, failed  relationships and searching for (lost) love.

Dealing with Disappointment

We all have to cope with many of life’s hardships - the death of a loved one, divorce, loneliness, serious health and/or financial issues and much more. What makes it so much easier for some to cope than others? 
Read these helpful articles on how to cope with disappointment :

• How To Deal With Disappointment – One of God’s greatest gifts is unanswered prayers. (more…)
• 4 Steps to Deal with Disappointment (more…)
• How to Deal With Disappointment (More…)
• Disappointment is only natural and at times can be hard to escape. (more…)

This video and blog articles below may help in understanding and finding ways to cope with disappointing events in your life.

Dealing with Disappointment

We hope this information helps you.

It’s hard to be a parent. As much as we love our children there are so many challenges we all face to raising healthy, well-adjusted children.

Learn about the following common mistakes (information from  About.com Pediatrics) to help you become a more effective parent :

1) Not Trying To Fix Problems

Either because they think that certain problems can’t be fixed or they simply are quick to accept them, many parents endure months or years of frustration living with common problems. This might include bedtime battles, frequent night awakenings, or frequent temper tantrums and behavior problems in older children.

Although it may take some hard work, most problems that you face as a parent can be worked through and changed or fixed. You may need some help though. Your baby may not have come with instructions, but there are plenty of books, websites, and people, that can help guide you through the challenges of parenting. Your Pediatrician and other health professionals can also be helpful when facing more difficult or persistent problems.

2) Overestimating or Underestimating Problems

Before you try to fix problems, you have to first decide what is and isn’t a problem. And if it is a problem, how big of a problem are you facing.

Is it a big problem if your:

• preschooler has occasional tantrums?
• 5 or 6 year old is ‘caught’ playing doctor?
• teen begins to test his limits, spends more time away from his family, or tries to be more independent?

In general, the answer in all three situations is no. These are simple age appropriate issues that should be expected. On the other hand, you shouldn’t take lightly a problem like a teen caught smoking, stealing, or cheating.

3) Having Unrealistic Expectations

If you have unrealistic expectations of what your kids should be doing, you can actually create problems. This often happens when parents get frustrated or impatient with a 2 1/2 year old who still isn’t interested in potty training, a 6 year old who is wetting the bed, or a moody teenager. So make sure that your expectations match what your kids are developmentally able or expected to be doing.

4) Being Inconsistent

Few things can harm your children more than an inconsistent parenting style. If you are sometimes very strict, but give in other times or simply don’t seem to care what your kids are doing, they will have a very hard time knowing what is expected of them and how to act.

5) Not Having Rules or Setting Limits

You may think that you are doing your kids a favor by letting them do whatever they want, but most younger children find it especially hard to live without any limits. Having rules, setting limits, consistent routines, and offering limited choices will help your child know and expect what is coming throughout the day.

6) Fighting Back

In the book, Setting Limits With Your Strong-Willed Child, Dr. Robert MacKenzie describes fighting back as the ‘family dance,’ in which you can become ‘stuck in these destructive patterns of communication.’ We aren’t talking about physically fighting with your child, but fighting back can take other forms, like getting mad, yelling, and repeating yourself over and over.

Fighting or arguing with your kids offers them negative attention and a lot of power over you, since they are able to trigger such strong reactions. Instead of stopping problem behaviors, fighting back will lead you to ‘unintentionally rewarding the misbehavior you’re trying to stop.’

Instead of fighting back, you can do better by stopping power struggles and learning more effective discipline techniques, like time-out and using logical and natural consequences, and not taking a lot of time fighting before you use them.

7) Not Changing What Doesn’t Work

Not recognizing or changing your parenting techniques that aren’t working is almost as big a problem as not trying to fix problems in the first place. Is what you are doing working? For instance, you may think that spanking is an effective form of discipline, but if you have to use it each day to correct the same problem or behavior, then it should be obvious that it isn’t. Or if your bedtime routine involves your child repeatedly getting up and out of bed, stretches out to an hour, and leaves you frustrated and your child tired the next morning, then you likely need a new way to help your child go to bed.

Source: About.com Pediatrics

If you need help understanding how these behaviors unintentially hurt your children over time there consult with a doctor, therapist, or other mental health professional to see what you can do to void these common parenting mistakes and improve your parenting skills.

Coping with a Break Up or Divorce

( The following is fiction and not based on actual people or events)

She was feeling deeply depressed over a recent separation. Her husband had left two months earlier and she felt so alone, scared and “empty.” It was hard to hold it together for her children and to function at work.

She married after finishing college 21 years ago. It was her first long term, serious relationship and she described it as blissful.  She got pregnant right after graduation, and it made sense to them both to “tie the knot.”

At first, things were wonderful. But they struggled with what most relationships struggle with –communication problems, fights over money, sex, household chores and parenting. Her hsuband complained that she did not make the relationship a priority and that he was feeling neglected. She said they didn’t discuss their differences– they fought about them instead. Not capable of hearing, understanding or listening to one another, the relationship gradually deteriorated.

She begged her husband to go to marriage counseling with her. Over and over again, he refused. “The problem is you, not me,” he would say. She became very depressed and unhappy, and the result was that she began pulling away from her husband and becoming very cold and distant. She had so much resentment and anger that she began hating her husband. At that point she could not even remember ever feeling love for him. She felt trapped and was not sure how she could survive financially on her own with the kids if she were to leave the marriage.

She felt she had no choice but to separate when she realized how her toxic relationship was affecting their children. The children suffered witnessing their parents misery. They were not the role models she wanted for her children – there was no way she wanted them to end up in a loveless, unhamark relationship. They had to separate for the sake of everyone.  The separation would be painful, but that it would allow everyone to have a chance at a fulfilled life. Next came figuring out how to cope with a break up…

Coping with a Break Up – Expect the Unexpected

She was so confused by the deep sadness she was feeling. It made no sense to her based on how miserable she was in the relationship. During the first few weeks after they separated, she felt relief. A break from fighting and being around someone she hated felt pretty good – at least initially. So why was it becoming so painful? Did she make a mistake?

Going through a divorve or break up can be extremely painful. Grieving the end of a relationship is bound to happen for people who were emotionally invested and really tried hard to make it work. As unpleasant (and incapacitating) as it is sometimes, don’t be surprised by the pain, self doubt, grief, and confusion you feel.

For some people reaching out to a support system of family and friends is a great way of getting through a difficult time. Others may need the help of a mental health professional to help them understand, recover and not fear finding a new path.

Find several anxiety self help resources below to help reduce anxiety. Breathing and relaxation exercises, basic education about what goes on in the brain and more. Self help combined with treatment from a mental health professional (CBT -cognitive behavioral therapy) may help you relieve, reduce and manage.

Home treatment, combined with professional treatment, can help relieve anxiety.

Anxiety Disorders Association of America – Nonprofit organization dedicated to the prevention, treatment, and cure of anxiety disorders. (read more…)

Self-Help Publications – Many ADAA members have written self-help books about anxiety and related disorders. (read more…)

Anxiety Self Help: Experiencing Fear and Performing Anyway (read more…)

National Institute of Anxiety and Stress – Access to tools and information for people undergoing anxiety, anxiety disorders, and panic attack.(>(read more…)

Anxiety Files – Simple and powerful techniques for coping with anxiety and worry. (read more…)

Eight Weeks to End Your Worries  (read more…)

How Your Brain Can Turn Anxiety into Calmness

Physician, author, speaker, researcher, and consultant Martin L. Rossman, MD, discusses how to use the power of the healing mind to reduce stress and anxiety, relieve pain, change lifestyle habits, and live with more wellness.

Need more information? See Our Anxiety Blog Posts:

• Anxiety Blog Posts

We hope this anxiety self help information helps you. Questions or comments? Feel free to contact us or go to our Home page.

Need help understanding and treating anxiety disorders? See this 6 part video series that explains treatment and cognitive behavioral therapy CBT. Licensed clinical social workers ( LCSW), psychologists (PsyD, PhD), and other therapists can successfully treat disabling anxiety disorders. Here are a few videos that may help you understand anxiety and treatment.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Treating Anxiety Disorders Videos from ADAA.org (Anxiety Disorders Association of America)

Need more information? See Our Anxiety Blog Posts:

• Anxiety Blog Posts

We hope this information helps you. Questions or comments? Feel free to contact us or go to our Home page.

Are you a highly sensitive person? Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D. began researching high sensitivity in 1991 and here she explains a little about highly sensitive people.

Here is an interview with Elaine Aron about highly sensitive people

About The Highly Sensitive Person HQ

Want to know if you are a hghly sensitive person? Take the test here

See Elaine N. Aron’s website for more information about her research, books and on highly senstive people (learn more)

Elaine Aron’s Books on the topic:

• The Highly Sensitive Person: How To Thrive When The World Overwhelms You – (book here)
• The Highly Sensitive Person In Love – (book here)
• What is a Highly Sensitive Child? – (book here)

We hope you find this helpful.

What is Social Anxiety Disorder (also referred to as social phobia)? Is social anxiety a severe form of shyness? Listen to this video where Dr. Granet of “Health Matters” talks with leading expert, Dr. Murray Stein, about social anxiety disorder and how approximately 5% of the general population is affected. Find out the symptoms and latest treatments that are available. Series: “Health Matters”

Have you had social anxiety for so long (since childhood) that you feel like “it’s just me”? Social anxiety is very treatable and you can get help. Read this Preface from the book Triumph Over Shyness: Conquering Social Anxiety Disorder, Second Edition.

The meek shall inherit the Earth.
Psalm 37:11

Speak softly and carry a big stick.
Theodore Roosevelt

There’s nothing wrong with being shy. The world needs some quiet, thoughtful, introspective people. People who don’t shoot (off their mouths)
first and ask questions later (or never). People who are reluctant to intrude and careful not to offend.

So if you’re shy and proud of it, read something else. Buy this book if you want to—the proceeds go to a worthy cause (the Anxiety Disorders
Association of America, sadly, not our retirement funds)—and give it to someone who is bothered by social anxiety.

And there’s the rub. Many people aren’t happy about being shy. They find it prevents them from expressing themselves, from making friends, and
from enjoying life to its fullest. For some people, shyness is a cocoon. It’s safe and warm and quiet. But it can also be confining, dark, and lonely. If
you choose to triumph over shyness, this book will help you break free.

Source:  Triumph Over Shyness: Conquering Social Anxiety Disorder, Second Edition  (p. ix)

If you think you might suffer from social anxiety disorder, here is a Screening for Social Anxiety Disorder. Just answer the questions, print out the results, and share them with your health care professional.

The Anxiety Disorders Association of America publishes this book Triumph Over Shyness: Conquering Social Anxiety Disorder, Second Edition. Authors Murray Stein, MD, MPH, and John Walker, PhD.  provide these self help practical tips, helpful techniques, and more to help suffering with social anxiety disorder (social phobia). Order your copy today. 

Triumph Over Shyness – Conquering Social Anxiety by Murray B. Stein, MD, MPH and John R. Walker, PhD  Published by the Anxiety Disorders Association of America ADAA.org

Need more information? See Our Anxiety Blog Posts:

• Anxiety Blog Posts

We hope you find the social anxoety and shyness information helpful. Questions or comments? Feel free to contact us or go to our Home page.

Here is a video that shows several relxation exercises for anxiety, such as deep breathing, muscle relaxation, yoga and meditation, exercise, guided imagery, listening to music, and more. It is important to note that sometimes there are medical conditions and physical causes for anxiety. Talk to your family doctor first to rule out medical causes for your anxiety such as blood sugar, thyroid, etc.. Also consult your docotor about drugs interactions (legal or illegal), herbs, energy drinks etc. that may cause or increase anxiety.

There are many different types of exercises that are designed to help people reduce and manage anxiety. Learning anxiety relaxation techniques can help you find ways to reduce your stress and anxiety.

12 Easy Ways to Relieve Anxiety

10 anxiety relaxtion exercises

Need more information? See Our Anxiety Blog Posts:

• Anxiety Blog Posts

We hope this information helps you. Questions or comments? Feel free to contact us or go to our Home page.

If you think that you might have social anxiety disorder, here is a screening you can take, print and share with your health care professional to understand your symptoms and the steps to take to get help.

Here are the questions (you can get a printable version here).

Screening for Social Anxiety Disorder (Screening Source: Anxiety Disorders Association of America ADAA.org find the screening here)

Are you troubled by the following? (check all that apply)

Does a feared situation cause you to…

Having more than one illness at the same time can make it difficult to diagnose and treat the different conditions. Depression and substance abuse are among the conditions that occasionally complicate social anxiety disorder.

More days than not, do you feel…

During the last year, has the use of alcohol or drugs…

Reference: Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition. Washington, DC, American Psychiatric Association, 1994.

Here is the link to the screening you can take and get a printer friendly copy. Bring your results to your mental health professional to understand your symptoms and what steps to take to get help.

Social anxiety disorder (also known as social phobia) is very treatable. The Anxiety Disorders Association of America also publishes this self help book Triumph Over Shyness: Conquering Social Anxiety Disorder, Second Edition

Exclusively from ADAA.org, this book is full of helpful and practical tips, techniques, and more to help you reduce and manage anxious thoughts, symptoms and bevaiors associated with social anxiety disorder. Authors Murray Stein, MD, MPH, and John Walker, PhD, explain causes of social anxiety disorder, how it impacts relationships (social and romantic), and what treatments work. Get the self help book here.

Need more information? See Our Anxiety Blog Posts:

• Anxiety Blog Posts

We hope this SAD screening and social anxiety disorder information helps you. Questions or comments? Feel free to contact us or go to our Home page.

Guest Author: David Hamilton

Everyone that has social anxiety wishes they didn’t have it.  It’s a crippling, freezing fear that comes over you not only in social situations, but also in just thinking about them.  So how do you overcome social anxiety as a sufferer of this condition?

Seek out help for your social anxiety

The first step, which can be the most difficult, is to seek out help.  Don’t be resigned to believing that you’ll always have to feel this way and never learn how to be relaxed in social situations.  Many people have done it, including me.  So I urge you to start seeking help immediately.

How to Overcome Social Anxiety: Therapy

Therapy is the best option for treatment.  What therapy does is help you to see and feel your life experience and your social anxiety in new ways.  It aims to proactively help to change you and your patterns of thinking and feeling.  There are many different therapy modalities out there, with the most commonly used therapy for social anxiety being cognitive behavior therapy (CBT), currently.

Traditional CBT is a directive based therapy where you learn to challenge beliefs about yourself, other people and social situations, and reprogram your thinking to more healthy and balanced beliefs.
I believe that the most recent therapy modalities that have evolved from traditional CBT like Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (ACT) and Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT) are even more powerful.  These therapies don’t attempt to change anxious thoughts and feelings directly, but your relationship with them instead.  Then it’s as if you can choose the thoughts you want, because you aren’t forcing your brain convince itself of “positive” thinking or even “rational” thinking, though they do help.  Learning to be mindful allows acceptance of whatever you’re feeling, so you can engage in your life no matter what kind of fear or anxiety shows up.  It is very powerful stuff, and is tricky at first, but well-worth learning to do.

Alternative Option: Therapy with Medication

I usually don’t recommend this option, but after a deep conversation with a friend who is a therapist, she widened my viewpoint.  She mentioned how some people have so much anxiety that they need to experience a baseline and it can help them to get to ground, if they have tried therapy and made little progress.  So be warned ahead of time when considering medication, as the side effects could be great, and There are two classes of medication prescribed for social anxiety disorder.

Since I’ve mentioned medication, I think you should be informed about the commonly prescribed tyes of meds.  First there are benzodiapenes like Xanax and Klonopin might be prescribed to you, and these are in the first class of medication.  They do have an anxiety suppressing effect, however they are highly addictive and not recommended for long term resolution.  The second class of medication is known as SSRI or selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors.  These are designed for more long term use and attempt to change the brain chemistry.  Common SSRIs are Zoloft, Paxil and Lexapro.  It seems these are a better option than benzodiapenes as far as medication is concerned, though I am still very wary of medication, and have heard many stories of it not helping people in the long-run.

What’s next?

I am a pretty firm believer that the therapeutic approach is the one most people should opt for overcoming their social anxiety.  Medication should only be used in the most dire of circumstances, and then one should ween themselves off of it. Of course, I am not a medical professional, so that’s just my opinion as someone who used a therapeutic approach to overcome social anxiety.  The decision is yours ultimately, and best of luck with overcoming social anxiety.  I sincerely hope you will be able to resolve your suffering once and for all.

Author’s Bio:

David Hamilton is owner, author and coach at SocialExpression.NET.  A former sufferer of social anxiety himself, David has become a social anxiety coach, offering social anxiety support in the form of one-on-one coaching and the online course Dissolve Social Anxiety. It is his mission to help people who suffer from social phobia to dissolve it once and for all and discover their lives again.

Thanks for viewing our David Hamilton’s guest blog post on How to Overcome Social Anxiety.

Need more information? See Our Anxiety Blog Posts:

• Anxiety Blog Posts

We hope this information helps you. Questions or comments? Feel free to contact us or go to our Home page.

I just read this article in Psychology Today magazine and thought these stress management tips would be helpful.

8 Steps to Stress-Proof Your Day!

• Reinterpret A Negative Experience: Say you leave your headphones in the car when you go to the gym. Interpret the return trip to the car not as an irritant but as a chance to warm up before you even climb on the treadmill.
• Give To Someone Else: Do something nice for others can make you happier and calmer, studies show.
• Jot Down Attainable Goals: for the week and aim to achieve one every day. This is a great way to track what’s going right.
• Build Social Support: Brain scans show that the same circuitry fires up when we feel emotional pain as when we feel physical pain. But that circuitry is slower to react in those with greater social support in their daily lives.
• Notice at Least One Good Thing: you experience each day. Then make it “real” by telling someone about it or writing it down. The event can be as small as getting out of bed on time.
• Meditate: Meditation can actually alter our brains, increasing gray matter in regions associated with emotion regulation and dampening activity in the fear-responsive amygdale.
• Get Enough Sleep: Sleep deprivation is one of the greatest angst inducers-it causes stress hormones to oar and sparks other imbalances.
• Exercise Regularly: Exercise works as a mild or “good” stressor: One hundred and fifty minutes of moderate intensity exercise a week is linked with both reduced stress levels and increased growth of new brain cells. (p. 80)

Source: Psychology Today (April, 2012) How do people emotionally manage crisis in their life, major life changes or situations that arise in everyday life? (p. 80)

We hope you find this helpful.

Need more information? See Our Anxiety Blog Posts:

• Anxiety

We hope this information helps you. Questions or comments? Feel free to contact us or go to our Home page.

Stress Management Tips

A panic attack is a rush of intense and overwhelming fear that seems to occur for no obvious reason. Panic attacks can trigger severe physical reactions such as shortness of breath, chills, heart palpitations (rapid heartbeat), dizziness, feeling faint, sweating, shaking and/or chest pain. Some people feel a sense of impending doom or death.

What types of things may increase your risk of panic attacks?

• family history of panic disorder
• A tremendous amount of stress
• A traumatic event such as an accident or death of a loved one

People who are prone to anxiety or panic attacks share some common traits:

• Busy lifestyles—Trying to juggle many different tasks can be extremely stressful and lead to anxiety or fear of missing or forgetting something. You can often lower the risk of a panic attack by being able to say “no” to yet another demand on your time. Take the extra time you have to do something you enjoy, that allows you to relax. You may even want to consider meditation or other relaxation strategies, such as deep breathing exercises.
• Self-judgment—Most people who experience panic view themselves more critically than they do others. They also feel a need to meet the expectations of others and have an inordinate fear that they will fail. The world will be hard enough on you. Go easy on yourself.
• Use of stimulants, such as nicotine or caffeine. Stimulants can be found in many foods and beverages, including chocolate and soft drinks. Reducing your intake of stimulants can have an impact on your inclination to experience anxiety.

An anxiety attack can last anywhere between a few seconds to 30 minutes (or more). Recurring panic or anxiety attacks are commonly triggered by a specific event or situation, especially if that event previously caused a panic attack.

Panic Attack Treatment and Prevention | What to Do When You Feel a Panic Attack Coming On

There are steps that you can take to reduce the risk of a panic attack, as well as a variety of ways to treat and minimize a panc attack, once one starts.

Relaxation Exercises and Stress management

Once you have experienced a panic attack, you can usually tell when one is going to occur.  As soon as you feel you may have a panic attack, immediately try some conscious relaxation techniques, such as deep breathing. Find a quiet place with little or no visual or other distractions and breathe as deeply and slowly as you can. If you have practiced meditation, or have done guided imagery as a means of relaxing, use these tools to reduce your level of anxiety.

If you suffer from regular panic attacks and have been unable to stop or manage them on your own, it may help to call a mental health professional. Trained and licnesed therapists and psychiatrists can offer a number of treatments, from counseling to prescription medications.  Therapeutic treatment of panic disorders can involve psychotherapy, where your therapist works with you to try to manage and reduce your panic attacks. Cognitive-behavioral therapy CBT, can be a very effective and usually quick way (short term therapy) to treat panic disorder.

Psychiatrists sometimes prescribe medications, such as Xanax, Klonopin and Ativan, are designed to provide immediate relief from anxiety, but are not intended for long-term use. Others, including Prozac, Paxil and Zoloft, are antidepressants that don’t offer immediate relief, but can curtail the frequency and severity of anxiety or panic attacks.

Maplewood Counseling in Essex County NJ, offers a wide range of services for people experiencing anxiety or panic attacks. We are committed to providing a safe place where you can get the help you need. Call our office at 973-902-8700 or contact us to schedule a confidential appointment.

Panic Attack Treatment and Prevention

Here is a list of social anxiety support groups, forums and other information to help if you are trying to cope with social anxiety disorder (also referred to as social phobia). Generally, support groups are place where people can help one another by exchanging information as well as providing emotional and practical support. Support groups and forms can be a very valuable resource for men, women and adolescents dealing with social anxiety by allowing individuals to share their experiences and feelings, feel understood by others dealing with social phobia, and sometimes practical support they need to make some positive changes. If you are looking for a social anxiety support group, it is important to find a group that feels like a good fit (even though the social anxiety will most likely make it difficult ad first even if the group would have the potential to be helpful for you).

Some people meet in local groups and others find help from an online support group or forum. Talking to others dealing with social anxiety (virutally or in-person) who may better be able to understand what it’s like to live with social anxiety can be comforting. You don’t have to feel alone and isolated.

Types of Support Groups

Some support groups are peer-support groups, which were not run by a professional facilitator and usually started by individuals looking for support. Other groups may be run by professional facilitators or by a specific group, such as a breast cancer support group through the American Cancer Society.

Social anxiety support and forums may be helpful for many people suffering with social anxiety. However, for if you are experiencing severe social anxiety, seeking treatment from a mental health professional and possibly medication may be more effective in reducing and managing your symptoms.

Social Anxiety Support

Social Anxiety Support 

Social Anxiety Support Forum (Free support groups you can sign up for)

Coping With Social Anxiety

Social Anxiety Support Forum (Anxiety Disorders Association of America ADAA.rg)

Directory of Social Anxiety Support Groups Organized by Location

New Jersey Anxiety Support

New Jersey Social Anxiety Support

New York Social Anxiety Support - NY and NYC

Telephone Conference Call Social Anxiety Support Groups

Face to face support groups (local and in person)

Other helpful anxiety support groups

• Anxiety Support Forums (Anxiety Disorders Association of America ADAA.org)
• Anxiety Support GroupsAnxiety Disorders Association of America AADA.org Support Groups
• Anxiety, Panic & Phobias Support Group
• OCD & Trichotillomania Support Group
• PTSD Support Group

Need more information? See Our Anxiety Blog Posts:

• Anxiety

We hope this information helps you. Questions or comments? Feel free to contact us or go to our Home page.

 
Psychotherapy is a specialized type of therapy which can be effective in helping you cope with a wide range of issues. Often referred to as “talk therapy,” psychotherapy is a way to treat people dealing with various mental disorders (depression, anxiety, etc…) and one of the main objectives of this type of therapy is to help you gain a better understanding of the issues that are causing emotional pain, dysfunction and problems in your life. The psychotherapist teaches people different ways to cope and deal with unhealthy attitudes, thoughts and behaviors. This type of treatment can be very effective in helping you reduce and manage your symptoms and help you function better in every aspect of their lives.

Because the relationship you will develop with your therapist is so important to the process, it is essential to find a therapist with whom you feel safe. Effective psychotherapy will allow you to open up and make yourself deeply vulnerable to the therapist. To do this you must feel safe.

A good psychotherapist has the skills to build that sense of trust and help you feel connected to and safe. The process of psychotherapy is more than the psychotherapist giving you advice and simple problem solving and can bring about important and lasting change in your life.

What is Psychotherapy Video

Need more information? See Our Blog Posts:

We hope this helps.

Comments or questions? Let us know how we can help. Contact Us.

“Grief is a strong, sometimes overwhelming emotion for people, regardless of whether their sadness stems from the loss of a loved one or from a terminal diagnosis they or someone they love have received” (more…)

“Grieving is the process of emotional and life adjustment you go through after a loss. Grieving after a loved one’s death is also known as bereavement.” (more…)

Grief is deep sorrow that can be caused by any of the following situations:

• The death of your child, wife, husband, partner, spouse, mother, father or friend
• Traumatic grief due to a death caused by a sudden or traumatic accident or disaster
• A break up, diovrce or end of a relationship
• Job loss of extreme finanical problems leading to loss of home, etc…
• Dealing with serious and/or terminal illness

Grief Videos to Help You

We hope these grief videos help you

Children’s Grieving

Caring for Your Health While Grieving

Bereaved parents often talk about feeling “stuck” in grief.

SIRA: Grief and Bereavement

Have information or a video that you’d like to share with us? Contact Us.

Need more information? See Our Blog Posts:

We hope this helps.

A Guide for Latinos and their Families (en Español)

Latino Mental Health
“The American Psychiatric Association offers a free “Mental Health: A Guide for Latinos and their Families” DVD and guidebook in English and Spanish. The materials are aimed at helping to inform the general Latino public about mental health, to dispel common misperceptions, and to reduce the stigma of mental illness among Latinos. Single copies of the DVD and guidebook can be ordered by emailing apa@psych.org or by calling APA Toll-Free: 1-888-35-PSYCH (888-357-7924).”

Salud Mental Latino
La Asociación Americana de Psiquiatría ofrece un servicio gratuito “Salud Mental: Una Guía para los latinos y sus familias”, DVD y una guía en Inglés y Español. Los materiales están dirigidos a ayudar a informar a la población latina en general sobre la salud mental, para disipar las percepciones erróneas comunes, y para reducir el estigma de enfermedad mental entre los latinos. Copias individuales del DVD y una guía puede solicitarse por correo electrónico o llamando al apa@psych.org APA Línea gratuita: 1-888-35-PSYCH (888-357-7924​​).

Mental Health: A Guide for Latinos and their Families (en Español) from American Psychiatric Association on Vimeo.

Adobe Flash Player is required to view this video. If you experience trouble, please confirm you have the most current version of Adobe Flash Player. The latest version of Adobe Flash Player is available as a free download.

Adobe Flash Player es necesario para ver este vídeo. Si tiene algún problema, por favor confirme que tiene la versión más reciente de Adobe Flash Player. La última versión de Adobe Flash Player está disponible como una descarga gratuita.

Esperamos que esta información sea útil latina de salud mental (En Inglés – We hope you find this Latino mental health information helpful.)

Need more information? See Our Blog Posts:

We hope this helps.

Here are some helpful articles and videos on cognitive behavioral therapy CBT which is commonly used to treat all types of anxiety disorders (panic disorder, social anxiety, OCD, generalized anxiety) as well as depression, stress and other mental health issues.

What is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)?

“Positive Thinking With Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy” (read more…)

“Cognitive behavioral therapy is a useful tool to address emotional challenges” (read more…)

“Podcast explaining CBT” (read more…)

“Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Depression” (read more…)

“There are several approaches to cognitive-behavioral therapy. ” (read more…)

What is Cognitive Therapy?

We hope you find this information on cognitive behavioral therapy helpful.

Go to our Contact us in NJ for cognitive behavioral therapy or see our other services and blog posts below.

Need more information? See Our Blog Posts:

Our Psychotherapy Services

We hope this helps.

The Wall Street Journal is calling it the “marriage killer”: nagging. WSJ relationship columnist Elizabeth Bernstein and comedian Tom Papa debate the war of the sexes and the role of nagging with the “CBS This Morning” co-hosts.

Meet the Marriage Killer

“It’s More Common Than Adultery and Potentially As Toxic, So Why Is It So Hard to Stop Nagging?” Listen to this video below…

Need more information? See Our Blog Posts:

Does Nagging Lead to Divorce? Nagging may lead to divorce if you do not find better ways to communicate with your spouse.

According to this video by Anxiety Disorders Association of America (ADAA), the following effective PTSD treatment includes: exposure therapy (including virtual reality treatment, and CBT cognitive-behavioral therapy) as well as medications.  Watch the video now.

We hope you find this PTSD Treatment information helpful.

Need more information? See Our Blog Posts:

What is OCD?

Everyone, from time to time, will believe they have forgotten something or failed to accomplish something. They will double check that effort and go about their business without major concern. OCD is a disorder that prohibits that resolution, but instead locks the patient into a cycle of repetitive behavior that is stressful and sometimes debilitating.

Men, women and children who suffer from OCD will experience tremendous anxiety as the result of obsessive thoughts and compulsions. This can result in nearly ritualistic repetition of actions that may interfere with their life in remarkable ways.

What are the Symptoms of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder?

Obsessive thoughts – Common obsessive thoughts may include:

• Fear of contamination by dirt or germs or overconcern about bodily functions, smells, or secretions
• Fear that something terrible will happen or of of causing harm to yourself or others
• Over concern with neatness, exactness or keeping things in order
• Fear of doing something embarrassing or thinking bad thoughts
• Constantly thinking of or a preoccupation with checking or counting
• Constantly needing to apologize or looking for approval
• Intrusive thoughts and images that can be sexually explicit or violent in nature.

Compulsive behaviors – Common compulsive behaviors may include:

• Frequently showering, washing hands, or brushing teeth
• Repetitious behaviors to reduce anxiety, such as counting, repeating phrases or words, tapping.
• Excessive checking of things, such as turning off a stove, locking a door, turning off appliances, and light switches
• Repeatedly contacting and checking in on family members ones to make sure they are OK and safe
• Spending an excessive amount if time washing, cleaning and orderly and constantly arranging and ordering things
• Difficulty throwing things away or getting rid of unnecessary items (i.e. newspapers, plastic containers, or other household “junk”)

What Causes OCD?

OCD, or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is not new to medicine, but it is receiving new attention. There was, in the past, a belief that OCD was resultant of experiences in earlier life. That belief has been undermined by evidence which is growing rapidly to tell us that certain biological elements are more likely to be the main contributing factors to the OCD process.

Underscoring this new information is the fact that many OCD clients will have a positive response to medications which function by affecting the neurotransmitters. This suggests that OCD has a more neuro-biological root cause.

The search for causative factors of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is now focusing more on an interaction between environmental factors, cognitive agents, and neurological input, rather than past life experiences as a cause for OCD.

How is OCD Diagnosed?

Typically the diagnosis of OCD is made by reviewing behaviors which are repetitive or ritualistic in nature. The diagnosis is not always an easy one to make.

OCD can frequently be a bundled disorder that is combined with other issues such as drug or alcohol abuse, depression, or even accompanied by eating disorders. Seeing past these co-existing problems in order to correctly diagnose and treat the OCD is often a difficult and multi-step process.

Can Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Be Treated?

As in many other disorders, the most important aspect of getting help for your OCD is the realization that Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is a mental health disorder and that it can be treated. The treatment process often may require mental health therapy, the use of medication, or can involve both medication and therapy in order to help you to reduce and manage symptoms. OCD behavior can be managed quite effectively using combination therapy so that your OCD does not affect your life (and the life of your loved ones, co-workers, etc…) so dramatically.

How Can You Get Help?

OCD is so often misunderstood that people who have it surround themselves with secrecy and do not seek treatment. They believe that no treatment can help them and some believe they are “crazy” and hide the condition. The biggest single factor that affects OCD is that those who think they may be affected hide it from others in their life and do not discuss it.

In fact, OCD disorder, once diagnosed and treated, can result in a real benefit to you and your life. More than 80 percent of those with OCD who actively seek out and adhere to their treatment plan will benefit from it.

If you have seen programs or read literature about OCD, you may realize or feel that you have a problem. If your obsessive compulsive disorder is affecting your life, you do have treatment options. Asking for help in managing your obsessive compulsive disorder is the first big step toward taking back your life.

Need more information? See Our Blog Posts:

This video explain how therapy may help you if you are struggling with an anxiety disorder:

Types of Anxiety Disorders:

• Generalized Anxiety Disorder
• Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)
• Panic Disorder
• Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
• Social Phobia (or Social Anxiety Disorder)

Need more information? See Our Blog Posts:

We hope this information helps you.

Anger is not the problem, it’s how you express it.

Explosive anger and rage may damage your  personal and professional relationships. If your anger is out of control and threatening your marriage, relationship or employment, it is time to get help. Anger management counseling and/or classes may help you deal with your anger in more productive ways. Instead of blaming others for your anger it’s important to take responsiblity and learn to communicate, cope and deal with your anger in more productive ways.

Need anger management NJ for any of the following?

• Issues related to divorce and conflict in your relationship
• Parenting problems – you feel angry and have little or no patience with your child
• Workplace Anger – you have been fired or your job is threatened by your problems with anger
• Anger and Addiction – Understanding the connection between substance abuse (alcoholism, drug abuse) and anger

Some helpful articles on anger management:

• Anger, Hostility, and Violent Behavior – Prevention : Learn to prevent anger, hostility, and avoid violence (more…)
• Mental Health and Anger Management – Anger is a very powerful emotion that can stem from feelings of frustration, hurt, annoyance or disappointment (more…)

We hope you find this information helpful

Go to our HOME page

According to this video, the number one reason men cheat? Emotional Disconnection. According to the video  how to prevent infidelity is to appreciate your spouse.

Here are several articles you  might find interesting on Why Men Cheat

•  ”The majority said it was an emotional disconnection, specifically a sense of feeling underappreciated. A lack of thoughtful gestures,” Gary says. “Men are very emotional beings. They just don’t look like that. Or they don’t seem like that. Or they don’t tell you that.” (more…)
• 9 Reasons Why Men Cheat – Is He Being Unfaithful to You? (more…)
• Yes, straying is despicable, but have you ever wondered about the reasons guys do it? (more…)
• Our Cheatin’ Hearts -Men and monogamy: Understanding the urge to have an extramarital affair (more…)
• Esquire Magazine – Why Men Cheat . One man’s unfiltered, unadulterated explanation. Well, maybe a little adulterated. By Anonymous
• Jose and Angela have been married for two years. Two days after she gave birth their baby, Jose had an affair. (more…)

Comments? Thoughts?

Find these helpful links to New Jersey gay LGBT (LGBTQIA) support groups. There are various organizations that offer different types of resources and support for youth and adults that identify as gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, queer or questioning,  intersex, ally or asexual. Let us know of any other support groups and we would be glad to add them here.  Just Contact Us.

Here is a list of Gay Support Groups NJ that we have found online:

PrideCenter.com lists the following links

• American Veterans for Equal Rights
• Bisexual Social Support Group
• Gay Dads’ Support Group
• Gay Educators Group
• Gay Men’s Living Out Group
• Men’s Coming Out Group
• Straight Spouse Support Group
• Support Group for Parents of Gay, Lsebian, Bisexual GLBTIQ Youth and Young Adults
• The After School HangOUT – Support and Social Group for LGBTIQ youth 17 and younger
• TrueSelves – A facilitated support group for and about transgender-identified individuals
• U.P.P. ( United People Positive)
• Women Coming Out Support Group
• Young Men’s Social Network
• Youth Drop In

GLBT LGBT Organizations and Resources in NJ

NJGayLife.com lists the following Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender Organizations in New Jersey.

• LGBT Organizations

New Jersey Gay & Lesbian Coalition NJGLC.org lists the following support groups.

• Social Support Groups

Let us know of any other support groups and we would be glad to add them…  Just Contact Us.

We hope you find this information helpful.

Gay Support Groups NJ

Beginning with one inspiring video, Dan Savage used the Internet to create the It Gets Better project.

The It Gets Better project is” a place where young people who are lesbian, gay, bi, or trans can see how their lives might be like as openly gay adults. There are many openly gay and lesbian adults and youth who send their personal messages via video to show them what their lives are like and what the future may hold in store for them.

LGBT Youth Support Groups for Gay Teens

PrideCenter.com lists the following links

• The After School HangOUT - Support and Social Group for LGBTIQ youth 17 and younger
• Young Men’s Social Network
• Youth Drop In
• Support Group for Parents of Gay, Lsebian, Bisexual GLBTIQ Youth and Young Adults

GLBT LGBT Organizations and Resources in NJ

New Jersey Gay & Lesbian Coalition NJGLC.org lists the following support groups.

• Social Support Groups

NJGayLife.com lists the following Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender Organizations in New Jersey.

• LGBT Organizations

We hope you find this information helpful.

If there is any other helpful and supportive information we can provide please email us.

LGBT Youth Support for Gay Teens